"Crazy people are the perfect subjects. They talk, nobody listens" (Shutter Island, by Dennis Lehane)

A/N: If you haven't seen this movie, I'd say go for it, it's sickkkk *_* It stars Leonardo Di Caprio as the MC, if you need any more incentives ;)

Warning: Self-harm. Please don't do it, IT NEVER WORKS. Learning how to love yourself is more difficult but much more rewarding. Anyway, enough with the lecture, Ghandi. Hope you still enjoy the chapter! 

NOUR'S POV

I don't hurt myself when I fail at something. 

I hurt myself when I almost win. 

When happiness seems completely out of reach, I don't feel so bad, because I know there isn't much I can do. However, when I almost reach happiness, but can't grab it and lose everything in the process, that's what hurts the most. 

The first time I cut myself I was in high school. I had a severe crush on Adrian, one of my classmates. He was the cliché of the nerd, a scrawny guy who blushed way too easily and seemed on the verge of collapsing every time he was forced to speak in class, although he was one of the top students. 

I guess he was bold too, in a sense, as he dared confessing his love to me. When he did, my heart exploded with the joy to find my love returned. I wanted to grab him and kiss him senseless. I wanted to take his hand and take him out on a date. I wanted to make him smile. I wanted to do all of these things but that's when I suddenly remembered where I was. 

I was in high-school, aka Hell on Earth. A place where tough guys don't date skittish shrimps, especially the males. 

So, I destroyed my only chance at happiness by rejecting him rather harshly. I can still remember his brown eyes filling with unshed tears.

Three months later, our head teacher told us that Adrian had been transferred to another school. A few days later, I learnt that he used to be badly bullied and that's why his parents decided to move out of town. 

I instantly knew I would never see him again. I could have make us both happy by simply following my heart's command but instead, I was stuck in a place where none knew the real me, where none really cared about me and I still had two years to go before going to college. But of course, I kinda deserved it. 

I was so angry at myself. The worst part was to know that even if I could go back in time, I would probably still have done the same, because I was a coward like that. 

I saw red. I wanted to scream in agony, but I knew that if my dad saw me, he would buy me a single ticket to the psychiatric institution. I am hardly exaggerating. That's what my dad does with his problems: he sends them away.

So, instead of screaming, I cut and God, it was such a relief at first. Obviously, once I was done, I felt like complete, utter shit. I was mortified. 

Right now, I want to do much worst than cutting myself. I'm currently standing in front of Rémy's closed bedroom. He doesn't know I am here but I can hear him talking on the phone. 

Believe it or not, he is talking to Renan. 

I don't know what they're saying, but Rémy doesn't seem mad at his ex boyfriend. Their conversation must be pretty serious, because they've been talking in hushed voices for a good twenty minutes.

What are they saying? Oh, love, I missed you so much. I can't wait to have you back in my arms?

Anyway, probably something very cheesy.  

I should have known it would only be a matter of time before he goes back to him. 

Nobody wants a broken toy. I tried to act normal around him for the last couple of days since I learnt the truth about the lion. I even managed to resist the temptation of self-harm. Rémy kept asking me if I needed help and I so desperately wanted him to believe I was fine. I didn't want him to see me like a victim. I look nothing like a victim, to begin with. 

However, he apparently can see the weakling lurking behind the tough exterior. He doesn't want me anymore, I should have know. Why should I resist the temptation any longer? 

If I hadn't fucked up once again, getting drunk enough to not realise I was being raped, Rémy would still want me. 

With that in mind, I silently return to my bedroom.

Second drawer, hidden under my socks and underwears. 

I haven't touch it in a while. Hello again, old friend. You knew it was only a matter of time before I started craving you. 

I snort, because I'm being a drama-queen, really. I'm holding a razor, not a hatchet. I'm not going to kill myself.  I want to live, I think. I just want to stop feeling so overwhelmed for a little while. 

Self-control is what I need more than anything. 

How could I describe the feel of the razor slowly sliding against my thigh, breaking the skin? It hurts like hell but it's a familiar pain. It's a pain that can be controlled. Physical pain can make the mental pain go away. My right thigh is turning reddish, it burns like hell. 

Then I stop, before I do too much damage. Light scars are proofs enough of my messed-up mind. I don't need to puncture an artery. 

See? It's all about control and I've had enough practice.

"Nour? What are you doing? I need to tell you something."

The unexpected sound of his voice makes me jump backward and I curse out loud as my lower back hits the corner of my desk. 

"Nour? What's happening? You sound like you're in pain". 

Shit, he is getting worried. Or he is pretending to. 

"I'm fine" I manage through gritted teeth, but of course I am not being very convincing. 

A few seconds later, the handle of the door is shaking furiously but thankfully the door stayed closed. 

I sigh in relief upon realising that even in my previous freaked-out state, I haven't forgotten to lock the door. 

Well done, myself. 

However, my relief is short-lived as I hear the sound of a key being turned in the lock. 

The motherfucker. How did he manage to get a spare key? 

Hum, let me guess. My dear roomies all think I'm crazy, so of course they made a spare key for my bedroom behind my back. They somehow figured out how pathetic I could be. Maybe Matthias told Rémy about the scars, too. As long as they didn't tell Amine anything. 

The door slowly open, before I even have time to put my pants back. I looked up to see his horrified expression. 

"Nour? What the hell?"

RENAN'S POV

I hang up the phone with mixed feelings. 

First, it was weird talking to Rémy after weeks of complete silence from my side. We didn't once mention our break-up. I could tell Rémy was really worried about Nour and I have to admit it hurts a bit to realize he cares so much about him. 

But then, I guess Rémy and I weren't made for each other. That's what Oliver more or less implied, when we talked about it. Will said the same thing, although he went for a less subtle approach: "Don't mistake lust for love, chick. Maybe you loved him, but he clearly didn't. Shit like that happens all the time, and weeping about it under a starless sky will only gives you early wrinkles"

More importantly, now that Rémy and I decided of a plan to protect Nour and to get ride of these lions, how am I going to do it without Oli and Will knowing? I'm pretty sure that if they knew what I am about to do, they would prevent me from leaving the house. 

This plan is a bit risky, to be honest, and I'm not particularly excited about meeting up with two big lions shifters. Then again, we could not come with anything better and if Rémy is right, maybe we will soon get ride of the two biggest threats to the shifter community. Yeah, that's what Rémy told me, although he didn't give me much more details. All I know is that he will try to sneak into their houses, while I meet up with the lions in the forest. 

I already sent them a message, asking them to meet me tonight. I forced myself to press "send" before I could chicken out. They've already text me exact location of the meeting point. 

I sigh in relief upon realising that there's only Flora in the kitchen, athough Rémy and Will are probably somewhere near in the house. Since they found out that I have been in touch with the lion, they have been watching me like a couple of vultures. Thankfully, I have been careful enough to delete every message I received from him, so they didn't know what to conclude, much to their displeasure. 

"How are you doing, Renan?" Flora asks me with a kind smile. 

Finally, someone who uses my real name!

"I'm fine, Flo. Are you having dinner with us?" I inquire politely. 

"Nah, I'm going out. I have a date" she half-whispers, before winking at me. 

"You better get going now, then, before your lovelies roomies start harassing you with questions"

Flora laughs, before looking back at me with a more serious expression: "They might seem a little overbearing sometimes, especially Will, but please don't be mad at them, Renan. They really care about you, and it's the first time we're protecting a human. It's making us all a bit edgy, because of how fragile humans are."

"So, that's what it is, then?" I ask in an hesitant tone. "I'm their charity case"

"Hush, of course not, you're much more than that to them!" she retorts and her determined expression makes my heart melt a little. 

"If you say so" I mumble and she gives me a knowing look, before adding: "Be extra careful, okay Renan? Don't do anything risky, please."

"Of course, I won't" I assure her with the most honest tone I can muster, feeling like an ass for lying to her. 

"Okay, see you tomorrow, then!" she waves at me excitedly, before leaving the kitchen. 

I smile a little at how straightforward she is, before looking down at the pan of soup I'm making. An idea suddenly hits me. 

I know how I will manage to sneak out of the house without my babysitters' knowing!

I quickly go to the bathroom, where Oli hides all the good stuff, before emptying the content of the tube in two bowls. I put their bowls on the table, add the soup, then fix myself one before calling them. 

Hardly two seconds later, Will is already in the kitchen. Of course he would be, the guy is a voracious dragon when it comes to food. 

"Noooo Renan, don't tell me you've made soup. AGAIN. " he whines, true to himself. 

"You need to eat more healthily" I retort with an easy smile. 

"Not all of us are  underfed veggies" he pouts, making me laugh.

He grabs his spoon and I can feel my panic rising! He can't eat before Oli! What if he falls asleep, then Oli comes down and understands what I have been trying to achieve? They need to start eating at the same time!

"Wait" I yell and he stops, looking at me as if I've grown two heads. 

"What's wrong, chick?". 

Oh, great, now he is getting suspicious. Again. 

"You need to wait for Oli" I admonish him. 

"Why would I do that?" 

"Because it's rude to start eating first"

"Yeah, right" he snorts, before grabbing his spoon once again.

Dork. Think of something else, Renan. Quick!

"If you wait for him to come... then I'll tell you what's the deal with the lion"

He growls lowly and I instinctively take a step back. Okay, more like three or four.

"I thought you said it was a mistake, that he got your phone number at a party and tried to hit on you or some shit like that" he asks coldly, his eyes becoming a bit red. 

Although I don't think Will would ever willingly hurt me, Oli did tell me that he didn't have too much control over his wolf yet, and that I needed to be extra-careful not to piss him off. 

I glance down, before baring my throat a bit like Oli taught me. 

Who would have thought that one day I would have to act submissively in order to calm a big bad wolf? 

"I lied, okay. I'm sorry. I was scared. But I'm going to tell you everything, now" I stutter, feeling highly intimidated. 

He nods and gives my shoulder a reassuring squeeze, before sitting back on his chair, his expression softening a bit. 

"I understand you were scared, but you better tell us everything now, okay?"

I nods and he yells: "Oli! Don't make us wait any longer! I'm starving, and this little shit won't let me eat before you're here"

We hear his laugh, before he appears in front of us. He was obviously in the shower, if his wet hair and naked chest are any indications. 

He looks good and he has a great body, but what I prefer the most are his dark eyes which are constantly glistening, even when he is mad or tired. 

"Stop ogling my man and let's talk!" Will decides and I feel myself blushing. 

Oli gives me a knowing look, going as far as to wink at me when he sees my blushing cheeks, before inquiring: "What do we need to talk about?"

"Oh, you didn't know?" Will asks innocently. "Baby chick here has been hiding things from us"

"Is that true, Renan?" Oliver asks me sternly, now in a full-daddy mode. 

"Oh, come on, Oli" Will interrupts. "We knew his excuses were bull anyway"

"I need to eat, you said so yourself. So let me eat first, then we'll talk" I plead. 

Using the 'I have a eating disorder argument. I'm going to hell, I really am. 

"Bossy chick" Will comments, before eyeing his bowl of soup with a longing expression. 

"Fine, let's eat first" Oli agrees. "It's not like he's going somewhere anyway"

"Yeah, it's not like I'm going somewhere" I nod, before letting out a shaking laugh. 

What a good actor you would have make, Renan, I scold myself. However, to my greatest relief, they don't comment on my weird behaviour - I guess that one of the perks of being a weirdo all the time is that people can't tell when something's up with you. 

"Fuck, I'm tired" Oli declares and without any further warning, he lets his head fall on the kitchen table with a loud smack, making me wince in sympathy. Three seconds later, he is lightly snoring.

"Oli? Come on, you can't possibly be that tired!  Wow, I'm feeling weird, too" Will notes, before looking at me with stupor as understanding slowly dawns on him. 

"You little shit! I'm going to kill you" he groans and I can't help to tease him about it.  

"Tits for tats, remember. Your turn to say hi to the Sandman" I smile sweetly, before getting up. 

However, before I even have  time to open the front door, I'm suddenly being tackled down on the ground and a heavy weight settles down on me, preventing me to move. 

How? 

No, no, no! 

I was so close. 

A/N: So yes, we've kinda reached the darkest part of the story (honestly, are you that surprised?), but I promise it will get better soon. 

Next chapter will be Rémy's and Will's POV. 

Love yourselves xxx

#hasnoshame