She always knew how much Thomas Shelby cared about horses. She could remember the many hours they spent together, as Tommy taught her how to ride a horse perfectly; and, thanks to him, she finally did. Once she knew how to ride, they spent most of their afternoons on their horses, discussing sometimes, walking around in Small Heath, sometimes riding away from the village in the surrounding forests, letting their horses run fast. 

That was how happiness and freedom felt like. Now, she just wondered how many times it would take until she would see Tommy riding again. 

Luck seemed to be on her side as she exited the Garrison, a spittoon in her hands. As she tried to pour it cleanly, she lifted her head to see Thomas on a horse, and she poured it on herself. She cursed while looking at her wet shoes and dress, while Tommy scoffed slightly, making a stop in the large horse next to her. 

"This ain't fucking funny," Sully sighed as she giggled too, "it was a new dress," she moaned as she let her spitoon fall on the ground nicely, trying not to afraid the horse. 

"God, you and your clumsiness," Tommy sighed too, as Sully blushed a little, her cheeks turning pink. 

"My only best friend," she commented, walking to the animal in front of her. "Can I?" she asked shyly, raising her hand in the air so the animal could smell it. 

"Go ahead," Thomas said with a faint nod, as the woman laid her hand on the horse's muzzle. She smiled as the animal laid against her palm, black fur between her fingers. She caressed it nicely, shushing some compliments to the large beast. She smiled when he pushed her hand away only to put his forehead against it. 

"He likes you," Tommy stated, his eyes following their actions. 

"Of course, what do you think?" She laughed faintly, "All the sweet boys do." She giggled to herself, caressing the horse fur gently. They stayed silent for a moment, her eyes sparkling as she met the man's eyes on her. 

"What's his name?" she asked with a rose eyebrow, and Thomas shook his head.

"Doesn't have a name," he replied. Sully frowned.

"What are you waiting for give him one, old man?" she demanded with a faint snort, making Thomas roll his eyes. "You're taking him to the races, yeah?" she asked with a wide smile. 

"That's right," he answered, then he cleared his throat. "Will you come with me?" Sullivan snapped her head up at him, incomprehension readable on her face. 

"With you? To the races?" she repeated, disbelieved. As Tommy nodded at her, she shrugged her shoulders. "Alright, what should I wear?" 

"Red," he answered quickly. Sully nodded, and Thomas frowned. "Anything else?" 

"Yeah, well Grace wants you to allow her to sing," she said while clapping her hands together. "I know you don't like that, but it'll be a good thing, and maybe I could sing too," she explained. 

"Why isn't she asking?" Tommy furrowed his brows, curiosity flashing in his blue eyes. 

"She finally took a day off," Sully scoffed, "and Harry's too afraid." Tommy snorted, his eyes staring at hers. 

"And of course, you're not," he stated with a slight laugh.

"Jeez, of course not," she giggled. "Please, allow her," she pleaded. Thomas nodded with a side-smile, knowing that nothing could resist her. "All in red, I got it," she then smiled and grabbed back her spittoon, letting go of him. She stepped back into the pub, smiling to herself. Maybe they would figure everything out, finally. 

The rest of the week came by with Sully working hard at the Garrison, seeing Thomas only for a whiskey and sometimes a hello. She saw Arthur whom of which walked her home every evening to check on her safety. Of course, nobody broke in her house again, but she was glad Arthur was with her each time, just in case. 

One night, as Sullivan and Grace were closing the pub, Sully turned to the other woman. 

"You can leave, Grace," the woman smiled kindly. 

"Are you sure?" Grace asked with a yawn; 

"Yeah, it's almost done anyway," Sully assured, putting down a glass she was cleaning. She enjoyed the silence around her, appreciating the time she had alone. It was better for thinking than to be with another woman, mostly with Grace. As much as she hated this about the barmaid, Sully had to admit that Grace was a very observant woman, always watching her carefully. As she thought about it deeper, the front door of the pub went open, making her jump and let go of the glass she was holding, which broke on the ground in multiple pieces. 

"Fuck," she groaned, "we're closed, even for you," she barked as she watched Tommy walking to the counter. 

"Just pour me a drink," he stated, putting both his hands on the clean counter. 

"You're making me do extra hours, and now you're not even saying a 'please'?" she asked with a deep sigh, avoiding the broken glass on the ground and gave him a bottle of whiskey. He mumbled a thank you as she reached for the pieces of broken glass on the ground, trying not to cut her hands in the process. She threw them in the trash, lifting her eyes on Tommy's frame sat at a table, lighting up a cigarette. 

"What are you even doing here?" Thomas shrugged, dragging on his cigarette thoughtfully. 

"Company," he finally answered. "I'm here for company." The woman sighed and walked to the chair in front of him, bringing two glasses with her. 

"You could at least excuse yourself for the glass I broke," she teased, reaching for a cigarette in his pack. He lighted a match for her to light her cigarette, as she leaned forward for it. 

"It isn't my fault," he replied as he poured the alcohol in the glasses. Sully scoffed, widening her eyes.

"Of course it is, if you weren't there this glass wouldn't be broken now," she replied, standing up to take an ashtray. She grabbed it behind the bar and walked back to the table. 

"At least I'm glad you didn't cut your hands," Sully rolled her eyes while Thomas snorted, making the ashes of her cigarette fall in the ashtray. They stared at each other for a moment, smocking their cigarettes and drinking their whiskey silently. Thomas looked around him and frowned, breaking the comfortable silence between them. 

"Where are your colleagues?" he demanded, as Sully took a last drag on her cigarette, letting it die in the ashtray.

"I sent them home," she answered, her eyes on her dying cigarette. "I didn't need them anyway."

"You don't need anyone," he commented, making her shrug her shoulders slightly. She cleared her throat and replaces a strand of her blond hear behind her ear. 

"What about the luckiest horse ever?" she asked innocently, sipping on her whiskey. Tommy sighed loudly, meeting her gaze again. 

"Lucky?" he scoffed, cocking his head to the side, "I just killed him, so I don't know if he was so lucky." Sully grabbed his hand on the table and smiled sadly. 

"I'm sorry, Tom," she whispered. "I know how much you love your horses." He nodded slightly and looked at her. 

"You know, in France, I got used to seeing men die. Never got used to see horses die. They die badly." Sully removed her hand from his, wanting to turn the subject on something funnier.

"Remember when you taught me how to ride horses?" Thomas nodded his head, and a small smile formed on Sully's lips as they lost themselves in their memories. Sullivan was thinking about the good old times, when one of Tommy's sentence flashed in her mind. 

"That's not true," she whispered for herself at first, but then repeated it louder, "that's not true." Thomas frowned and motioned for her to carry on. "I needed you." 

"Because now you don't need me anymore," he stated. "That's why I said it." Sully shook her head vigorously, her eyes turning glossy as she stared away from him, afraid of crying if she let her eyes meet his.

"I'm sorry, but that's not true either," she replied. "Perhaps you don't need me the same you did before the War, but it didn't change in me." Tommy cleared his throat and drank his whiskey straight, then looked at her with many emotions in his eyes.

"It didn't change," he stated. "It's just... Fucking hell, I'm not the same person, Sully. I'm broken." Sully scoffed and rolled her eyes faintly.

"So am I!" she exclaimed. "It's not the same type of trauma but-" 

'You don't know what you're talking about," Tommy cut off, his eyes cold as ice.

"So tell me!" she screamed, making him jump a little. "If we want to make things straight, we will have to tell things to one another," she whispered. 

"I don't owe you a bloody thing," Tommy growled, his eyes looking above her head. 

"Alright, fair enough," she replied, both her hands in front of herself. "You want the truth?" Tommy sighed but nodded. Sully exhaled deeply and looked at him, leaning backward in her chair.  

"I loved the old you, the man who spent all this time laughing, who was always smiling in every situation. I loved the man who fell in love with every horse he used to see, I loved the one who taught me how to ride, how to prepare a good cocktail right behind this counter," she said as she motioned for the bar behind them, tears falling on her cheeks. "I loved the man who found my favorite job ever in this town, I loved the man I used to call out with ridiculous nicknames. I loved the man who used to slam an arm around my shoulders, spending death glares around the men around me, the man that held me tight when I was sad or afraid of something." She sobbed at the end of her enumeration, trying to calm her emotions down. She was beautiful even when she was crying, he had to notice. "Oh my God, how much I loved you," she sighed, calming herself down. She took a moment to catch her breath back, wiping her tears with anger against herself mostly. 

"But, I have to say," she whispered as she stared at him. "I don't think that just because you're broken now, I'll stop loving you. You can ask Arthur if you want, even Polly, she know that I waited, how many nights I spent praying for you and your brothers, hoping that I'll see your face again, your smile again. I didn't even know how I could wait that much until I saw you at the train station. I saw it in your eyes, the emptiness, the sadness, the way you didn't want to hold me. But however, when I saw, I promised myself that I will be there for you, even if you didn't want me back. I promised myself that I'll help you, you or your brothers, but especially you." She smiled to herself, as Tommy watched her intensely. 

"I don't know what to say," he whispered. They stayed silent for a moment, Sullivan regretting her words as the lack of answer, and Tommy trying to find his. 

"I want you to be safe," he started, his eyes settled on the glass in front of him. "I know you won't be with me. I'm not the old Thomas, I don't know if I'm still able to love you the way I used to. All I know is that when I was there, in the trenches, I was thinking about your face to escape the surrounding hell, I looked for it in the stars, and I thought about you a lot. But when I came back, I didn't see the change instantly, because you were hiding it perfectly, while I couldn't." 

"I didn't change that much," she mumbled. 

"Who are you kidding, Sully?" Tommy exclaimed, his hand slamming on the wooden table.

"Don't you dare breaking my table!" she ordered with a finger pointed at him, smiling widely at the action. 

"You changed, you're not singing no more, you're laughing but not with your eyes except when you're with us Shelbys, you're always watching behind you, and you're careful about us, more about us than about you. You're not sleeping, you're drinking, and you're always working," he enumerated, his eyes daring her to fight him. 

"I'm a workaholic, what can I do about it?" she sighed, shrugging her shoulders. Tommy rolled his eyes, not amused at all by her words. "I've always been careful about you Shelbys, that won't change. And I can't help keeping an eye on you, that's how I work." Thomas inhaled, watching her expression change to a happier one. 

"Sometimes you need to watch yourself too," he adviced, as she ran a hand through her hair nervously. She scrunched her face a little as she tried to hold back more tears. Enough sadness for tonight, she thought. 

"I don't want to watch myself if I can't watch yourselves. I didn't know what it was like to have a family, without even speaking about a lover," she explained. "Now that I have one, I don't want to lose it." 

"And you won't," he answered while leaning forward as if he would touch her face like before, but he stopped himself before doing it. She nodded her head, but wasn't convinced, he could see it in her eyes. 

"I'm not going to let you down, whatever you're trying to tell me," she announced, taking her glass in her hands just to hold something. "I won't let any of you down, no matter what I'll have to do to keep everything fixed," she continued, as Tommy sighed. 

"Not trying to say bloody something," he whispered and she laughed slightly, her eyes settled on the counter behind him. "I didn't say I didn't want you with me anymore," he stated as he leaned forward slightly. 

"I was just saying hypothesis," she corrected. 

"Then don't," Thomas ordered. She lifted her hands in the air innocently, a faint smile on her lips. 

"Alright, Boss," she said, laughing at herself. It wasn't a real laugh, not her real one, but at least she tried. Thomas watched her as she crossed her arms under her chest, a slight yawn leaving her mouth. 

"That's what I'm talking about, workaholic," he mocked. 

"That's just because you're holding on me, bastard," she answered with a smile, one with her eyes this time. It made his chest warm up a little, as he felt just like finally, he had found her back. 

"I just need time," he whispered.

"Me too," she agreed. "But it doesn't mean that the day you'll be ready, I'll be already in another's arms. I prefer yours anyway," she stated with another smile. 

"You'll be waiting?" he asked, his heart full of hope.

"Jeez, I already waited five years," she giggled. "I think I can wait a little longer." 

my babies, i cried