day 1995

dear sage,

this is the day that marks you 3 years missing. or it would have if you were still 'missing'.

this day also marks 5 days till i get fucking married.

jesus, i'm scared as hell. i'm scared for me, for freya, for the guys, for everyone.

i've been thinking the whole thing over and this year has moved rather fast. its all come rushing at me like a tsunami and i'm glued to the ground, gawping at the wave of water. i'm just waiting for it to hit.

and now it has, the fact i'm getting married has finally hit and all i want is a classic carter hug off you.

i want one of those "you'll do great!" comments you'd make.

i wish you'd just come back, just for one day, just for one moment.

just to see me, the guys, freya.

i just wish you could just come for the wedding and be done with it.

but as the great john green said,

"the world is not a wish granting factory,"

i wish it was though.

anyway, this is my last letter to you, because i believe the wedding will mark the start of something new.

thank you for everything sage,

i love you,

- joshua x