Five years ago

I woke up in my motel room, breathless and hot. Sweat was dripping from my body onto the bed sheets that were wrapped around my legs so tight I couldn't move. I panicked, trying to stand, fiercely tearing the sheets out from beneath me. I finally wobbled up to standing, pulled my hair back over my head, and rested my hand on my forehead. It had been the dream about drowning again and it was always so dark. The thunder of the waves over my head always woke me like this.

I had been in Colorado for two months now, the money I had had to steal had kept me going up until now. I had bought supplies as soon as Joe the trucker had dropped me off. Clothes and shampoo was my first stop, but I was now running short on this week's rent and I was scared as to what to do. I didn't want to live like this, never knowing where I was running to, and I sure as hell wouldn't steal again.

I grabbed my white t shirt, blue skirt and the new jacket I had bought, swept my hair into a pony tail and put a small amount of make up on so I didn't look completely like death. I slammed my motel door shut. The number eight swung loose.

I walked in a slow stride over to the diner attached to the end of the Motel. There was always a few people in there at night, stopping on route to different destinations. The waitress, Sandy Clark, she was a lovely lady, warm and friendly.

I pushed opened the door and Sandy came round from the back. "Hi darl, come come take a seat up front with me. I could do with the company, only old chuck over there been in tonight" She pointed to a huge guy in the corner in denim, a trucker hat on, eating away at a cherry pie and sipping coffee.

"Thank you" I said, as I hopped up onto the stool and swung myself round to her.

She was dressed in an orange waitress dress with her unruly blonde hair sticking out of a bun that was tight to her head. She handed me a coffee and I slowly sipped at it watching the news channel on the TV on the wall.

"You want pancakes Darl?! I can go back and get you some of the leftovers from a big stack I made earlier" She leant in with a whisper "on the house"

"That's too kind Sandy. No, I'm okay don't worry"

"I'll be back in a moment" She said, going into the back.

I sat there, half listening to the TV, as the news bulletin came on.

"Search called off for the missing young woman in Florida who went into the ocean the night of hurricane Martha. The tragedy struck at Ten Thirty PM when..."

I reached over the counter and flicked the dial to a different station as Sandy popped back around and dropped the plate of pancakes in front of me.

I nervously thanked her and slowly began to fork the pancakes around the plate, eventually eating enough to satisfy my growling stomach. As the hours went by I eventually moved to the back of the diner and sat myself in a booth away from the customers. I reached into my jacket pocket and took out the paper pad I had bought with the pencils at the art store a couple days ago after my dream about sketching someone. I had been right, I was an artist of some sort. The pencil moved so effortlessly between my fingers. In the last few days I had sketched everything I had seen, but my favourite was the local people. I would draw them, and watch as their faces came to life. At first I had been shocked at my own ability, but now though, I was elated to realise I had a gift like this.

I began to sketch a family that had come in for breakfast as Sandy wandered over with her coffee pot. "What you got there kid?"

"Nothing" I answered, pushing the pad under my arms nervously.

"Oh let me see it silly" She said, pulling the pad out.

"Oh my word" She observed, flicking through my sketches.

"Sam, they are beautiful"

I looked up at her and reached out and retrieved the pad. I smiled at her surprise and thanked her.

"You know you could sell these, they are that good"

"I couldn't. They are just for fun" I replied, putting the pad back in my jacket pocket.

"Sam you could. Listen, my cousin Vinnie owns this little art shop two blocks away on the corner of eighth. He would be happy to at least look at them. Believe me darl, he sells local art, and most of it can be such rubbish. Not these though."

She went back to the counter and reached over for her purse. She took out a small white slip and handed it to me. "This here's his card. Go check him out I'll call him and tell him you will be over later today"

I stood and kissed her on the cheek. She looked surprised. "Thank you" I said, walking back towards the door.

"Oh darl, you are more than welcome. Come tell me how it went tonight"

"Will do Sandy, have a good shift"

I walked back to the motel room and opened the door, shutting it behind me. The air inside was stagnant, so I opened the curtains and unlatched the window before closing them again. I stripped my clothes down and grabbed the last white towel hanging on the door and slowly slipped into the shower pulling the curtain around me. I turned the shower nozzle. Freezing cold water spat out. I put my hands up sputtering as the water hit my face. I stood back until it ran smoothly, and again I stood under the cool water, massaging shampoo into my dark hair. Foamy lather ran down my hard nipples, straight down my stomach and back down my legs into the drain. I washed the lather away and pulled my hair back squeezing the water out. I rested my hand on my stomach and looked down. I had lost a little weight at first but over the last month I had gained some back, it wasn't much but I was proud I had managed to care for myself. I looked down between my thighs thankful the hair was growing back where two months ago I had found it bare. I didn't much like the bald eagle look.

I dried myself off with the towel and used the hair dryer on my hair until it hung dry. It was still silky to touch which I had guessed by now must be a genetic thing as I hadn't conditioned it in two months. I dressed in a little navy playsuit and put on my large sunglasses I had got from the Motels lost and found. I grabbed my jacket in case the weather changed. I checked the pad of sketches was in my pocket and I slowly began the walk over to Vinnie's art store on eighth.

I rounded the corner of Delis and coffee shops and found myself across the road from Vinnie's. It had a bright and airy look about it with painting's hung in the window. The Vinnie's sign had the City's skyline in the background of the mountains. It made my heart skip double beats with anxiety. I crossed the road and the doorbell rang as I entered the shop. I removed my shades folding them and putting them into my pocket.

I browsed slowly though the store eyeing up every painting with a huge joy. The art work was beautiful and I hadn't a clue why Sandy would have sent me here. I was nowhere near this good.

"Well hello there" The charming voice of Vinnie boomed over the shop.

I swung around, my hand rising to my chest.

"Sam right?" Vinnie asked, reached his hand out to me with a smile on his face.

"Yes, you must be Vinnie"

"I am indeed, well now you're younger than I thought you would be" He mused, looking me up and down "come round the back and show me your work. Sandy told me you showed great promise"

"She did? I don't know about that sir" I replied nervously, tucking my hair behind my ears.

I handed him my small pad I had been using. "It's in here?" He asked, amused by the petite pad handed to him. "It's not in a portfolio?"

I bit down on my lip. "No, I'm sorry, like I said I'm not sure about this"

"Well well let's see" he mused, opening the pad up and putting on his glasses. He was about fifty, five foot seven with grey bolding hair, he wore a pink flamingo shirt with beige pants.

"Oh my" He said "Have you been to art school?"

I stood, looking at him over his glasses, not knowing the answer as my words got caught in my throat.

"I don't...No I haven't"

"Oh Sam this is good. These are very good. Do you have a studio set up?"

"No, I'm staying at this motel down the road right now. You know, where Sandy works?"

"Ah yes she did say are you staying in town or visiting?"

I knew I didn't want to move anywhere anytime soon unless I had too. It was so hard to feel safe anywhere right now but Sandy had saved me in a sense, and without her kindness and her friendship I would be lost. Colorado for its most part was beautiful and I knew it would be hard to leave.

"I'm staying, but I'm new to the area" I finally answered.

"Ah I see, well listen if you're not going elsewhere I wouldn't mind putting some of these in my art show next week. It's being held at the green rooms for local artists to showcase their new work. I was going to back out as I didn't have anyone new to show this year, but you my dear are in need of showcasing"

"Are you serious?" I replied in shock, my lips quivering.

"More than ever my dear. These are genius. I especially like the one of the girl wearing the gown with only the moon and the ocean around her. So original and brilliantly sketched." He handed me back the pad, walked back into his shop and called someone in from the store room.

"Mark come here a minute"

A small guy of about sixteen shuffled into view. He had the usual signs of being a teenager, facial acne, a lean frame and a look of pure boredom that he couldn't hide. He walked out with his green apron on.

Vinnie pointed back to me.

"This young lady needs to take a load of equipment up to the first floor apartment above the shop. Please help her up with everything. She will need the newest line of pencils, brushes, easels, paints and the huge pads of paper that came in yesterday"

I walked toward them. "That's too much I can't accept that. I have a pad and I can work from my room I don't need to use your apartment"

He turned back to me, his eyes glancing over the rim of his glasses. "Darling you can accept it and you will. You need much larger working space then on that itty bitty pad. I want you to express your beautiful work on quality. You will need all this equipment to complete your collection for next week, and I won't have you staying at that grotty motel, not when I've got a perfectly good apartment above my shop which we just don't use anymore. Its empty darling and its yours as long as we are working together. Come on now, let me help you out as you are me"

Tears began to fill my eyes. I was safe.

"Now go get your things from your Motel" he ordered "oh and here's the key" He said, passing it to me.

I grabbed him in for a hug and squeezed him tight. "Oh now now darling it's all right"

"I just can't believe it" I whisperer, unable to breathe.

"Well believe it. Have you seen yourself sweetheart?"

I combed my hand through my hair, my face awash with confusion, and suddenly feeling very shy.

"What's wrong with me?" I asked, full of concern.

He doubled over with laughter, his hand reaching out from his knees to mine. He gently ushered me around to the floor length mirror.

I stood there looking at my reflection, at my petite frame in my navy blue playsuit and my legs darkly tanned by the week's hot sunshine. My feet were in a pair of strappy sandals, and my dark glossy hair hung loosely around my face. The small amount of makeup I did have gave my currently hollow cheekbones life back and my lips were moist with a clear gloss. My eyes sparkled in the sunlight pouring through the large window. There was only a small amount of evidence left now from my bruising. The cuts were mostly healed. It was only my mind that still bared the scars.

"You're very young and very beautiful darling"

I blushed.

"You are too young and far too pretty to be out there on your own in a big city. Trust me, not all people are nice people or good people. You will be safer here above my shop. Don't worry about me darling. I'm gay. Sandy told me she thought you needed help"

"I never told her that" I replied.

"I know, she could just tell darling"

"So are you doing this out of pity because if you are I . . ."

"Stop right there darling, it's not pity. Uncle Vinnie doesn't do pity parties. You're extremely talented. Now, go get packing. I'll see you when you get back"

He walked back to instruct Mark. I walked out of the door slowly at first, and then running. I ran so fast, brushing by people with my arms out stretched in such joy. Even if it was brief, a little light among the darkness, at least it was there. I ran all the way back to the motel and packed up my few belongings and shoved them into my backpack. I left my room key at reception with my last few dollars to cover the last days. Luckily I was just able to cover it, and I made a last dash down to the diner where Sandy was leaving her shift and lighting a cigarette.

"Sandy you angel" I said, slamming into her with the largest hug

"Whoa whoa kid you okay??"

"Vinnie gave me a job, and he's lending me the apartment above the shop"

She smiled and sucked from her cigarette. "I knew you would impress him kid"

"Really?"

"Of course, You're super talented. You shouldn't be down here with the likes of these people" she said quietly, pointing around the lot.

I looked around at the men loading up their vans and the street kids running down the road with spray cans as sirens wailed in the distance.

"Will you come visit me?" I asked.

"Sure" She returned, smiling.

"Will you come to the art exhibition next week?"

"If you want me to I guess I could check my shifts. I would love to see your work up in lights. Don't worry I'll bum a ticket off of Vinnie"

"Oh great" I said excitedly, hands clasped together.

"Oh Sandy, thank you. You're my first friend you know that?"

"First? You're kidding right kid?"

I thought about that for a moment.

"First in this city" I quickly added.

We waved goodbye, and as I turned to leave the motel lot a car pulled up next to me. It was Mark.

"I've come to give you a lift back to the shop with all of your belongings"

"Oh well this is it" I said pointing to the backpack on my back.

"That's it?" He laughed.

"Wow, I've never known a girl pack so lightly. My sisters would have had about three suitcases each. Only my brother James and I carry light like that. Here get in I'll give you a lift back anyway"

"Thanks" I said, rounding the car and jumping in. I pulled the door closed and clicked the seatbelt into place.

"So you have family here" Mark asked.

"Uh no I don't have family" I returned.

"What, none at all?" Mark asked, pulling out onto the road.

"No none, my parents passed away and I'm an only child"

I didn't know that for sure to be true, but it suited my situation, trying to keep my life here as easy as possible.

"What about you?" I asked, putting my dark sunglasses back over my eyes.

"I have my sisters, like I said, and my brother James, he's twenty three, he's the eldest. We live with our Mom and Dad up in Ramble heights. It's a complex about fifteen minutes away from town. Wait, you're the same age as James right, early twenties?"

I thought about that, it was the age I had guessed, maybe a little younger but not much.

"Yeah that's right. I am twenty one" again it was a safe story. It meant I could get away with more, and people seemed to leave you alone if you were over twenty one.

"You should meet him"

"And whys that?" I asked questioningly.

"Well, he was pulling up outside of work earlier with his friends as you left, and he came running in asking who the hot chick with the shades was"

"You didn't tell him did you?"

"No course not. I didn't know your name until I asked Vinnie but would you like to meet him? Do you date?"

I sighed.

"I don't date guys" I said without hesitation before correcting myself. "Don't date at all I mean"

"You're into girls?" he smiled.

I laughed.

"No course not" I replied, eyes rolling.

I looked away from him and out of the passenger side window.

"Well I'm sure you will see him. He works for Vinnie too while he's finishing at college"

I really couldn't even imagine having to date, especially not this James. I wouldn't date him. I wouldn't even consider it. I wanted to find me, not find myself a boyfriend.

"What does he do for Vinnie?" I asked, pretending to be interested.

"He sets up his shows and does the heavy lifting around the stores"

"Wait, there's more than one store?" I asked surprised.

"Oh yeah Vinnie's got five stores, Colorado, Michigan, California, Florida and San Francisco. He only runs this one personally because he lives here with his partner now he has partly retired."

I watched as Mark pulled into the spot by the shop. He walked me to the door.

"You need a hand with anything?" He asked.

"No I'm good thank you" I waved goodbye as he entered the shop and I walked up the metal staircase to the front door and pressed my key into the lock.

The door popped open and I walked into the open and airy space of my new apartment. There was a floral couch and a tiny TV in the lounge with half a wall between that and the open plan kitchen. There was an old hob and a refrigerator in the kitchen which was running to a loud beat. I twirled around the open space before walking slowly to the bedroom, it was large with an unmade double wooden bed sat in the middle. I fell back slowly onto the bed, laughing with joy. I had my own apartment! I couldn't quite believe it, and I had my first job. I laid there on the bed for five minutes, with my arms stretched out behind my head. I couldn't believe it. I finally had a home.