"The question is not how to get cured, but how to live" (Joseph Conrad)

NOUR'S POV

The exact moment I ask Rémy why he wanted to see me, Renan starts walking in our direction with two beers in in his hands. Rémy curses and quickly gives me a small enveloppe, gesturing for me to hide it in my cloak. I can't help but feel satisfied at the idea that he doesn't tell his boyfriend everything. It's a very childish thought, especially when his boyfriend obviously knows him much more than I will ever do. It makes me feel a bit sad. I don't think I'll ever be this close to anyone again.

But that's fine. I'm not a people person, unlike the bubbly little thing sitting in front of me. I low-key understand why Rémy fell in love with him. Renan looks like the kind of sunny person who always brings joy wherever he goes. They are probably in a healthy, loving relationship - which is more than I could ever give to someone.

"So, you're Amine's little brother, right?", Renan asks me with a friendly smile. Does he even stops smiling?

"Yup. Although it's not the main reason for my ever-increasing popularity"

"Oh. What it is, then?"

Play it nice, Nour. I thought you wanted Rémy to like you, even a little?

"It's simple really. I'm a man-whore."

Well done, Nour. Why are you always like this? Don't make yourself even freakier than you already are.

Renan starts laughing, but his laugh quickly fades in front of my dead-serious expression. There's a silence and I can tell that Renan is uncomfortable. Rémy sighs and starts questionning Renan about his day, while rubbing his thigh in a soothing way. They speak between them for a few minutes, ignoring me completely until Renan gets up. He kisses his boyfriend tenderly on the lips before turning to me:

"I have to go, I'm actually working tonight. It was a pleasure meeting you, Nour."

"The pleasure was definitely shared."

He nodds with an hesitant expression, probably wondering if I'm making fun of him - which I am, duh, before grabbing his bag and walking toward the front door. The minute he's gone, Rémy's eyes fall on me, making me suddenly feel like a trapped animal.

He must be so mad. I wait for his next venomenous words, but he suprises me when he grabs his bottle of beer instead, looking content with sipping it in silence. He doesn't say anything, looking quite pensive and I am the one to break the silence.

"Look", I start, "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"Oh, come on, are you drunk already? I didn't want to be rude. I'm sorry for what I said to little Yoann."

"His name is Renan. Can't you remember a single name? Besides, it doesn't matter."

"Oh, so you're not mad?"

"No, I'm not. I don't care what you said"

"Why is that so?"

I don't know why I'm still asking. I must be a bit of a masochist. I know probably won't like his answer, but I still ask. He is gonna tell me that he couldn't care less about me, so it doesn't matter what I do or say, as long as he doesn't get to see me too often. He is going to tell me that everyone - his boyfriend included- already knows that I'm an obnoxious little b-

"I don't care, because I think most of the time you don't speak your mind" he explains with a casual tone and I almost choke on what's left of my drink in surprise. "Nobody knows what the real Nour thinks."

"Oh, so now there are two of us?" I ask, trying to play it cool. "Like Dr Jekyll and Mister Hyde?"

"Not exactly", he replies calmly, "because nobody ever met the good Nour. I still want to believe in his existence, though. Or maybe your family did meet him, but it was a long time ago. You want people to think of you as an easy guy, if not shallow, who is sometimes funny but mostly obnoxious. I don't know why you do it, though" he adds, looking at me more intently.

I start squirming on my chair, until I realise he is trying to analyse all of my gestures and expressions. God, I need to get out of here.

"And how do you know?" I challenge him.

"Pardon?"

"How do you know I'm not telling the truth? How do you know that there's more in me than what meets the eye?"

God, Nour, shut the fuck up. Stop having this conversation right now. Find a good excuse and go home before it's too late.

"Well, for instance, I know you lied about being a man-whore"

"How comes?"

"Because I overheard you saying to your friend Becca that you didn't like sex"

My heart starts beating loudly and when I reply, my voice sounds more feeble than I would like it to.

"How could you hear us? You weren't even there!"

"Oh, Nour" he sighs. I was at the other corner of the pub, but I could still follow your conversation. I'm a shifter too, and you know we have a very good hearing"

I feel so stupid. He heard that, and now he is going to pity me. Or worst, he'll just think I'm a freak, because everyone likes sex, right? Everyone is supposed to like sex, especially young men. We're always depicted as horny persons who just want to get laid as often as possible, no feelings involved.

I realise my hands are now slightly shaking, and quickly hide them under the table, praying that he hasn't notice.

"Maybe I said that, but you're wrong, you know. I AM a man-whore. I have sex more often than I wish. I've had plenty of sex. Heck, if I wasn't talking to you right now, I would probably be banging someone in the restroom."

He frowns, probably trying to assess my sincerity before his look turns into one of confusion.

"I don't understand", he replies with a soft tone which makes my eyes burn for some reason. "Why would you have sex so often if you don't like it?"

I can't tell him the truth, so instead of lying, I ask him a question of my own, with a much more defensive tone than intended.

"Do you like sex, then? Don't tell me you do! I don't see why anyone would like it"

"Of course I do", he replies with a surprised tone. "Sex with someone you love is an amazing th-"

"Shut up!" I yell. "Stop lying, I don't believe you. It's not an amazing thing, It's a vile, degrading thing and it always hurts so much, I HATE IT!

People are silent around us after my little outburst, and I suddenly realise that they probably heard everything I've just said. There are a few laughs here and there and I can feel my cheeks heating, as I fall back in my chair in mortification. The conversations resume soon enough but I still feel very ashamed. Why did I loose control and started yelling my most intimate thoughts in public?

A minute or two I pass and I'm still looking at my glass, not willing to confront Rémy anytime soon.

"Nour?"

I don't reply. I don't want to talk, and I don't want to see his smug expression. I want to go back to the flat and never go out again.

"Nour, look at me" he says in a neutral tone.

I don't obey. I would never obey to him. Does he think I'm a four years old child he can boss around?

"Nour", he commands a bit more firmly. "I said look at me."

I look at him.

He grabs my hand, startling me. Great, so now there's no doubt he had noticed how badly I am shaking. I want to look away but find myself unable to do so. His skin feels warm and soft against mine. His big brown eyes are set on me, and there's some warmth in them as well. He has never looked at me with so much affection. In fact, most of the time he doesn't look at me at all.

"It doesn't have to, you know" he eventually says, after clearing his throat.

"Pardon?" I ask, a bit lost.

"It doesn't have to hurt. Sex. It's not supposed to be degrading, or vile."

"It doesn't matter", I mutter. "Because I want it to"

"What?"

"I want it to hurt. It's fine, I can take it. I like it. I like the pain"

"I don't think you do", he whispers with a knowing expression, which honestly pisses me off. "I think you're just afraid to give in control. I think you're afraid to loose yourself in pleas-"

"Okay, time to go!" I yell, interrupting him with a cheerful expression - God, I probably sound crazy right now. It was nice to finally share a drink with you after years of living under the same roof but now I have to go. I have an okay tv show to watch, about a psychopath who loves a dumb-as-fuck girl. He killed people for her and my new friend Becca finds it romantic, can you believe it? I think people just use love as an excuse for their bad actions. It has very little, if nothing to do with love"

"Nour..."

"Tell little Matthy I desperately miss him too! I'm sure he can't sleep at night without me!"

"Wait, Nour! I can drive you home! You don't seem too well! You're - you're shaking, Nour!"

He starts getting up but I'm faster. I'm already at the door when I hear him yelling after me. When I arrive in front of my flat, he's nowhere to be seen.

Phew. That was a close one.

REMY'S POV

It doesn't take me more than two seconds before I decide to follow him to his flat, only the guy is quick and by the time I reach my car, he's nowhere to be seen. I ask Amine for his brother's adress and fortunately, he sends it to me straight away. I think he is worried about his brother too.

I can't help but think about our conversation. I probably shouldn't have asked him such a personal question, but it's the first time since his mum died that he actually opened up to me. I'm really starting to wonder if something or someone hasn't hurt him deeper than I would have thought. But he says he's fine, so he probably is. After all, he's always had many friends and lovers - people he can talk to.

I was so keen on solving the mystery that Nour is that I didn't even talk to him about the content of the letter. But then, I guess it's better this way. You're never too careful, and it's better not to discuss such important topics in public.

I knock twice on the door.

"Nour? Nour, are you there?"

I wait for a minute. I can't hear anything, he's not under the shower. So, why is he not answering? Unless he's asleep, but I have to make sure he is alright.

"Nour? If you don't answer, I'm gonna have to kick down your door - your dad probably won't appreciate it!"

He doesn't answer. "Sorry, poor door" I mumble, before kicking it open.

I don't appreciate the sight. Not at all. Nour is laying on the floor, seemingly unconscious. He's smelling weird, the same kind of weird odour than last time, after he broke the guy's nose at the party. I hurry to his side, relieved to find out that he's still breathing. I start dialling the hospital's number, before realising it might not be a good idea, given Nour's supernatural nature and the current tensions between humans and shifters. So, I call Amine instead.

"Rémy?"

"Thank God, Amine! It's your brother"

"Nour? What happened?"

"I found him laying down on the floor, unmoving"

"What? Is he - Shit, shit, shit. I'm coming right now!"

"Calm down, it might not be as bad as it sounds. He's still breathing and he doesn't show any external sight of injury. I have my car, I'm bringing him to the house. Is Matthias here?"

"Yes"

"Perfect. He has studied medicine, he will be able to help. Prepare the bed for him, I am on my way"

"Please, be careful. Oh, God, it's my fault. I shouldn't have sent him away. He's my little brother, I - "

" Later, Amine. We'll talk later. Don't worry, we'll find out what he has."

I look down at the man laying on the ground, before carefully gathering him up in my arms. In situations like this, I'm glad to be a shifter, because otherwise I would never have been able to carry him so easily - the guy is quite massive!

I sit him on the passenger seat, before sitting behind the wheel. I sure hope that we won't cross a police patrol, as they would find Nour's current state more than suspicious.

I try not to drive too quickly so as not attract unwanted attention, but I can't wait to get home. Nour has starts mumbling incoherent words and it does nothing to reassure me. I hope we'll find out what's wrong with him but even if he knew, I doubt he would tell us. He doesn't even confide in his own brother.

Somehow, the biggest challenge won't be to help him, but to help him despite himself.

A/N: Sounds like poor Nour is going home, and we still don't know what the letter is about! Also, I'm curious: do some of you have any ideas what animal he might be?

If you have any particular wishes/desires regarding this story and the characters in it, please let me know and I'll see what I can do!

Have a good day/night and stay tune for the next chapters! :)

xoxoxo

#hasnoshame