Nilingon ni Laureen si Hannah na naupo sa sofa. Hawak nito ang baso at sigurado siyang avocado shake iyon. Iniabot sa kaniya na kaagad niyang tinanggap at hindi sinasadyang mapahagulhol na naman.

"How can I stop crying?" Laureen asked Hannah. "Isang linggo . . . na akong . . . iyak nang iyak. G-Ganito ba talaga? Ganito ba talaga kahirap huminto sa pag-iyak?"

Hannah chuckled and rested her back. "Bakit, kailan ka ba huling umiyak? Sa ilang taon nating magkaibigan, wala akong maalala na umiyak kang ganiyan. Wala akong maalala na humagulhol ka."

Sa sahig ng sala nakaupo si Laureen, sa carpeted floor habang nakasandal sa sofa, naka-cover ng duvet ang ibabang parte ng katawan niya habang nanonood ng movie. Hindi na niya alam ang title dahil tuloy-tuloy lang na naka-play.

"Bakit hindi mo tawagan? Gusto mo namang makausap, 'di ba?" ani Hannah. "Para at—"

"He's tired na." Humikbi si Laureen. "I don't wanna be a burden anymore. He tried to reach me the past few days, but I'm not answering na."

Nakatingin lang si Hannah kay Laureen na nagsimula muling humagulhol. Nakatakip ang likod ng dalawang kamay nito. Panay ang hikbi, ang paggalaw ng dalawang balikat, at saka susubukang huminga nang malalim.

Halos lahat sa hacienda, nag-aalala at nagtataka kung ano ang nangyari dahil isang linggo nang hindi lumalabas ng bahay si Laureen. Dalawang linggo na simula nang dumating. Isang linggong walang tigil sa trabaho ngunit isang linggo na ring hindi nakapagtatrabaho.

Walang pumipigil kay Laureen na umiyak lalo na si Hannah na matagal na nitong kaibigan. Walang nagtatangkang sabihing tahan na dahil ito ang kailangan ni Laureen.

It took her a week to realize what had happened, feel the heartbreak, and mourn the relationship.

Maraming tumatawag dahil napuno ang schedule ni Laureen nang isang linggo, pero hindi makasipot sa kahit na anong meeting kaya si Hannah ang nagpupunta. Gusto muna nilang hayaan si Laureen na damhin kung ano ang nangyari.

Another day passed, and the same scenario. Laureen was in the living room, watching random movies, covered in a duvet, and would sometimes cry. She wanted to stop crying but didn't know how to.

Sapilitan pa ang pagbangon niya sa sofa para lang maligo at habang nasa ilalim ng shower, nakalapat ang palad niya sa malamig na tiles habang humahagulhol. Habang nakatingin sa salamin at nagto-toothbrush, habang nagsusuklay, habang nagbibihis, hindi niya magawang pigilan ang bawat luhang dumadaloy sa magkabilang pisngi niya.

It was past five in the afternoon when the main door opened. Laureen didn't move, still lying on the sofa, but saw who entered the house.

Travis.

"Hey." Bumangon si Laureen at sinuklay ang magulong buhok gamit ang sariling mga daliri.

"You look awful," pang-aasar ni Travis. "Kagagaling ko lang sa meeting with Rep. Lim."

Nagsalubong ang kilay ni Laureen nang maalala ang meeting nila ni Travis para sa foundation na uumpisahan nila sa susunod kasama ang isang representative ng Baesa.

"Fuck," mahinang mura ni Laureen. "I forgot about it. I'm sorry. How was it? I'm really, really, really sorry."

"It's okay." Travis smiled at her. "Something happened?"

Because of the question, Laureen couldn't stop herself from sobbing. Her heart tightened, and it was in pain. Her stomach was churning again, and her tears were uncontrollably falling.

Travis waited for Laureen to say something. Nakatayo siya sa likod ng isang pang-isahang sofa habang nakatingin kay Laureen na muling ipinatong nito ang braso sa mga mata habang mahinang humahagulhol. Dumaan si Manang Tess na umiling at si Hannah na tipid na ngumiti bago sila nilagpasan.

He thought that the scenario wasn't new to Laureen's most trusted. Walang sinabi si Hannah sa kaniya noong magkausap sila phone dahil hinahanap niya si Laureen. Ang sabi lang nito, masama ang pakiramdam, may dinaramdam.

While staring at Laureen, Travis noticed her bare wrist. He knew about the bracelet, too. Laureen openly talked to him about it.

"You two broke up?" he asked.

Laureen didn't say a word but nodded harshly without taking the arm off her eyes. He also noticed the hair. It was loose, curly, and untouched.

"I haven't seen that hair for a long time." Travis chuckled. "Do you wanna walk around? Ang suffocating dito. Hindi ka ba nahihirapan? Ayaw ko rito."

Tumingin si Laureen sa kaniya at basta na lang itong bumangon. Inaya siya nitong magpunta sa likod ng bahay kung saan mayroong malaking puno at hammock. Nag-request si Travis kay Manang Tess kung puwede bang magpaluto ng kahit anong pagkain. Nagpasalamat naman si Manang Tess sa kaniya lalo na at hindi pa raw kumakain si Laureen.

"Bakit n'ong mag-break tayo, hindi ka naman ganiyang umiyak?" tanong ni Travis sa seryosong boses.

Lumingon si Laureen. Nagtama ang mga mata nila at dahil nasisinagan ng palubog na araw si Laureen, mas nakita niya ang pamamaga ng mga mata nito. Wala rin itong makeup kaya lumabas ang freckles sa may pisngi at ilong.

"Travis naman. If you're just going to tease me, save it muna," sagot ni Laureen.

"I'm not teasing you. I'm genuinely asking." Natawa si Travis nang masamang tumingin si Laureen. "Okay, yes. I'm kidding. But seriously. Hindi mo 'ko inayakan nang ganiyan, ha. Bakit parang bigla akong nagtampo."

Imbes na mainis, natawa si Laureen. Tumawa silang dalawa hanggang sa makarating sa ilalim ng puno na mayroon ding bench. Naupo silang dalawa, may malaking pagitan sa gitna habang nakatingin sa kung saan.

"If you love him, then call him. Walang masama kung ikaw ang magri-reach out," sabi ni Travis.

Nilingon niya si Laureen nang bigla itong yumuko. Nakahawak ang dalawang kamay sa inuupuan nila, at saka mahinang humagulhol. Bagsak na bagsak ang buhok na medyo kulot, pero nakaipit sa likod ng tainga kaya mas nakita niya kung paano ito humagulhol.

"But . . . pagod na siya," bulong ni Laureen. "He's tired. Pagod na siya sa 'kin."

Mahinang natawa si Travis dahilan para magtama ang tingin nila. "I felt that, J. Being in a relationship with you, it's both blessing and a curse."

"W-What?" Suminghot si Laureen at nilingon si Travis.

"Blessing kasi you're literally every man's dream girl. Hardworking, successful, smart, and really, really, really pretty." Travis smiled and gazed at Laureen. "Ang sarap mong ipagmalaki sa lahat. You were every in-law's dream. Si Mommy ang nagsabi niyan, ha?"

Pareho silang natawa. Pinunasan ni Laureen ang luha sa pisngi niya gamit ang likod ng kamay.

"My friends were all jealous of me when we're together at sayang na sayang sila noong maghiwalay tayo," pagpapatuloy ni Travis. "Ang sarap mong mahalin, Laureen . . . pero naiintindihan ko si Aston sa parteng nakakapagod."

Nagsalubong ang kilay ni Laureen at naramdaman niya ang pagtulo ng isang butil ng luha habang nakatingin kay Travis.

"You were so bad at communicating. You're very reserved, very secretive . . . and as much as I don't wanna say this, mahirap kang mahalin." Umiling si Travis. "But you were worth all the trouble. Don't get me wrong."

Walang naging sagot si Laureen sa sinabi ni Travis.

"During our five-year relationship, I had nothing against you aside from being bad at communicating. Wala tayong major issue, hindi tayo nag-aaway, more like ayaw kitang kaaway kasi alam ko noon na kaya mo 'kong bitiwan kaagad." Natawa si Travis. "And I didn't wanna lose you that time."

"You were okay with losing me while I was willing to lose just to keep you," Travis said in a low voice. "Mahal mo siya, J. You never cried like that for me. Five years tayo noon, ha? Why don't you call him? One call might change a lot."

Laureen shook her head and accepted everything. "I don't wanna burden him, Trav. I don't wanna make the same mistake sa naging relationship natin. I kept you with me for five years but couldn't give you the family you wanted just because I wasn't ready."

"One question, J. Why is it so easy for you to give up on people? Mahal mo naman, pero bakit . . . bakit parang ang dali sa 'yo?"

"Because I don't want you to experience what my dad experienced. I'm like my mom, and I saw the effects, and I don't wanna make the same mistakes." Laureen sobbed like a little girl who cupped her face with both hands. "I don't wanna be like my mom, Travis. I don't wanna hurt people anymore. Pero how?"

"I know I'm like my mom . . . I don't wanna be like my mom anymore. Ayaw ko nang makasakit. Ayaw ko na kayong saktan," paulit-ulit na sambit ni Laureen. "I don't wanna be like my mom anymore!"

Nakita ni Travis kung paanong humagulhol si Laureen. Lumuhod siya sa harapan nito, tinanggal ang dalawang kamay na nakatakip sa mukha.

"But you're like her," Travis said truthfully. "Ayaw mong nakakaabala ng iba, ayaw mong makakasakit, ayaw mong maging dahilan ng sakit, ayaw mong ganito, ganiyan, but based on experience . . . five years with you, J . . ."

Travis paused, but he needed to say it.

"Mas nakakaabala ka sa parteng hindi ka nakikipag-usap. Alam mo ba 'yong pakiramdam na hindi ka makausap o hindi mo kami kinakausap? It led to overthinking, hindi kami makapag-function. Ayaw mong makasakit? Being set aside is painful. Ayaw mong maging dahilan ng sakit? Ang sakit mong mahalin." Travis caressed Laureen's cheek. "And if you really don't wanna be like your mom? You need to see the things you failed to see because you're blinded by your own fears."

Laureen sobbed, and tears fell uncontrollably.

"J, you need to heal from things that hurt you to be able to love fully," Travis said in a low voice. "Alam kong mahal mo si Aston, but you must address your personal issues first for future relationships to work out. You have to love yourself this time first. Let go of the pain kasi pain lang din ang maipapasa mo sa iba."

"Love yourself first, J. And we both know that you can't give the love you don't have," Travis said. "Dadalhin muna kita sa Baler. Uuwi ako sandal—"

"Ayaw ko—"

"Non-negotiable, Laureen Juliana." Travis stood up. "Kukunin ko lang ang sasakyan ko. Ihahatid muna kita sa parents mo." 

As much as Laureen wanted to protest, everyone cornered her. Travis, Manang Tess, and Hannah convinced her to go to her parents' house for now. Ayaw niya sanang makaabala, pero tama si Manang Tess sa parteng kailangan niya ang mga magulang niya ngayon.

Gabriel offered to take her instead, but Travis insisted and she didn't say no. Madaling-araw sila bumiyahe para sa umaga, nasa Baler na sila.

While on the road, Laureen rested her head against the window and was in deep thought when Travis asked if she wanted to stop somewhere. It was two in the morning and they got themselves a coffee.

Nakasandal siya sa likod ng sasakyan ni Travis, pinanonood ang mga dumadaan sa expressway nang ibigay nito ang coffee cup sa kaniya. Naramdaman niya ang init sa palad niya at naamoy ang mabangong latte na binili ni Travis.

"Trav." Laureen gazed at Travis, who frowned. "You became the trigger, and I'm really sorry."

"What do you mean?" Travis casually sipped his own coffee.

"That night, Aston was tipsy and saw our photo. The group photo from the foundation's page and there . . . we had a little conversation," Laureen said in a low voice. "He's not really comfortable that we're comfortable with each other."

Travis chuckled. "I don't know if I should apologize."

"You don't. Wala kang kasalanan. It was between Aston and me. Although I explained it to him a couple of times 'bout the relationship we currently have, hindi pa rin naging okay and I became insensit—" She stopped talking and sniffed. "Fuck, I'm crying again." She smiled.

"No one's asking you to stop crying. You're grieving. That's normal," ani Travis. "Parang iniiyak mo na nga ngayon lahat simula noong baby ka."

Malakas na natawa si Laureen dahil sa sinabi ni Travis. Before they became in a relationship, there was friendship. It was the reason why they couldn't stop the companionship.

"I get Aston, J," sabi ni Travis. "His feelings are valid; his doubts, everything. Hindi rin naman kasi biro ang naging relationship natin and not everyone's open to the idea of exes being friends."

"Dad already told me about that. Iba ang environment na kinalakihan ko, e," sabi ni Laureen.

Tumingin sa kaniya. "But that shouldn't be the reason para maging insensitive tayo. If you decide to return with Aston, you must also adjust. Isa 'yan sa kulang sa 'yo. We . . . yes, we need to consider his feelings this time. I understand him."

Natawa si Laureen dahil parang narinig niya kay Travis ang mga hinaing nito sa ilang taon nilang magkahiwalay. Bumalik na rin sila sa daan para mas maagang makapagpahinga.

Walang natulog sa kanila sa biyahe. Pinag-usapan lang nila ang stocks, business partnership, at ang school building na ipinatatayo ng foundation nila sa isang public school sa Baesa. Alam ni Laureen na dina-divert siya ni Travis dahil kung hindi, iiyak na naman siya.

It was effective for a moment until she felt her heart again. Hindi niya maintindihan, pero parang ito ang unang beses niyang maramdaman na paulit-ulit mayroong sumasaksak sa dibdib niya. The feeling was new to her and she didn't know how to even manage her emotions.

Nagbabago na rin ang kulay ng langit nang matanaw nila sa kalsada ang dagat. Naramdaman ni Laureen ang pagkalma ng dibdib niyang hindi niya inasahan. Nilingon niya si Travis na humikab.

"Why did you even volunteer to bring me here?" tanong ni Laureen.

Tumingin sa kaniya si Travis. "I promised my dad to look after you even if we weren't together anymore. Anak ka na rin daw niya noon. Kung hindi man daw tayo magkatuluyan, I should still look after you."

Nagsalubong ang kilay ni Laureen.

"He made me promise kahit hindi na tayo. He loves you so much, you know." Travis smiled. "Mas umiyak pa nga sila ni Mommy noong maghiwalay tayo, pero hindi naman daw kasi puwedeng ipilit ang hindi na puwede."

Ngumiti si Laureen na ibinalik ang tingin sa gilid ng kalsada. Paliwanag na at hindi pa rin siya nagsasabi sa parents niyang darating siya. Wala na rin namang communication si Travis sa parents niya bilang respeto nito kay Aston.

For a week, she overthought everything. Her insensitivity, her lack of communication . . . everything. Na-realize niya na tama sina Travis, Hannah, maging ang parents niya na hindi lahat, kayang tanggapin ang relationship na nakalakihan niya.

Lumaki siyang maayos na magkaibigan ang dating magkarelasyon, pero hindi lahat tanggap iyon. And if Aston wasn't comfortable with the idea, she should've been sensitive. She should've respected him.

"It's so hard to stop," depensa ni Laureen nang tumingin sa kaniya si Travis. "Why am I crying so much!"

"Normal response to pain," ani Travis.

Dumiretso sila sa bahay ng parents niya at hindi pa napapatay ni Travis ang sasakyan, basta na lang bumaba si Laureen. Nakapaa siyang naglakad papunta sa shore. Mas bumigat ang dibdib niya at habang pinakikinggan ang bawat hampas ng alon sa dalampasigan, mas nararamdaman niya ang kagustuhang puntahan si Aston.

Pero hindi niya magawa. Hindi niya ginagawa dahil ayaw na niyang manggulo.

Yumuko siya nang maramdaman ang maligamgam na tubig dagat sa paanan niya. Suot niya ang simpleng sundress at jacket. Humawak ang dalawang kamay niya sa magkabilang tuhod niya nang muling maramdaman ang bigat sa dibdib.

"LJ?" It was her mom's voice. "Bakit hindi kayo tumawag na darating kayo?"

Walang naging sagot si Laureen na patuloy sa mahinang paghagulhol. Humaplos ang kamay ng mommy niya sa likuran niya dahilan para mas lumabas ang iyak na gusto na niyang pigilan, pero hindi niya magawa.

"Ano'ng nangyari?" tanong ng mommy niya.

Patagilid na nilingon ni Laureen ang mommy niya. Kagigising lang nito, halata ang pag-aalala sa mukha, at nakahawak sa braso niya. Parehong nababasa ng tubig dagat ang paa nila, parehong unti-unting lumulubog sa basang buhangin.

"LJ, bakit?" Laurel asked after seeing her daughter's eyes. It was puffy, teary, and lost.

"Mom." Laureen inhaled and exhaled multiple times while holding her chest. "Mom, what have you done?"

—
T H E X W H Y S
www.thexwhys.com