Slight Trigger warning in this chapter, Ember will be reminiscing on the past which we all know wasn't pleasant. There will be mentions of contemplating suicide, attempting, but they won't be detailed. It's really just a bit depressing, but if that hurts you to read, please proceed with caution.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was pleasantly surprised by how good of fighters Iceman and the Lion were. Not that they could beat Lily and me, but they weren't bad, which was quite the accomplishment in my book.

On a completely separate note, I was jealous of Lily's sword... It was amazing and I wanted it. The way it grew on command was enough to make me salivate, but when I saw just how powerful of a sword it could be... Well, let's just say that I have a rather unhealthy attraction to weapons.

To heck with Laxus and the confusing crap I was feeling there, loving a sword is uncomplicated and lasts forever if you take care of your weapons. I was about ready to stop the fight entirely and just beg Lily for the chance to hold the thing.

Not that he would let me, he seemed rather attached to it, unfortunately.

Anyways... The moment Iceman and the Lion had walked into the cave, I could see the blood draining from their faces. Both had heard stories, I was sure, especially with how little I was around the guild.

After that, the fight had started rather quickly, and brought us to where Panther lily and I were, circling around the two like predators. Lily had his sword drawn and I was twirling two knives between my fingers, humming a tune as I walked.

Iceman was the first to get fed up with the silence, it seemed, "Are we going to fight, or are you going to keep playing this stupid game of cat and mouse?" 

I couldn't help it, I snorted at that, "Cat and mouse?" I mused, sending an amused glance at Lily, "That's accurate enough since cats typically eat mice. Isn't that right, Lily?"

Lily was, unsurprisingly, not amused by this, "I'm an exceed, not a cat. It's insulting to compare me to those silly creatures." There was venom in his voice that I certainly hadn't expected, but all it did was amuse me as I smirked, biting my tongue to stop a snarky response from escaping.

We made eye contact for a moment before lunging forward in tandem towards our prey. I swear that as I lunged, I heard a squeal which was entertaining enough, and while they put in a valiant effort, there was never a chance for them to win. That may sound cocky, but I'm just being honest.

My opponent was the Iceman himself, who looked closer to pissing himself than anything else, but he still pulled his hands forward and managed to erect a wall of ice around the two of them before they were hit. A pleasant surprise to be sure, but not anything unexpected.

If it came down to it, I could jump this wall easily enough and I had no doubt that Lily could plow his way through like the tank he was. 

Though, neither of us moved for a moment as our opponents had a hushed conversation that we could hear quite easily.

"How the hell are we supposed to beat these two?" Iceman hissed out, unaware that we were clearly listening in. "Have you seen either of them fight Loke? They're both terrifying! Gajeel said that he barely beat Pantherlily in a fight and Ember is a whole other story... Every time she's gotten her knives out I've only seen her strikes after she's done."

The Lion sighed heavily, "Well, we can't just give in, they aren't infallible so we just have to keep trying."

A small part of me felt pity for their situation, but only for a moment. 

Sure they were going to fight their best, but I really wanted to win... Too bad they chose the tunnel they did, I had no doubt they would probably win otherwise. 

I looked at Lily for a moment before walking up to the ice shield and knocking, "Hey, so we know that you guys are trying to figure out what to do and all, but do you mind taking this down so we can, you know? Fight?"

Lily choked behind me as he tried to stifle any laughter that threatened to erupt and I shot him a grin. This was a side that I didn't show all that often, this whole test was affecting me more than I thought it would.

There was no response, which wasn't all that surprising, and I did what any normal person would do in this situation. I made quick eye contact with Lily, bent my knees, and threw myself as high up in the air as I could.

As if to prove that Lily and I were a good team, he seemed to have a similar idea, as the moment I started to fall back towards the ground, he was there. He positioned himself right under me and gave me a much-needed push back into the air, propelling me right toward the top of Iceman's ice wall, which had become a dome.

I landed on top of the ice and slammed my daggers in to stop myself from sliding off as I watched cracks start to form. The combination of my weight and the daggers proved to be too much for the ice as an earsplitting crack echoed through the cave.

Already I could hear Iceman attempting to patch it before his dome broke, but that effort was halted by Lily, who had thrown himself at the edge of the dome and plowed his fist into it as hard as he could.

This was the finishing blow for the poor ice dome, as it crumbled beneath the combined attacks, leaving Iceman and the Lion unprotected.

I dropped along with the ice, falling right onto our opponent's heads as a very unmasculine screech escaped one of the two... Talk about satisfying.

***

I had mixed feelings about leaving the dark tunnel system behind; on one hand, it was nice to have natural lighting and the canopy of the forest was beautiful, but on the other, all my exposed skin was stinging like crazy after my nap on the ship.

Lily cast me an amused glance as I groaned slightly, "Is something wrong Ember?" He asked innocently, trying to pretend like he actually felt sorry for my pain.

At least someone was getting a kick out of my poor life decisions because I sure as hell wasn't.

My reproachful glare was enough of a response for him as he began to chortle under his breath, walking to where Gajeel was grinning happily to himself, "You guys got here quick." I said, loud enough to block out my partner's snickers.

"Yeah," Gajeel said proudly, a razor-sharp smile spreading more across his face, "We faced Wendy and that weird dude with the scar on his face and totally decimated them! You should have seen it, those idiots didn't know what hit them!"

The instinct to roll my eyes was strong, I had a feeling that if Scar Face actually tried, he could wipe the competition. It was a good thing for Gajeel that Scar Face's job was simply to observe and report back, he was highly unmotivated at the best of times which no doubt meant that winning sounded like too much work to him.

I smiled slightly at Gajeel, the bluenette by his side didn't seem quite as enthusiastic as he did, but that wasn't a bad thing. She simply seemed more laid back and curious, which was nice. One look at Lily told me that he appreciated this as well.

In fact, the more I watched the three of them interact, the more I felt like I was looking in on a family. A near foreign idea to me, and I couldn't help but feel out of place.

I mean, I had always considered the Thunder God Tribe to be my family, and we weren't exactly the conventional family either. To see it here was almost... Painful. It felt like I was looking at a family that had ceased to exist well over a decade ago, one that I had ripped apart.

The memories were hitting me hard in ways that I didn't like, I pushed this shit away for a reason after all, but before I could make my escape, the bluenette stopped me with a question.

"Ember, Gajeel mentioned after what happened at the ship that you have a magical immunity, is that true?"

Oh dear, I could see the curious gleam in her eyes as she looked at me excitedly, she really was a lot like Freed, the only major difference was that she wasn't cynical... Once again, that wasn't a bad thing.

Gajeel had almost a guild look on his face as I glanced at him. To be honest, I expected questions and curiosity after my stunt, this was the first time I had displayed abilities like this, so anyone who was a bit more attentive would notice something.

I waved my hand slightly at Gajeel, letting him off the hook as I grinned wryly at the small one, "Yeah, it drives Freed and the others nuts, but most low-level magic can't touch me. And no, I've never actively experimented with its limits, I just know that it takes quite a powerful punch to get through to me."

Her face scrunched up as she absorbed that, but as I expected, there was another question being asked not moments after the first, just like how Freed had been, "Is this something you actively have to focus on or is it a byproduct of latent magic?"

God, this girl was good, she was observant and intelligent, a truly terrifying combination, "A byproduct I suppose." I shrugged, trying to play it off. I had only told one person about my past, and while this girl had earned some amount of trust just by being close to both Gajeel and Lily, it was leagues from being enough.

Levi hummed slightly as she studied me closely, "Are you sure that's all? I've been different magic types for years now, and usually, immunity to magic doesn't even begin to pop up unless the magic-user themselves are really powerful. The main examples of this are Wizard Saints and other wizards who have been known to have a ridiculous amount of magical energy.

"I just don't see how you could have a magical immunity... Unless of course, that is your magic, in which case that would make sense, but there's never been an immunity magic cataloged before. Not that it's impossible, but it simply seems unlikely to me that you wouldn't have to actively work on it. That seems like it would be a type of magic that would need rigorous upkeep to even slightly make work..."

She continued rambling on, but I could do nothing but stare at her in amazement for a moment or two. If I simply allowed her to think her way through this chain of thoughts, she would probably come to the correct conclusion without much help from me.

Talk about terrifying.

Not to mention the fact that I would prefer someone not figure out my entire backstory simply from one line of conversation, so I decided to cut her off... No doubt I would have to bring her into my 'inner circle' sooner or later, but for now, distracting her would probably be enough.

"Hey," I said, waving my hand in front of her eyes as I stopped her mid-sentence, "Have you stopped to consider that I have a reason for not telling people everything about me?"

She flushed deeply and opened her mouth, probably to apologize, but I simply shook my head, "Don't be so worried, I'm not mad. You're incredibly intelligent, so of course, you want to figure me out, but I have to ask you to not. At least for now."

I dropped a hand softly on her head and bent down slightly so we were eye to eye, "The facts about my magic are... less than pleasant. It's not something I like about myself."

Gajeel's eyes were as big as saucers as he stared at me, though I tried my best to ignore him. No doubt he hadn't expected me to explain anything like this. I hadn't either, to be honest, but I felt that someone who was not only gaining my respect but also someone who was incredibly intelligent deserved to know the reason I didn't want her digging around in my business just yet.

"If there is ever a day when you are unfortunate enough to see the damage my magic can do, then I'll explain it to you and answer any questions you might have... But forgive me for hoping that that day never comes."

I couldn't make eye contact with either Gajeel or Lily as I stood... Shit, what was happening to me? I was becoming a sentimental fool.

My mentors' harsh opinions on growing attached to anyone were coming back to me, which was an unwelcome reminder of a past I was trying so hard to distance myself from. Especially since one of those assholes had risen from the dead to come to bring back all my old demons.

As the thoughts crowded in at an irritating pace, I couldn't help but stiffen up, ignoring all conversations outside my head. Now was really not the time to be dealing with this, but it seemed as though this whole damn day had become the perfect storm and I began to chew mercilessly on my cheek as I tried to maintain my poker face.

(Trigger warning starts here. Like I said, nothing graphic, just tread carefully.)

"Attachments are for those who have given up on getting better, Have you grown so weak already, child?"

"Why the fuck would I show you mercy when you ruined our mission?  There's no room for people as weak as you here, do you understand me?"

"Get off the ground, you bitch. We are not your family and we never will be."

"Are you crying? It's funny because I really don't care."

From the beginning, all I wanted was to be loved... To find a way to heal after my family had been so cruelly taken away.

"Your form is pathetic, work on it until you can do it without thinking about it... I don't care how late it is, you will obey me!"

That... hadn't been provided. I was nothing more than a new whipping post to ware out. Either I would die under their harsh regime, or I would become their protege... There was no in-between. 

"Do I look like I care if you get stabbed? Your orders are to end him by any means necessary... Do I need to send you back to the Mistress? No? Good, now get moving."

I couldn't tell you how many times I contemplated taking my own life in the beginning. At least then the constant pain would be taken away, and even hell that I was surely going to end up in seemed a damn sight better than facing another day under their care.

"Running away, brat? Do you even realize the trouble we had to put into finding you again? Shut up and get walking, if you didn't want to get punished, you shouldn't have run."

Obviously, I tried, but I was under constant watch... I wasn't allowed to have emotions of my own, and the few times I was able to turn a knife of myself or allow myself to freeze, or hang, or drown, or burn, or suffocate... Or any of the other methods I tried in the beginning, they were there to 'save' me from myself before sending me to get punished for attempting to waste the guild's resources.

"Do you really think you deserve meal privileges after the stunt you pulled? Get the fuck out of my sight and do laps until you're throwing up."

 I was so young and already traumatized from having woken up covered in my family's blood and surrounded by their dried-up husks, that being dropped almost immediately into their hands was the worst form of punishment... I think another reason I never succeeded in taking my own life was the fact that I didn't think I deserved relief... I wasn't even 6 and already I was filled with more self-hatred then just about anyone else.

(The trigger warning should be mostly over here.)

"What? Did you really think I was going to praise you? You didn't fuck up the job this time but it was far from my standards. Get the hell out of my sight and practice your forms more."

It wasn't long before all emotion began to drain. I found that the harder I worked, the closer I got to getting actual praise from my own personal devils. The desire to die faded for the most part, but I was left with nothing, not even my sanity... Even then I couldn't get their approval. I always made another mistake, I always ended up being punished... But now at least I wasn't hurting quite as much.

"Did you see the way she killed that man? One might think we were training an actual monster!"

I became the tool they wanted, and they molded me into the perfect killing machine, still, they gave me no praise... Not that I cared at that point, I had stopped feeling things normally somewhere along the line. Yet I never showed them my magic... They never knew the extent of the horrors I could commit, whether that was self-preservation or some kind of mental block, I wasn't sure, but I was glad that I hadn't clued them in... They didn't need another weapon.

"We got you a new mission, another assassination. The target is further away, but we'll be watching. If you take more than two days, we'll kill you the moment you come home."

There was a raid on the infamous guild... It was all I needed to claim freedom. By the time I came back from my assassination mission, the guild was empty and I was alone, which didn't turn out to be nearly as good as I hoped it would be.

It was something I had never experienced before, and while I had already begun to grow my reputation, it was a struggle that nearly crushed me as an impressionable 8-year-old. I maintained my schedule, trained meticulously, barely slept, and killed.

For a while, I was killing every day, just to stop myself from having downtime...

I had hoped that the influence my mentors had on me had waned throughout the years, but it was becoming glaringly obvious that they didn't.

Was I forever trapped?

My body was tight, and I knew that I would begin to draw attention if I stayed in my head for too much longer, but I needed to think... Was I going to live with these echoes of my mentors for the rest of my life? What a bleak future that painted.

"Ember?" A voice, presumably Lily's from the heightened heartbeat I could feel in front of me, asked, "The second challenge is starting, we need to get going. Did you hear any of the explanation?"

The thorns around my heart had loosened enough for me to see the fact that everyone had evacuated the area, it was just the two of us, along with the helpers who seemed to be heading to set up a camp of sorts.

Remember that flame that had been lit under me? The burning desire I had to win and show my worth? 

Yeah, that had been snuffed out by the lovely flashback... I just... I needed to be alone.

"Sorry Lily, but I think I'll sit this one out," I muttered, turning away from everyone to head to where I knew a beach would be.

The poor cat was confused by my change of heart, I would be to if I had been in his position, "What do you mean, Ember?" He followed along behind me helplessly, I could hear his wings coming out as he moved to perch on my shoulder, "Are you dropping out of the competition?"

Was I? I remember feeling so excited, but all of that was just... gone. I hated it, but there wasn't a ton I could do to get it back, "I suppose so." My voice was soft, and even I could hear the change from what it had been, "Don't think too much about it Lily, I know that white cat is on her way, you should go meet her."

This silenced him for a moment, "Wha...? How did you...?" 

I tried to grin like I had been doing only moments before, "I heard you two talking before we left Magnolia, go meet her. I need... Well, I don't know what I need, but I think being alone will help me find out."

Lily wasn't pleased, to say the least, but I wasn't about to take no for an answer as I began walking again, determined to find a place where I could watch the sea and think. 

The old man and the Thunder God Tribe would probably end up yelling at me later, but I hardly cared. The S-Class trials had been pushed to the back of my mind for now. I could only hope that Freed would win for me. (She doesn't know he 'lost' his fight)

***

My mind refused to settle. I found a tree that overlooked one of the most serene grottoes in the world, but I couldn't appreciate it with how clouded my mind was. 

Come on Ember, just focus on anything else! The water is the most gorgeous shade of turquoise, the sand is soft and white, there are crabs scuttling around and it is so amazing...

Damn it! 

Why was it so hard for me to push everything down this time! Distracting myself had always worked in the past, so why was it failing so badly now!? I just wanted peace... I had been... happy? Well, not quite happy, but I had been perfectly content with my situation before. So why now?

I adjusted my seat as the tree's bark rubbed uncomfortably against my bare legs, and continued to flip one of my knives through my fingers. Perhaps the key to pushing back my sucky memories would be to figure out why they came in the first place.

Let's see, I had been talking to the Bluenette, what was her name? Levi? Lenae? I needed to learn it, but that was beside the point. She had been asking questions about my magic that were uncomfortably close to the truth and I stopped her.

That wasn't it, I felt fine... The discontent had started when I watched Gajeel, Brains, and Lily interacting. That's right, they had been like a family and it reminded me of my old one.

A dull thud could be heard as I dropped my head back to rest on the tree behind me, so I had been triggered by a family, had I? Well that sucks, there are families everywhere, being triggered by them would be like walking through a circus when you're scared of clowns. You'll never avoid them all, and if you do, something is probably wrong.

A cloud passed over the sun, providing my still-sunburnt skin with a bit of relief as I continued to ponder. If I was being honest, I had to admit that I might not feel worthy of the situation I've begun to find myself in. I was beginning to get people who not only respected me and wanted to be around me, and vice versa.

I might be so stuck in the past that I couldn't move forward... Honestly, if Laxus were here, I'm sure he'd smack me upside the head and tell me I'm being an idiot. Yeah, that sounded like something he would do. And then I'd make some witty comeback and he would get all offended. 

God I missed our back and forth.

We had some of it on our mission, but the majority of the time I had been a bit distracted by saving his life and all that, so we didn't really have much time for back and forth. Of course, there was the week or so that we had spent together at my home (I would say our home, but that made me feel flustered in a way that I didn't want to examine), but he was a grouch for most of that, not enjoying being cooped up.

Though, it had been nice. Every evening we sat on the couches and chatted for hours until one or both of us fell asleep... It was something that we had never really been able to do since he had a light post up his ass that needed removing and he couldn't quite get over himself.

Wait... No, that wasn't what I was supposed to be thinking about... Bad Ember! Stay on topic.

My eyes fluttered open as I glared at the cloud that was still covering the sun, thanks to my sunburn, I was getting chilly quick and that combined with my previous line of thinking brought my attitude even lower.

Though, the longer I stared, the less angry I became. The cloud that was blocking my sun... Wasn't a cloud.

No, I was staring up at the underbelly of a ship, one with a strangely familiar symbol on it... Where did I know that from...

...

Shit. This was bad.

I sprang to my feet as two heartbeats approached, knives finding their way instinctively into my palms.

"Well, well, well, would you look who it is Darling! Just the little monster I'd been hoping to see."

No... They couldn't be here... Not now.

"We've been trying to get you alone for several weeks now, but you've always been surrounded by that irritating guild of yours. If we hadn't gotten you now, we probably would have resorted to some... Less than savory tactics."

There was no way this was chance, this was a horrible joke being played on my by karma. He was throwing the only people who had such a strong grip on my soul. I could practically feel the 7-year-old me trying to escape just by hearing their voices.

"You refused my generous offer all those weeks ago, I do hope you've had time to rethink your decision."

Grimoire Heart and my mentors all in one day... This was just a regular fucking party, wasn't it?