Hwan plopped on the floor in defeat and pulled his hair in frustration.

Ever since he saw the nightmare about Joo-Won, he felt like he was losing control. His dreams got all balled up, creating a really confusing new one. The room he was in was not the same as the one he used to see. Hwan could understand that even if the room was in constant darkness.

He sobbed in frustration and slammed his palms on the floor. "When is this going to end?! I'm sick of it! I'm so sick of it!" His yells echoed in the pitch black room.

He was tired of himself and his mind for not letting him learn more, and this was starting to drive him crazy.

30.10

It had been days since Joo-Won last went to the hospital, and honestly, he still couldn't get over it. He couldn't help but feel somehow betrayed, and the fact that the person who was causing this feeling being Hwan made him feel even more furious. And disappointed.

"Joo-Won."

Joo-Won quickly shook his head to slip out of his thoughts and turned to Xander, who was sitting on his older brother's bed. It was the first time in days he got out of his room and Joo-Won was just happy to see he was trying to heal from everything that happened. "Sorry, I was just thinking about..."

"Hwan?"

Joo-Won stopped for a second before silently nodding.

"You went too far, you know."

"He should have told me that you were in pain. What if it was something worse? What would I do?" The hint of helplessness in his voice made Xander shut up.

They both stared at the bed in silence for some time. Joo-Won just wanted his brother to be safe, what was wrong with that? He believed that if there is something wrong with him, he need to be informed about this.  It's not like he was asking for too many things, right?

"I told him just an hour before it all happened, so he might have not found the time to tell you."

"Which means he had an hour to tell me about this." Joo-Won looked at him, who was still looking at the floor and playing with his sleeves.

Those past few days have been even harder for Xander. He needed to change his injections for some time before everything could go back to normal, which was not an easy task. The sudden change of injection caused him pain. He was feeling very low lately, and the situation with Kyong in the hospital didn't exactly help him. Even though he never talked about that, Joo-Won could see how ashamed he was of himself for making Kyong feel like that.

It was of course not his fault, and everyone knew that. Everyone, except Xander himself. He just felt horrible over the fact that he made Kyong upset like that.

When he realized no sound was coming from Xander, Joo-Won cleared his throat to get the attention. "How are you feeling?" Joo-Won softly asked, both trying to change the topic and help him avoid overthinking.

"Same."

Overwhelmed, he meant.

"Look." Xander finally turned his head to Joo-Won. "I need you to do me a favor for me."

"Is it about Kyong?"

Xander closed his mouth he opened to talk and gave him a tiny nod. His eyes immediately started to tear up. "I never wanted to act like that I just... I was too overwhelmed by everything. I panicked and didn't know what to do."

Joo-Won placed his hand on his brother's shoulder and squeezed. "Hey, it's okay. I know he understood it too."

"I am just too scared over the possibility of him finding out I'm..."

"Trans? Xan... He is not the type of person who would end things up with you just because you are trans."

Suddenly, the side of his lips curled up to form a small smile, and even though it was for a split second, it was enough to make Joo-Won extremely happy.

"You know, Hwan actually said the same thing too."

Aaand his happiness was gone. His posture straightened as his eyebrows formed a frown.

'Waiiiit a minute... How can Hwan say something like this about him being trans without... Oh hell no.'

"You told him you are trans? Xander, how could you be so irresponsible?"

Xander looked up at him. "Irresponsible? What? I just wanted to say it and I did."

Joo-Won got up from the bed and laughed angrily.

'Just wanted to say it? Is he fucking kidding me right now?

"You know you should not trust strangers, how could you just say it?!"

Xander got up as well, an angry expression forming on his tired face. "Don't talk to me like I'm a fucking baby! Also he is not a stranger, you know him! You go there to see him every fucking day!"

"But he is to you! You just met him once or twice. Just because he is gay does not mean he is automatically a person you can come out like that." Joo-Won huffed and messed his hair. "This is not you."

Xander scoffed. "Oh really? Do you even know who I am? You don't even know me that long!"

Joo-Won suddenly turned to him with slightly widened eyes. "Don't! Don't you dare do this. And so?! You are my brother, of course I know you!"

Xander rubbed the bridge of his nose angrily. "You don't get it, do you? I hate this! I just want to be free to make my own choices about who to trust just like you do! I want to be the same as you in this!"

"But we are not the same Xander!" Joo-Won came closer and held his arms. "I'm sorry but we are not! And we might never be!"

Xander's face was buried in sadness as Joo-Won took a breath to calm himself. "You have no choice but to be careful. I really hate this too, do you think I am happy when you suffer like this? I hate seeing you miserable like this and I want you to have friends you can fully be yourself too. But I need to think about your safety. You need to think about it too."

A drop of tear streamed down Xander's face as he hiccuped.

"Xan, what would I do if something happens to you, huh? I love you too much, can't you see that I am just trying to protect you? I of course would never want things to be like how they are right now, but we have no choice..."

"I just want to be open about this. I hate to keep this a secret like it's something disgusting and something to be ashamed of. I want to be myself."

"I know you do and you will. But not before knowing someone well enough to trust them..." Joo-Won hugged him, trying to calm him down by playing with his hair. "I just want you to be happy. Sorry for getting mad..."

"I get it." Xander buried his face to Joo-Won's shoulder and took a long breath. After some time, they broke apart.

Joo-Won wiped both his brother's and his own tears and smiled, trying to soothe the mood. "And how did he react when you say it to him? Hwan, I mean."

"He just continued to talk like it's nothing and warned me about who to trust about this."

Joo-Won nodded. He knew Hwan would react positively, but he was still a stranger to Xander.

"I think I felt closer to him when he told me his story."

Joo-Won knitted his eyebrows. "What story?"

He sat back on the bed and signaled his brother to sit too. "He told me that he was in this condition because of a medical mistake,... I don't know why, but I feel like there is something else."

Joo-Won turned to him with a confused expression. "Something else? Like what?"

Xander signed. "His family... They are fucked up, Joo-Won. They practically abandoned him and left him no choice but to live in the hospital. He even told me that they were paying the hospital to keep Hwan there and not let him get out of there."

Joo-Won widened his eyes even more as the air he just inhaled got stuck. "W-what did you just say?"

"I know it's a lot to process... Hwan was strangely calm when he was telling me this and he even cracked a joke or two, but it was clear that he was sad..."

When he finished, Joo-Won was just too frozen to react. His eyes were as wide as they were capable of, his mouth slightly open and his hand covering it... He just didn't know what to do nor what to say.

"Oh and another thing. He told me nothing was going on between you two, but I could see he was doubting it."

Joo-Won blinked a few times and turned to him as he remembered the morning after he went to the hospital. Finally able to give my reaction, Joo-Won backed away his hand. "He was..? Actually..." Xander looked at Joo-Won in curiosity as he avoided looking at his face. "Something did happen recently and..."

"Wait what?"

"Y-yeah..." Without even realizing it, Joo-Won's fingers touched the part of his lips where Hwan was fondling.

Xander, who saw what he was doing, slightly widened his eyes. "You guys kissed?!"

"N-no! Well... kind of? I mean... our lips did touch. But then Min barged in..." Joo-Won shook his head and tried to change the topic a bit. "Did he say anything else to you that day??"

Xander decided not to force his older brother, even though he really wanted to, and nodded. "Yeah. He told me he wants you to be safe... And that you are very hot."

Joo-Wons eyes grew even more as he scoffed. "Okay okay, I might have added the last part." He silently chuckled.

FINALLY! He smiled happily and squeezed his cheeks.

He smiled at Joo-Won and pushed his hands off. "But he really told me he wants you to be safe. We... we talked about the first day you guys met and a little bit about Yukio. I of course told him that it will be better for you to tell the story about him!"

Joo-Won smiled softly and patted his head. "Thank you for that."

Xander nodded and a small smile formed on his face.

Joo-Won looked at his bedsheet and sighed. "To be honest, I start to feel bad about getting mad at him..."

"You should be. It was a little too much. Maybe you should apologize?"

"I really don't know..."

Just then, Joo-Won's phone started to ring. He picked it up from the nightstand, and to his surprise, it was Kyong.

Joo-Won looked at Xander and he looked back at him, signaling for him to open.

Joo-Won opened the phone and put it on the speaker. "Kyong? Hi..."

"Hello." His voice was a little bit cold, which made Joo-Won feel bad. "Uh... I am actually in front of your house. Can you open the door?"

He widened his eyes a little. "W-what?"

"Don't worry, I am not here to talk and... disturb... Xander."

Joo-Won quickly turned to Xander, whose sad gazes were fixed on the floor.

"I am just here for something else. I'm waiting." And he closed the phone.

Joo-Won looked at Xander again, he looked a bit surprised as well. He got up from the bed after his older brother.

Joo-Won turned to him before getting out. "Do you want to come too?"

After a few seconds passed in silence, he just nodded and they went down. Xander was behind Joo-Won, holding, actually clenching, his arm when he slowly opened the door.

Joo-Won really didn't know what he was expecting, but the possibilities in my mind did not involve Hwan that was patiently waiting in his wheelchair in front of his house.

_________________________________

I hate to keep this a secret like it's something disgusting and something to be ashamed of. I want to be myself.

From the moment I came out to my family as bisexual more than 4 years ago to this summer, I had been feeling like a dirty family secret that shall never be outed. I know my family never wanted me to feel like that, they just wanted my safety, but I couldn't help but feel like they are ashamed of me. It lead to making me constantly compare myself to my cishet twin sister. I felt like I failed to be the child they would like to have, and this way of thinking made me feel like a failure all the time. Even though I was out to my friends, my parent's approval of me being out meant so much to me. I felt like I was being held back from being myself when my family couldn't freely talk about this topic about me. And I knew this feeling would not go away until my parents embraced who I am instead of telling people I just prefer to stay single whenever a relative asks if I have a boyfriend or not.

I can never forget the first time my mom had a talk with me about coming out to our family friends. She said she was very scared and feared something might happen to me because the country I live in is not a safe place for LGBTQ+ individuals. But then, she told me I was already making my statement by not shaving my facial hair and cutting my hair constantly. I could see how worried she was about me and my future, however, she decided it was time to accept it and be myself around the people I love. I burst into tears and hugged her tightly, just happy that finally, I could be able to mentally get better.

Being a part of LGBTQ+ is NOT something to be ashamed of, and staying in the closet does not mean this. Sometimes, it is essential to survive.
So please, if you feel you are not in a safe place and not ready to come out, don't do it. Staying in the closet does not make you less of an LGBTQ+ individual.

Thank you for reading, if you did. Stay safe, love you♥️