"It started when I went to work this morning," Sam began. He fiddled with his too-long sleeves. There was so much red plaid he wasn't sure what to do. Every time he pushed the cuffs up to his wrists, they fell down three seconds later.

To Sam's right, an overly-muscled man nodded and smiled in the way lions smiled. "Go on."

Sam swallowed nervously. He liked the Chip Commando much better when he was eating Doritos and sharing them. This nodding and smiling business was somehow far scarier.

"I took the elevator," he went on, and his voice most definitely did not squeak. "There was this lady. She was really pretty and had the best red hair."

His grandmother rolled her eyes and grabbed the bottle. She took a long swig. When she set it down, the pungent scent of alcohol wafted across the table.

Sam wrinkled his nose. He sneaked a glance to the Tea Commando on his left. The guy still nursed his tea from the pink Crabby Cakes mug. There must have been an endless supply in there, for the mug was still half full and the Tea Commando had done nothing else but drink tea since Sam arrived.

"What happened in the elevator?" Chip asked. The muscles in his arms bulged obscenely when he leaned forward on the table. He must eat a lot of eggs and drink a lot of milk, because Gran always said those two things helped people grow up strong and healthy.

Sam tried not to stare. He wished he had muscles like that. "I - I don't know?"

"Well, what did you see?"

"Nothing. The lights went out."

Chip paused. "The lights went out in the elevator?"

Sam nodded.

"Why?"

Sam shrugged. "It stopped and the lights went out."

"Okay, so the elevator lost power. Then what?"

"Then she exploded. I think."

"You think?"

"Yeah. There was this pop, like a balloon popping." Sam gestured, though the plaid sleeves dangling over his hands obscured the movement. "Everything got wet and gooey. When the lights came back on, she was gone."

"Gone?" Chip's eyebrows rose. He sounded very intrigued. "Like, completely?"

"Well," Sam thought about it for a moment. "I think she was all over the walls and ceiling, maybe? It was an awful mess. And I had to get to work. But..."

He trailed off, frowning. Things hadn't gone so well after that. What a disaster. He buried his face in his sleeve-covered palms and sighed. He still had to tell Gran that he got fired.

"So, what you're saying is, is that you met a woman in the elevator. The power went out and she popped like a water balloon," Chip said. "Am I right?"

"Yeah, that's what I said." Sam impressed – this Commando was a pretty good listener.

"And her blood and guts covered everything, including you."

"Yep."

"Hm, I see."

Sam's grandmother grumbled, "You seriously can't be believing his nonsense."

Chip smiled. "Actually, we do. It's why we're here."

"It really happened, Gran," Sam told her. "That's what I was talking about on the phone!"

"Ugh." She took another drink from the bottle.

Tea mirrored her actions, though with far more dignity and elegance. Though he drank tea, of course. The only thing missing was the pinky in the air.

Chip gestured for Sam to go on.

"I went to the bathroom after that," Sam said, eager to share his story. This Chip Commando seemed to be a pretty nice guy, actually. "My clothes were all ruined, so I had to take everything off."

"Right." Chip nodded as if that was the most sensible thing to do.

"And then people came to the bathroom, and I had to make some clothes from the paper towels. I didn't want to get fired for being naked, you know? I was down to the last strike. So I made sure to hide my face too."

Gran's bottle was already half empty. She held it in both hands, her eyes starting to get a little bleary as she stared at Sam.

"Anyway, I managed to get out of the bathroom, but they were chasing me. So I made it to the stairs and..." he cringed, while taking a careful peek at his grandmother, "I got fired cos I was late and then I ran down all the stairs to the underground parkade."

His grandmother didn't even react to the bad news. She just knocked a knuckle against the bottle idly. Sam wasn't sure if he should be relieved or worried. Normally, she'd be yelling at this point, but here she was, quiet as a mouse. It wasn't normal.

Chop whistled. "You were on the 96th floor, right? That's a lot of stairs."

"Yeah." Sam's attention went from his Gran to Chip, and the open interest and curiosity on the Commando's face was enough to make Sam forget about his worries. "I thought the stairs would never end! I'm still really sore."

"I bet," Chip rested his chin on his palm. "So you managed escaped from the building this morning, but you took a whole day to get back home, huh? Did you get lost or what?"

Sam shrugged. "A lot of things happened. There were cops, but a crazy bag lady saved me. She gave me her coat because I was naked again, and then-"

Tea set his mug down with an audible clink, interrupting Sam. "We have our confirmation," he stated. "Let's move on to the next phase."

"Wait, hold on," Chip protested. "I want to hear this first. It's getting good."

Sam's grandmother chugged more alcohol. She swayed a little in her chair.

The Tea Commando frowned. He didn't appear to like the idea of listening to the rest of the story. Which was a pity, because Sam thought it was a great story, even though it made for a very long, tiring day.

"Just five more minutes, okay?" Chip put on his best smile. "And then we can drag him in."

The Tea Commando looked at his mug, which was surprisingly empty. Slowly, he lifted his gaze to Gran. "May I have some more tea, please?"

That made Chip grin, as if that was Tea's way of giving in. In response to Tea's polite request, Sam's grandmother lifted her bottle, and poured some into the Crabby Cakes mug. She did this without even looking, her aim unerring.

The faintest of furrows creased the Tea Commando's brow. He eyed the alcohol in his mug, and made no move to drink it.

Sam thought he could understand why. It just didn't fit. Tea drank tea, not vodka. Just like Chip ate chips. He nodded to himself, pleased with his deduction, although he thought it was too bad that his grandmother was already too drunk and couldn't see it. Otherwise she wouldn't have tried to give Tea alcohol.

"Guests are a pain in the butt," she'd told him once. "The fastest way to get them to leave is to give 'em what they want."

"So, tell me about this crazy bag lady," Chip prompted.

"Well..." Sam colored and ducked his head. "She turned out to be pretty nice, actually. She said if she were 40 years younger, she would have kept me."

Chip grinned. "Yeah?"

With a nervous laugh, Sam explained how the crazy bag lady had wheeled him away in her cart, right under the cops' noses. After that, he found himself in a storm drain tunnel, where he met a whole lot of other people.

"She gave me these pants," Sam patted his leg, "which was really nice of her. But there was this goat named Charlie, and he was very rude. Gran, I don't think you'd like him. Not only did he try to eat my hair, but he kept head-butting me."

His grandmother put her head on the table, her cheek squashed against the wooden surface. She muttered something unintelligible.

"I tried to find my way home after that, but I got the streets mixed up and ended up in a weird place. It was full of kids, like from that orphan movie. A couple of them tried asking me for money, but all I had was my phone. They were really nice. I traded them for a sandwich. Then we played hide and seek, but I guess I was bad at that game because I couldn't find them after that."

Sam shook his head. Those kids had a lot of energy. They hid for hours. No matter where he looked, he hadn't been able to find a single one.

"I got my phone back eventually, but I had to talk to this really shady guy in a trench coat, and- "

Tea Commando abruptly stood, pushing his chair back. "Enough. It's time to go."

"But I haven't finished my story yet," Sam protested. "Don't you want to hear how I got my phone back?"

"No." Tea Commando stepped around his chair, and pushed it neatly into place.

With a mutter, Chip Commando also got up. "I guess that's it, then."

Sam fiddled with his sleeves, feeling somewhat disappointed. He was just getting started. His grandmother was already passed out drunk, so she wouldn't be a very good listener. He'd hoped the two Commandos would at least stay long enough to hear him out.

After all, it was his job to entertain the guests since Gran was out of commission. It was only the polite thing to do.

With a soft sigh, he stood. "Okay. Well, it was nice to meet you guys."

Chip smiled. He placed a heavy hand on Sam's shoulder, and gave a gentle squeeze. "Oh, it was a pleasure. Now then, shall we go?"

"Yes." Tea Commando strode past them, leaving the kitchen first.

Chip followed after, but he seemed to have forgotten something. He still held onto Sam's shoulder. Sam was unwittingly dragged along, all the way out of the kitchen and down the hall.

"Wait!" He tried to squirm free.

Chip's fingers tightened their grip. Sam found himself in the front entrance of his grandmother's house, while Tea opened the front door and held it open.

"Wait a minute! You–" Sam tried to pry the hand off, but failed to even budge it. Chip was as strong as he looked. "You're holding on to me."

Chip's eyes flickered down to meet Sam's. He smiled slowly. "So I am."

"You should let go before you leave," Sam suggested.

"Why would I do that? You're coming with us."

Say what now? Sam's eyes got a little round. He looked from one Commando to the next, and wondered if this was just yet another part of a long, whacky dream. Because after the day he had, this would just be the icing on the cake. Yet the pressure building on his shoulder felt very real. 

He swallowed, trying to wet a mouth that had suddenly gone dry. Something about this whole situation didn't seem quite right. "Why would I go with you?"

"Because," Chip stated, "You met the girl on the elevator."