The Out of Body Experience by Fayesther

Final Total: 3.6 (reshelved)

Reader 1:

Cover: 1/4  Grammar: The Out-Of-Body Experience (with dashes) because out-of-body is an adjective describing the experience. 

While I really like the TV look to the letters, I'm not sure what the period is doing at the end of the title. Trying to put the cover together with the blurb, I find I can't. I can't tell from the cover if this is a horror story à la Blair Witch Project, or a paranormal story about ghosts flying out of the TV, or a superhero story about a gawky, teen superhero who flies into buildings and that's how that blood trickle appeared on her face. It could be anything, so I'm not terribly enticed to pick it up and find out more.  

For better balance, I'd recommend lowering the face, so that only the eyes are there, if you want to go for a horror/paranormal feel. The author name is fine where it is. 

Title: 2/2 It's got a good ring to it, if maybe doesn't seem to have much to do with superpowers.

Blurb: 1/4

I was expecting a blurb and I got a poem. A vague poem that, just like the cover, could describe any number of stories. We've got an unusual girl with a unique ability she doesn't like, but can't get rid of, and doesn't really have the interest to get rid of it, anyway. That's it. And that'll be it for me, too, because I'm going to put this one right back on the shelf and walk on, although I might very well be your most enthusiastic reader. If you just gave me the chance to be!

Be more specific if you'd like to reel me in like a big, fat rainbow trout into your story. Tell me a little more about Anna's ability and how it manifests -- don't make me guess, I'll guess wrong! Tell me why exactly she doesn't want to keep helping people. Why wouldn't she? What will happen if she stops? Is there someone opposing her? Is it physically painful? Does she mess up a lot? What exactly? 

Give me more to go on, and don't play coy. Mysterious might work on a date, but it doesn't work when you're trying to sell something. Your buyers need to know what kind of a trip you're going to take them on. If you don't want them to walk out after the first few chapters because they thought they were getting something else, that is.

Total: 4 (I've put the book back on the shelf)

Reader 2:

Cover:2/4 Your author name needs to be regular-spaced, not tracked so far apart. It makes the eye struggle to turn it into a word instead of individual letters. Also, I would recommend using either a nom-de-plume that looks like a name, or your actual name, not a screen name or just your first name. (Unless your first name is Madonna. Or Cher.) It'll look a little more professional and serious, which, I assume, is something you would like: to be taken seriously as a writer. Other than that, the overall effect of the cover is ok. Not incredible, just ok. The image is certainly haunting, and the colors are all dark and thriller. You could lower it just a touch. You've got a halfy-halfy thing going on, when the human brain usually likes thirds.

What is the relationship to the blurb, BTW? Is this supposed to be Anna? Or one of the people she rescues? It would be helpful to have a clearer relationship between the two. Right now, the cover attracts attention, but it says 'paranormal thriller' or 'serial killer' not 'super hero.'

Title:1/2 The *Out-of-Body* Experience(no period) Why is this the title? There's a bit of a disconnect developing between the three parts of this presentation. The cover doesn't suggest what we find in the blurb, and the title suggests something else that doesn't quite mesh with either. It's more a new-age spiritualistic title than something related to a superhero/thriller. I would expect crystals and chunks of Himalayan salt to figure in this story. Could you shorten it to something a little punchier? 'Out of Body'? Or maybe try to find something more readily relatable to the blurb that won't be easily confused with some other, very non-scary genre.

Blurb: 0/4 'Anna is no ordinary girl.' Good. Great. *rubs hands together and keeps reading* 'She has a unique ability, nobody else can do what she can do.' Huh. *starts wondering if Trump wrote this blurb* Well no dip, Sherlock, if she has a unique ability, nobody else could do it, so... 'If only she could control it.' Control what? What can she do? 'That is her worry, that is her trouble.' She's got the blues, oh she's got them double... 'Her life is not her own... and...' *sigh* ' there is nothing she can do about it.' 

Is there an actual story happening in here anywhere, or is this just a list of woes? 'Nothing she wants to do about it.' Nice disjointed non-sentence that makes me think your MC has no spine and there will be absolutely no point to this story because you've successfully sucked the main conflict right out of your blurb. 'Her conscience tells her that she mustn't complain, she mustn't wish for more because she saves the lost, the hurting, the dying.' Ok. Cool, dude, but I have no idea HOW she does any of this, or even if she really does, so... don't care, at this point. And if she doesn't want to do anything about it anyway, why bother with this sentence at all? 'But is it truly her responsibility?' I don't KNOW, is it? How am I supposed to know that? I'm the reader! You haven't even told me what she's DOING! Do YOU know what she's doing? Why are you asking me??? 'Is —' GAHHH! '— it really fair to put the burden of the world onto one girl's shoulders?' I DO NOT KNOW! (Don't ask the reader rhetorical questions in your blurb. It drives some of them nuts and it's a cheap trick to get them to read without telling them anything at all about your story.)

You need to start over with this one. Give me the MC, describe some setting (please), then move into a description of what draws her into the action of the story (inciting incident). In here somewhere you could touch on that 'out of body experience' thing so the title is linked to your blurb. Then you need to give me a hint of what the main conflict is. What drives the story forward? Give me stakes in here. Give me something to root for. 'Is it really her responsibility?' tells me diddly about her actual problems. Is her ability dangerous? Does it cost her something when she uses it? Is she running out of time? Is there some outside force using her to do something she doesn't want to do? Go into a bit of detail, here, don't leave it hanging out there in Guess What I'm Talking About Land. Then you need to give me something to wonder about at the end that's not some rhetorical question about a vague moralistic theoretical conundrum. Make it specific to your MC and the plot. Does she find a way to harness her skills before X happens to Y, or will she fall apart trying? (For instance.)

Right now all I've got is a kid that doesn't want to save other people. There's no real conflict to work on, no relationship to either the title or the blurb, no real description of anything, not even her ability. Not interested at all.

Total: 3 (I've put the book back on the shelf.)

Reader 3:

Cover: 3/4 While it looks more like a thumbnail for a Netflix drama than a book, I quite like it.

Particularly, I like how the font is blurred on the edges with that tv-static kind of look, that's nice. Not a big fan of how you stretched the author's name, that would work better smaller and centered, but the font itself is good - both of them are.

The picture choice is good, I am expecting a horror/thriller from it, and from your blurb I guess that is what I am getting!

Again, just as with the title, the lack of hyphenation between the words is a little irritating, but I can ignore that here for the sake of composition. It's a pretty good attempt.

Title: 1/2  The title is fine, but there should be hyphens between the words: out-of-body. As it is now, it reads kind of disjointed, and my brain is trying to figure out why you separated what is essentially a whole part into pieces.

Blurb: 1/4

Well this is rather depressing.

Your blurb is a string of sentences which are each their own paragraph, and don't really tell the reader anything other than that Anna is special and quite miserable. It is difficult to piece together a story from this, especially considering you don't give anything away. I'm guessing that her ability is to do some form of astral projection, but that is only based off the title - you really didn't give much to go on in the blurb...

From what we have here, we have the main protagonist and that is pretty much it. There isn't a story, past that she is made to save people's lives, and doesn't necessarily want to. But that is only the status quo, and if you want to entice readers you need to give them more - why is this book starting now? Is Anna finally going to grow a backbone and get herself out of the situation she's in? If yes, then why now?

Total: 4 (I've put the book back on the shelf)

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