There is something in the air that makes me sad today. May be it's the gloomy weather, the dark clouds, the heavy rains or the thunder that disturbs my peace. May be it's the cold weather. The urge to get under the blankets to feel warm but the sad realisation that there is no one to hold me, to keep me warm. No one to pull up my blanket while I sleep shivering. Or may be it's just me. My head seems to be out of control. The urge to cry and get it all out is so bad that I can't keep myself calm. The constant memories that invade my thoughts doesn't help either. I wish I knew what reopened my scars, making me revisit my past, my memories that seems to haunt me still, keeping me in the loop, never letting me move on.

       I was not like this once. I used to be the bubbly girl adorning a smile always, lifting the spirits, making new friends, cool with strangers, loved by everyone with a whole lot of friends. But life happens. Time goes, life changes, you fall, you cry, you learn and you change. And that is what I did. I changed. Changed for the better or worse, I'm not sure. But I did change that I could not recognize myself, understand myself. I'm no more that girl. I'm silent, calm, reserved, smiles rarely, with a strong, confident appearance behind which is hidden the broken girl.

        Scared to cry because of the fear of hurting the ones that care. Scared to talk because she lost the trust. Scared to shout to keep her facade. Scared put her heart out as they may break it again. The naive little girl is struggling behind the strong and cold mask. Only if she had someone to catch her when she fell.

        It was easy to hide, the puffy eyes, tear stricken cheeks, the scratchy voice, the pain in her eyes and the broken heart. No one cared enough to see why she changed. Why the happy glowing girl turned into a shell. Her smiles were fake, laughters were hollow, words were sharp and eyes were lifeless. But no one seemed to know the difference. No one cared  enough to have a closer look. No one cared to see how her eyes never smiled while her lips did, how her faced was hard while she laughed for their sake, how her words were few and yet sharp to cut, how her eyes  were dead while she pretended to be fine.

              People leave and you change. That is what happens when they have the ability to crush you to dust. When they hold your trust but never valued it. Had to learn it the hard way that many had the strength to break my heart. From my best friend breaking my trust to my parents never noticing my agony everyone held that strength. And here I am alone and broken building myself up.

         Or may be it's just me. Me and my thoughts. Running in a circle. Never moving forward. The mistrust that pushes people away. That flicker of doubt that never lets anyone in. May be I am the cause of my pain. It's all in my head. It keeps me locked. I live in a prison in my head.

     They say that time heals the wounds. But the scars remain. Etched into you so deep that you will never be the same. And these scars bleed from time to time, reminding you your mistakes keeping you strong. But these reminders make it hard to move from the past.

         But I think the past is never forgotten, the wounds never heal completely. It always stays to remind you the mistakes before you make a new decision. I guess we just learn to look past the past but never really leave it behind and move on. Because even after all these years seeing their faces, hearing their names, the unavoidable chats with them, still hurts. Though the pain is vague, light, almost unperceivable but it's still their, A Reminder.

      But now I am here. I still live, I still laugh, I still talk, meet new people and I am happy. I hide no more, I am me, happy and proud.I have grown my wings back. Regained my strength my strength to break that prision. The hurt is still there but I live past it. Not hiding my wings. Flying so free. Because I am me. I am the girl who flew.