⚠️ TW: This chapter includes violence, homophobic slurs, vomiting, mention of rape, and mentions of homophobic actions. Please read it if you won't be affected by it!⚠️
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Hwan continued to watch himself from the hole on the wall like he had been doing those past three days. Every time he looked out there, it played a different memory. The first one was his father screaming, the second one was him torturing Hwan, and the third one was his mother expressing her disappointment.

Seeing their faces unblurry for the first time made Hwan feel uneasy. The resemblance between his and his father's faces humanized his father in Hwan's eyes, but this only made him more furious. Every time he saw what his father looked like Hwan wanted to cut off his own face. His stomach couldn't bare to look at the reflection of his face on any surface anymore.

He tried to get his rapid breathing under control when the door opened. But this time, something was different. His father just looked at Hwan's teen version once and didn't do anything while Hwan quickly scooted himself to a corner in fear while trembling. His father grimaced like he was looking at a disgusting creature. He then turned to the door and motioned someone to come in.

Hwan's eyes grew wide in shock when a middle-aged woman entered the dark room. She was wearing tight shorts and a crop top that focused the attention on her cleavage. Hwan watched her walking up to his teen self while trembling. She squatted in front of him and placed her hands on his legs. She then shoot an uneasy look at his father, who nodded in approvement with a serious face. The woman looked at the terrified Hwan once in the face and looked down with a face that looked like she was about to cry.

"I'm sorry," she said so silent that teen Hwan could hardly hear him. "I have a family to take care of."

When she lifted her head and forcedly kissed the crying boy in front of him, Hwan gasped for air as he dropped himself to the floor and sobbed in furry.

Hwan jolted awake, covered in sweat. The second his senses come back he reached for the basin nurses leave in every room just in case and threw up vigorously. The second he thought he had had enough he remembered the things that happened to him and continued to throw up.

When he finally calmed down a bit, he pushed the button to call a nurse with his trembling hand. He was breathing rapidly and retching when two nurses came into the room. One of them took the basin to clean it and gave him a new one while the other wiped his sweat.

Ten minutes later he finally could control his breathing and sighed. He let the nurses place him in a wheelchair and take him to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth.

When that was done as well and he was back on the bed, he cleared his throat and spoke in a tired voice. "Please don't tell this to anyone. It was just a nightmare. Please. I don't want them to worry for nothing."

Even though they hesitated, they silently nodded and got out of the room after bowing silently with a small smile.

After they left, Hwan looked at the pill one of them left for his nausea and closed his eyes.

He did want to learn about his past but now, he was not as sure as he was before.

11.11

It has been three days since everything happened. Since then, Joo-Won came to every session of Hwan, just like now. Even though he was trying his best not to show it, Joo-Won could see that he was scared.

Joo-Won sat on the head part of the stretcher and helped Kyong to carry Hwan in front of him. Hwan rested his back to Joo-Won's chest as Kyong was placing the cables in silence. To show he was there, Joo-Won hugged Hwan from behind and leaned his forehead on his shoulder. Hwan suddenly felt sick with his touch but he held himself together and tried to get comfortable.

Now they were just sitting in silence, waiting for everything to be over. Joo-Won peaked at the timer on his right, eighty minutes left. He sighed and lifted his head, leaning a little forward to look at how Hwan was doing.

He was just looking at the wall, thinking about his dreams. After the first dream, he saw a few other memories the other nights as well, and every single one of them was as horrifying as the first one. His stomach no longer could bare the disgusting things his parents did to him. He felt hideous and dirty. He felt like throwing up when someone touched him now that he remembered the emotions he went through after the first time his father called a woman. That's right, he now knew that it was not a one-time thing.

But Hwan couldn't feel angry at the women that did those things to him. He couldn't find it in his heart to hold a grudge against those women who were just trying to live, especially after he heard how helpless the first woman sounded like in his dream.

To get his attention, Joo-Won hummed, just like he used to do the times he first started to visit him. Hwan blinked a few times, turned his head to him, and forced a small smile.

Joo-Won smiled too and tilted his head a bit. "Hey."

Hwan chuckled lightly and placed his hands on his arms, which made Joo-Won smile even more. "How are you holding up?"

Hwan shrugged instead of answering. Joo-Won knew he was struggling, but he kept his silence.

Another ten minutes passed in silence with Hwan digging his nails into Joo-Won's arms every ten seconds. Joo-Won buried his face to his neck and whispered how everything was going to be fine but for now, he must endure it for some more.

"Joo-Won."

Joo-Won backed away his head and looked at Hwan. When he saw his painful expression, Joo-Won couldn't help but turn his head to his leg. A flash of sudden headache made him shut his eyes as a wave of memories flashed in front of them, causing him to bite inside his cheek.

Just because he was there did not mean he was totally healed about what happened.

Hwan, who noticed the sudden change, quickly realized and tilted his face to the other side. "I'm sorry... Can we please talk?"

Joo-Won nodded and sighed. "You are not the one who should apologize." He was trying, he really was. But he was just not strong enough to look at his face and see how much in pain he was. "What would you like to talk about?"

After a few seconds of thinking, Hwan chuckled tiredly. "Why don't you tell me a bit about you and Xander?"

Joo-Won smiled and lifted his head and placed his chin on top of Hwan's head while he rested his head on Joo-Won's chest and got comfortable. He trusted Joo-Won with his whole life and being close to him didn't make him as sick as he thought it would. He just needed some time. "Of course, why not. He is two years younger than me-"

"No way. Really?" Hwan said with a fake surprised voice.

Joo-Won laughed at his reaction. "Yeah!" As they both calmed down, Joo-Won chuckled. "I guess you want to hear the unknown things huh?"

"What can I say, I'm a curious person."

"Hm okay... When he was born, I was extremely excited. While my mom was in the hospital, I was staying at home with my babysitter. When they finally came, I looked at him once, and immediately fell in love with his cuteness."

A small awe came from Hwan, which melted Joo-Won's heart.

"Every day, I used to wake up extra early, way before my mother so that I could watch him sleeping. Sometimes, he woke up because of the sound I made, and I would take care of him." He lowered his voice and whispered like he was about to reveal a huge government secret. "Don't tell anyone, but I even sometimes made noises on purpose just to wake him up so I can spend time with him."

Hwan chuckled. "Weren't you, like, two?"

"What can I say, I was born to be a big brother. Plus, I was always tall, so I had no difficulty reaching him. Well, of course with the help of a chair but you got the point."

Both of them chuckled as he could feel Hwan relaxing a bit. His nails were not digging his skin that hard.

"Okay, let's continue. For months, I did the same thing. Wake up, watch Xander, take care of him, watch him more, more, and more. I adored him so much that whenever I saw him, I couldn't help but hug and kiss him!"

"Okay, this is too much cuteness for me."

Joo-Won chuckled. "I was so happy with just him and mom... Mr. Park never even came once to see his newborn baby." He sighed, he could feel Hwan's face changing. "He was just too busy with work." He rolled his eyes. "But in reality, it was way better in that way. I could just spend as much time as I wanted with Xander."

"Joo-Won maybe-" Hwan lifted his head to look at Joo-Won and at the same time, Joo-Won lowered his head to look at him. As he did, their noses touched.

They both widened their eyes and froze, but Hwan quickly pulled himself together and looked down again. "Sorry."

"No problem at all... Should I?"

Hwan nodded in silence as he dug his nails again, a little harder this time.

Joo-Won rested his cheek on Hwan's head as he gently caressed his waist with his thumbs. "When Xander was around 10 months old, he finally came home to see his son. Mom was very happy to see him, but he was just avoiding her. He looked at Xander for only like 5 seconds, then told mom to pack his clothes. And Xander's."

Hwan knit his eyebrows in confusion. "Wait what?"

"He... He took my baby brother with him to China. Mom was begging like crazy not to take him, but he didn't care. After hours of trying, mom failed and packed his tiny clothes between her sobs. I was too young, I couldn't understand what was happening and thought he was going on a trip." Joo-Won could feel that Hwan's body was straining as he hugged him closer. He then dug his nails into his arm and silently started to scratch it. "After they were gone, I never saw him again. I waited in front of the door every day for years but, neither of them ever came." Joo-Won sighed and chuckled lightly to soften the mood. "Weird right?"

But no answer came. Instead, Joo-Won decided to just shut the fuck up and stay in silence as Hwan finally talked in a very silent tone. "What happened later?"

"I... eventually forgot. I was in high school and buried with assignments, so I had no spare time to wait in front of the door, and after years, I even forgot why I was doing it in the first place. I... I think I forgot Xander." Joo-Won closed his eyes to calm himself down, still unable to understand why Mr. Park did something like that. "Then one day, Mr. Kim came back from a business trip. It was two years ago. I just had a fight with my mom about what to cook when the door opened, and Mr. Park was standing there. I never really saw him properly, so he always had been a stranger I just knew the name of. He still is, actually. Just as my mom was about to welcome him, we saw a short boy behind him. At first, we both didn't understand who he was. Can you imagine it? Even the person who gave birth to him didn't know what he looked like because that man didn't even send her a single photo of him. He was very thin and looked very tired. He had those deep eyebags that made him look like he was literally going to pass out. We all looked at each other in silence when finally my mom understood who he was, but didn't know what to say. She just cried and tried to hug him, but he quickly dodged and backed away from us, near Mr. Kim. He was scared and confused. Just like a puppy. He didn't know neither who we were nor how to react and I am very sure that Mr. Park didn't even explain who we were."

"Why did your father-"

"Mr. Park," Joo-Won said in a monotone voice.

'Father my ass.'

"Sorry... Mr. Park did something like this..."

"I guess he liked to see us suffer. Anyways," even talking about him for a second was enough to make Joo-Won mad.

Just as he was about to continue, Hwan finally noticed he was scratching himself all along. He slowly held his hand and intertwined his fingers as he silently looked at the place he was scratching. It was covered with red spots and his skin was irritated. He put his palm on the place as he put their intertwined hands on his stomach.

Joo-Won smiled softly and muttered a thanks. After a few seconds in silence, he continued. "Xander greeted us, in Chinese at first. When he saw we were confused, he told the same in Korean this time. He told us he believed that he was my brother and mom's son, and his name was Xander. He was practically a stranger, just like we were to him. Mom cried for days after this, but thankfully she got over it." He smiled slightly. "He was mostly scared of our reaction to him being trans since I completely forgot his birth gender, which I responded with coming out as bisexual. It was the first time I saw him smile. At first, mom was a bit confused about all of this, but she got used to it as time passed." When he heard Hwan slightly chuckling, he smiled in relief. "Even though we know each other for only two years and a couple months, we grew closer and closer every day." He smiled when he remembered everything they have been through together. Xander was Joo-Won's everything.

"It was a lovely story." Hwan looked at Joo-Won with the smile that never failed to melt his soft heart. Joo-Won just wanted to kiss his smile. "Well, of course not the first part but you get it."

Joo-Won chuckled. Hwan rested his head on his shoulder as Joo-Won checked the time again.

Forty minutes left.

He needed to distract Hwan. He could feel he started to dig his nails again in silence. "And you? You never told me if you have any siblings or not." He regretted asking it the second he remembered his condition. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Hwan granted him a small smile. "I am slowly remembering things. And I actually do have a brother, but he was a kid the last time I saw him. Probably seven or something. His name was... Seojun, yeah. He is probably in high school now, a classic teenager. Wait, or is he in the university already... Anyways, I just pray he is not an emo kid like me in my high school times..."

'Wait... The last time? Don't tell me...'

"Hwan how many years passed since you last saw him..."

"Nine or maybe even ten years, I guess. I honestly don't know. I think I was forbidden from seeing him."

Hwan sighed as Joo-Won blinked in pure shock. "D-Did he try to contact you? Or did you try it?"

"I don't know anything about him. I don't know which school he goes to. His number is changed as well, and my parents blocked me from everywhere. In short, I don't even know if he is alive or not."

Joo-Won didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So he just chuckled in anger. "But why are they doing this?"

Hwan stayed silent for a few seconds. With the help of his dreams, he remembered many things from his past, and all of them were horrifying. "I uh... I don't know. I do remember things but... It can't be only because I am gay, right?" He turned to Joo-Won, a confused look on his face. "Right?"

Joo-Won wanted to answer that. "I..." But nothing else came out of Joo-Won. He wanted to say no but he knew it would only be lying.

When Joo-Won couldn't answer him, a sad chuckle escaped Hwan's lips before he had flashbacks. His derisive tone and expression slowly faded. It didn't feel funny anymore, but he was trying to act like it was ironic so he himself could feel like the things he went through were not that horrible and traumatizing.

A couple seconds passed in silence as Joo-Won was trying to sink what he told.

"They hated the way I turned out to be." When Hwan finally started to talk again, Joo-Won fully concentrated on him. "Therapists, countless conversion therapies, pills,... they tried everything just to avoid damaging their status."

That was right. After he could remember Seojun, he searched for his family only to learn that they were both lawyers in a big firm. He couldn't find it in his heart to admit it when Joo-Won asked but he knew that was the truth. They were monsters, and they deserved to rot in hell.

Hwan took a deep breath. "They even forced me to..." He stopped for a few seconds, then, his whole body shivered with the thought. He shut his eyes closed, wishing it would make the visions end.

It didn't take long for Joo-Won to understand what they did. His eyes immediately started to tear up as they widened in shock. "Hwan..."

Hwan rubbed his palm to his arms like he was trying to clean himself. "I still feel dirty. I was only fifteen, and was so scared..." His tone was like a glass that was about to break.

Joo-Won hugged him tightly. He didn't know what else he could do. "I'm so sorry..."

Hwan sniffed and caressed Joo-Won's arms that were wrapped around his torso. "When none of them worked and I was terrible at acting straight, my father would beat me."

Joo-Won widened his eyes. It was now his turn to boil in anger.

"He would beat me for hours and hours... It felt like he was doing it only for his own amusement." Hwan stared at the wall with a blank expression. He still didn't know how to feel about everything his 'family' did to him; and how and why he was still calling them his mother and father. He took a deep breath to continue.

He then remembered how his dreams ended every single time. "In the end, my father would always look at his hands that were, most of the time, by the way, covered in my blood and would ask me, 'Will you be normal now, you faggot?'" Hwan said the last part trying to mimic an old man's voice and to Joo-Won's surprise, he chuckled. "I would of course say no, why would I be 'normal'? I was never ashamed of my sexuality, and I don't give a single fuck about their opinions about it. But this would make him even madder."

Hwan's voice changed again as he realized he was noticing something. "It got to a point that... I don't know. I still cannot remember many things. It was not very serious at first, but now that I think about it, I feel like I am forgetting something very important."

Joo-Won gulped, noting in his head to talk about this with Min in her free time. "Y-your brother? Wouldn't he do something to stop them?" He couldn't prevent his voice to tremble in anger.

"Oh, my brother." After he saw his photo in one of his dreams, he remembered that he was sent away so that he wouldn't know the horrible things they did to his older brother. "He didn't know, they sent him to a boarding school the second they found out I am gay. He never saw me again and neither did I."

The room fell in a deep, dark silence.

'Is he really this calm? I mean... How?'

As Joo-Won tried to look at him, he felt a drop of tear on his arm. He leaned forward and looked at Hwan, who was crying in silence.

Joo-Won carefully turned Hwan's upper body to himself, which Hwan quickly hugged Joo-Won as a response. He hugged him tightly as Hwan buried his face in his neck. Joo-Won could feel his tears streaming down his cheeks as well, but he had to stay strong for Hwan.

He was crying and holding onto Joo-Won shirt like it was the only thing that was keeping him safe. "I don't even remember how I ended up in this situation. They told me it was because of a nurse's mistake, but I don't remember it! I don't ever remember being out of that room! Anything might have happened! They were horrible to me! What if they did this to me?!" It was probably the first time he was expressing his opinion about that topic.

No matter how hard he tried, he really didn't remember being that sick. He didn't think too much of it at first since he didn't know what type of people his parents were. But now that he knew, he started to question and reconsider everything again.

Joo-Won felt like it was impossible to be even more shocked, but of course, Hwan's so-called parents once again proved him wrong.

"I don't know what happened, but I thank God it did. It saved me from those monsters. What if I was still there..." Hwan sobbed as he shivered again. Even the thought of it was enough to make him cry harder.

Joo-Won violently shook his head and hugged him back. "Shh it's okay, you are not there anymore and this is the only thing you need to remember. They can't hurt you anymore. I will protect you." He caressed Hwan's back and left a couple kisses on his temporal, which looked like was starting to calm him down a little.

After minutes of staying like that, Joo-Won slowly backed away and jumped down from the stretcher. Then, he got in front of Hwan and sat beside his leg. He placed his palms on Hwan's cheeks and wiped the tears with his thumbs. He looked so small and helpless...

As the sound of the machine stopping echoed in the silent room, he pulled his hands back. He smiled at Hwan and held his hands. Before a nurse came to take off the cables, he kissed the top of Hwan's hand in silence as a small smile formed on his face.

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Sadly, thousands of LGBTQ+ individuals go through horrible things like this every year just because their parents don't want them to 'turn up' to be in this way. I see countless stories and posts about these people, and sadly these things are starting to get normal to us.
When we hear an LGBTQ+ individual telling their story about how their parents make them go to a therapist to 'fix' themselves, it doesn't even surprise us anymore. To think about it, we just think like 'Okay, this won't work anyway. Just go with the flow.'

In reality, we are just getting forced to normalize these situations while we are not the issue.
If a cishet person was forced to go under therapy to become gay, it would be a scandal. Everyone would go crazy.
Tell me if I am wrong.
But when it's us, people just shrug and that's it. Maybe sometimes telling us 'It will pass.'