29. At the break of dawn
The drill and the adrenaline from the gig were slowly fading butLouis was still wide awake. He was lying in his bed, staring at theceiling. He could still faintly hear the applause and cheers but alsothe murmuring and phone camera flashes. He just knew the video of himsinging his newest song was everywhere by now. People were probablyalready talking about it and making up wild theories about thebackground and intentions. Would they paint him as the bitter gaylover trying to ruin their superstar's reputation? Well, for this thepopstar would have needed to acknowledge ...
"No, don't even go there" Louis admonished himself.
Knowing sleep wasn't an option anymore, Louis grabbed hisphone and scrolled through Twitter. Luckily for him, his account hasalways been private. Like this, people couldn't bully him now. Butthey were still able to talk about him and get his name trending nextto Harry's with articles everywhere. Louis had avoided the mediasince Harry had left because he couldn't handle the absence, the liesand seeing his face everywhere.
That's why he was so confused when he stumbled over bad headlinesabout him, not only Liam and Niall. At first, he thought they were'old' articles from before Harry left but looking closer at them,Louis realised they were dated from yesterday. The words written werenasty and cruel but maybe true? Who was Louis to judge that? Hecouldn't know what was the truth anymore.
After performing his new song and letting all of his anger andbitterness and pain out, Louis had felt relieved and light as afeather. Most of the anger was gone for now. All he was left to feelwas sadness and the longing to see Harry again, which wasself-destructive. He knew that but he couldn't help it. All he reallywanted was a real explanation and an honest apology. Maybe then hecould eventually move on someday.
Glancing back down at the link to one of the most cruellyheadlined articles, Louis shuddered out a heavy breath beforeclicking on it. Immediately, he was met with a beautiful picture ofHarry from before the band's break. It was simply perfect.
The big gay lie of Harry Styles:
Harry Styles scammed the whole LGBTQ+ Community. Now they wantan apology but he stays silent. You're wondering what went down whileyou blinked? We have the juicy details.
After all the scandals around his former bandmates and thenewly revealed fifth member, there is already a new big scandal. Thistime Harry is right in the middle of it and it's brutal. As peoplemight recall, they've been rumours of Styles dating Louis Tomlinsonin secret after pictures had surfaced of them together. Now a sourcefrom his close circle had come forward with the truth: It was allplanned to gain popularity.
In truth, Harry Styles is still dating Beverly Stewart butafter all the backlash he decided to act as if they broke up in frontof the cameras. Add to that the band's break, Styles needed to stayrelevant. So, he chose to harass his old 'friend', who he knew wasgay. Formerly bullied for that and kicked out of the band, Tomlinsonwas now good enough for Styles to be dragged into the biggest of hisstunts to date. He tried to seduce Tomlinson into agreeing to pretendfor the cameras but Tomlinson told him off.
Obviously upset that his plan had failed, he chose to hitTomlinson where it hurt the most. He went after his best friend. Thegirl you saw him kissing live on camera. Sabrina is Tomlinson's bestfriend and was never a big fan of Styles. Latter just showed up ather front door and kissed her. It was a non-consent kiss, guys! That'sa big no-no.
Harry's plans to fool the gay community into supporting himhave backfired completely and now they demand an apology but Styleshas stayed media silent. No news.
Share your opinion with us.
"Holy Shit!" Louis swore down athis phone, glancing over the attached pictures of Harry kissingSabrina and Louis and Harry arguing in front of Louis' front door.
Why would Jackson throw him under thebus like this after Harry had come crawling back to him like alovesick puppy? A kicked and abused and dumb puppy, but nonetheless apuppy. What was the bigger picture here? Rebuilding his image?
Shutting his phone off, Louis gave upon sleep and decided that enough was enough. He stood up and put onsome decent clothes before sneaking out of the house without wakingZayn up. He needed some air and a safe place to think that wasn't hisbedroom. He knew where he needed to go. There was only one place.
After skating on his skateboard forover thirty minutes, Louis finally saw the beach coming into view. Itwas still dark but the first beams of the sun could be lightly seenat the end of the horizon. Stepping onto the cold sand, Louis slowlymade his way over to his usual spot but he stopped in his tracks whenhe spotted a dark figure all huddled together sitting by his tworocks. He needed no daylight to make out that shadow. He wouldrecognise it in a million, blindly if the world's end depended on it.
"Harry?".
Startled and slightlyfrightened-looking, Harry let out a little squeal and jumped up outof fear. When his eyes fell on Louis he froze on his spot and juststared at him in disbelief. "Louis".
He sounded out of breath. As if hecouldn't believe Louis was standing right in front of him. Louiscould relate. He couldn't believe it either. What the hell was hedoing here?
"This is my spot," Louis said beforehe could stop himself.
Realising his big mistake apparently,Harry grimaced strangely and his eyes grew comically wide while hisface paled. "Oh, I'm sorry. I ... um ... I didn't really know whereto go and ... er ...".
After inspecting him a little bitcloser while Harry was rambling, Louis drew in a sharp breath beforehe could overthink it. Harry immediately stopped and locked eyes withhim, his cheeks bright red with faded white dots. "What happenedto your face?".
"Zayn slapped me. Four times. Liamtwo times. Believe it or not. Niall only punched my shoulder" Harryexplained to him, absently rubbing over his right shoulder.
"When? I mean, when did you see them?You're not supposed to be here" Louis was still not sure what tothink.
Harry blushed deeply over his punchmarks, looking down at his feet. "I um ... I was at your gig. Theystayed back after they spotted me and demanded an explanation for mypresence but not before letting their anger out. Zayn was really madbut he didn't ...".
"Why were you there? What do youwant? New songs because you can't write? Won't happen" Louis staredhim down icily.
"That's what Jackson wanted" Harrysighed out as if it hurt him to even think the words. Louis onlyfrowned. "Please, let me explain everything to you before you cussme out. I only want you to know what went down, from me. Then I'llleave you alone and won't bother you anymore. I promise I'lldisappear forever".
The tiny part of him hating the aspectof Harry never coming back and wanting to stop him was almost strongenough to make him do something stupid but he silenced that psycho ofa heart and only nodded at Harry, croaking out. "Go on then".
"Sit down with me, please?" Harrypleaded with big eyes.
"Only because I hate standing aroundlike an idiot and I wanted to watch the sea anyway" Louis walkedright past him and sat down as far away from him as possible,watching the rising sun.
"Well, um ... Best I start at thebeginning, mh?" Harry sat down awkwardly but Louis didn't react."Anyway. So, I um ... obviously went back to London and met up withJackson after three days of begging for a meeting. He was loving howdesperate I was and I knew that but I needed him to live my dream,right? Whatever. He talked to me about all the rumours and picturesand Liam and Niall and wondered why I was even there. I explained myview on things and he was satisfied with my loyalty to him even afterhe threw everyone I love under the bus, apart from my family yet buthe would have done that next. I know it".
He paused for a second and Louis reallywondered where he was going with his. Was Harry trying to make himsee why his choice was the right one? With all this information itwasn't working.
"Then he ... he presented his newstrategy to me. His way of using all the media attention to myadvantage. He wants to put all the blame on Liam and Niall, paintthem as horribly homophobic and arrogant and self-centred, big-headedand selfish. I'm ... supposed to look like the good guy. He ... wantsSabrina to pose as my new girlfriend and have you back to write myalbum to explain the pictures. He said he could make sure there was away to force you back into this by simply manipulating a few lineson your last contract, reword ...".
"Are you fucking serious?!" Louiscouldn't believe this. "And you're here for what? Try to make meagree on this on his terms before he forces me to work with you? Ormore for you, Mister Popstar".
"Louis, listen to me" Harry beggedhim franticly.
"No, I don't wanna hear it, Harry"Louis jumped up from his spot, only feeling the need to get away fromhim. "This is sick. That you went back to him is bad enough butthis ... I have no words left. I won't go back and I won't let himforce me with some cheap ...".
"I didn't agree on it!" Harryshouted loudly so Louis would hear him and shut up, which he did.
"You didn't?" Louis stopped walkingand turned back around to him. Harry looked miserable. "Then whyare you here?".
"I really owe you an apology and anexplanation. More than all of that hurtful stuff I threw at your facein the kitchen. All I want is one minute of your time to give youwhat you deserve. After that, I'm gone. As promised" Harry scratchedover his wrist anxiously.
Debating if this was a good idea whenhis heart was already longing to wrap its arms back around Harry,Louis closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. "This won't just be aminute but ...".
Harry seemed to understand because hestraightened up and looked up at Louis with so much guilt swimming inhis eyes that Louis felt his throat closing up. "Louis, I'm sosorry. I'm endlessly sorry for everything I put you through. All ofit, not just the way I ended it. I'm sorry for never treating youright outside your four walls. I'm sorry for shutting you out when itcame down to my decisions about my future and my fears and doubtsconnected to it. I'm sorry for giving you reasons to make you doubt meand not trying to understand why you flipped over the pictures on myphone. I'm sorry for never telling you about Sabrina and my stupidreason for that. I'm sorry for making you feel not good enough;unworthy; dirty and used; played and fooled; lied to and unloved. I'msorry for breaking your heart the way I did. I will never forgivemyself for that and I don't expect you to do that. Your forgivenesswould be something I need to earn but I will never be able to dothat".
"I don't really know what you want meto s ...".
"Please, don't say anything yet"Harry rushed over to him but stopped in his tracks when Louis backedaway. "You need to know the whole truth. Jackson almost had me signblindly again. I was about to give in although I hated his plan. Istill thought he was my only chance but the picture of you andSabrina was still right in front of me. Your face was all I couldsee. I could see the disappointment, the anger, the hurt, the pain.It hit me like a brick. I missed seeing the love. I was longing forit more than ...".
"Don't" Louis cut him off but hisvoice was shaking. His voice was such a traitor. He hated it but hehated himself more. His heart.
"I'm not trying ... I'm not here toask you to take me back, Louis. I'm not here to hurt you even morebut I need you to know that I care. Really care" Harry seemed towrestle for the right words while Louis was having a hard timebreathing. "What I said in the kitchen ... I made myself believeit. I had convinced my mind that we were nothing. That you were onlyfun to me, a way to live out the past I never had and never couldhave had before I had to go back. I fully convinced myself that myfuture was set in stone ... with a woman by my side. I believed thatmy hesitation to be affectionate with you in public or around peoplewas because I didn't love you and didn't want to be with you. Ibelieved it was because I am supposed to be with a woman. I never hada problem with being touchy with a woman but I had it with you. Myonly logical conclusion was that the gender was absolutely wrong andnot my destiny but damn, Louis. I was so wrong".
Louis knew he must look crazy by nowbut he couldn't grasp the situation he was in right now. "Harry, Ican't ...".
"I was uncomfortable because I hadn'taccepted myself and didn't even really try. I was used to keepingthis part a secret, only living this out in the dark. Like with Jakeor Alec. So, that's what I did with you and I know now that this waswrong. You're not meant to be hidden in the dark. You're more than adirty little secret. I should have seen the way my behaviour affectedyou sooner. I knew about your past relationships and still chose toreact like the ignorant prick I am when you were upset about thepictures. I get it now, Louis. Of course, you were worried. Ofcourse, this isn't normal. And I'm sorry for acting as if you werebeing dramatic. I deleted all of them. It's all gone. I don't wannaremember it. I'm not even sure why I had the folder in the firstplace. Maybe to remind me that I'm better with a woman than a man?Well, it didn't work" Harry continued his whatever it was withoutas much as a break to breathe. "Although I have no right anymore tosay this and unload the heavy weight of this on you I need you toknow that ... I love you, Louis".
Just like that, everything stoppedaround him. Time was frozen, his body was frozen, his mind wasfrozen. Only his heart seemed to work. It was racing, almost beatingout of his chest. It wanted to be close to Harry but the rest of himstopped that impulse.
"You said you don't love me. That younever meant it when you said you were in love with me. You said we'renothing, never serious, never boyfriends. And now you want me tobelieve you just like that? You broke my trust in you, Harry" Louishad to speak against the heavy beating of his longing heart.
"No, Louis. I only needed you to knowhow I really feel. I couldn't let you live on thinking I never lovedyou because I did. I do. I was just too blind to see it in time andI'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for destroying what we had and couldhave had in the future. This will always be my biggest mistake andbiggest regret. Just ... promise me you will try to be happy, yeah?That's all I want. You to be happy and loved by someone who can treatyou right" Harry had tears running down his face by now.
Expecting to fully regret this, Louisstepped closer to Harry and wiped some of his tears away. "Ipromise you that if you promise me to be happy yourself, yeah? Don'tlet Jackson run all over you and never lose your passion for musicagain. Let the bad parts be worth the good ones, okay?".
"I can't promise you that" Harrysniffled with a blotchy nose. Louis wanted to protest but Harrystopped him from saying anything. "I can't because Jackson is nolonger in my life. I didn't sign the contract, Louis".
"What? But you wanted to ...".
"All I really want is to make musicand to have you in my life. I fucked up one of those but I was ableto stop fucking up twice. You've been right all along. You, the guys,my family. Everyone really. Jackson is toxic and abusive, mentallybut I wouldn't put it past him to get physical. It's all just moneyto him and I couldn't ... when he wanted to drag you back into this Irealised what I was doing and it was wrong. I've been wrong for solong. I don't need him. Sorry for saying this again but I only needyou" Harry revealed to him shockingly.
This close Louis was able to studyevery tiny movement in Harry's face and see every teeny tiny flash ofemotion in his eyes and nothing hinted at him lying. He was beingcompletely open and vulnerable and honest. Like this, he noticedHarry backing away from him as soon as he started it. His mind shutoff and all of his reasons left him when he reflexively held Harryback and pulled him right back, closer than before.
"Louis, what ...?".
"I need you, too" Louis admittedbravely. "All I need is you, Haz".
Unable to process his words, Harry onlyblinked at him dumbly and with big eyes. "But I ... you can't ...what?".
"It might be dumb and naïve andwhatever you wanna call it but I choose to forgive you, Harry. Thisdoesn't mean that I can forget about it and just move on. It willtake some time, a lot of time probably, to get back to the way wewere before but I'm willing to try because there is no one else forme" Louis revealed scared.
"I can't let this happen, Louis"Harry suddenly frowned, Louis' heart sinking. "I don't wanna goback to the way we were before. I want us to be more, better. I willnot hide you anymore or hesitate to touch you when we're not aloneand I won't make you feel unloved or give you a reason to doubt me. Iwill tell you every day from now on that I love you until you can sayit back again without any doubt in your heart that I won't leave".
Tearing up at his words, Louis threwhimself into Harry's arms. Immediately, Harry wrapped his strong butshaking arms around his body. Louis felt himself tremble but hedidn't care. This was where he belonged, so he nuzzled his nose intothe crook of Harry's neck. "Say it again".
"I love you, Louis" Harry repeatedhis words without a problem but his voice was trembling as well.
"And I love you, Harry. I don't careif you want me to not say it until I know for sure you won't leaveagain but I need you to know that I love you anyway. I never stoppedand I never will" Louis mumbled into Harry's neck.
"I really don't deserve you" Harrybreathed out with a shudder and Louis could feel Harry crying again."But I love you anyway".
"Maybe you really don't. Not rightnow but maybe in the future. Who knows? Right now, all I know is thatI don't care" Louis had to look at him now to make him see that hewas serious. "I get why you ... I mean, I understand. It doesn'tmake it better but at least, you didn't really ... you weren't beingonly a cruel asshole for no reason. It's ... I know people will sayI'm stupid for giving you a second chance, or a third for that matterbut this is not about them. It's about us and how we feel. How Ifeel. And I could never not love you, so I choose to give this a shotbecause I can see that you're sorry. Just don't ... Never hurt meagain like this".
"Oh, Louis. Never. I will never hurtyou again. I could never live with myself if I did. If I misstepagain or cross a line or take you for granted or anything ... leaveme okay? You deserve only the best and if I can't give you that then....".
"Don't even think like that, Haz"Louis silenced him upset. "This here between us will take a lot ofwork to get to a certain level of trust again but you have to forgiveyourself one day. Not today but someday, okay? Or this won't work".
"If you can fully trust me again thenI might start forgiving myself for breaking you and your heart. I'lltry sooner but I can't promise it will work" Harry noted honestly.
"That's enough for now but, Haz.Everybody makes mistakes and you were under a lot of pressure. Iunderstand. Don't be too hard on yourself, yeah? For me" Louiscaressed Harry's cheek.
"Anything for you, Lou" Harrysmiled blushy.
"Kiss me".
Hesitantly, Harry leaned closer andLouis connected their lips in a soft and gentle reunion kiss. It feltfamiliar but also very different. Like a promise between them. Apromise to cherish each other and never let go again. A promise tonever risk what they have again. A promise made here at the placewhere they first kissed at dusk under the setting sun. A promise theywere making while kissing for the first time again after being apart.A promise made this time kissing at the break of dawn under the lightof the rising sun.
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Would you forgive Harry? Did Louis make the right decision?
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