Life was shit.

That's all Louis could think about while he was strolling throughthe city with Dylan by his side, hand in hand. His plan for today had been to finally ask Dylan to be his boyfriend officially andexclusively but that plan was set to fail. From the moment he hadpicked Dylan up from work something has felt off and Louis couldn'tsay what it was. Dylan was all happy-go-lucky like always but Louiswasn't feeling the usual happiness he always felt around Dylan'sbubbly personality. His mind wasn't in the moment with him. It wassomewhere else. With someone else. And he hated himself for it.

Trying to get rid of the green eyes haunting his mind, Louisfocused his attention with all of his willpower on Dylan, who wastelling him about his day at work. Apparently, he had had a very rudecustomer today, if Louis got that right. Hearing just another storyabout horrible people every day made Louis appreciate him the tiniestbit more, if that was possible. He would never want to switch places.Being a bus driver wasn't for him.

"That's horrible, Babe" Louis threw in, trying not to show onhis face how much he cringed inwardly at the petname.

"It's okay. Early in the morning people are grumpy and sleepyand tired" Dylan waved the matter off.

"It's no excuse to be rude. You're just trying to do your job"Louis insisted stubbornly.

"You're cute when you get protective" Dylan smiled at him,lightly caressing Louis' cheek.

And if he flinched slightly for absolutely no reason then Dylandid a good job at not reacting to it. Louis smiled back at him butsomehow it felt so forced. "I'm not cute".

"You are though" Dylan shrugged, dropping his hand and walkingtowards the park.

"I'm not" Louis huffed, following him into the park with apout.

"Okay, whatever you say. But you're pretty distant today. Youcan't deny that, Louis" Dylan suddenly got very serious, makingLouis stop in his tracks and stare at him. So, it was obvious.

"And I won't" Louis let out a heavy sigh. "I just don't knowwhy. Lately, my mind never shuts up and I can't seem to focus onanything or anyone around me".

"Except for Harry".

Louis' head shot up so quickly he could swear he heard his neckcrack. "What? No, Dylan. You're totally wrong".

"I don't think I am though. Ever since your old mates showed uphere again you've been acting differently. It might have looked like Ididn't notice it but I did. I see the tension between Harry and you.There is definitely something unspoken between you two. If you areboth aware of it is another question but ...".

"There is nothing between Harry and me" Louis cut him off bewildered. "Harry is straight and dating Sabrina. The tensionyou're talking about is just the past of the band and some other openissues we haven't fixed yet. It's not romantic or ...".

"But it is, Louis" Dylan interrupted him this time. "Maybeyou're too scared to see it or you really don't see the way he looksat you. He doesn't like me and hates how close we are. It's writtenon his face. And your face betrays you too. Your eyes tell meeverything I need to know. You care so deeply about him but you'reterrified of facing the truth. I just don't know why yet".

Louis was left speechless. From all the things he'd expected tohappen today this wasn't any of them. Harry wasn't more than afriend, no matter how Louis still felt about him deep down. He wasworking on getting past this and not getting thrown right back intoit to suffer all over again.

"There is no truth to face here, Dylan. Maybe eight years ago Iactually had a stupid crush on Harry but it was pointless anyway. Andif you didn't notice it yet, we had a bad falling out. And maybe wetalked things out but not all of it. Some things need to be left inthe past and buried deep. Seeing Harry again was weird. Is weirdsometimes but I don't wanna be with him, even if I could. And Ican't. Straight, remember? You have nothing to worry about" Louisrevealed to him, trying to make him see there was no danger.

"I'm not worried. I'm sure. I'm certain. You and I are not meantto be more than friends and for a long time, I was trying to convincemyself it was different. But seeing you with him opened my eyes. Theway you look at him ... you don't look at me like this. And I don'tlook at you like that" Dylan took a hold of his hand.

"But ...".

"No, Louis" Dylan gave him no chance to contradict him. "Ifwe were meant to be our whatever we have would be different. I knowyou a little bit by now and know that with someone you dearly love you actdifferently. You would have made him your boyfriend ages ago. I knowyour hesitation also comes from your past boyfriends but notexclusively. You know I'm right".

"Yeah, you are" Louis finally admitted, more to himself thanDylan. "I'm sorry for making you feel ...".

"None of that now" Dylan shushed him fondly. "You never mademe feel anything bad. Don't blame yourself now for the way you feel.It's okay. We're good".

"Did someone tell you how amazing you are?" Louis reallycouldn't believe this guy was real.

"I know" Dylan chuckled cutely.

Louis let out a freeing laugh, pulling Dylan into a tight hug. "Ireally don't know what else to say but just know you're reallyimportant to me and I really care about you, Dylan".

"I care about you, too. That's why I'm setting you free and hopeyou do the right thing. Talk to Harry. Tell him how you feel andmaybe don't bury your issues that deep in the past" Dylan advisedhim gently.

"I can't promise you anything but if the moment is right I mightconsider it," Louis told him honestly.

"That's enough for me" Dylan squeezed him one last time beforebreaking away from their embrace. "I gotta go now".

"Okay but, please. Don't disappear now. I understand if you needtime but I'd love for us to be friends" Louis bit the inside of hischeek nervously.

"We are friends" Dylan offered him a beaming smile beforeleaving the park again.

For a while, Louis looked after him until he couldn't see himanymore. He tried to wrap his head around what just happened. Hisheart knew it was the right thing but his head was still trying toconvince him he wasn't feeling anything more than friendship towardsHarry, who was definitely not feeling the same way, no matter whatDylan said. There was nothing between them. The tension Dylan hadnoticed was simply because of the way their paths have parted sevenyears ago.

Shaking his head to clear his mind, Louis gazed up at the clearsky before making his way home. When he walked into his house he wasmet with silence, meaning Zayn was still at work. Glancing at theclock on the wall, he frowned. Zayn should be home by now. For sometime actually. Maybe he had plans Louis didn't know about ... whichwas even weirder. Zayn told him everything.

Suddenly, he was startled by some noise coming from somewhere inthe house. After the first shock, Louis tried to locate the source ofthe noise with a fast-beating heart. When he heard some mufflednoises again, maybe a voice, Louis realised it was coming from hishome studio in the basement. Looked like Zayn was working on a newsong.

Curiously, Louis made his way down to the basement and opened thedoor to his home studio. Papers were lying all over the floor andsomeone was sitting in between that huge mess but it wasn't Zayn. Itwas Harry. Utterly confused, Louis watched him for a few seconds andtried to find a reason for Harry to be down here; on the floor;surrounded by Louis' old and new lyrics.

"What are you doing there?" Louis spoke up, startling Harry.

Abruptly, he sat up and turned around to him, dropping everysingle lyric sheet in the process. His eyes grew big and he turnedpale in the face. It was almost comical. "I'm not snooping around.I was waiting for you. Zayn let me in and left a minute later. Hetold me to make myself feel at home. So, I wandered around and endedup down here but I didn't look through your stuff. I mean, I peakedat the sheets lying on top but I didn't ... I wanted to go backupstairs and tripped. I didn't ... I never wanted to ...".

"It's okay, Haz" Louis rushed over to him and put his handssoothingly onto Harry's shoulders to calm him down. "I'm not mad oranything. I wasn't thinking that you're snooping around".

"No?" Harry looked up at him in mere shock.

"No" Louis reached his hand out for him. Hesitantly, Harrytook it and let himself be dragged up onto his feet. Now Louis had tolook up at Harry instead. "You can't help it. You're just clumsy".

"I hate it" Harry pouted like a little child.

"I think it's adorable and you can't really change it. Yourclumsiness is part of you. Embrace it" Louis shrugged, avoiding tolook Harry in the eyes. He can't resist that green.

"Thanks, Lou" Harry squeezed his arm lightly.

"Wanna get out of here? Let's go upstairs. Want a drink?"Louis quickly recovered from his inner breakdown over a simple touch.

"Only water is enough" Harry dropped his hand.

"Course" Louis rolled his eyes teasingly.

Together, they made their way upstairs and grabbed some water onthe way to Louis' bedroom. Inside, they sat down on the edge ofLouis' bed and placed the water on his bedside table. Even thoughnothing had happened Louis could sense that something was botheringHarry. He was deeply lost in his mind.

"Are you okay, Haz? Your frown is starting to worry me" Louisasked him carefully.

"I um ... Down in your studio when I tripped and all the papersfell down I came across something. At first, I was confused but theneverything suddenly started to make sense" Harry answeredmysteriously and Louis had no clue what he was talking about.

"You're gonna tell me what made sense? I can't read your mind"Louis nudged him with his elbow.

"This" Harry handed him a sheet of paper.

Louis took it frowningly and looked at what was written down onit. When he realised what it was he froze immediately. His blood wentcold and his heart was racing like crazy. Harry was never supposed tofind any of this. He wasn't supposed to know.

"Be honest with me, Louis. Have you written this one? Or why wasit down there?" Harry tried to make him talk.

Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Louis inspected the sheetof paper closer. It was the first version of an old song he hadwritten. A song he has been forced to write. For One Direction.

"I ..." Louis was really trying to speak but no words werecoming out. Nothing. He was looking like an idiot.

"When Jackson told us he had hired a new songwriter to improveour lyrics because everyone thought the old ones were soulless andmeaningless he was talking about you. He brought you back to writeour songs and never told us. You didn't tell us either because youweren't allowed to, right? Jackson said the songwriter wanted to stayout of the spotlight but he just didn't want us to know he was makingyou write our songs. Am I close?" Harry connected the dots, mostlytalking to himself.

Louis looked up at Harry for a second, locking eyes, before he letout a sigh and dropped his head. "Yes, you're right".

He fully expected Harry to ask him a thousand questions now andget mad as hell but he wasn't expecting him to touch his chin lightlywith his fingers and lift his head up to lock eyes with him again.And Louis couldn't look away this time.

"It was exactly a year after I left" Louis started to tellhim, never breaking the eye contact. "I was so confused when hecalled me and never expected him to demand my presence in London. Hetold me he needed my lyrics for the band because the first album wasquite okay but too superficial and impersonal. I remember how shockedI was to hear him say my lyrics are good because a year ago he hadtold me my lyrics aren't good enough for the band and I shouldn't ...It made no sense to me. Obviously, I refused to work for him. Iwanted nothing to do with him. I was out of the picture. But that wasthe point. I wasn't. He still had so much power over me. I might havebeen able to leave because it was easier for everyone but my contractstill had my signature and it was legal to demand my services. Heforced me to write your next albums. I couldn't fight back. He wouldhave ruined the life I had built up here. I knew he could and hereminded me of that fact every day since then. By now, I'm kinda outof it and wouldn't write your after hiatus album but who knows? Hemight find a different way to force me back into it".

"I'm so sorry, Louis. You didn't deserve this. You just wantedto be away from all of this bullshit and he never left you alone. Andnow we also remind you of everything that happened. I'm really sorryyou had to go through this. If it's any help your lyrics are amazing.I loved every song you wrote. Weirdly enough, I've always felt aconnection to your words and never understood why. Now it makessense. It was you. Always you. All along" Harry stroked over hischeek down to his jawline tenderly, lost somewhere in his mind, butLouis was fully awake and frozen to the spot.

"Thanks, Haz. I was trying to find the right words and writestuff you guys would like to sing about. Jackson just always madesure the word girl or baby was added everywhere. That wasn't me"Louis looked away now, causing Harry to drop his hand.

"Of course" Harry snorted amusedly. "That suits him".

"Sorry that I didn't tell you sooner but I signed so muchbullshit and I couldn't ...".

"Sh, it's okay, Lou" Harry shushed him softly. "Iunderstand".

"You do?" Louis breathed out, somehow emotionally exhausted.

"Yeah, I get it. Jackson really did a number on you and I reallycan't believe he did all that. I'm not sure what to think anymore orwhat to do ..." Harry trailed off but then realised he wasn'talone. "Anyway, how has your day been? Zayn said you were out".

"I was. With Dylan" Louis replied shortly.

"He really seems to be a nice guy, which is good because youdeserve an amazing boyfriend" Harry commented weirdly.

"Thanks, Haz. But he isn't my boyfriend and we're notnecessarily anything anymore. I think we broke things off today?"Louis corrected him, feeling too much at once.

"What? Why?" Harry stared at him in pure shock.

"We were never meant to be more than friends and he realisedthat sooner than I did but he is right. I really like him but I'm notanywhere close to falling for him and something tells me I neverwould. Maybe that's why I never asked him to be my boyfriend. It'shard sometimes, you know? Letting people in" Louis told himhonestly and didn't know why.

"I know what you mean. Letting someone new in and putting your trust in them is scary sometimes" Harry nodded along.

"I don't trust anyone" Louis blurted out before he could stophimself, causing Harry to look funnily at him. "I mean, I havetrouble trusting people who aren't Zayn. By now, I think I trustDylan but I was still too hesitant to take the next step. I was luckyenough that he knew why and understood. He gave me all the time Ineeded and I appreciate that".

"Is Jackson the reason why you don't trust people?" Harryasked hesitantly.

Louis looked at him and searched for something in his eyes.Sinking further into those green pools reminded Louis that he wantedto stay away from Harry and not let him deeper in but a part of Louiswanted to deepen their new bond and maybe being honest and lettinghim in on his past relationships was a good idea.

"Partly but not solely. I had some really messed uprelationships. It made me really careful and closed off" Louisfinally answered Harry when he had found the courage to speak.

"Oh. If you wanna talk about it I'm all ears and promise to keepit to myself and never tell anyone but I'd understand when you don'twanna tell me" Harry offered him sweetly.

"I had my first boyfriend pretty late. Only one year after Ileft the band. His name was Josh and I met him through my new work asa songwriter. For Jackson, I might add here. You might even know Joshnow that I think about it" Louis started to tell him his story.

"His name sounds familiar. Is he married to a woman namedHannah?" Harry tried to remember him. Louis only nodded. "Ididn't know he is gay".

"He isn't. He is ... something. It really doesn't matter. Westarted dating after we worked on a song together and everything wasgood. We kept it all private and a secret from Jackson and everyonearound us in the business because no one knew he wasn't straight. Noone really cared about me but he was always told he could make it bigas a songwriter. And he did, I guess. It's um ... We had a lot ofstupid arguments about everything and nothing and had barely time foreach other. We broke up just to get back together a few weeks laterand that for years on end. Always on and off. Our dynamic turned soweird and toxic over time but we were so used to it that we didn'tstop. I'm not even sure if we loved each other or were just addictedto and dependent on each other. Probably the latter. I know I neverreally loved him and he never loved me to begin with. Nevertheless,we actually talked about marriage and a future together before we hadanother huge fight where he just ran off. It was just like our usual'breaks' with the only difference that he didn't come back this time.We never really broke up but he started dating Hannah out of nowhere.I think it was two months of silence and then I heard the news. We kindatalked one last time at work, which was a horrible idea. He told meit was all just fun and never serious because he could never be witha man forever and always wanted a woman by his side. Someoneoverheard us talking and he completely denied me. That was the end ofit. Five years of my life wasted with an on-off-relationship that wasnever serious, to begin with" Louis opened up to Harry completely,who had come closer as soon as Louis had mentioned how toxic they'vebeen. Deep down, Louis knew he never loved Josh because he had nevergotten over Harry but that really didn't matter. Love wasn't made forhim.

"I really don't know what to say. This is horrible. What he didwas ... you didn't deserve that. I'm sure he was serious. It'sprobably a case of internalized homophobia" Harry guessedhelplessly.

"I think so, too. Doesn't make it any better but I'm over it bynow. I had a boyfriend after Josh in hopes it would get better"Louis was biting his bottom lip harshly.

"Was it?" Harry hooked with big eyes.

"Yes and no. Our relationship lasted only a couple of months.Four, I think? But it wasn't toxic. Not great either but okay. We hadissues with developing a good dynamic. Everywhere. Apparently, he wassick of trying and decided to cheat on me. He was also in the musicbusiness. A young producer. Maybe I should start dating ordinarypeople like Dylan. Alec was just another fail" Louis let his mindrun free and simply spilt his guts.

"Alec? That name rings a bell but I can't put my finger on it"Harry looked uncomfortable out of the sudden.

"Alec Meyer. He works with Jackson and Barry, too. Produced ashit ton of songs and thinks he is a walking miracle sent fromheaven. I even have a picture of us still on my wall. Here" Louisstood up from his bed and walked over to his photo wall above his desk,pointing at a certain picture of him and Alec. "Remember him?".

"No".

Louis studied Harry's face closely. He looked pale and petrifiedand uncomfortable but Louis couldn't say why. Maybe talking aboutLouis' past boyfriends wasn't the best idea. After all, Harry wasstill straight and not used to talking about boys like this and theyweren't really anything. No friends, nothing.

"How is it going with Sabrina?" Louis quickly changed thetopic to make Harry feel better, which made him feel worse.

Harry seemed to relax immediately. "Good. She is amazing. We'regoing to dinner tonight. That's why I wanted to see you in the firstplace. I need a good restaurant but I haven't been here long enoughto know all the new ones. Do you have any idea?".

Biting back an inappropriate comment, Louis exhaled deeply beforefocusing on Harry's problem at hand. "Sure. Just go to ...".

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Louis wrote all of the band's songs. Did you see that coming?

Thoughts on his past boyfriends and why Harry reacted the way he did?