The woman was enormous and clearly not 20-25 years of age either. Hiccup had paused at the door of the Pizza restaurant and asked for the table booked in the name of 'Bogson'-to be directed to a two-person booth where the huge woman was sitting. Her dark blonde hair was pulled into a tight bun and she was wearing a dark blue blouse-dress that was way too tight. Massive muscular arms strained against the denim and her broad shoulders made the young man feel even skinnier than usual. The buttons on her dress were straining hard against her huge bosom as she took a big breath in as she looked up and her round face smiled as she saw the tall, anxious shape walk up. Hiccup tried a smile. 

"Um...hi," he said. "You must be Bertha..." Her face split in a huge grin and she rose, grabbing him and pressing a sloppy kiss on his cheek.

"Hiccup, darling!" she announced at the top of her voice. "You are everything you advertised in one incredibly cute package, Grrrrr....me likey!" He squeaked.

"Um...it's great to see you too," he managed, struggling to break free of her vice-like grasp and sliding into the booth opposite her. She sat down again but she was so huge she loomed over the table. "So-have you been waiting long?"

"Oh, I always arrive early," she told him loudly. "As Team Captain, I have to be ready and on top of everything!" Hiccup ordered a beer as the waitress asked for his order. Bertha asked for two. "Saves time, darling!" she told him.

"So what do you play?" he asked brightly, realising this wasn't in her profile either but determined to make a good fist of this nightmare. It turned out she was the Captain of Berk Pillagers Field Hockey Team-and as goalie, she was an expert at roaring her orders at the team and expecting instant obedience from her defence. He couldn't help but think back to his father and how he would have thoroughly approved of this enormous Valkyrie, who would probably be able to wrestle even seven-foot tall, four-hundred pounds Stock 'the Vast' Haddock into submission.

"We are the Archipelago Champions!" she reminded him and he nodded. The Pillagers were renowned for leaving the opposition teams beaten into submission. He hoped the same didn't hold for Bertha's dates. "So what do you play, darling?" He gave a small self-deprecating shrug.

"Not really designed for contact sports," he admitted, feeling nervous how she was eyeing him up. 

"Don't worry, darling-I'm sure we can bulk you up a bit," she told him, reaching forward and gripping his arm, feeing his muscles. "I'll take you down the Gym and we can get some isometrics going...build you up...hmm, I can see it now..." Hiccup swallowed again, seeing the mad gleam in her eye. Fortunately, the waitress arrived with their drinks and asked to take their order. Hiccup took a shaky sip of his beer and peered at the menu.  He already knew Bertha wasn't the girl for him: he just hoped he could survive the date.

oOo

Astrid also had problems. She had managed to get a table from where she could keep an eye on Hiccup-but as she scanned the menu, she had struggled to find something cheap enough to afford while she occupied the table. She hadn't really factored in food and money was really tight. With a sigh, she ordered a soda water and an order of dough-balls. The waitress frowned and peered at her with an unimpressed look.

"Really, hon? Are you sure? This is a pizza restaurant!" she had reminded the irritated Astrid. And though her stomach was growling, she looked at the prices and sighed.

"And a green salad please," she said.

"Last of the big spenders," the waitress sneered and stalked away, snatching the menu from her hands. Astrid had stared after her and wanted to snap back that she was a waitress as well and could sympathise that there wasn't going to be a great tip from the small-spending blonde-but that was no excuse for rudeness. Then she sighed and peered back at Hiccup, who was sitting very stiffly and looking extremely uncomfortable. And then Astrid inspected the woman opposite: she certainly differed from the 'athletic, warm and fun-loving' supposedly 22-year-old the woman had claimed to be. For one thing, she was clearly about ten years older than Hiccup, massively extrovert and looked like she could snap him in half with one hand. And the way she was throwing back the beers , Astrid doubted the woman would be walking straight by the end of the date.

oOo

Bertha had ordered the 24" maximum meaty pizza with double everything on and another three beers ("To save time, darling!") while Hiccup, who had rapidly lost his appetite, settled for the small vegetarian in the hope it may put Bertha off. Instead, she saw it as a challenge and ordered him three orders of garlic bread, dough balls and a side of lasagne 'to build you up!'. Then she proceeded to polish off three cheesy garlic breads as a starter and finish her two beers, starting on the additional three she had ordered. Hiccup as just starting in fascinated horror as she explained how she trained, how she was gong to train him and how much fun she was going to have with such a cute little boyfriend.

Suddenly being single and alone forever seemed like a very appetising proposition to Hiccup. 

Then the pizzas arrived and the table was groaning under the giant pizza that Bertha had ordered-plus the myriad of sides. Hiccup could barely find room for his modest pizza so he sat with it on his lap as she got to work with the pizza cutter and began munching her way through the pile of meat. Her mouth was in constant motion as she chewed her way through the food and Hiccup relished the silence, trying to gather his thoughts. He had to find some way of letting her down gently-without her murdering him, for he guessed she really wouldn't take rejection lying down. In fact, she would probably see it as another challenge and stalk him to get him to change his mind...

"Three more beers!" Bertha asked, attacking her fifth with gusto and Hiccup's eyes widened, her speech was a little slurred but the fact she was rapidly getting inebriated didn't seem to slow down her ability to eat massive amounts of food. Hiccup took another sip of his first and only beer and munched his vegetarian pizza. He didn't actually want a vegetarian pizza but it seemed to be the only option. He reached for a dough ball-only to have his hand slapped away.

"Mine!" Bertha mumbled through a mouthful of garlic bread, forgetting she had purportedly ordered them for her date. "You could always have gotten your own!" He raised a hand in surrender and returned to his pizza. Somehow, she managed to clear the table, eating everything except his pizza and downing a total of nine beers by the time the table was cleared. Then she leered at Hiccup and lunged forward, her huge paws grabbing his shoulders. He managed a wan smile.

"Had enough?" he asked but she smiled.

"I love a man with an appetite," she smirked. "Double tiramisu and two more beers and a coffee..." She paused. "And you, sexy?" Hiccup smiled in concern, hoping she would let him go. 

"Coffee," he said.

"And a tiramisu for him as well, darling," Bertha amended. She winked. "I can always eat it for you if you can't manage!" He swallowed. 

"Wow-is that the time?" he managed but Bertha hauled him round the table and slammed a very wet kiss on his face.

"Oh, you're not getting away, darling!" she slurred. "I bet you're a demon in the sack as well!" It was meant to be sultry but the words were so loud everyone in the restaurant heard and Hiccup blushed bright scarlet. If nothing else, he hadn't gotten anywhere near first base with Ana so the fact this troll-woman was now eating his face and threatening him with...well, probably sex...was freaking him out. Bertha's eyes were hazed, her breath smelled strongly of beer and she was very slurred-but still frighteningly strong. He struggled but Bertha was gripping him like an octopus and slobbering over his face. He had horrific visions of the drunken woman trying to copulate with him in the middle of the restaurant. 

Hand waving desperately, he cast a glance round, looking vainly for Astrid.

oOo

Astrid had cut her dough balls into tenths to try to make them last longer and was eking them out, keeping a discreet eye on the table where the enormous woman was demolishing enough food for a family of six. Hiccup had his back to her but he looked tense and she sighed, sipping her soda water and eating another couple of slivers of dough ball. Then she heard the woman announce her presumptions about Hiccup's capabilities as a lover and her head snapped up as she saw her lunge for him and his waving hand. 

Astrid sighed and grabbed a small tomato from her supposed green salad, then weighed it in her hand and launched it full strength at the harpy. There was a splat and her head snapped up, allowing the struggling Hiccup to gasp some well-needed air. She frowned.

"Did you feel something, darling?" she asked loudly. 

"Yeah, the earth moved!" someone from a neighbouring table sniggered.

"No one asked you," Bertha growled, looking around but not releasing Hiccup.

"Well, everyone all the way to Meathead can hear you!" another person shouted. 

"Leave the poor guy alone!" someone else shouted.

"You'll crush him!" another voice cried. Hiccup wished the floor would swallow him up. Astrid swiftly asked for her cheque and slapped down the money plus a very carefully calculated but suitably small tip then rose as Bertha continued shouting at the other patrons. Suddenly, she lurched to her feet and lumbered towards the next table where a group of four men were slinging insults at her. There was a moment's pause-and then she launched herself on them with a blood-curdling scream, fists swinging. 

Hiccup leaned forward, gasping for breath as Astrid dashed forward. He cast her an accusing glance.

"Where-where were you?" he asked her and she gave a small blush.

"I was hardly expecting her to launch herself on you like that!" she protested. "I mean, she thought you were very cute and seemed to be very keen on you..."

"That makes one of us," Hiccup said urgently. "Astrid-get me out of here-please! She'll crush me to death!"

They both ducked as as husky guy flew overhead and Bertha's roar echoed throughout the restaurant. More people were piling in to help the poor guys from the drunken and enraged woman.

"I mean-Thor-who is this woman?" Hiccup added. "She eats enough for five, drinks gallons of beer and can fight off half a restaurant."

"And she's hardly 20-25!" Astrid added with a smile, handing him his coat. "Look-you can either hang around-and I guess then she'll drag you back to her place and, well-you are just going to have to have sex with her or she'll probably kill you."

"Or we could maybe leave?" he suggested, watching Bertha throw a college footballer and bodyslam him. Astrid grinned. 

"Cheque please!" she said urgently, waving at the waitress, who narrowed her eyes. "My friend wants to get out of here." Flicking her eyes over to Bertha, who was biting a guy's leg, the waitress gave Hiccup a pitying look and handed him a huge cheque. Without flinching, he desperately handed over enough money to cover the food.

"I'm not paying for damages!" he said firmly, as the smash of a table sounded, followed by breaking glass.

"Did you enjoy your meal?" the waitress said, raising her voice to be heard above the shouts and groans of the fight. The faint sounds of sirens could be heard.

"The pizza was very nice, thanks," Hiccup said. 

"Come again," the waitress said automatically as he scooted for the exit with Astrid leading the way. Other diners were running for the exits as well as the two escapees got into Astrid's car. Hiccup looked up, his eyes almost accusing as four police cars pulled up outside and riot police stormed into the restaurant. One almost immediately left straight through the front window.

"Where were you, wingman?" he asked faintly. "I was literally getting killed and you...you let her..." His hands frantically gesticulated  and she saw his complete panic. She took his hand and squeezed, her touch calming his anger and agitation. 

"If you had been in any real danger, I would have risked death and thought of something," she assured him. "And I wouldn't have let her take you off." He nodded, still shaking and absently wiped his face to remove the last of the lipstick and slobber. 

"She didn't say ANY of that on her profile or in the emails!" he said accusingly. 

"Would you have chosen her if she actually said 'I am a 35 year old violent alcoholic hockey goalkeeper whose hobbies are wrestling, fighting and eating and drinking enough for a college football team. Oh and I'm ludicrously thick-skinned, touchy and sex-obsessed.'?" He shook his head.

"Oh Gods," he said, face-palming.

"Look, you are alive, all your limbs are intact and so is your virtue," Astrid told him, turning the key in the ignition. "You don't have to ever see her again. I'll take you home and you can make me coffee and tell me exactly what happened..."

"Thor, no," he said too quickly. She switched off the engine. "Um, yes to the going home and coffee with you but I really want to forget about this date and possibly dating altogether..." She smiled at him and he felt a little flicker of warmth in his chest. 

"Oh no, dragon boy-you are not getting out of this that easily!" she told him as she started the car again and they cautiously pulled out. "Just because you managed to get the date from Hel, doesn't mean the right girl isn't out there for you!"

And even though Hiccup knew he was probably going to get a nightmare when he finally got to sleep that night after his experience, he smiled. Somehow, he knew Astrid wouldn't give up-and even the experience of driving with her to and from the date was worth the ordeal-and far better than the date itself. 

So he was willing to have another go-for Astrid.