Chapter 22: Assurance

And what would I gain for admitting what I truly feel? Nothing! Hindi naman sa naghahangad ako ng kung ano pero sigurado na ako lang din ang masasaktan sa huli. Those pain I had back then, the insults I received from his mother, babalik lang ulit lahat.

Mas mabuti pa na mag focus na lang siya kay Giselle. Tahimik naman na ang buhay ko. Oo at hindi ako masaya. Pero kontento na ako. Matagal ko ng natanggap ang naging kapalaran ko. Ayoko ng ibalik pa ang nakaraang hiniling ko tapos sa huli, panaginip lang pala.

He's happy now. That's what matters. Wala ng babae na sisira sa pangalan niya. Wala ng ibang mas mahalaga pa kundi ang pinaghirapan. Naintindihan ko ang mama niya kaya hindi ko magawang magalit. Kahit ako at magka-anak, hindi ko hahayaan na sirain ng kung sino ang pinaghirapan ng anak ko.

"It's already over for us, Ali." I sighed. Hindi ko na siya hinayaan na sumagot. Mabilis akong sumakay sa driver's seat at pinaharurot ang sasakyan, palayo muli sa kaniya.

Sakit lang ng ulo ito kung ipipilit ko pa ang kahibangan na 'to. Ayoko ng guluhin pa ang buhay niya. Tahimik na rin ang buhay ko. Mas mabuti ng ganito.

Kontento na akong sa isipan ko ay buhay na buhay siya. Kontento na akong nabubuhay sa masasaya naming alaala noong nakaraan.

Inubos ko ang baso na puno ng scotch. Gusto ko sanang magpahinga na pero hindi ako maka tulog. Nandito ako sa bar counter sa loob ng kwarto ko, nagiinom, nagiisip. I couldn't forget our encounter kanina. I couldn't forget his touch, his lips on mine. I couldn't forget his words.

Did he really stay in love with me all these years? Parang ang hirap paniwalaan. He's Anton Zobel for goodness' sake. He can have whoever he wants. Girls line up for him. Hinding hindi siya mawawalan ng babae sa buhay. How could he possibly still have feelings for me?

Kung sabagay, ako rin naman e mahal pa rin siya. Pero sa akin, walang ibang lalaki ang naka paligid kundi problema lang. I lost interest to any man since after him. Ewan ko ba. Marami rin naman akong pagkakataon noon na humanap ng iba at kalimutan siya pero hindi ko ginawa.

It has and always been him.

"Arden Cojuangco, a trying hard socialite but a gangster deep down."

"Arden Cojuangco, the girl who rises up from the mud yet will remain a mud."

Cruel.

Ilan lang ito sa nababasa kong comments ng tao tungkol sa cover photo ko na nilabas ng isang sikat na magazine. I was interviewed for this last month. Wala akong hilig sa ganito but my chief of staff advised me to do this so people would get to know me better.

Guess what. They know me better.

"Didn't I told you to stop reading comments? Masisira lang ang araw mo diyan, Queen." inagaw ng secretary ko ang iPad na hawak ko.

I scoffed and ignored her sermon. She's been handling me for the past 4 years. I don't know who I must hire to be my secretary so hinila ko na lang ang nakita kong babae sa HRD. It was obvious in the first place that she didn't want this job but she's stuck with me now, forever.

"I want to know what others think of me." I said. A total opposite from what I used to be years ago. Back then, wala akong pakialam sa kahit na sino. Today, their opinion is important to me. Their words matter. Not for myself but for this business.

I was not allowed to have any scandal that may ruin the company's integrity. When I sat on that fucking chair, I was taught to have a good image. I say nonsense. Alam ng lahat kung anong nakaraan ko.

"I told you, kahit pa anong sabihin ng tao sayo, hindi naman yan ikababagsak ng kompanya. This is alive and prosper because of our client's loyalty. As long as you don't disappoint them with your product and services, they will not leave you."

"Based on our statistic reports here, our company's rate grew even higher this month. We have to thank the people of this company for doing a great job."

"Really? Will the accounting be mad if I give them bonuses?" I asked.

Madalas kong kaaway ang head ng accounting dahil sa hindi namin pagkakasundo sa ilang bagay. I want to do this that but he refuses because it will hurt the company's budget, etc., I scoffed. I am the chairman of this company but it's funny how I can't easily decide for its sake.

But I have learnt to accept their opinions because they are one of the reason why this company is successful.

"I will ask the managing director ASAP. By the way, you received an invitation earlier this morning. The letter came from the Metropolitan Lair." she handed me a blue letter envelope with a gangster seal in the middle.

Binuksan ko ito at binasa. They are inviting me as guest for the transferring of a new title. Nakahanap na sila ng bagong Queen huh. It took them 4 years.

"Are we going to respond Queen?"

I look at my secretary, she's wearing her usual sarcastic face on me. I let her mock me by calling me Queen because I know how stress she is being my secretary. Devil knows how I put her always in the hard times.

I appreciate her efforts to deal with my mess. In exchange, I let her mock me.

"Tell them I'm busy."

"You don't miss them?"

I sigh heavy. "Hindi."

"You don't miss the gangster life?" tanong niya ulit.

"I don't, Carla."

"Oh jeez! My name is Charlotte. And you don't miss it? Palagi kang nasa gym at nambubugbog ng sparring partner."

Natawa ako. That part, I can't deny. Hindi ko namiss ang pagiging gangster pero ang mang basag ng mukha, siyempre palagi kong namimiss at kawawa kong ka sparring ang palaging biktima. Wala naman silang magawa kasi pinapasahod ko sila.

"Gusto mo bang subukan ko sayo para malaman mo na hindi ko namimiss?"

She took a step backward. I guess so. She's seen me provoked once and it didn't end well. May isang investor na nambastos sa akin. That meeting turned out bloody. I remember breaking his nose, jaw and his fingers for that. He was hospitalized and I had to pay him millions for keeping it quiet.

Hindi nga kumalat ang nangyari na 'yun pero kumalat naman sa buong business industry na dapat akong katakutan. I even saw some articles about me and how they must deal with me. I was also labeled as the ruthless boss but putangina nila.

I am so done with that gangster life but that doesn't mean I don't long the fighting.

"You have a meeting with the Green Auto chairman. You might want to review the proposals?"

So I spent my morning reading and signing documents. Hindi lang naman ako ang nakakatanggap ng proposals. Kami rin ay nag aalok sa ibang kumpanya ng project.

"Thank you for trusting our company, Ms. Cojuangco. We are looking forward to work with you."

The meeting ended with a smile on my face. Napapayag ko siya ng mas malaking share sa part ko. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa galing kong makipag usap o sadyang takot lang siya sa akin. Imagine, I was alone inside while he's got three security guarding him? I don't know if I should take that as compliment or insult e.

"Queen, two investigators are in your office right now." Carly updates me as soon as I walk out of the meeting room.

"What for?" kunot noo kong tanong.

"I don't know. Kaylangan daw po kayong makausap."

I marched back to my office located in the top floor of this building. She open the door for me. Nadatnan ko ang dalawang pulis na nakaupo sa couch. When they saw me, agad silang tumayo.

"Do we have a business with each other gentlemen?" I asked, not even looking at them. Dumiretso ako sa lamesa ko para itago ang dokumento na hawak.

"Good afternoon, ma'am. We apologize for coming unnoticed. I'm NBI agent Magalang and this is my partner agent Santos. We are here to inform you that your father's case been transferred to us. Any update starting from now will only be made from us."

"Kayo ang bagong hahandle sa kaso ni Papa?"

Tumango ang isa. "Yes, ma'am. Sisimulan po namin pagaralan ang kaso bukas. Sasabihan po namin kayo agad kung may update."

I laugh mockingly. "Akala ko'y inabandona na ninyo ang kasong 'to? I had not received reports for 4 years. Matagal na akong dismayado sa serbisyo niyo. Do you think having this case will make any difference?"

"Paumanhin po sa nangyari, ma'am. But I assure you, we will do our best. We will not disappoint you, ma'am."

Natawa ako. "Baguhan kayo, no?"

"Anyway, I heard that promise before. Gusto ko lang sabihin na hindi na ako umaasa sa anomang gagawin niyo. Sooner, you will abandon my father too like what your colleague did."

Meeting these new detectives actually gave me some hope. Hindi pa rin naman ako tumitigil na hanapin ang hustisya para sa Papa ko. Ngayon na bago na ang hahawak, naniwala akong gagawin nila ang lahat ng makakaya nila. I cooperate with them. They asked questions and I answered them truthfully.

Gabi na ng matapos ang mga tanong nila at pagod na rin ako. Pagdating ko sa lobby, nagulat ako ng makita si Anton na nakaupo roon at halatang kanina pa siya nandon. Lumapit ako sa front desk.

"Ma'am, kanina pa po siya nandito at gusto raw kayong makausap. Wala po siyang appointment sayo so we did not let him in.Pumayag po siyang diyan na lang po kayo hintayin."

How ironic that I was the one on his shoes years ago when we were together. Ako yung hindi pinapasok dahil walang appointment kay Anton Zobel. Kaibahan lang, nandon agad siya para puntahan ako. He was always there for me.

"Why wasn't I notified?"

"Ma'am, the secretary told us you were in a closed door meeting, not allowed to disturb you po. We are sorry."

Bumuntong hininga ako. It's not their fault. Hindi naman nila alam kung sakali na handa kong putulin ang anomang meeting ko kung nandiyan sa labas si Antonius Zobel. Kung kami pa, hindi ko alam kung anong klase ang mga magagawa ko para sa kaniya.

Looking at him from afar made me realized how I had been cruel to him. I promised to fight for him but surrender when the situation tired me. Sa totoo lang, wala naman siyang kasalanan. But seeing him now, just sitting there, looking down, makes my heart tremble in sadness.

I was the one who gave up yet he's here, looking for me, patiently, like he always had for me. Patience. Love. Support.

Yet I broke him just because I couldn't stand the people who have hurt me.

I pushed him away when all he did was to accept and love me for who I am. Siya itong dapat na masaya ngayon sa iba pero heto siya't nasa paanan ko, handa akong kuhanin muli.

Bakit? He don't deserve me.

I walk slowly to his direction. A tear fell from my eyes but I quickly wiped it. Here is the man I love so much with my life, waiting for me after all those years.

How can I not accept him? When he's supposed to be the one doing it?

"Anton," malumanay kong tinawag ang pangalan niya.

He's wearing his suite. Galing siyang trabaho? Pasado alas-nuebe na. Ang sabi, dalawang oras na siya rito. Kung alam ko lang, hindi ka na sana naghintay ng matagal.

I can tell that he recognized my voice. When he lifted his head, he's smiling already. Mukha siyang pagod pero lumalakas siya kapag nasa harap ko.

"Anong ginagawa mo rito?"

"I want to talk, Adi. Please?"

Nag buntong hininga ako. I raised my hand to him, a sign that I am offering my hands for him. Tinignan niya ito, nagaalinlangan, bago binalik ang tingin sa akin.

"Let's walk." I said

When he finally hold my hand, my broken world shattered. The black and white slowly disappears and color starts painting my vision. The darkness finally bid its farewell and now got embraced by light.

I held his hand tight- afraid to lose the light of my life again. His hand brought back what dies within me. Pagod ako sa trabaho pero nagawa ko pang maglakad lakad ng malayo, kasama siya, ng hindi binibitawan ang kamay niya.

Tumigil siya sa paglalakad kaya natigilan din ako. Pag lingon ko sa kaniya, naka tingin na siya ng mabuti sa akin. Is he going to let my hand go? Can I refuse?

"Adi, please.. I-I'm sorry."

"I promised before that I will never leave you. I broke that promise, and I'm sorry for that."

He sniffed. It was dark. Only the street lights and the moon helped us guide the path. But somehow, within this darkness, I see his face clearly, so painfully broken.

"I love you so much.., I—"

I kiss his lips to stop him. His jaw dropped immediately. I know this kiss isn't enough. I haven't been very vocal before, about my feelings for him.

"Mahal na mahal din kita, Anton. I'm sorry kung iniwan kita noon. I was weak. Alam kong hindi sapat na dahilan 'yun para saktan ka kaya humihingi ako ng tawad. I loved you before and I still love you with all the years I lose you."

"Baby—"

"No, let me talk."

Natutop niya ang bibig niya. Huminga ako ng malalim.

"I had so many insecurities, Ali. People kept slapping me everyday how I wasn't meant for you. Totoo naman, diba? Sino ba ako para sa isang Anton Zobel na matagumpay na? I only had bad reputation. Pero, minahal kita ng totoo. Sobra sobra. Thinking that letting you go means saving you!"

"Hindi ako makatulog ng maayos gabi-gabi sa tuwing naiisip ko yung magiging buhay mo kapag kasama mo ako. I will only bring disgrace to you. Hindi ko 'yon matanggap. You deserve someone better, someone that you will be proud to mention her name, someone—"

"I have always been proud to have you as my girlfriend, Arden. You were always busy thinking others when you don't even consider what I think of you. Hindi ba dapat mas mahalaga 'yun?"

"I know, I know that, you were so in love with me that I thought you were blinded by love. You were starting to fail, lose yourself, for me."

"I didn't failed. I reached the top. But I was not happy. When am I going to be happy? Kapag bumalik ka sakin. Kaya kong ipagpalit lahat ng bagay na meron ako mahalin mo lang ulit ako, Arden."

"I never stop loving you."

He scoffed. I saw a tear from the side of his eye. "I don't believe that. How it was easy for you to leave me."

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. "Anong dapat kong gawin para paniwalaan mo ako?"

He sniffed, wiped the lose tear from his eyes.

"Marry me."