Chapter 16: Unwanted feelings

"Yo! The Gangster Queen!"

I cringed when Zeon announced me. Naglingunan ang mga tao sa akin pero bumalik din sila sa kanilang mga ginagawa. Me being here is just nothing. Like just the usual days. Back when I was extremely active.

I admit I become lay low for a while but that is because I got busy with my normal life. Anton and I went out of town for a week. Ngayon lang ako nakabalik.

"You look old. Masiyado ka na bang stress sa mamahalin mong eskwelahan?" ngumisi ako.

Gusot ang kaniyang bulaklakin na polo habang naka unbutton naman ang ibabaw na butones nito. I waived the bartender. I waited him 'til he served me with scotch.

Ngumiwi ako. Damn! How long did I not taste this?

"A lot are going on inside. You? I heard you rarely come here."

"Got busy with my normal life outside."

Ngumisi siya. "It seems everyone is just going away, hm? Hindi na rin nagpupunta rito si Hades."

"Is he still alive?" natanong ko.

Kumpara sa aming dalawa, buhay ni Hades ang mas nasa delikadong sitwasyon. Marami siyang kaaway na handa siyang patayin, and that same goes for him. He kills and leaves you like a dead rat. Hindi nga ako magugulat kung mabalitaan ko na lang na patay na siya.

"I heard his mess not so long ago. Lots of dead gangsters. Couldn't blame him. His girl got kidnapped."

That made my jaw dropped for like what the actual fuck.

"That's serious!"

Nag kibit balikat si Zeon. "That man got enemies. He should not have introduced his girl to anyone. He knows what at stake."

"Of course! I mean, but kidnapping? That's overboard, Zeon."

"Everyone wants to survive, Queen."

Bigla ko tuloy naalala si Anton. Paano kung siya naman ang mapahamak dahil sa mga kalaban ko? Hindi ko yata kakayanin. Baka totoo na makakapatay nga talaga ako. Wala akong pakialam kung anong mangyari pagtapos.

But the thought of him covered in blood.. binura ko agad sa isipan ang mga ideya. Natatakot ako.

"Kapag nangyari sa akin 'yan, makakapatay rin ako."

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. "Except that you have nothing to protect."

"Doesn't mean it will not happen."

If there's one thing you should be afraid of, that is someone who's got nothing to lose. Hindi sila natatakot sa kahit na anong mangyari. Those are the people who fight not to survive, but to feed their thirst for blood.

Zeon Smith is the strongest gangster even I am sure it would be hard to defeat him. But I feel like he's not just some gangster. That school where he's in, whatever he's doing there... I'm hearing whispers.

After all, Frontier Academy is never a secret to anyone. I once question the legalities of that place given how they house dangerous people there but well, I extremely understand the definition of power.

We the richest may have the money and everything but theirs is different. Parehas 'man kami na mayayaman pero ibang mundo ang nilalakaran nila.

I break the law, money will save me. Them? They bend the law without even lifting a damn cent.

Naalala ko na naman ang nangyari sa girlfriend ni Hades. Ayoko na mangyari sa amin 'yun pero hindi pwede na alisin ko ang posibilidad. Mahirap sa akin itong iniisip ko pero... mukha yata na kaylangan kong mamili. This life or him. Ano ang mas matimbang sa akin?

Hindi na rin ako nag tagal sa lair. Ali is not replying to my texts kaya nag desisyon ako na puntahan na lang siya sa opisina. Hindi na rin ako nahirapan makapasok dahil kilala na ako ng employees niya. What happened last time was quite a scene although it embarrass me to be introduced that way.

"Good evening, ma'am!"

Ngumiti ako sa sexy na babae na napagalaman kong secretary ni Anton. I noticed it's seven thirty in the evening already.

"May meeting pa ba siya?"

"Yes ma'am. He's with someone inside. Gusto niyo po ba na sabihin kong nandito na kayo?" alanganin siyang ngumiti.

"Hindi na. Hihintayin ko na lang siyang matapos."

Naupo muna ako sa gilid kung saan may mahabang couch for visitors. I crossed my arms and closed my eyes. Ayoko sanang timbangin ang relasyon namin dalawa para masukat sa akin kung ano ang mas mahalaga.

I would have to take a risk either way.

If I choose my life, I would be sad and broken without him. I don't think I could live happily after that. If I choose him and he left me eventually, well, I would be wrecked to thousand. Hindi na ako makakabalik pa sa dati kong buhay kung sakali 'man na mangyari to.

I will be stuck doing nothing or maybe taking over my father's company would change my life.. pero ewan ko. Hindi ko pa talaga nakikita ang future ng buhay ko. I hate looking forward to things I am not yet even sure of its certainty.

I'm the type of person who sticks to the present and see where thing goes. I am a risk taker ever since. Basta gagawin o ginagawa ko 'to. Wala na akong pakialam sa mangyayari pagtapos.

Ito ang unang beses na inisip ko ang mga maaari na mangyari. Either one of it surely pains me. Ngayon pa lang na iniisip ko na, nasasaktan na ako. Masiyado na ba akong nag o-over think?

I heard somebody laughed. Medyo malakas ito kaya napadilat ako ng mata. Pag tingin ko sa orasan ko, quarter to nine na. I gritted my teeth. Ang tagal naman nilang matapos?!

I look at Ali's secretary but she's busy attending to phone calls. I sighed. Uuwi na lang ako. Pero sakto naman pag tayo ko, bumukas ang pinto ng opisina ni Ali. Lumabas don ang matangkad na babae. Her black curly hair and complete office suite made me look at her. Isang tingin pa lang, alam mong katulad siya nila Anton.

Is she a client?

Natigilan siya ng mag tama ang mata namin. I am about to smile pero nagtaka ako ng ngumisi siya sa akin. She then look at me head to foot.

"You must be Arden Cojuangco," she said.

Tumango ako. "Yes—"

"The famous gangster who puts Ali's name to the mud."

Nanigas ako bigla. Nalunok ko ang laway ko sa hindi malaman na dahilan. I'm usually the who-cares person but I can't help but feel.. something. I couldn't name it. O baka ayaw ko lang.

"I'm Giselle, his ex fiancee."

I forced myself to smile, because I want to be polite. I'm already a disgrace to my name. Ayoko ng dagdagan pa lalo 'yun kung ipapakita ko ang ugali ko rito.

"Nice to meet you, Giselle."

"Did you wait? You should have knocked, or were you allowed to?" natawa siya. "Anton and I were busy catching up. It's been years since I come home. We miss each other kaya natagalan."

"Not really. Halos kararating ko lang din naman. Tapos na ba kayo?"

"Yes, we spent hours talking I get tired so..."

"Hindi ka niya ihahatid? How rude of him. Don't worry, I will talk to him." nawala ang ngiti sa mukha niya. I smiled. Naglakad na ako para lagpasan siya. Baka hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko at matagasan ko siya.

I clenched my fist to stop my chest from feeling something crazy. Ang sabi ko, ayokong pangalanan 'to pero kusa na siyang lumalabas sa isip ko. She's beautiful. They look good together. Insecure my ass.

I knocked. Hinintay ko na magsalita siya bago ko buksan ang pinto. Nadatnan ko siyang nag aayos ng tie niya. Napansin ko rin ang gusot sa polo niya. Nagulat siya ng makita ako.

"What's with your face? May nahuli ba ako?" I locked the door when I went inside.

"No. What are you talking about? Hindi ka nagsabi na pupunta ka. Sinundo sana kita sa baba."

"I texted you when I arrived here, Antonius." mapakla kong sabi.

Dinampot agad niya ang phone na nasa drawer para tignan ang texts ko. Naupo ako sa couch para magpahinga. Ang haba ng byahe ko makapunta lang dito. Bumili na lang kaya ako ng condo sa malapit?

"7— shit! Kanina ka pa nandito?"

I look at his face, bored. He utter some curses. Lumapit agad siya para tabihan ako.

"Baby, you know that you can always come in. Bakit naghintay ka pa?"

"Anton, you are working. Do you really expect me to just barge in here with your clients?" halos pumait ang huling salita, clients? Hah!

"So what? I wouldn't mind. You are my girlfriend. You have all the rights to barge in my office."

His telephone rang. Tumayo siya para sagutin ito. I also heard him order foods for us. Buti naman kasi gutom ako. Hindi talaga ako kumakain kapag kikitain ko siya kasi gusto ko nga na sabay kami.

"So, I met your ex fiancee. Magaling ka talagang pumili. Maganda siya. Bakit hindi natuloy ang kasal?"

He sighed. "I'm sorry. I told her to leave because I'm busy but she kept staying."

"Hindi mo sinagot ang tanong ko."

He looked scared. I even saw him gulped. Bumuntong hininga siya bago sumandal sa couch.

"I tried to make things work for us until I realized it would never work so I called off the engagement."

"That's not what I heard. Mahal mo siya kaya inaya mo siyang magpakasal."

"Iyan ang gusto nilang paniwalaan. The things between us, it was arranged baby. I let my parents decide for my marriage because I wasn't really a believer of it. Gusto ko lang noon mapalago lahat ng pinaghirapan ko,"

"My parents were a product of a successful pragmatic marriage so I thought, maybe we could work. I tried. I really do. But I can't really see my future with her."

Humarap siya sa akin. I let him hold and intertwined our hands. His eyes look soft and calm.

"You is different. I told you many times that. Naramdaman ko sayo lahat ng hindi ko naramdaman noon. I consider you a challenge before. Guess that turn sideways for me." he chuckled.

Umirap ako. "Hindi naman pala siya minahal, kung umasta kanina parang iiwanan mo ako dahil nagbalik siya. Warn your girl not to mess with me, Antonius." nang gigil na naman ako.

"I know. You are my strong woman. I know you can take care of her. Like how you beat those boys." he smirked.

"And let your parents hate me more? I know they like her so much."

He sighed. "Ikaw ang gusto ko. I am a grown up now. I can definitely fight for what I want. Ang mahalaga, tayong dalawa."

"Ew. Napaka cheesy mo naman."

He bark in laughter. "You cold gangster!"

We were disturbed by a knock. Pumasok ang staff nila from kitchen pushing a cart. Mukhang dito na nga yata kami mag didinner. Kung sabagay, anong oras na rin.

Hinatid ako ni Anton sa bahay. Nasasanay na nga yung driver niya na imaneho ang sasakyan ko kasi kapag magkasama kami, sa sasakyan ni Anton ako nakasakay. Past twelve na nang makarating ako sa bahay. Hindi na rin makakabalik si Anton sa Metropolitan dahil masiyado ng malayo. Buti na lang ay may malapit silang mansion hindi kalayuan dito sa lugar.

Pag akyat ko sa taas, parang may narinig akong nagtatalo. My parents rarely fought so hearing them like this made me curious. Lumapit ako sa kwarto nila para maki chismis. Baka may babae si Papa? If that happens, baka bugbugin ko na talaga siya.

"Lary, please listen! We have to report this! Hindi na 'to biro!"

"Nagawa ko na, Natasha. They are investigating it. I trust the authorities to handle this. It's gonna be fine."

"Fine? Pang ilan na 'to!"

Naaninag ko si Ismael na nakatayo sa pinto ng kwarto niya. Mukhang nagising siya sa ingay ng dalawa kaya nilapitan ko agad ang kapatid para ipasok siya sa kwarto niya.

"Matulog ka na ulit. May pasok ka pa bukas."

"Are they fighting ate?"

"Yes, Ismael. Wag mo alalahanin 'yun. It's perfectly normal for our parents to fight. Sometimes, we don't agree to each other right?"

He nodded. Humikab ang kapatid ko kaya nahawa rin ako. Binalutan ko siya ng kumot pagkahiga niya. I kissed his forehead.

"Nyt, ate."

"Good night too, Ismael. Sweet dreams hmm?"

I turned the lights off bago ako lumabas at bumalik sa kwarto ko. Tumigil na rin magtalo ang dalawa kaya hinayaan ko na lang.

But I should have known back then... I should have pay attention more about their constant fights. I should have done something... when he's still alive.