Chapter 19: Broken

I cried for hours on my bed. I was so hurt. I still could feel it. Parang tinutusok ng maraming karayom ang puso ko. Ganito pala ang masaktan? Tangina. Hindi ko naman hiniling na maramdaman 'to. I just wanted to be happy... I realized, it's really impossible for me.

Hindi ako naniniwala sa karma pero baka ito nga 'yon. Ang ganti sa lahat ng mga kasalanan ko. I used to hurt people, innocent people for no reason but to satisfy myself. Now, I was the one on the other side of the table. I was the one receiving the pain.

Maybe, I deserve this.

I deserved this.

Wala akong karapatan mag mukmok at umiyak. I have to accept that this might be my biggest defeat. It kills me. Pero wala akong karapatan mag reklamo.

My phone kept ringing. I saw Anton's name on screen. I wiped my tears before I answered the call.

"Baby,"

"You shouldn't be calling me anymore."

"Let's talk, please? My mother told me what happened. I'm sorry."

"Look, you have nothing to be sorry. Your mother is right, Ali. You don't deserve me. Ilang beses ko na rin naman sinabi 'to noon pero ewan ko ba bakit pinagpatuloy ko pa rin."

"It's because you love me! Please, Adi. Let's talk. This relationship is between us. I'm sorry if my mother meddled with us but I promise, this will not happen again."

I took a deep breath.

"I'm breaking up with you."

I broke down silently. Ayokong marinig niya na nasasaktan ako. Hindi niya lang ako titigilan. Dapat tapusin ko na to sa lalong madaling panahon.

"No. Hindi ako papayag. I'm not going to lose you. No, let's talk. I'm coming over."

"Ali, I'm tired. Akala ko kaya ko. Pero hindi pala. I tried to hold your hand despite the insulting remarks from the people around us. I tried, believe me. But, this is too much."

"Arden—"

"This relationship is suffocating me! You gotta have to understand that!" I almost shouted.

I bit my lip, not wanting to hurt him but damn it!

"Let's just accept this, Ali. Hindi talaga tayo para sa isa't isa."

I ended the call before he could answer. I stood up and get my hoodie and car key. Sigurado na pupunta siya rito at ayoko na maabutan niya ako. Ayoko na magkita kami o magusap kami ng personal. Ayokong mag break down sa harap niya. Kapag nakita ko siya, baka bawiin ko lang lahat ng sinabi ko.

I drove to my safest haven. When I arrived at the gangster lair, everybody greeted me. Wala akong pinansin ni isa sa kanila at nagtuloy tuloy ako ng lakad papuntang quarters ko.

Bukas pa naman ang official retirement ko so sa akin pa rin ito. I'm still the gangster queen. Kung gugustuhin ko siyang iwasan, itong lugar ang sigurado. Makapasok 'man siya sa loob ng lair pero hindi sa mismong quarters ko. It's either the bouncers or my underlings would throw him out.

I locked the door. Naka hinga ako ng maluwag. Lumapit ako sa counter para mag salin ng scotch sa baso. Ininom ko ito agad.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras na akong nagiinom pero sure akong madaling araw na. Sakto na pumasok si Jireh. Hindi niya akalain na madadatnan niya ako rito.

"Queen."

"Shh! Gusto kong mapagisa."

"May naghahanap sayo sa baba."

Natigilan ako agad. He's here already? Well that was fast. Naisip ko kanina na sa Eastridge na lang pumunta. That bar is exclusive for gangsters but that brute magically got inside without any bruises. He probably used his power or name, whatever.

"Ban him from coming to my quarters."

"He's making a mess there, Queen. Kung hindi siya titigil, mapapatay siya ng mga gang don."

I gritted my teeth. He's not wrong. Fuck! Sa inis ko, nabato ko ang baso sa pader na agad din nabasag. Tumakbo si Jireh palapit sa counter para bigyan ako ng panibago, na may laman.

Kinuha ko ang phone ko. Hinding hindi ko siya kikitain. He has to accept that we're done.

"Hey, I'm seeing you down there."

"U stalking me girl?"

I rolled my eyes. "I need a favor." labag 'man sa loob ko pero kaylangan kong gawin 'to.

I heard him scoffed. "Really? I must be hallucinating."

"There's a man there, an outsider."

"Uh-huh. He's persistent, Queen. Kapag may nainis sa kaniya, sigurado na butas ang tagiliran niya."

Napapikit ako sa inis.

"Protect him."

"Excuse me?"

I sighed. "Please? He's important."

"Right! Boyfriend mo? Nagwawala na rito. Nakipag break ka?"

"Will you stop being so noisy?"

He barks in laughter. "I don't do favors, specially if it will not benefit me, Queen."

"I know. Consider as debt. I owe you."

"You know the consequence of debt, Arden Cojuangco."

"This is one time, alright? Huwag masiyadong lumaki ang ulo mo. I owe you and I'm going to pay you when the time comes."

"I will be the one to decide when will that be,"

"Deal, Zeon Smith, or should I call you—"

"Shut your fucking mouth, woman."

Natawa ako sa reaksyon niya. He ended the call immediately. Nakita ko sa cctv footage ang pag galaw niya. Bumulong siya sa tao niya at agad itong kakalat sa lahat.

If he announced Anton's under his protection, he will be untouchable.

I will still protect you, even if you no longer with me.

Maliwanag na ng awatin ako ni Jireh sa pagiinom. Bumaling ako sa mga boteng naka tambak sa sahig. Ang dami ko palang nainom. Pero hindi pa rin ako nalalasing. Para lang akong tanga.

"Ihatid na kita, Queen."

"Drop me off to my condo. Ayokong umuwi sa bahay."

"Nandon pa siya baba, paano 'yon?"

"You stupid or what? May back exit 'tong quarters ko."

I was exhausted when I got home. Jireh insisted to come over and help but I declined. Hindi na ako nakapag bihis sa antok. Ng humiga ako sa kama, sigurado akong bagsak agad ang mata ko.

When I woke up the next day, I feel okay since I got no hangover. Ang haba rin ng tulog ko kaya napahinga ang buong katawan ko. Naligo muna ako sa banyo bago nag almusal sa hapon. I sighed. I thought I just had a bad dream but after seeing missed calls from my parents, I realized it wasn't. I broke up with him.

How cruel, Adi.

But self-pity is enough. Now is the time to accept and move on. Hindi talaga kami para sa isa't isa. Period.

I went to the gym at 6 pm., had dinner about 9 in the evening and drink scotch the whole night. This was literally my routine, before I met him.

Na kwento ko na rin ang lahat kay Beni. Hindi niya nagustuhan ang desisyon ko pero naunawaan niya ang reason ko. Although she insisted that I should have fought our relationship if I really did love him.

I love him. Maybe, it wasn't enough. Maybe, I don't love him that much. Ewan ko. Pero itong sakit na nararamdaman ko is enough to consider how much he meant to me.

"Adi, I was so worried!" my mother lamented.

She's at my condo. For 2 months, I declined any visitors including my parents. Ngayon ko lang sila ulit nakita. I hugged Ismael tight.

"God! I miss you so much baby!"

Agad siyang nag pumiglas na parang nandidiri sa akin. Tumaas ang isang kilay ko.

"What's wrong?"

"Don't hug me like that. I'm a boy and you are a girl. It's awkward."

I snorted. "I'm your sister, Ismael. It's no awkward. It's okay to hug as long as family."

He continue playing games kaya hinayaan ko na lang. I look at my parents who is both starring at me. Kumunot ang noo ko.

"I was so shocked when the guard told me I wasn't allowed to enter your unit. I almost ask to fire him when the manager came and told us your orders." Papa.

"I wanted to have a peace of mind, Papa."

"And you won't get that if we're around?" he sounds insulted.

Tumango ako. "Exactly,"

"Are you okay? We heard what happened. Donya Trinidad spread the rumors that her son dumped you. I don't believe her." si mama naman ang nagsalita.

Hindi ko napigilan umirap upon hearing their names. Oh, it's been when since I heard them. Ngayon nandito sila, naalala ko na naman.

"Bakit naman hindi ka naniwala mama?"

My father scoffed. "We heard he's been making a mess in the gangster lair. And Adi, he's visiting our house everyday hoping to see you there."

"Halos magmakaawa siya noong unang mga linggo ilabas ka lang namin. After 2 weeks, hindi na siya ulit nakita sa subdivision kaya akal ko sumuko na. But your father's security reported to us that there's a suspicious car nearby going around for days already. When they apprehended, nalaman na tauhan sila ni Anton." si mama naman ang nag nagsalita.

Bumuntong hininga ako. Magkasunod silang nagbabalita ng chismis sa akin na para bang big scoop ang anomang sinasabi nila. The hell I care with them right?

I graduated alone. Although I saw my parents from afar that day. Ayaw lang nilang lumapit because I know they respected the space I wanted. Dalawa lang din kami ni Beni na nag celebrate sa condo ko.

"Donya and I are close friends but I was disappointed by the way she treated you." Si papa

"It's okay, Pa. I understand given who I really am."

"No, that's pure biased." my father reasoned out.

"Hayaan mo na sila Lary. If they don't want our daughter, so be it. Hindi kaylangan ng anak ko ang apelyido nila para mabuhay." matapang naman na sagot ng mama.

Natawa tuloy ako sa sinabi niya. "Wow! Parang may mararating ako niyan sa sinasabi mo?"

"Well, you finished college and got your diploma. Ang kaylangan mo na lang, mag sikap mag trabaho."

I sighed. "I told you, wala pa sa isip ko 'yan. Hindi ko pa nakikita ang sarili ko na magtrabaho hindi lang sa company niyo kundi sa kahit saan."

"But you're not getting any younger, Arden. You need to start building for your future. I understand you're not bothered kasi sustentado ka ng ama mo. Pero dear, hindi habang buhay nandiyan siya para buhayin ka. Hindi rin maganda na habang buhay kang babansagan na mayaman lang dahil sa magulang."

My mother's lecture went for hours until dinner. She got tired why they left. Kung hindi pa siya pagod, sigurado na hindi pa siya matatapos sa pangaral niya.

Alam ko rin naman ang punto niya. Believe me, naiintindihan ko lahat. I just don't find yet my initiative. O baka dahil hindi ko pa talaga matukoy ang landas na tatahakin ko.

She's exactly on point with this one thing though. Hindi habang buhay nandiyan ang magulang para sa'yo. I didn't appreciate that line not until it finally happen to me.