Lana

Blood. Blood everywhere. On my uniform, on my face, on the battlefield-

On Liz.

I'm lifting her up by the arms while Callum carries her legs. Blood runs down from her lip, her eyes now glossy.

"Stay awake Liz, you have to stay awake." I say, walking backwards into the building. Little David walks by me, shaking with pure fear. He's holding Payton's hand while she guides me into the building. Doctors take her from me, but I can't stop staring at the bullet wound on her torso. They lay her on a stretcher, rolling her away, but I follow.

"Ma'am, you have to stay here," a doctor holds me back, but fear shoots through me.

"I-I have to go with her. I'm the squad leader."

I'm the squad leader.

And I failed.

"No-I-I have to go! I'm the squad leader! It's my fault!" I yell, but now Callum is holding me back. "Stop!" I scream, pushing him back, using my water element. Callum hits the wall, his body slumped.

"Somebody calm her down!"

I once again scream when I feel another pair of arms wrapped around me. I'm about to beat the shit out of them until I hear his voice.

"Lana."

I let out a whimper, turning around and looking at Paytah.

There's a sense of comfort seeing him safe. A feeling that I needed. But it also makes me want to lean against his chest and sob.

And I do.

I hug his waist and welcome my cries onto his chest. But I know I'm welcomed when his arms wrap around me. And I sob, telling him it was all my fault.

And for once, I'm glad he doesn't say anything

Sometimes his silence is a gift. Because this is just what I need. A hug and silence. But the feeling of Liz's lifeless body on my arms is enough to make me sob again. Just thinking back to when I literally saw the bullet sink into her torso makes me squeeze Paytah harder. Just the thought of war makes my legs wobbly, and I sink down, but Paytah lifts me back up, carrying me out of the building and into another. He sits me down on a chair and sits himself next to me. Once again, no words. Just my horrific sobs and his steady breathing.

But I can't stop thinking about how I was mad at Paytah. The last thing I told him was "fuck you", and now I'm vulnerable in his arms.

"My parents didn't visit me because they gave me up," I jump at Paytah's words. I look up at him, taking in what he said.

"They were my fourth set of foster parents. I like to think that the only reason they gave me up is because I'm one of the four, but, that probably wasn't it." I study his face, his orange eyes starting to water, the ends of his dark hair curling from his sweat.

"I was only four. I didn't know what I did wrong. But they made me feel like it was all m-my fault." His arms switch under my touch. But he still holds me tightly.

"People took me away, and I-I was so scared. So scared on why they were taking me. So scared that my parents didn't care. So scared that-things would never be the same."

"Why did they take you away?" My voice is raspy, but it seems like he knew what I was going to ask.

"All they told me was that I was not like them. They told me I wasn't the water element."

My eyes grow big. I sit up, his arms no longer wrapped around me. He was supposed to be the water element. I see a single tear fall from his cheek, and watch as it slides down his cheek. He licks it with his lips. "I didn't want anyone to know. But yes, I told Aira. I just didn't think it was worth telling again. It's not a topic I like to bring up. But, you asked, so I thought I should tell you."

"I don't know what to say, I-"

"Nobody knows what to say. But it makes me think about all the other kids who went through what I went through. I don't want people to go through that. But I also don't trust Hanson, you know?"

"I trust you." Is all I say. "Thanks for telling me, and I'm sorry I was such a dick-"

"Like I haven't been one." Paytah says, and I smile.

We sit in silence for what it seems like forever, but time has been going slow these days.

"I hope she's okay."

"What happened?"

"She got shot in the torso."

I think back to Juris, who was talking to me through the earpiece. He didn't do anything wrong, he told me where the enemies were. I was the one who failed. I ripped the earpiece off, though, not caring about anything, only Liz.

"I didn't like that." Is all I say. But he knows what I mean. War. Shooting. Killing. Blood. Screaming. Gale was right when she said this is mentally hard. Because honestly, I don't want to do this anymore.

"It'll be over soon. Win or lose, it'll be over." Paytah says. "Besides, we don't really have a choice."

We don't really have a choice.

Which is true. The more I think about it, the madder I get. We were Hanson's test subjects, we were used. Now, it feels the same. The whole world is using us.

"That's why you don't trust anyone." I say, and he nods.

And that's when I know Paytah's right. We are being told we are doing this for the good of this country. We are told that killing our own people is necessary. We are told that we're important. We are told to do as we say.

Now I'm pissed.

"We have nowhere to go. They made it clear that we are safe here and here only." I say, and Paytah looks down.

"And that's exactly what they wanted to happen. Keep us here. Keep us trapped. Keep on using us." He says.

"We have no choice."

••••••

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