"I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it?" (Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451)

NOUR'S POV

I hardly slept last night. I was dwelling on my last encounter with Jim, until I finally made a decision: I wouldn't do it anymore. Sex, I mean. I tried sexual abstinence in the past, only to get so sick that I eventually broke down and took several lovers in one night. It was one of the most awful and repulsive night in my entire life. I was very lucky that my family never found out how I miraculously healed. 

I was seventeen at the time and I lasted two weeks, but I am pretty sure I can go without it for a longer time now. I am older, and I just had sex with Jim. The thing is, I am  tired of being a slave to my own body. I am tired of using people for something I don't enjoy in the slightest. I have had enough of the pain, the sore muscles and the burning showers afterwards. 

"... so I think he might ask me out tonight. What should I do?"

I look up, suddenly realising that four girls have taken a seat at my table and are talking to each other in hushered tones while making excited gestures. They are probably first-year students, based on their faces and enthusiasm. That's my luck! I came to the library because I longed for peace and silence and now I have to endure the sight of their happiness. 

"I don't know, Eva. That's up to you, I guess. What are you guys going to wear?"

Apparently, there will be a huge party tonight in my university, as it is always the case the last Friday before Winter Break. I could go, but most people go with their friends and I don't want to spend the night feeling like an intruder at a cocktail party. If my housemates knew of my inner turmoil, they would have a good laugh. To them, I am a cocky and overly confident bastard who needs to be taught a good lesson, not a shy crybaby. 

I am good at pretending, though, so I guess I could still go. The thing is, I never attended one of these social events. It might be hard to believe, because I don't fit the stereotypical picture of the lonely student, who is almost always a virgin and prefers to stay indoors. I talk to people, sometimes I even make them laugh but that's it; it never goes further. I pretend that I don't mind, I tell them that I have a social life outside uni. 

"I don't know, but I am not going to wear heels or even a dress! I just want to feel comfortable"

"Anyway, I was thinking that we could go to a pub before going to the party. We could go around 7pm, for the happy hour."

I have never understood what was this "happy hour" that people keep mentionning, especially since the time keeps changing: sometimes it's at 6, sometimes at 7. Maybe there are celebrations of some kind in the pubs. But if you go there feeling down, does it still count as a happy hour? And why limit happy to an hour?

"Do as you want, as long as you come with us, Rose."

"Of course, I'm coming. I don't know a single person who doesn't plan to attend this party."

I do. 

~~

Everything is unusually quiet when I get back home. Where are they? Then, I remember that it's Friday Fucking night. Of course! They probably went out together to have a drink. Crap. What do I usually do on Friday night? Oh, right, I either go to Jim's place, or I stay late in the library - but tonight, since it's winter break, it closed at 6pm.

Not knowing what to do with myself, I fix myself a drink. Why not have a little party by myself? Then, I quickly have another one. And then another. Then, a very bad idea comes through my mind: why not do a little exploration? I have never been invited in Rémy's bedroom so I guess it's time I invite myself. 

I carefully open his bedroom door - the fool did not lock it. It might mean that he has nothing to hide, how boring. Then again, he is a shifter, so he necessarily has things to hide. We all learn to become professional liars at a very young age. 

That's the first thing I notice: books. Books everywhere. Mostly 20th French theatre - but of course, that makes sense, since he told me his thesis was about Bernard-Marie Koltès. There's no doubt this guy is a nerd. Unfortunately, there is a password on his laptop and I am not a professional hacker. There are also several cups on his shelf, from judo competitions and pictures of him on the walls, with Amine, Matthias, his parents and even one with Yoan, his ex-boyfriend. I guess he misses him. How sweet. 

As I get closer to his bed, I smell a nice odour, a mixture of soap and the bastard's unique fragance. Crap, what's happening to me? Being so close to him in the dojo really messed up with my mind. I lie on his bed and absent-mindedly start poking on his pillow. His bed feels so much more comfortable than my own, even though I know they are basically the same. And above all, it smells so, so good. 

~~

"Wakey wakey, sleepin beauty"

I instantly sit up and blink a few times, until I recognise Amine's face. Shit, I actually fell asleep and now they are back. 

"I am sorry to wake you up but we are throwing a small party tonight, and I thought it would be better to wake you up now" Amine continues, showing no signs of noticing my distress. " A few people are already here. There's going to be Sam, Audrey, Rachid, Theo and- "

"Amine" I interrupt. "Does Rémy know that I have been sleeping in his bed?"

"He does" he replies, confirming my fears.  "What were you even doing here, by the way? And why do you reek of alcohol? "

"And what did he say?" I reply to his question by one of my own. 

"He said you were probably sneaking around and trying to find some blackmail material, until you fell asleep because you're a mediocre detective. 

"That's a ludicrous idea" I laugh uneasily. 

"Yeah, I think it is" he nods, although he doesn't look very convinced. "Anyway, I better go downstairs, the guests should arrive soon. Of course, you're more than welcomed to join us at any time. "

I just nod absentmindedly and he hesitates, looking at me as if he wants to add something. For a few seconds I think he is about to pat me on the back or give me a quick hug but in the end he just gives me an uneasy smile and quickly exits the room. I sigh, feeling slightly down now. He is trying, at least. It's all my fault, if Amine and I became strangers to each other. 

After taking a long hot shower and putting a clean shirt on, I slowly walk down the stairs. I Don't feel too good. For some reason, my ass badly hurts so I will just try to stand up for the entire night. Hmm, sounds like a nice program!

There are more people than I thought there would be. They are making way too much noise, talking loudly and laughing, when I am pretty sure that they have nothing to say and aren't being funny at all - but that's what alcool is intended for: to make them forgive that the whole world's a stage and - okay, now I am being the nerdy one. 

A girl whistles as I pass a group of four people and I can feel myself blushing. Amine and Rémy are nowhere to be seen, although I quickly locate Matthias, sitting with two girls on the couch. He must still be mad at me, because he doesn't even smile when our eyes meet but instead whispers something to the girl sitting on his right. She laughs and gives me a nasty look. I choose to ignore them, just as I decide to ignore the sudden pang in my chest and instead go to the kitchen, because I badly need a drink. 

As I start heading back toward my bedroom, a large hand suddenly falls on my shoulder, almost making me fall in the stairs. I curse and quickly turn, now facing a muscular blond-hair guy who used either too much or not enough shampoo. Much to my displeasure, he is looking at me with a smug expression.

"What do you want?" I ask, not bothering to hide my annoyance. 

"I told him I would find you and I did" he says triumphaly, not fazed out by my aggressive tone. 

"Great, so now my brother is invinting creepy guys with bad manners inside of our flat"I comment, although I feel slightly anxious now. What the fuck is he talking about?

"My brother was right" he sighs, looking a bit mad now. "You are a feisty one. Though, you weren't so brave a few moments ago. You were quite... passive. Then again, if you're so brave, why did you quit your job without further notice? My big bro was so disappointed, you know. He came to have a good time with you and you weren't there"

"What the fuck do you mean? And how do you know I quit my job?" I ask, already dreading his answer.

"Well, I went to the pub and Lewis told me you quit. He was a bit sad because apparently you did not tell him goodbye properly."

"Look, you - "

"Sounds like you're good at running away. That's what Ethan told me. He said you put some drugs in his drink and when he woke up, you were nowhere to be seen."

I know my face is paler now. "You are... you are..."

"I'm Axel, Ethan's little brother, yeah. My brother really wants to give a nice pounding to that tight ass of yours. He sees you as a challenge - you know how lions like to play a bit with their preys. It's nice to play hard to get, Nour, but I know you're just a little slut. What animal are you, by the way? I bet you are a depraved little bunny."

Then, maybe because I feel like crap and that I have anger issues, I punch his square in the nose, hearing a satisfying crack. I will probably regret it later, but damn that feels good. Who is the little bunny, now?

Crap, I think as the big guy jumps backward, yelling that I am dead man and touching his bleeding nose, Amine is going to kill me. 

Sending my best whishes for the festive season!

Not quite sure I'll be able to update next Sunday (with the New Year  preparations plus going back to England) but I'll try!

Thank you for reading this story!  If you have time, I would love to read your thoughts/suggestions. 

Take care,

xxxxx

#hasnoshame