With only the sounds of the ocean waves to keep me company, I sat there for a while after Siddharth left. His confession had left me reeling. It was only when the breeze picked up again that I realized my cheeks were wet. I wiped away my tears and got up.  

I found Sarah near the washrooms and one look at my face and she was running my way. 

"What happened? Are you okay?" she asked frantically.

"Hey, I am gonna head back to the hotel now if that is okay?" I said. 

"Meera you are scaring me."

"It's nothing."

"Alright we are heading back then," she said.

She got her phone out and gave Matt a quick call. He met us near the entrance and we took a cab back. Sarah let everyone know that we were heading back. She waited until we were in my hotel room which was mercifully empty because Vahni wasn't back yet. She was probably with Angad right now but I was trying not to think about that.

"Spill," she said. 

"Siddharth confessed." 

Sarah blinked, "To you? That he likes you? Tonight?" 

"Well, I didn't let him get to it but yes."

I related what had passed outside the club. She listened in silence. Then when I was done she said,

"I am not surprised, to be honest." 

I stared at her in disbelief. 

"Was I the only one who was blindsided by this? Yug said something like that too."

"Meera come on. You are talented, gorgeous and nice. It was only inevitable," she said and then interrupted me when I opened my mouth to protest against her statement, "No, you would've seen this coming if you weren't so preoccupied with someone else." 

I looked at her quizzically and she rolled her eyes,

"Angad duh. It is obvious you two like each other to anyone with half a brain cell."

I shook my head,

"That boat has sailed, I am afraid. I messed up." 

"No it hasn't!" she protested.

"Sarah, he is out in the club probably drunk kissing Vahni as we speak." 

"And how do you know that?" she asked.

"Because I saw them together. And Vahni has had her sights on him since we saw them perform on the first day of college. Angad probably welcomes it." 

"Why do you think that is true? That man has spent the entire year either chasing after you or beside you."

I frowned.

"That isn't entirely true and the issue at hand is Siddharth. What do I do now?" I ran a hand through my hair, "I feel terrible about how everything turned out. I love Siddharth as my friend. He has become one of the most important people in my life."

Sarah hummed and patted my shoulder sympathetically. 

"He is in his room right now I think," I stood up, "Should I go and talk to him now?" 

"And say what?" she asked and I was stumped. 

What could I say to him?

"I think everything that needed to be said has been said," Sarah said, "You told him you don't feel the same way right? You'd be rubbing salt in his wounds at this point."

"But..." 

"I know you feel like you've done something wrong but this is for the best. Leading somebody on is never good." 

I sighed. Sarah was right about that. I guess this was for the best. Us clearing it out once and for all. I had never even entertained the possibility of Siddharth liking me as anything more than a friend but here we were. 

The sadness I felt was equally for hurting my friend as it was for the simple fact that I knew things would never be the same between us. 

How can two people go back from that? They can't. 

A tiny irrational part of me was angry at Siddharth for jeopardising our relationship this way but I knew that was just me lashing out. Nobody can help their feelings. Falling for somebody is unpredictable, unreasonable and spontaneous. 

Just like all my plans to stay unattached and drama-free had gone awry because of a certain dark-haired, honey-voiced individual. 

Another problem that cropped up was the trip. We had so many things planned together. How would we spend the rest of the trip together? 

"Oh no," I buried my head in my hands. 

"What?" Sarah asked.

"I am leaving with you guys the day after tomorrow. There is no way we can spend the rest of the trip pretending like nothing is wrong."

"Shut up." Sarah said, "You are going to have to spend time with him even if you avoid him now. Stop chickening out. What happened to the Meera that wanted to go talk to him a few seconds ago?"

I flopped on my bed and sighed. 

"I guess." 

"Are you going to tell anyone else?" she asked.

"I don't think so," I said after a pause, "You should go to your room. Matt must be waiting for you." 

She got up hugged me one last time and left. 

I changed out of my dress and took off my make-up. I was in bed scrolling through my phone when I heard muffled footsteps and faint scuffling outside. I slid down and pretended to sleep as Vahni stumbled into our room. 

She took off her shoes to be quieter, presumably. 

I was in no mood to talk or hear about her Angad escapades tonight. My only consolation was that she was here, in our room, as opposed to Angad's. 

***

The morning after we were going sightseeing. I was up earlier than everyone else. I texted in the group chat and nobody replied so I went downstairs by myself to get some breakfast. 

It was soothing to be out on the deck with a plate full of buttered toast and some coffee. I ate in silence enjoying the view and the weather till I felt someone settle down next to me. 

It was Angad. 

He was holding a cup of coffee in his hand as well and he gave me one of his gorgeous smiles. I couldn't help but smile back at him. 

"Good morning," he said.

"Good morning? It's almost noon now." I laughed showing him the time. 

"We made it to the breakfast bar though." 

I was dying to know if he had made any headway with Vahni but how could I ask him? I shoved that thought back into my brain. 

"Where did you disappear off to last night? I don't think I saw you after we stepped foot in the club."

"Yeah, I was dancing, then I took a walk on the beach and then I left with Sarah and Matt," I said vaguely. 

"Why?"

"I was just tired," I stretched a little, "It's not like you guys missed me or anything. You seemed to be having fun." 

I was hoping that sounded as nonchalant as it did in my head.

"It was pretty fun. Vahni got very drunk yesterday," he said grinning, "Nothing I haven't handled before." 

I got up abruptly and snatched my plate up. There it was, the confirmation. I didn't want to hear any further. 

"Yeah, she is crazy," I said and walked inside to get a second cup of coffee. Angad followed right behind me. 

"You should have seen her. At one point she got up on the bar to start dancing. We were almost kicked out for that." he went on, clearly not realizing I wasn't as invested in their shenanigans. 

"Damn," I said, "Should we call the others? It is pretty late now. They should get up if they want to see all the places we plan to," I added, desperate to change the subject.

"Yug is up, I think. I don't know about the rest of them," he said. 

Eventually, everybody but Siddharth, the person I was most dreading to see, came downstairs. Yug, our vacation planner, was furiously calling and texting him, demanding he come down and join us. 

"He is probably tired and sleeping, let it go," Angad said.

"Guys we have come here on this trip as a group and it won't work this way!" Yug declared, "Yesterday these two ditched us," he said pointing at Shreyas and Deepani who didn't look the least bit bothered by the accusation, "And then you guys decided to skip out on us," he said looking at the three of us.

"I think we should go now. He wasn't feeling well last night too," I supplied hoping we could move past this. 

I was feeling guiltier by the minute. Had I managed to wreck their trip? Surely I wasn't solely to blame for this? I just hoped they would understand in case it came out.

I finally managed to shake that feeling away once faced with the beautiful Dudh Sagar waterfall. 

The trek to the destination was so much fun. We travelled through the lush green forests and crossed rivers to get to absolute serenity. I could not tear my eyes from the picturesque scenery around me as we trekked the last stretch before getting to the waterfall itself. 

My foot got caught in a stray root and I stumbled. Angad grabbed my arm quickly to steady me and I smiled at him gratefully. I was briefly reminded of a similar situation last night when Siddharth had caught me before I fell. I tried hard to shove that thought from my brain and focused on the waterfall itself. I seemed to be doing that a lot today. 

I was in awe of the natural beauty. We clicked a bunch of photographs and dipped our toes in the pool of water. 

"Oh my God! There are fishes in here!" Vahni exclaimed. 

We rushed to see the small pool of water with a school of fish. I was surprised to see big fish in a waterbody so frequented by tourists and travellers. 

It was almost evening by the time we returned to the entrance for Dudhsagar. We had spent most of the day there but it was so worth it. If it were up to me I would have spent the whole day there. Alas, we had to leave.

Our next pit stop was the Basilica of Bom Jesus. It was late so we didn't get to see the guided tour but the church itself was a sight to behold. The high ceilings. Everyone was reverent as we approached the pews. We kneeled down and prayed. It was strangely intimate despite the number of people around us. 

After that, we looked spent some time browsing the local markets nearby. I bought a couple of souvenirs. I found a blue bracelet that seemed perfect for Smriti and felt a pang of guilt. We hadn't spoken in days now. 

I bought the bracelet anyway and moved on. This fight wouldn't last forever I was sure. Smriti was too good a friend to be lost like that. 

***

We were wiped out by the time everyone was done shopping. We decided to get dinner at the restaurant near our hotel so we could just walk back and sleep the day off. 

As we walked past the entrance of our hotel, Yug spotted Siddharth emerging out of the gates all by himself. He yelled his name to get his attention. I froze up, not sure how he would react or how I should act. 

Should I act like yesterday hadn't happened? 

"What are you doing? We are going to get dinner. Come on." 

Siddharth shook his head. 

"I am not hungry. I am just getting a drink for myself. You guys go ahead." he said. 

He didn't meet my eye. 

"Get a drink with us. I am sure they have beers everywhere." 

Siddharth waved us off and walked away. Even Yug knew not to push him after that.

"What is with him?" he asked frustratedly. 

I looked away feeling the guilt creeping up. I should tell Yug about what happened at least. He deserved an explanation I am sure. It was their tradition, after all. Coming to Goa and spending time together. 

That is exactly what I did. I pulled him away from the group as inconspicuously as I could and briefed him. 

He seemed a little upset at first but then sighed.

"Poor guy," he murmured.

"I am sorry if I ruined the trip. I know this is your thing but I didn't think he would-" I said biting my lip nervously.

"Hey, hey, Elvis," he interrupted, "Relax, it isn't your fault. We are all adults here. He made his choice and you told him how you felt. I am glad it's out of the way now." 

I nodded gratefully. Some of the guilt and worry I had felt earlier alleviated at that. 

I looked ahead to see Vahni slapping Angad's arm playfully as she giggled at something she said. 

"I told you though. I told you he liked you. I hope you believe that I am very observant and mostly right about everything." he said.

"Yeah," I said distractedly. 

Angad and Vahni seemed to get cosier still. 

"It's your turn now," he said.

"My turn?" I asked.

"You have been burning a hole in Angad's head this whole time. Come on! Just tell him how you feel already," he said. 

I stared at him and looked away.

"I told you," I sighed, "Too many fuck ups way too early. Besides, it's too late now. You see that right?" I said and tilted my head in their direction where Vahni was chattering away.

"What? You mean your friend and Angad?" he asked.

"They spent the whole night together at the club. Angad told me about it." 

"Meera, Angad spent the whole night with me. We were trying to get Vahni to calm down. She drank a little too much and went on a little trip. We were almost kicked out because of her. I mean I know she is your friend but damn, she is a handful. You guys left us to deal with her antics and we had a hard time convincing her to get back to the hotel. Now that I know why you left I can almost forgive you for abandoning us but never again."

"Oh..." I said nodding slowly and digesting this new piece of information. 

Angad had failed to mention Yug's presence when he was telling me of it. I guess I hadn't given him much of a chance to do that. 

"Yeah. Oh." Yug said pointedly. 

We were being seated at the restaurant now so the conversation came to a natural end. I looked up from my plate and met Angad's eye. 

I guess it wasn't a hopeless quest after all.