"I'm not like he is, you know," he tells me, but that isn't the part that stirs my cold, dead heart. It's the words he follows it up with a second later, as though it barely takes him anything to let them out: "So if you want to run, run. I won't sit on the sidelines and wait for you to slip away, like you never existed." He pauses, thickly. Takes a second, in a way I can understand. "I'll fight for you, El. I'll always fight for you."

― Charlotte Stein, Power Play

***

Porchay assumed he was done with crying every time his tears stopped, only to be proven wrong. He had no idea how that was possible, or why. Why did his eyes become itchy and foggy, leaking tears like they had a limitless water supply? Because it wasn't true. He forgot to drink most of the time and only permitted himself to surrender to the richness that was now easily available to him when his body started to fall apart. He hated it. It was another reminder of how meaningless everything around him was to him.

'How pathetic...' He thought with a sigh.

Porchay placed his head on the cool surface of the window that led to the terrace connected to his room. After everything that happened during the week and yesterday after the funeral, one could assume that his brain would be too tired to torture him. But despite his splitting headache and prickling eyes, sleep once again seemed to have no mercy for him. It was raining outside, gray clouds covered the sky, and the early morning appeared to be night. It was amusing, a testimony of how desperately alone he was that he was glad that at least the sky seemed to be with him in his pain. A distant thunderclap lit up the sky, and Porchay's heart stopped for a second.

Someone was standing outside.

Someone was standing outside on the terrace and there was only a glass window separating him from that person. Porchay, frozen in panic, brushed away his tears, hoping that his blurry vision was causing him to see things. With a thundering roar, the sky lightened up again, revealing the silhouette. With a blink of an eye, Porchay recognized the all-black attire and leather jacket.

It was Kim...

Just as the tension left his body, the rage came to Porchay, running in his veins like hot lava and blinding him to anything else. With clenched fists and a tight jaw, he stood up, yanked open the glass window, and marched toward the man who seemed hellbent on making him lose the little sanity that was left in him.

"What do you want?" Porchay growled before coming to a stop right before the man.

"You said you knew Khimhant Theerapanyakun," Kim muttered, hands placed in his jacket pockets as he leaned back on the railing, and tilted his head in a way as if he was challenging him.

"Yes, so?" Porchay hissed.

"I am here to show you just how much of him I hid away from you," Kim said with a shrug.

"So does Khimhant Theerapanyakun not know that doors are a thing? How did you even get up here?" Porchay demanded.

Until a few days ago, the east side of the compound had remained unoccupied apart from the third floor that was given to Porchay. But even though Kim was the rightful owner, only Porchay had access to the floor. Therefore, he knew that no one had used the elevator since morning, as no alarm signaled anyone arriving on his floor. Did that mean Kim climbed the three floors of the building before materializing on his terrace?

"A locked door, a barricaded entrance, or a blocked number. Nothing can stop me from being somewhere I want to be," Kim whispered dangerously as he stepped closer, crowding Porchay's space. When he saw the younger boy shivering, he told himself that was a normal reaction. Porchay should have reacted like that; he wanted him to comprehend what and who Khimhant was. He must!

But it only took a few seconds for Porchay to recover and look up at him with a glare, lips pressed firmly. Seeing that, Kim let out a sigh. "Follow me," he muttered before walking into the room.

Porchay scoffed at the man's attempt to intimidate him but followed him nevertheless.

Kim walked a few steps ahead of him. And that's how, for once, Porchay could fully observe how people fell and bent to accommodate every nonverbal command the youngest master omitted. How did they even understand what Kim wanted? And why did they seem particularly terrorized? Porchay would have thought that between the three brothers, it was Tankhun who was prone to punish people for slight mistakes and Kinn who roared and frowned till he seemed to have only one eyebrow yet not that hot-headed for a mafia leader. Kim, on the other hand, was just...quiet. Yet people around him kept shaking and breaking at his one glance. How strange...

On one of their outings in the weeks when Kim was more available and willing to let him be in his presence, Porchay had witnessed a waiter drop a milkshake glass on Kim and even though he seemed annoyed, Kim had allowed the thing to go with a nod and an awkward smile. There had been a few similar incidents. Porchay himself had made countless mistakes even after Kim's repeated detailed explanations, but never once had Kim lost his patience. So why did everyone around them now seem to be shivering, as if Kim was some deranged, violent monster and would attack them at the drop of a hat?

Once they entered the compound's main building, it took Porchay some time to realize how everyone around them was attentive to Kim's body language and ready to guess from the multiple options what he may want. When Kim chose to sit at the table near the window, the staff in the kitchen started to fall on themselves to set the table for them.

"Khun Kim," the head chef came running and bowed low, ready to prepare breakfast for the young master at his order, but Kim said nothing. He just raised one eyebrow at the chef and the older man started to tremble and fell into an even deeper bow.

"Of course, Khun Kim," the head chef nodded in a fast motion several times before running away.

'What just happened?' Porchay couldn't help but wonder. Shocked at everyone's behavior around Kim, even more so when the table began to fill up with various foods and dishes at an impossible speed. 'What a waste of food,' Porchay thought as he eyed the heavily whipped cream cake. Didn't they know Kim doesn't like sweets and rarely eats in the morning?

"Eat," Kim muttered, putting the plate of freshly cut fruits in front of Porchay.

With a confused frown, Porchay followed his order, eyeing how Kim drank his usual black coffee; no cream, no sugar, just the poison of his choice without even looking at anything else on the table. Stabbing the apple in his plate, Porchay narrowed his eyes, almost sure that Kim's raised eyebrows meant 'What do you want?' and not 'Do I have to tell you even that?' as the chef had taken it to be before preparing every dish he could. His suspicion changed into certainty when the bodyguards on the outside door kept stumbling on themselves, guessing if Kim wanted to go out in the car he arrived in or wanted someone to fetch his car or use another car. They kept running around and freezing when Kim sighed out loud and snatched the car keys from the bodyguard standing nearby without paying attention to how the man looked like his soul left his body at Kim's contact.

That was when it struck Porchay. Kim used his silence as a weapon. He didn't need words or actions to terrorize others. He was unpredictable because he was silent and he led others to believe whatever they wanted to believe about him. Given the way gossip roamed around in the compound, and how everyone was dramatic, Porchay was sure Kim's silence gave him a reputation more than his actions had.

Porchay was sure of his observation when, even at the building of Kim's apartment, people kept behaving the same. The first time he had come around, he hadn't noticed how Kim never needed to ask for things, and how people followed his orders without him having to verbalize anything.

Once they reached his apartment, Kim led Porchay to the sole room that he had not entered whenever Kim had permitted him to come over. It was quite spacious, with shelves filled with books, files, paintings, and a table that looked like it came out of some conference room; a typical home office setup apart from the wall that had the biggest canvas he had ever seen.

"Is Khimhant self-obsessed or Wik-obsessed?" Porchay asked, eyeing the canvas. That was something a Wik fan would have displayed on their walls, not Wik himself. Hell, a few months ago, he himself would have loved to have a painting of Wik's beautiful face.

Kim walked past him and pushed the painting to the left, and for a second Porchay thought he was going to pull it down from the wall but then something clicked and the painting moved, revealing a board with pictures and red and blue threads, colorful notes. Porchay walked closer to look at something that surely came out of a mystery/thriller movie. Was that a murder board or an investigation one? There were many names and pictures of people that he didn't know about, and then there were Theerapanyakuns, the entire family tree, and his hia and his own picture pinned down on the board.

"What is this?" Porchay asked in confusion.

"I was trying to trace down the movements," Kim responded cryptically.

"Details, please," Porchay muttered with a glare.

"Movements on my father's chessboard," Kim muttered.

When he didn't elaborate, Porchay sighed. So, at his core, even Khimhant wasn't a talker. The version of Kim Porchay had access to was quiet yet attentive, sweet even. Wik didn't talk much about other things, but he was very articulate and passionate about music and maybe that's why no one noticed how Kim didn't know how to talk. Everything made sense now to Porchay. Contrary to what others believed, it wasn't the will or intention that was missing. Kim didn't know how to talk. The man couldn't communicate even when he seemed to want to. Kim stood there and continued to look at Porchay as if he was expecting him to have a breakthrough or a breakdown after looking at the board with a bunch of pictures.

"Khun Khimhant, would you please explain why your having a hidden investigating board is supposed to scare me?" Porchay asked, a bit annoyed, mostly tired.

"I am not trying to scare you," Kim muttered.

"You are testing me and with each step, you are expecting me to run away while screaming in horror. Or better yet, you want me to run away," Porchay said, anger shimmering in his eyes.

"Well, you should," Kim said.

"Don't make excuses, Kim Theerapanyakun. Don't make it about me, it's you who doesn't want to be with me," Porchay said, trying to stop himself from yelling at the man.

"I have killed many people," Kim confessed.

"Well, I am aware of that. You left bodies in Yok's bar for me to find that out, remember?" Porchay said, hesitating to add how Vegas had shown pictures and videos of Kim's latest kills. "Anyway, I was there in your father's office. I heard what you said and what he said to you. I know there are things I may not know about you, but I can fill in the blanks. So just admit it. It's not about me; it's about you. What do you want?"

"I want you to be safe," Kim muttered.

"And what does that have anything to do with you not wanting to be with me?" Porchay asked, irked.

"I am not safe for you," Kim spelled it out as if it was Porchay who was being unreasonable.

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Porchay said. "If it's about you being from the mafia family, well, flash news, now I am too. Wouldn't it be better if you were my partner and not someone from outside? If not, what do you want me to do? Never date anyone? Or find someone else from within the mafia? Don't you see you are being unreasonable? You made a useless sacrifice; you broke my heart unnecessarily. What do you want from me now?"

When Kim pressed his lips and remained silent, Porchay felt his patience expire. "God, you are so frustrating," he muttered, his heart shattering along with his hope. "Fine, fine. Let's end it by saying it was me. I got scared of the mighty Khimhant and ran away. Would that be enough? I will stop chasing you, forget whatever happened, and move on without causing a scene. Would that be enough? I will never approach you; No, actually, I will change my path whenever I even suspect you will be in the vicinity. Would that be enough?"

His throat felt raw after the yelling, and finally, Porchay allowed the tears that were blinding him to fall when all Kim offered him was silence. With a defeated nod, he turned to leave. After only a few steps, he was yanked back by his arm. Standing toe-to-toe with Kim for the first time after months made him realize he had grown a little taller than him. But his height had nothing on Kim, as a few inches didn't diminish the power he had over Porchay. And when the man opened his mouth, he proved how mutual that fact was.

"When you came to confront me, I reacted that way because I was horrified at you falling victim to my world, and I fear rejection from you. I was terrified at the thought of how you would look at me after finding out who I really was. That day, you hadn't looked at me the way you had been looking at me before. You liked Wik, and whatever of Kim you have seen, but you would have never liked Khimhant," Kim muttered in a whisper.

"It wasn't up to you to decide. You just had to be honest with me," Porchay cried out.

"You are right. I understand that now. I just didn't want you to know me as Khimhant," Kim mumbled.

"Why?" Porchay demanded, exhausted.

"Because I wanted you to keep looking at me as if I was someone worthy. I never wanted you to find out about Khimhant or the truth," Kim muttered, looking at his hand that was still holding Porchay's arm.

"Truth always comes out, and Khimhant is a part of you. Didn't I tell you I would like any part of you?" Porchay reminded as he wiped his tears away with the back of his hand.

"You told that to Wik," Kim whispered.

"I also fell in love with Kim. What made you think I wouldn't have felt the same for Khimhant?" Porchay demanded and laughed out loud at the irony. "P'Kim, it's you who doesn't know me. I am not some self-righteous angel who would have judged you for being born in your family or for surviving and protecting your loved ones."

With a bitter laugh, Porchay continued. "Who do you think I am? I grew up seeing how hard it is to live in this world if you are poor or powerless. My brother did whatever he could so we would survive for one more day, one more week, or one more month. Even though he tried to shield me, there have been times when goons and loan sharks come after our uncle and beat me up to gain information. Do you think I would have minded a partner who can protect himself and me if needed? Do you think I would have minded the security and peace of mind that someone like that could provide me? The fact that you are strong and capable and survived everything that happened to you makes me relieved, P'Kim. Do you get that?"

When Kim kept looking at him with wide eyes, Porchay let out a shuddering sigh, feeling exposed as he voiced his darkest thoughts. "All my life I had been worried and tormented by the fear of losing my brother, my home, whatever little we had. There was a part of me that became an escapist because I didn't have control over my reality. Music gave me that escape, Wik gave me that escape. He became my safe space when my space kept being invaded by others. Wik saved me with his music by giving me a few moments of escape from my reality."

"And then Wik became Kim, and he saved me from loneliness and insanity by keeping me alive and concentrated in the present when I needed it the most. P'Kim, in those six months, if it wasn't for you, I would have gone crazy over the fact that I didn't know where my brother was when he went contactless. And then Khimhant saved me when I got kidnapped. All my life, I had no power, no security, no way to change my reality. Do you really think the idea of someone as strong and in control as Khimhant would have scared me?"

Porchay wiped his tears with a self-deprecating laugh. "Why do you think my question to you was if you ever loved me and not something else?"

When Kim continued to look at him with a deep frown, Porchay replied with a scoff. "Because if your answer would have been yes, I would have forgiven you. Of course, with time and after you would have explained your reasons and all the whys. But I would have. Because I am that stupid for you."

When Kim continued to stare at him, looking bewildered, Porchay laughed bitterly. "The one who should run away while screaming in horror is you, P'Kim. Because clearly, I am not the sane one here."

They stood there in silence for a moment, looking at each other before Kim broke the silence.

"Before you, my mother was the last person to tell me she loved me. Do you know what happened after that? She died. I felt her body turn cold and hard. Chan had to tear her arms to get me out of her embrace. Those were her last words to me and I keep hearing them in my nightmare and she keeps dying. Do you remember what happened when you told me those words? You were taken away from me, right in front of my eyes. It was as if history was repeating itself. You may think I am in control and strong. But, Porchay, no one is more afraid than me," Kim said in a whisper.

"Before your kidnapping, I had been struggling for months, telling myself to get out of your life. It wasn't push and pull because I got bored or lost interest, because God, Chay you were everything I wanted. You were everything I wanted but couldn't have. You were the biggest temptation I ever had to resist, and I couldn't. I never had been able to resist you. I fell, again and again, and went back to you even knowing I shouldn't. Decades of training and self-control were and are nothing when it comes to you," Kim confessed.

"You resisted alright," Porchay scoffed.

"I didn't. I don't. Nothing has changed or better yet, it has only gotten worse. I want you, Porchay. I want you so desperately. But I don't want your blood on my hand. I am terrified of losing you to death. The more you became important to me, the more I had nightmares about something happening to you because of me. I don't want you to die. I don't want to hold your body as it turns cold and watch you slip away. God, Porchay, I will die," Kim whispered brokenly.

"P'Kim," Porchay gasped, eyes widening at the sight of silent tears slipping from the man's eyes.

Unable to stop himself, Kim repeated. "If something happens to you, I will die along with you. Whatever is left of me, whatever is left of my soul, will die along with you."

Porchay bit his lips to stop himself from sobbing. Kim's pain was breaking his heart in his chest. "What does that even mean, P'Kim? You rather see me die slowly day by day away from you?"

"I'd rather you heal, move on, and live peacefully," Kim said as he harshly wiped away the water that was blinding him.

"And what if I told you that I need you to do that?" Porchay dared as he held onto Kim's jacket, his fingers turning white from the tightness of his grip.

"Oh, the selfish part of me desperately hopes so. But I can't be selfish with you. I can't dare. So I would tell you that you need to try, Chay. Try harder," Kim muttered, halfheartedly,

"What if I want you to be selfish? You keep trying to push the agenda that you are some kind of dangerous creature I shouldn't want, but what if I want no one but you?" Porchay asked pleadingly, his eyes full of tears and a sadness that didn't suit him.

Kim could feel how, brick by brick, Porchay's pain and his constant pleading were breaking the high walls of reason. His decision to leave Porchay was rational; the fact that Porchay deserved better was obvious; and his fear of something bad happening to Porchay was valid. Kim wanted to follow logic and facts, and never let his fear come true, but Porchay's tears and pain were clouding his judgment. Porchay's words confused him with their warmth, his hold on him reminding Kim of the desperation he had felt each time he had thought he was seeing Porchay for the last time.

Kim had no control over it. By now, wanting to ease Porchay's pain has become an instinct, a tendency he couldn't help. Porchay has become his Achilles heel. Kim could feel Porchay's tears working their magic on him once again, slowly melting his resolve, causing chaos, and creating doubts within his brain.

With his system under attack, Kim couldn't help but wonder. "I don't have much to offer you, so why?"

Porchay could see the man crumbling under the pressure. He knew it was his chance, so without any hesitation, he went for the neck. "You can give me you, all of you. P'Kim. I know I told you I would be content with any of your sides, but now I want all of your sides. Be it Wik, Kim or Khimhant, or even another side of you that you have kept hidden, I want you."

"You don't know any better..." Kim protested weakly.

Porchay scoffed. "Do you know any better, P'Kim? You may be a few years older than me, but you don't have any experience either. So what makes your argument valid and not mine?"

Kim sighed at the challenge. "I wouldn't know what to do with you...I don't know what to do with what I feel for you."

"You will learn. We will learn together, P'Kim. Just give us a chance..." Porchay said earnestly.

As the big and pretty eyes pleaded for Kim to give in, he shook his head before muttering. "I don't want to take a chance with you, Porchay. Nothing is worth the risk of you getting hurt."

"Oh, but I have been hurting for so long, P'Kim," Porchay said, resting his head on the elder man's shoulder. "Ever since that day, I feel I am alone and there is a hole in my chest. Nothing I do fills it. Not going to clubs, drinking, or meeting someone new, certainly not changing my hair color. Nothing I had done worked. Nothing seems to work. My heart and soul have decided to belong to you. There is nothing I can do or could do that will change that."

"You have chosen the wrong person to devote yourself to," Kim whispered, even though he rested his cheek on the head that was on his shoulder.

"You don't see yourself clearly, not the way I can..." Porchay muttered in the black leather jacket.

"You are going to regret it," Kim warned him with a sigh.

"I won't. Never. It's not possible," came a strong response.

"I don't want to be a regret for you, Chay. That would kill me," Kim whispered.

Porchay raised his head and looked at the fear that was so visible in Kim's eyes. With a smile, he cupped the man's beautiful face in his hands. "I would never regret you, P'Kim. Even in the worst stage of pain, I didn't regret you. I just wished I had not been as oblivious to things as I was. I was angry at myself and you. Heartbroken? Yes, but I didn't regret you."

As he saw the ongoing war on Kim's face, Porchay knew he could win. So he asked: "What would convince you to accept that I would be happy with you?"

"I know I won't be able to give you what you deserve," Kim muttered with a frown, his eyes falling to the floor, an open display of insecurities and shame.

Porchay gently grasped Kim's chin between his fingers, maintaining eye contact before asking, "How do you know that?"

"I will always want to know where you are," Kim admitted.

"You always seem to know where I am, anyway. So, what? Instead of silently stalking me, you will ask me? I'm fine with that," Porchay responded with a shrug, cracking a smile when the man glared at him. With a sigh, he promised. "I will tell you whenever you want to know and whatever you want to know."

"You will have to keep a GPS tracker on you all the time," Kim demanded.

"You don't already have one on me?" Porchay asked, confused.

"I will never do such a thing to you without your knowledge and permission first," Kim shrieked, hurt at the accusation.

"Sorry, P'Kim, I didn't mean it that way...It's just that you always know when I am in danger and you come to rescue me, so I thought maybe you have some way to track me," he explained.

"That's because it was mostly predictable and I have a well-functioning spy network," Kim said.

"Wow, my P'Kim is so efficient," Porchay complimented with a cheeky grin and warped his arms around the man's shoulder.

"Shut up," Kim muttered with blush-tainted cheeks and ears.

"Anything else?" Porchay asked with a smile.

"Once you are mine, you are going to be mine forever. You won't be able to back off or change your mind later," Kim warned, his hand sneaking to get a hold of Porchay's waist.

"So this is what they meant by you being like Gollum?" Porchay said with a laugh.

"If I decide something to be mine, it's mine. Nothing and no one can stop me. But Porchay, you aren't a thing," Kim muttered helplessly. "I am possessive by nature, but can't be possessive of you. You are a human being, the most beautiful one and so precious. I can't lock you up in my safe or guard you like you are my most cherished treasure. I can't hide you away. I fear I will hurt you due to my controlling tendencies."

As Porchay saw him drifting away, he called him back. "Don't do that. P'Kim, don't! You say you don't think of me as a thing, so why are you once again thinking that I am some passive object that wouldn't react to your actions? I may be young, but I know my worth and won't let anything overpower me. Not even for you. I will not tolerate shit. What you said proves that you know the limits, the right from wrong, and I trust you to not cross those limits. So trust me when I say that I won't let you cross those limits either."

"I fear I will end up suffocating you with my fears and you will leave," Kim confessed in a whisper.

"I promise I will stop things from getting so worse that it will come to that," Porchay said.

"I will not let anything I do be the reason for your regret. If you stay... If you are mine..." Kim muttered, unsure yet willing.

With a soft smile, he caressed Kim's forehead and tucked his hair behind his flushed ears. "I have been yours before we even met, P'Kim. Don't you already know that?"

"Don't say things like that, Chay..." Kim whispered as he rested his forehead on Porchay's shoulder.

"Why? Am I finally breaking your resolve to follow that stupid belief that we shouldn't be together?" Porchay inquired with a smile. He didn't get a vocal response, but his smile deepened when Kim kept his face hidden in his neck. So Porchay let the silence linger as he held his man impossibly close to himself and ran his fingers through the silky hair he had countless times dreamed and fantasized over.

"Say something, P'Kim..." he pleaded after a while.

"I love you," Kim confessed in a whisper. "I do love you. Porchay Pichaya Kittisawat, I have been in love with you ever since you serenaded me with a love song."

"Of course, the way to a musician's heart is through music only," Porchay laughed before pressing his lips on Kim's hair, temple, cheek, neck, and shoulder.

"There is something I have been curious about," Kim muttered and suddenly moved away from him.

"What?" Porchay asked with a frown, but let the man hold his hand and drag him wherever he wanted, only to realize what they were walking toward. "P'Kim, what? Why are we going to your bedroom?"

"Why are you getting nervous all of a sudden? You said you wanted me and you were kissing me a few seconds ago," Kim reminded with a smirk as he tried to pull him by his arm.

"No, I mean, we both are new to this. We should take things slow," Porchay stuttered, eyes wide at the change in the elder man's attitude.

"Why? We both want each other, so why should we? You have to remember that at the end of the day, I am a Theerapanyakun man. There is no such thing as taking it slow for us. You must have heard something about Kinn or Vegas," Kim said, his eyes full of mirth.

"At least take me on three dates before taking me to your bed," Porchay protested, trying to pull his arm away.

"Don't worry, we won't do anything you won't like," the elder man assured before biting his smile that was curving his lips.

"What are you even curious about?" Porchay asked, narrowing his eyes at the mischief he noticed in his man's eyes.

"About kissing you?" Kim responded, tilting his head with a smirk.

"Just that?" Porchay asked, only half relieved.

"Hmm," the elder man nodded, dropping the act.

"So why were you dragging me to the bedroom like a caveman?" Porchay asked, jokingly punching Kim's shoulder and blushing when that made the other man smirked.

Taking pity on him, Kim informed his reasoning. "You have gotten taller and I don't want us to have neck pain. The sofa isn't big enough, the bed would be more comfortable."

"You enjoy seeing how others misinterpret your silence and actions, don't you?" Porchay accused, pouting when his man laughed.

For a few minutes, they stood there in silence, looking at each other with smiles on their lips and fondness in their eyes. But then Porchay cleared his throat and blushed as he awkwardly muttered. "So, hmm, lead the way, P'Kim."

Like a man on a mission, Kim once again got hold of his hand and dragged him to his room before shutting the door behind them with a bang.

* * *

A/N:- So that was KimChay's reunion and getting back together... 🎉

Did you like the chapter? Hopefully, it is worth the wait... :)

I wanted this conversation between them to be intense and complete and everything that readers would want from this story! I don't know if I was able to achieve that, so let me know your thoughts... :)

I am also late because I wasn't planning on writing an epilogue, but Porsche insisted on letting me and you all know his thoughts on KimChay, so I had to write that along with this chapter. So, as soon as he is done, coming up next is the epilogue! ;)

Thank you for reading and liking the story so far. I would love to know your thoughts and feelings on this chapter and anything you want to share...

Thank you! <3

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