Total: 3.6 (reshelved)

Reader 1:

Grammar & Flow: 2/2 Decent writing. I couldn't find anything to pick on. The character introductions and descriptions are well executed, and everything was clear. Well done.

Interest: 0/2 Ah, hate to say this, but these characters are rather blah, and their situations are also rather blah. You don't leave them with anything to do, really. There's no hint that they have anything coming at them other than the possibility of new jobs. Which is begging the question, why start here? I'm still scratching my head over that after reading the blurb, and this chapter only cements that impression: you're starting your story too far in the past. This would be ok-ish as a prologue, but I wouldn't even suggest doing that. This is ALL backstory.

Five Cents Incoming: this may sound harsh, but you don't HAVE to include every brain-fart you have when you're character forging. It creates a story that is overly-involved, like my great aunt June trying to tell me about her shopping trip to Walgreens. I don't need to know about the colors of the eyeshadow she was standing there debating over when she met her friend Mabel. If your reader can be made to understand certain things through the interactions of the characters, that's where backstory needs to be put.

Quality of Prose: 1/2 There's a lot of tell going on in here, but since this is 3rd omniscient, that's to be expected. It can be impersonal and cold, though, if it's done too fast, which leaves the reader feeling like they've been rushed through a bunch of information. It's alright to let a lot of your backstory trickle in. Telling your reader that your character believes the same thing her mother did about overachieving is not the same as showing her overachieving and relating that to her mother.

One thing in that vein: there's a bit of 'filter' language going on. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, there are some decent articles on it online, and I'd recommend googling 'Filter Words.' Finding it in your own writing can be tricky. One example would be the phrase, 'She remembered her older sister...' If you take that out, and simply say, 'She smiled. () Lina had begged her to straighten her hair...' then there isn't a character filtering information between your reader and the action. It'll strengthen your writing and take out the middle man, so to speak. Another instance is, 'She knew that if she closed her eyes...' A stronger way to say that would be, 'If she closed her eyes and focused...' It simplifies things a bit.

There are a few sentences that could be trimmed because they're redundant: 'She believed in that with every fiber of her being' could be removed, and the rest of that sentence could be tacked onto the previous sentence since it's still the same subject. Splitting it up into several lines makes the reader assume you've reverted to Leila, when you're still on her Mum's beliefs. (This actually made me stumble in the thought progression department, I'm afraid. Doesn't take much anymore. Pardon my dotage.)

In Edward's section, you've got 'Edward couldn't believe his ears' twice. Not awful, as it develops further with the second mention, but it's not quite obvious enough to be purposeful because they're a few paragraphs apart. In that same paragraph, you've got 'the part' and 'this part.'

Hook: 1/4 A lot of the power of your hook is hanging on your character description, but like I said in the Interest section, your characters aren't doing or saying anything that creates much draw, so your hook is falling flat on its face. We don't get to see anything exciting. You cut us off before Laina gets that interview. You cut us off before Edward walks out on stage. You don't even let us see Adam Ball fall off that ladder – which could have been absolutely hilarious to see, but we're told it's funny instead. It's a lot of backstory, but no real forward motion into the actual plot of your story. You need more tension or action, but I'm not sure how you could get any going with what is here. I would suggest reconsidering where you begin your story. Pick a moment in the plot that is fairly close to what propels your MCs into action. And decide what the actual action of your plot is going to be, because right now I'm wondering if I'm not headed for Ten Years' worth of watching two rather colorless, uninteresting people do things everyone else does. What makes this story unique? What, about your characters, makes them interesting people? Hone in on that, and I'll bet your hook will pop right up like a Whack-a-Mole.

Total: 4 (I have put the book back on the shelf) 

Reader 2:

Grammar & Flow: 1/2 There are some minor hiccups in phrasing (for example: "a white crisp shirt" should be "a crisp, white shirt" ) as well as a number of clunkily phrased sentences sprinkled throughout the opening chapter which break the flow or reading. Some sentences have to be read slowly, or twice, to understand where all the words belong.

Interest: 0/2 Neither one of these characters is made interesting, nor is their goal presented in a gripping way. It's fairly ho-hum, sort of like, "So, there's this girl with funky hair and a dead mom who inculcated a mantra of over-achievement into her, who has a rather shallow desire to be a player in a multinational company in her home town. Today is her big interview. (And we care why?) Then there's this actor who has been waiting for his big break for a while. Due to lucky happenstance, he thinks he's just got it. He's going to perform tonight. (Good for him. Why should we care?)"

The main reason this isn't gripping is because it's largely told, and not shown. It's blah blah with no connection to much and told in a visual vacuum as if the characters are moving around in white space. The guy more than the girl. That's why no tension, no friction, no expectation is engendered in this beginning...and thus no interest.

Quality of Prose: .5/2 Lots of redundancies in here. The same thing is said over and over, just using different words. Sometimes, not even using different words. In a few places, the same word is repeated too many times. The problem with awkward sentences is addressed above.

The feeling the prose gives is of a new author still trying to get their bearings in writing. They aren't yet sure of their story, nor how to tell it, nor of what opportunities are available to them. There's loads more to these characters and the situation, but such a bare-bones, repetitious writing style doesn't allow the richness to come out.

Hook: .5/4 I'm sorry to say, but the whole opening chapter fails as a hook. It's bland, fairly unengaging and focuses on details (like the wild hair) that are great for description purposes, but tell us nothing about the characters' personalities nor are related to the central conflict, nor move the plot along. It isn't even really clear in the guy's section that he's in a theatre until the very end lines! With such a say-nothing, do-nothing, all-tell-no-show start, I can only hope the rest of the novel gets better. But, I won't be sticking around to find out. Back on the shelf it goes.

Total: 2 (I've put the book back on the shelf)

Reader 3:

Grammar & Flow: 1.5/2  Full points for grammar, I see no apparent issues there.

The flow is another matter. You start telling us about the mother holding a school assignment, then suddenly Leila is doing her hair for a job interview. It is not clear that the first scene is just there to establish Leila as a character with her perfectionist tendencies. I would suggest switching these up - try starting with the hair, and how she is struggling to keep it to her standard, and then use the background of her mother to accentuate the point and drive it further. As it stands now, we have a lot of the background which isn't necessarily interesting, since we don't know the characters you're talking about, and focusing solely on this one personality trait, almost looking at it under a microscope, it feels like I am reading a character study rather than a novel.

You do better with this on Edward's part, we are in an active situation which throws him into a story straight away. It might be a good idea to rethink your first portrayal of Leila to align better with Edward's. I can see you are trying to get them both in a situation where their lives are on the cusp of change, and show the catalyst to them meeting later, which is a nice way of starting this story, but sitting in front of a mirror, hating on your hair, and remembering your dead mother was maybe less than nurturing may *not* be the best way of doing that.

Interest: .5/ 2  As outlined above: not a very interesting start, unfortunately. The fact that Leila is off for an interview only appears towards the second half of her introduction, so until then we have no idea what is she doing, kind of in a limbo of her hair and memories. For me, this opening would have a better punch if you lead with this. Make her something more than just a girl in front of a mirror, because unfortunately that's all she is now.

Edward's part is better. From the first sentence you can see what his goal is, and how hard he has been working towards it. The ambition I think you are trying to convey in both of them comes through much better here.

Quality of Prose: 2/2 Your prose is simple and straightforward, no unnecessary bells or whistles. Your paragraphs are easy to digest and short, which works well for wattpad, although I am not sure how well that would translate into a published piece.

You start a lot of your paragraphs and sentences the same way. "She knew", "She let" "She smiled", then "Edward couldn't", "Edward couldn't" (again), and "Edward told". It is interesting to note that while with Edward you refer to him mainly by name, on Leila's paragraph she is mostly "she". I wonder if this stems from the fact that in Edward's scene he is interacting with someone, whereas Leila is by herself? This is not really a criticism, only a comment on something I found interesting while reading through your first chapter.

I am interested to see how you would write these two interacting with one another, whose point of view you'd write from, and how would you tackle that aspect, but we're only focusing on the first chapter here, so that will have to wait! 

Hook: 1/4  Honestly, it's a bit... boring. It does get better in the second part, but if I were reading this for pleasure rather than to comment on, I probably wouldn't have gotten that far. I think a large part of this is because Leila is not a teenager, and I am not expecting the typical wattpad high-school romance. But when opening this book, I am greeted with the MC being told off for her grades. This could be an interesting character development, how a strict upbringing affected her, but unless it's a hang-up of hers, maybe not the best for the opening.  

Total: 5 (I have put the book back on the shelf)