Ch. 25

For the rest of the week, Tom and I are pretty careful at school. Not that we've been put off one another by the stupid baseball players, just we've had time after school to be with each other a little bit. Since we had to ride our bikes and go for hikes during the day, Tom and I have gone out after school. He still has to be back relatively early, but we take our bikes and go hang out together. Just at the park near our school, but enough so that we can talk and kiss in private.

There's nothing better than the feeling of his lips on me, his hands on me. But the uncertainty of where we're going scares the crap out of me. I love that we are in a relationship, that's not a mistake, but the fact that there's an expiration date looming over us is hard. I don't want to mess things up, but I'm an over thinker, a planner, and a safety kind of guy. Coming out to be with Tom was the biggest risk I'd ever taken, and even then, it took me months even when I knew he wanted me.

On Saturday morning I wake early and excited. Today Tom is going to meet my mom and Paul, plus he and I are actually going to have a real date. I'm not too sure what movie we're going to watch, but the whole prospect of us going out together is just that much more real when we are going to be in public. Although the baseball guys at school were jerks, there really hasn't been any more problems. I mean sometimes we get looks but more often than not, people ignore us.

Much to my mom's delight, I spend the morning getting ready. It sucks to be just this anxious. I've probably put on deodorant three different times and I'm still fucking sweaty. It's like the commercial is mocking me with the "keeps you dry" promise, because I'm like a puddle of wetness. Honestly, I feel pretty pathetic. I've brushed and combed and styled my hair enough that I'm frustrated with it, and I've probably changed my shirt three times. I fucking give up. Tom already likes me and I'm sure he'll know I tried.

When it's time to meet Tom at the movies, my mom drops me off at the mall. She's going to Paul's then we'll all get together at dinner. I had her drop me near the theatre, but not right at it because I want to walk a little to help settle my nerves. I'm not even sure why I'm nervous. I guess just because this is an official thing. We're going to be together, in public, where anyone can see. And I don't want anything bad to happen like with the assholes from the hallway at school. I know what happened wasn't much, and in reality, it's far less than what could have happened, but it's still unnerving.

"Hey!" There's a hand on my shoulder and I turn. "I tried calling your name, but you were completely lost in thought." Tom gives me a smile and I grin back, seriously relieved that he's here and that I will have him to distract me from myself.

"Hi Tom. Sorry." I slip my hand into his and we walk together to the theatre. "I'll pay for our tickets if you can get the food. Is that okay?"

After looking over our options, we end up choosing an action movie. Seeing as it's a matinee, the theatre isn't too busy, so we don't have to wait too long at the concessions. The smell of warm popcorn is making me salivate, since I didn't eat early due to nerves. Maybe I should pay for the food, too, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to devour it. My stomach makes a large growl and Tom laughs.

"Hungry, 95?" Tom leans closer and whispers in my ear, "Me too, just not for food." Shivers run down my spine and my face flushes with heat. He pulls away, then says normally, "Get what you want, my treat."

The guy at the stand serving us is from our school. 'Nick' according to his name tag. He smiles and is polite as ever, and even gives us a knowing smile. The idea of us not even making him flinch, and I am thrilled.

After we've chosen seats and the lights darken, I am hyper aware of Tom's every movement. Every part of me is aware when he shifts in his seat, when his hand takes mine, rubbing circles on the back with his thumb, and all my nerve endings beg for something more. Fuck this. I turn towards him and nuzzle his neck slightly, just giving some light kisses, and I know I'm having an affect on him.

Although we've done a lot of kissing this past week, we haven't progressed much beyond that, but when I start on his neck, it's obvious we both want more. I don't even notice the explosions on screen because of the explosions I want to feel somewhere else. But it's far too fast for me and far too soon. I pull back, panting, lips swollen, cheeks flushed, and Tom looks unsurprisingly similar.

"Maybe we'd better give it a rest for now," he whispers in my ear. "We do have to have dinner with your mom, and I don't want to have a wet mark on my pants."

I am mortified he could just out and say something like that, but I can't deny I am in a similar state of arousal, so I just nod and go back to holding his hand. After making a slight adjustment, of course, and he does the same.

By the time the movie is done, both of us are able to stand without any problems, so we leave the theatre and I call my mom from a payphone to come and get us. Then we sit on a retaining wall outside, holding hands, waiting.

"Uhh, what was the movie about, again, just in case she asks?"

"Hmmm, I'm not really sure," Tom responds with a smirk. "Did I really get that much of your attention, Justin?"

"You know you did," and I smile back, leaning in to give him a peck on the cheek. I'm rudely interrupted by a car horn, and feel totally embarrassed.

..........................................

Dinner goes well. It seems that Paul and Tom hit it off talking about some sports scandal, something I know nothing about, but they get along, so it's fine. By the end of the meal, Paul's offering to get Tom a job at his factory, too. If both of us worked there, it would be great. We'd both get some money for school, and we'd see each other every day. The only hitch comes when mom asks about school.

"So, Tom. Justin tells me you've already been accepted into university and it's all paid for."

"Yep, I'm planning on studying social work."

"Where are you going?"

"Actually, I'm not saying."

"Why not?"

"I don't want Justin picking his school based on where I'm going."

My mother gives him a confused look. "But you like him, don't you?"

"Of course I do, but I want him picking the school that's best for him, not because I'm going to a school. We're only in high school and have been together for a couple of weeks. I wouldn't want his whole future dictated by a high school romance, you know?"

I'm furious. And hurt. And embarrassed. He's just basically written off our relationship before it's even started. I came out for him for fuck's sake and he's already planning on dumping me? I can feel tears welling up and my stomach wants to send my dinner back. I want to flee the table but I'm frozen. I hate this. What's the fucking point?

And what's worse is my mom agrees. "That's so great, Tom. My life was totally decided from a relationship in high school, so I totally understand what you're saying."

And that's it. I'm done.

I bolt from the table and get the fuck out. It's only a forty-five minute walk home, although I'm not sure I want to go there, since I'm such a big fucking mistake. I was never good enough for my biological dad to stick around, hell, he used me as an ashtray. My mom's just admitted, to my boyfriend, that my dad and I ruined her life. And now Tom's already planning on dumping me because me taking a chance on our relationship and wanting it to last is a big fucking mistake.

My eyes are like freaking faucets now, and I'm sure my nose is too. I'm such a blubbering mess, I can't even walk straight. I hate crying. I hate being a piece of crap that no one really wants.

"95, would you wait the fuck up?" Tom grabs my shoulder and pulls me into an embrace. "What's your problem?"

"You and my mom, bonding over the fact I'm the biggest fucking mistake in your lives."

"I never said that, and neither did she. For someone so smart, you're being completely stupid here." He holds me tighter as I struggle to escape.

"What am I to you? Someone to experiment on before you go away to meet real guys at school?"

"No, it's not like that at all. I want you to go to a school for you, not for me. I want you to find out in a week or so that we're going to the same one so we can be together. If not, then we can work on a long distance thing. I just don't want you resenting me in a few years if the program wasn't exactly what you'd hoped, but you picked the school because of me. I want nothing more than to be your boyfriend and hopefully your roommate, too, but I want you to be happy and not compromise." His voice is full of hurt, but I'm still not placated.

"I came out for you. I risked everything. Don't you think it should be up to me if I choose to go to the same school as you?"

"No." Tom sniffles a little before continuing. "Look both of us have had shitty experiences. You know that. And we both have issues. Your response is to hold back on everything, to weigh every risk, and not to take a chance until you're completely certain things will go in your favour. My response is to try and hold people off, prepare for the worse because that's all that ever happens. Maybe if we're both lucky, things for school will work out. But I have to prepare for the worst. And the worst is you pick a school based on me and it kills us or we go to different schools and it kills us. I obviously fucking care about you. I fucking waited months for you to finally man up, and I'm so emotionally invested, it hurts. I'm scared. The last people who supposedly loved me scarred me for life. You know what that's like. Surely you have to see my side of this?"

"I'm sorry, Tom," I mumble as I think about what he's said.

"Look. At least your mom loves you. You might have been an accident, but she stuck around and chose you. In my case, I'm the fucking mistake they tortured and chose to discard like a piece of trash. So don't think your mom and I don't want you."

"I'm sorry, Tom, you aren't a piece of trash. You're just amazing, and you should know that." I kiss his cheek, tasting his salty tears.

"And that right there is how I became too involved, and how you're going to break me if you resent me about school. You give me that adoring look, like I'm special or important, and it melts me every time. I can't stand to have that replaced by anger or hatred." His icy blue eyes blink and his dark lashes sweep over his cheek.

Now it's my turn to melt. He's so fucking beautiful.