Ch. 4

I knew there was no way I was getting the money. Mom was even surprised I asked.

"I thought you said that the program was covered. I wouldn't have signed the sheets if you needed extra cash. We're a little tight right now." She adjusted the straps of her glittery bra top, plumping up her chest. I averted my eyes, trying not to be completely disgusted, but it's pretty hard when you know your mom is getting ready to be a booty call. "Don't you have any of your savings you could use?"

"I do, but I need a lift to the bank." I don't really have too much cash, since I got laid off in the fall—I'd been way too busy with my classes to get another job.

"I don't have time for this. If it's really that important to you, just use the one at the Gifts and Smokes." She checks her phone, pulls on a faux fur jacket, then grabs her purse (a purse which I know has more than $20 in it—she just doesn't want to cut into her bar money). "I'm going to meet up with Paul. Don't wait up." In a cloud of knock-off perfume, my mom is out the door.

Well shit. There's no way I'm paying the five dollar fee to withdraw a twenty so I know I'm pulling gardening shifts to work off the boots. At least $20 is an awesome deal, but I really do need to get another job. For the past few years I worked at a failing grocery store around the corner, but then it really failed and I was out of a job. In the fall I had so much homework (and no computer, so I spent hours at the library) that a job would have really destroyed my average, so I did without. It's not like I wasn't used to doing without.

................

"Okay class, this is the table of boots you guys can choose from," a rugged looking sales clerk in the latest in casual outdoors gear tells us. We are at a huge outdoors store, far better than the local surplus store I had gotten my stuff at before. This is a place the rich people shopped—the campers who had the coolest gear and the latest gadgets. At the store entrance there's a plaque proclaiming they're a community-school partner, and I guess that's why we're here.

"Look, twenty dollars for a pair of socks," Jose pointed out to me. Sure enough, there is a display of fancy woollen socks by the table of boots that are crazy expensive, but ridiculously nice. God, I could go crazy shopping in here, you know, if I actually had any money.

I turned my attention back to the sales clerk who was explaining about the soles of the boots and proper fit. "Make sure once you have both boots on, you walk over the terrain tester," he points to a little pathway built into the store floor. It is made up of rocks and simulated tree roots. "Okay kids find your boots." I flinch when he says kids, knowing that most of us haven't been kids in a long time.

The table is swarmed by our class. Eyeing a few different pairs of boots that I know are usually almost $200, I head over. There isn't a full range of any boots because these are the ones that are discontinued, but I don't care, they're new and completely awesome. I reach across to snag a pair in size eleven and instead of the leather of the boot I get Tom's hand instead.

I'm frozen for a second as a spark flows from my hand to the pit of my stomach causing it to flip. He and I lock eyes and I blush, tearing my hand away. "Sorry," I mumble. He quickly grabs the boots and stalks off to a bench.

What just happened? I take a different pair of boots to try on and try to calm down. For safety's sake I go and sit next to Andi and Jen who are complaining about how heavy the boots are. "It's like wearing a brick," Jen moans.

"And they aren't very cute," Andi says, her leg outstretched examining the boot on her foot. "Do you think they look cute?" she asks me.

Why does she want to know? Did she see what just happened with Tom? My eyes go wide and Jen sees my discomfort, touching my arm. "Relax, Justin. It's not like she's asking you to marry her. Just say they look cute."

I shrug her off, "There's nothing cuter than a girl in outdoorsy stuff." I give Andi the answer she's looking for, so she jumps to her feet, prancing around the room. Sure enough, a few of the other guys are admiring her cheerleader form in her yoga pants and boots. Sadly it does nothing for me, but I wish it did.

....................

On the bus back to school I spend my time staring out the window while listening to Liv, Nicole, Jen and Faith in the seats behind me. I'm wearing earbuds, but they aren't attached to anything, it's just a good way to avoid conversation.

"I know I have Jeff, but who would you rather, Kyle or Kent?" Liv asks, in a giggly voice.

"I don't know, I mean Kyle has the better body, but Kent is really hot, with his blond hair and sexy grin." Nicole answers.

"Yeah, but if we keep training every day, all the guys will end up with hot bodies," Jen points out. "Besides, Kyle did 'roids. Doesn't that shrink your package?" She snickers. "Not that I'm thinking about his package or anything."

Faith says thoughtfully, "I don't think he did enough for that to happen, but neither of them are my type. What about Tom or 95?"

"Tom's got gorgeous eyes, but he's a huge asshole. Besides, he's made it pretty obvious he hates everyone," Nicole responds.

"What about 95?" Liv presses.

"He's cute enough, decent skin, nice eyes, wavy brown hair, but he's just too quiet," Nicole says.

"He's a man of mystery," Faith offers.

"I think maybe we're not Justin's type." Jen says. My heart is pounding and fear courses through me, I've tried so hard to keep anything like that hidden.

"Whatever. I think he's just shy and a bit out of his element," Liv says, and they move on to some of the younger guys in the class.

While I'm glad that Jen's suggestion is discarded, it hurts me that she's totally correct. I'm gay. I've known I'm gay for quite awhile now, like six years. In grade seven when the guys seriously started taking interest in the girls in our class, I just didn't. Instead I imagined what it would be like to kiss them. It's one of the reasons why I quit Scouts, why I avoid making close friends, and why I really want to get away from here. I'm not too sure what my mom would do if she found out, but I know some of the guys she's dated have had very strong beliefs about "queers and fags" as they so eloquently put it. I hate the fact that I can't just be myself, I want nothing more than a relationship, a closeness with someone special, I just want to be comfortable. I have the ability to give love and want to be held by someone who cares.

There are a few guys who are out in our school and a few more who are strongly suspected of being gay, but until now, I didn't think I was one of them and it's scary. I don't think I look gay, whatever that means, I mean I don't have overly feminine features or gestures, I'm just me. It's not fair. No one goes around saying 'Oh, I think they're straight.' and giggling about it, but as soon as people think you're gay it spreads like wildfire.

It's kind of a double edged sword. I mean I want a relationship, but I don't want everyone to look at me differently. I don't want people to pay attention, yet I want a boyfriend. Something's got to give because unless I man up and put myself out there, I'll never meet anyone.

I consider all this during lunch, talk swirling around me, but I'm not really paying attention to anyone. I just wish I could go back to being invisible.

........................

Sadly that's not the case.

"Okay, seniors," Ms. Sway addresses us after lunch. "We need you all to head to the library to start and plan out the plants for the greenhouse. You have an hour to work today and tomorrow, but the order has to go in on Friday morning. If you aren't done by Thursday, you'll need to meet up outside of class to finish."

"You're expected back here for hike time in one hour," Mr. Sway confirms. "Move people!"

Most of our time in the library is spent arguing over what type of plants to sell and whether to get seedings or seeds. Correction, Jen, Nicole, and I argue about it. Kyle and Kent try to find stupid games to play that aren't blocked on the library computers, and Tom puts his feet up and leans back with his eyes closed. There's a sliver of his stomach showing where his dark grey shirt has pulled up, and a hint of a tattoo peeking out from beneath his sleeve. I purposely turn my chair away from him so that I'm not tempted to pay attention to him, but it's hard because he keeps making derisive comments and snorts at the conversation the girls and I are carrying on.

Finally, when our hour is almost up, Tom sits up with a bang, attracting the attention of the librarian and her scornful look. He rolls his eyes back at her, then turns to us.

"It's not that hard. Choose plants you know you can sell. Herbs produce all summer, tomatoes and peppers are popular vegetables, and when looking at flowers, pick something that will be close to flowering when we're selling them. Stuff that can be easily planted outside right away. Roses are too expensive and too much work. No bulbs, so no tulips or anything. Try impatiens and stuff like that. Easy." He shoots us a smug look, holding my eyes for a fraction longer than he should, then stands, walking out of the library.

I am flabbergasted. Tom's not just an asshole after all, and man he gets my heart pumping.