Caden POV

I was anxious to meet with my mother.

I had no idea what state I’d find her in. And even if I got lucky and it was one of her good days, that could change in a blink of an eye.

I still didn’t know what I’d say to her; I never did. I found out long ago that it was best to just go with the flow when it came to talking with mom.

There were so many things I knew I wanted to tell her… But I was scared at the same time.

Firstly, there was the whole business with Gavin and my resolve to give him a chance. I knew she would be proud of my decision, but I was afraid it would also remind her that her husband was now an alcoholic and then she would recall the reason for it.

I sighed and reached my left hand up to rub my forehead. The right one I kept firmly placed on the steering wheel although I wanted to let go of it and shelter my eyes with my hands. Not a good idea considering I was currently driving.

I put my hand back on the steering wheel, thinking about another topic I wanted to discuss with mom: I had resolved to drink less. Again, something she’d appreciate and again it would lead her to the question “Why?”.

Question: Why did I make that choice?

Answer: Because my father was an alcoholic and I didn’t want to be like him.

Question: Why was my father an alcoholic?

Answer: Because of the tragedy that struck my family, more particularly my mother.

And if mom had the same train of thought as me, she’d reach the same conclusions. It would remind her of what happened to her and what she'd lost because of it. And that would send her spiraling down to the debts of deep depression once again. Definitely something I did not want her to go through!

God! Talking to my mom was like walking on thin ice! You always had to be on your guard, to mind each slow, careful step you take in attempt to postpone breaking it for a little longer. Because yes, the ice would eventually break and you can only hope the crack won’t be big enough to prevent you from moving on.

The third subject I had in mind was actually something good… Yet it also made me anxious.

It was Alice.

The little brunette was occupying my passenger seat, gazing through the car window in silence.

Was she giving me time to collect my thoughts or was she too nervous herself to speak?

How would she react to my mother?

How would my mother react to her?

I didn’t have the answers but I’d made some plans about our relationship which I did not intend to discuss with neither Alice, nor my mom.

It was one of the resolutions I reached when I was at Cillian’s:

Resolution number one: Try to give Gavin a chance.

Resolution number two: Drink less.

Resolution number three: Try not to kill Keegan.

Resolution number four: No romantic interactions with Alice. I even had a game plan about that one. I’d prepared a whole set of new rules to help me achieve it. No daydreaming about Alice. Don’t call her on the phone just to hear her voice. Don’t give her any hugs unless she’s really, really upset. Whatever you do, DON’T KISS ALICE! Avoid being alone with her unless you have a good reason. Avoid being alone with her even if you do have a good reason…

Okay, obviously I was failing the last one. But this time I had a strong motive to do so. I immediately remembered another of my own rules: Don’t give yourself excuses to break the rules.

But this wasn’t exactly an excuse, was it?

“No, it wasn’t!” I made the decision in my mind. “You actually asked her to accompany you before making up those rules. Besides, this is important; so you can make an exception for it. But there will be no more alone with Alice activities from now on. Apart from teaching her how to fight; that stuff is useful!”

I snuck a gaze to the girl beside me. My eyebrows knitted as I noticed she was now observing me with a thoughtful expression. What was on her mind?

*****

Alice POV

Caden had been quiet throughout the ride. He didn’t speak, nor did he even look at me.

Was he angry with me after all?

He didn’t appear to be so today at school. If anything, it looked like he was trying to forget the whole thing. So maybe I was putting too much into the current situation. He was probably just nervous to meet his mother.

He had told me he hadn’t visited her in a while. And he had also warned me about what was ahead of me: prepare for the worst, hope for the best and expect the unexpected. Well, he didn’t use those cliché phrases, but that was pretty much the meaning behind his words. Apparently Rachel’s state was very fragile and we had to be careful about what we said, what we did and even the way we looked at her.

Oh, damn! Now I was the one getting all twitchy. I really wished I could talk to the twins; they always made things better, although they had different means to do so: if you wanted a sound advice, you should seek Beth; and if you were in need of some comic relief, Skyler was the man to go to.

Suddenly my hands felt clammy and I wiped them on my jeans.

Wait; was my attire suitable to meet Rachel?

Long light blue jeans, plain denim jacket and a green tank top… It wasn’t too revealing, was it? I mean, it was showing my bellybutton…

I sounded silly even to myself, worrying about something as insignificant as my clothing.

Of course it wasn’t too revealing; it didn’t show any cleavage and my bellybutton was only visible if I stretched. My clothes were completely normal and casual with nothing slutty about them…

Oh, God! What if Rachel’s attacker wore light blue jeans or a green t-shirt? What if I somehow provoke memories of that night?

“Calm down, Alice; you’re clearly overreacting!” My subconscious scolded me.

There was nothing about my clothing to worry about. Besides, I was sure Caden would’ve said so if he thought I wore something that could upset his mother.

I looked at the driver seat where the boy stood with his face set in a hard expression. He was obviously stressed and I wondered if he would be able to hide that once we reached Rachel.

I noticed he snuck a glance my way and his frown deepened.

I guess whatever the problem was, I was a part of it.

*****

Caden POV

We entered the large hallway that led to the hospital reception desk. My sneakers squeaked against the polished floor. It was checkered, with white and pale yellow squares, probably meant to be soothing. The walls were also a relaxing baby blue. There were several metallic frame seats with crème-colored faux leather. The only dark things here were a set of deep green plants but even the pots they were planted in were in various pastel tints.

“It’s very… umm… clean here…” Alice said as we got closer to the light wood reception desk.

“Don’t try to make things better!” I responded, recognizing her attempt to ease the situation.

“Not helping?”

“No.”

“Hello, Caden!” A young, good-looking nurse who was in her twenties approached me with a flirty smile. “Haven’t seen you here in a while. I’ll take you to Rachel’s room. And I’ll send someone to help you, Miss,” she added, turning to Alice.

“She’s with me,” I explained.

“Oh! A relative?”

“No.” Her smile disappeared at my answer and she looked Alice over. “And I know where the room is so we’ll go by ourselves.”

“Of course!” The nurse managed to lift the corners of her lips up in some semblance of a smile. “As you wish. If you need anything just call me! I’ll be more than glad to be of service to you, Caden.”

She left us on our own and I led the way to mom’s room.

“Well, she seemed happy to see me with you!” Alice stated with a note of sarcasm and something else which I hoped to be jealousy. Hoped to be jealousy?! No, Caden you’re not going there with her! Just friends. Remember the rules… Your own rules!

“Have you two…” I snorted before she could even finish her question.

“Only in her dreams! She’s been coming on to me for a while now though.”

“So why haven’t you… You know…”

“Are you kidding me? She's what? Eight... Nine years our senior? That sort of thing can land her in prison.”

“So you've never slept with an older woman?”

“Let's not discuss this now...”

I stopped walking and turned away from the girl when we reached the room.

“She might not recognize me.” I told Alice, feeling a lump form in my throat at the thought that my own mother might not be able to tell me apart from a total stranger. Those were rare occasions on the worst of her relapses, but it’s been known to happen. “Or maybe she’ll take me for Logan. Either way just go along with her reaction!”

I refused to look at Alice. I didn’t want her to see just how much this was affecting me; I didn’t want her to know the weaker side of me. If she saw me vulnerable then she wouldn’t depend on me as much as she did now… And I really wanted her to know that I would always be there for her.

“Cade, are you sure you want me to come in with you?” She asked me quietly, concern clear in her voice.

“Yes.” I nodded. “Both Keegan and Asher have visited her here so I want to introduce you as well.” I felt something warm touch my right hand. When I gazed at it, I realized it was Alice’s hand holding onto mine. I looked at the girl and she gave me a small, encouraging smile.

All of a sudden I felt foolish. I felt like a complete idiot for thinking that if I show my softer side, I’d loose her companionship. This was Alice after all! The sweet, caring Alice. She wouldn’t turn away from me; she would be there for me. And I was just as dependant on her as she was on me.

I gave her hand a gentle squeeze and her smile grew larger, bringing me even more comfort than before. I let go of the girl’s hand went on with my briefing:

“You should know that my mom shies away from people. So, please, just speak calmly and don’t move around too much, Alice!”

Having given her those final instructions and getting a nod in response, I turned the round doorknob and we entered the room.