Note from Author: This is a first draft, unedited and still raw. 

Marxby Manor- January, 1916

Coming back to Marxby didn't feel like coming home instead it felt like I was coming to something else, as the weeks past and a dark cloud remained over the manor I realised what it was I felt.

Doom.

An inexplicable doom.

My husband was not the same man I had sent to war, every time I looked at him I saw the white feather pass from my hand and into his own it was the elephant between us.

The feather and what he had seen over there, it had marked him, I had marked him. I had barely thought of my husband since we had parted; I had not prayed he would come safe or worried for him at night. It wasn't Niall's fault, I always thought that he was a good man really he just wasn't mine and nor I his and my prayers they were reserved for those who really did hold my heart and soul in the hands.

As I thought about my past prayers I thought of Jimmy and quickly whispered another quiet prayer to myself. When Jimmy and Will were at war it was the only time in my life that I ever looked to something even remotely spiritual, because in my heart of hearts I just didn't believe. But there were these quiet moments, when it was just the universe and I and I wondered what would it hurt to send a wish or a prayer? What if it made a difference?.

These days I could hear Niall coming; he had been shot three times in his thigh and once in his calf and required a cane when he walked. I knew he was coming by the thud, thud, thud that followed his footsteps, today his limp was particularly bad and made worse by a cold December day.

The doctor in France had told him he had a good chance of making an almost full recovering in time, but almost was not something Niall understood, he always had to have everything.

We'd both changed it was fair to say, but Niall, Niall was different, in a way that was so coarse I knew it was coming from his very soul. I didn't have much trouble convincing him the baby was his; I learned quickly when I returned to the manor that Niall only wanted me back to warm his bed. When we were out of the bedroom, he wouldn't even look at me nor touch me, he had no interest in what so ever, only occasionally in anger.

I couldn't deny that I was happy to be back with Fay and we would laugh and giggle together until the early hours. He hated this; he hated laughter or joy of any kind, happiness was repellent to him now it seemed to almost burn him like acid.

"How can you laugh?" Niall cried one night while Fay and I lay on her bed laughing as she was telling me about our handsome new stable boy.

"Men are dying and bleeding but you laugh?" He cried.

I didn't know what to say, I just sat up slowly, my speed not being enough for my husband he dragged me by my arm off the bed and down the hallway.

"You are stupid Dolphina, selfish and spoilt; I don't know why I didn't see it sooner,"

His fingers dug into my arms and I cried out Fay ran after us but I motioned for her to stay where she was, that was the first night my husband beat me, it would not be the last.

~

Niall was not the only one who had changed Percy had changed too, when I returned she circled me like a viper faking happiness but I knew my sister, I knew her ways. Perhaps my sister hadn't changed that much after all she'd always been cold but why she didn't want me home was still a mystery to me and it stayed that way.

One thing I did know and that she made no attempt to hide was her loathing for my pregnancy, I had always known she'd had a childish crush on Niall but this seemed ridiculous. The way she looked and spoke to me was the same way she spoke to most people who crossed her path, but not me, never me; I had always been her sister.

~

It had become a habit of mine to stare out of the window on our second-floor landing it gave a perfect view of the gravel drive and the steps leading into the manor.

I never tried to hide it, I was waiting for Jimmy to come home, every day as I gazed out that window I pictured the same thing, his bright, peachy form striding up our drive and I knew no matter how pregnant I had got by then I would fly down the stairs and out the manor and right into his arms.

Sometimes Fay would come and stand with me and both of us would stand and watch the empty drive, waiting just waiting for our brother to appear. Being back together for Fay and I had been amazing but we could also feel the weight of it, the weight where our brother should be.

"We share the same soul we three," the words would come to me like a gentle whisper on the wind but when I turned around there was never anyone there just me standing alone at the window, even Fay would leave eventually and go back to her room.

I couldn't explain it, but one afternoon I was so sure that Jimmy was going to appear outside that window, that he was going to come home, that I just couldn't tear myself away. I stood and stood and stood, hours past and just like every day before he failed to appear.

I was about to walk away when there he was. My beautiful bright, shining brother was standing below, the window, he was smiling up at me, and he had come home. I felt a relieved sense of elation and desperation all mixed together making me so tightly wound that I thought I might burst with happiness.

"Fay," I cried.

"Fay!"

She didn't answer, so I ran as quick as could up the winding staircase and along the corridor to her room.

"For goodness sake, Fay hurry it's Jimmy he's home,"

As I approached Fay I noticed that she was lying flat on her bed her face buried into her pillows.

"Fay?" I said quieter.

It was only when I sat on the edge of her bed that I heard it, the screaming, Fay's head was buried in her pillows and she was screaming, screaming and crying and she just wouldn't stop, her face buried in the pillows only to mask the sound.

"Oh god, please Fay what is it?"

"You didn't feel it did you?" She sobbed rolling on one side just to look at me.

I frowned at her.

"It's Jimmy, I, I, I, oh Dolly, I felt him die," Fay sobbed.

I laughed at her.

"Fay don't be so silly, that's what I'm here to tell you, he's home, he's outside,"

Fay gaped at me, she wanted to believe me, I wanted to believe me, what had I seen under that window?

"Dolly, wait!" Fay cried after me as I ran from her room, down the stairs as I had always imagined myself doing to meet my brother.

I pushed the Marxby Manor's heavy, wide front doors open and I bounded onto our gravel driveway and just stared up at the window where I had been standing and waiting for him to come, come back to us. I stared all around me looking for the boy who had smiled up at me at the window but he was nowhere to be found, I was standing alone in front of the manor.

"Jimmy," I whispered and then I heard myself begin to scream like I was out of my body and the screaming belonged to someone else but deep down I knew it was my lungs that were crying out.

It was almost a primal scream, a scream of such anguish and such raw pain. Fay had felt him leave us and he had come to me to say goodbye, we shared a soul the three of us, until our brother was ripped from the world. When I really stopped and listened to the world I could feel it, the emptiness inside, there was only the two of us now and things would never be the same again, I would never be the same again.

My most beloved brother was gone and there was no bringing him back no amount wishes and prayers could do that.

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