10th Dec 1998

Sameer watched her rigid back, as she stood in the distance staring at the pool. Based on the numerous times he had gazed at his watch since he spied her after excusing himself from the dancing, she had been standing like that for at least twenty minutes.

What are you thinking Naina? He mentally kicked himself for asking that question. What kind of stupid question is that?! Of course, she's thinking about that night, and how it all started by the pool.

Over the years, Sameer had tried to analyse the morale predicament of what had happened. Agreed, he had not set out to seduce her that night, but neither had he tried to truly control his urges in those moments. That she had not stopped him at any point, or said no, should be enough to absolve him of any wrongdoing. And yet, sometimes, it didn't feel enough. He couldn't make any sense of this feeling. Because her every eager kiss, tender caress, throaty moan, and the scratches on his back that she had left in the throes of passion, had all screamed yes, again and again.

Sometimes he wondered, if he had rushed things that night, because of the restlessness raising in him due to the unacknowledged and unaddressed fear of their time together ending soon. Had she done the same? Was she now consumed by these same dilemmas too?

Whatever she thought or felt, he knew that for him, instead of extinguishing any fires, it had only condemned him to keep burning for her for the years to come.

The intensity of his yearning for her was beyond any rationale. Try as may, he couldn't make it seem logical. She had her own allure, but she wasn't some super model gracing the pages of fashion magazines. She was bright, but not someone who had earned awards for any huge contribution to the betterment of humankind. She wasn't the first girl he had kissed or slept with. And yet, the time with her had managed to eclipse all other memories of his past.

What did that girl of five feet and two inches have that he felt adrift after her?

This, not understanding, of why she made him feel this way, drove him to distraction. At times, he had been angry at her for affecting him so much, and at other times, he had been livid at himself for allowing her memories to dominate him so much. But she was like a bloody bug that he had caught and just couldn't shake off! She had invaded his entire being and captured his body and soul.

Maybe, that is where the problem lay, his logical brain not being able to undersatnd and accept the illogical whims of his heart. Maybe, life would have been much simpler, had he not tried to rationalize his longing for her.

Naina still stood seemingly staring at the pool. It seemed like she had finished all her duties for the day. Sameer stood deliberating whether this would be a good time to approach her. But every two minutes someone or the other would stop by him.

Just as he ended his conversation with some uncle from Delhi, Kabir turned up with two more glasses and a plate heaped with finger foods. "Hey, did you try the Tandoori Paneer Tikka? It's just awesome man!" he thrust the plate forward till Sameer popped one in his mouth and then another nodding his head in approval. Sameer muttered "And go a little easy on the drinks. I don't want another lecture from Mom, or few more taunts from Hitler Dadi!" Kabir chuckled "Boy, you are definitely aging prematurely!"

Has she fallen asleep standing up? How can anyone stand still for so long?! He glanced in her direction restlessly.

One of kids by the pool jumped in the water with a loud shriek. Naina was jolted out of her reminiscing. She contemplated on returning to her colleagues but could not stomach the prospect of another long-winded monologue from Guptaji. Also, she needed some time to compose herself, just in case she ran into him.

Casting a look around, she moved in the direction of the path leading to the rose garden. The path was covered with a metallic arched frame supporting a thick growth of jasmine creepers. She deeply inhaled the fragrance as she passed underneath the creepers.

Finding herself a quiet spot in the rose garden, she settled on a metal garden chair painted in white. The half-moon overhead cast a dim light. Since her arrival, the day before, she had determinedly avoided the swimming pool area. But it had just been a matter of time.

A couple of tears trickled down her cheeks, while a nostalgic smile played at the corners of her lips. This could happen only with him. Joy and pain at the same time. That night too, the jab of sharp pain had been accompanied by a gigantic wave of euphoria. In fact, he hadn't even seemed to notice it. He hadn't asked about the momentary discomfort and she had been too shy to say anything.

Two days gone. Just another four to go. Her heart wrestled with the emotions of relief and distress.

The clicking of footwear accompanied by a rustling sound disrupted her thoughts. Oh God! Is he here to talk?

But before any further speculations, she heard an unfamiliar female voice "Deepu! Please don't be like this. You have to know, that she was just trying to" Deepika cut her off angrily "Just trying to do what exactly?! We have always shared even the stupidest gossip about ourselves with each other! And she hid this from me, for over a month now?" The other woman tried to patiently explain "Geeta didn't share with you only because she was thinking of your pain."

Deepika snorted "Really?! Ishita, you are also taking her side now?" Her quivering voice was laced with both hurt and anger "Maybe I will cast my evil eye on her as per the old-wife's tales! Is that what she thinks? That I, her cousin, will wish her bad luck because I lost my baby?"

Ishita pulled her to a set of garden furniture of table and chairs "Sit down Deepu, and calm down. Don't be silly, you know Geeta. She would never think like this." After a slight pause, Ishita continued "Deepu, its's not just Geeta, everyone keeps tiptoeing around you. We are all trying to be sensitive to your loss and pain."

She placed a bottle and couple of glasses on the table "Let's have some wine and talk this through. I understand it's been painful for you, but it won't last." She smiled "Ollie is here now. Have fun with him. Enjoy this beautiful romantic location. Once the six months are over, you can try for another baby. It's just a matter of time. You will get over it." Deepika flinched and then responded very flatly "Maybe you are right."

As Ishita picked up the bottle, Deepika shook her head "I would like to be alone for some time. I will join you all in a bit." Ishita clasped her shoulder "Are you sure Deepu? Should I send Ollie?" Deepika muttered "No, please don't let anyone come. I really need some time to myself. And leave the bottle."

Ishita left and Deepika let out a sigh of relief. She had been about to snap at her after hearing her well-intended but insensitive advice. Luckily, she had a lot of self-control.

Comprehension dawned on Naina. Something had seemed a little strange about Deepika's demeanour. Her overall listlessness had seemed inconsistent with the image of a newlywed young woman. Especially one married to the man of her choice.

For a while, both the young woman sat shrouded in the darkness, drowning in their melancholy thoughts. Some guilt gnawed at Naina as she stood and ventured out of her hiding spot. When Deepika looked up startled, Naina apologised "I did not mean to spy on your conversation. I was just out here for some alone time too." Deepika nodded dully "It's okay."

Naina started to turn towards the path leading back to the lawn, but stopped and asked, her voice almost a whisper "You had a miscarriage recently?" As Deepika nodded, Naina stood quietly for a moment and then continued her words sounding both soft and strong "I am deeply sorry for your loss. It will get a little easier with time. But if someone tells you that you will get over it, they don't have the slightest idea about what they are saying. It's not something you can get over."

Deepika was taken aback by this statement "How can you say this?!" Her shoulders slightly sagging, Naina replied in a pained voice "Because I know." Deepika paled with understanding and mumbled "You have lost one too?" This time it was Naina's turn to nod wordlessly.

Naina made another attempt to drag her feet away "Stay strong. I hope things get better for you soon." Deepika called out "Please come sit with me. It's hard to... I find it hard to talk to others who don't seem to understand what I feel." Probably craving the same, Naina walked over and settled in the chair which had been occupied by Ishita earlier.

Silence prevailed for a minute and then Deepika spoke "Though well intended, I find their constant concern stifling at times. They have started treating me like I am made of glass. My cousin Geeta, didn't share the news of her pregnancy with me!"

Recalling her earlier remarks to Ishita, Naina asked "Do you really believe all that evil-eye stuff?" Deepika shook her head "No. And I know neither does Geeta. I was just hurt by the concealment." Deepika continued sounding frustrated "I just wish that none of them knew!"

Looking at her intently, Naina said "But then you couldn't have grieved the way you are doing now. Do you think, smiling through this wedding, or every day of your life, pretending like it never happened, could have been easier?"

"I know, I am being unrealistic." Deepika admitted. After staring in the dark for bit, Deepika asked her "Has it been long?" Naina responded evasively "It's been some time, but not long enough."

The younger woman whispered sounding lost "I just don't know if I can go back to being who I was before it." Naina responded softly "So what if you can't? It cannot be undone. But you are still yourself, just a modified version." Deepika confessed "I can't stop worrying, what if Ollie can't love this me?" Smiling a little, Naina replied in a reassuring tone "He married you for love. For better or worse, right? So, he will love all versions of you."

Deepika only looked more torn. She uttered shakily "We got married in a rush because of the pregnancy." After dwelling in this new information for a bit, Naina asked "For how long were you both together before? It is a new relationship?" Deepika dismissed the notion "Not new at all. We had been a couple for close to five years. We have been through our share of breakups and makeups. But we can never stay away from each other for long." Naina probed "So, why the doubts then?"

Deepika let out a sigh "We had not got around to talking about marriage or settling down when I got pregnant. I worry, that maybe he regrets getting married now, when the reason is gone. We knew that it would raise a lot of eyebrows and my family would have been rather angry at me, so we decided to act quickly and just got married straightaway without telling anyone about it. We announced the wedding and the pregnancy all at the same time to our families."

Oh... now the small wedding makes sense, Naina mused. She asked sounding a little alarmed "Would your family have harmed you in anyway if they heard about the pregnancy while you were still unmarried?" All the news of so-called honour killings flashed across her mind. Could they, or he, be like that?! Her insides coiled in anxiety.

The younger woman shook her head in strong negation "It's not like that. But, you know, it's still not something that parents would feel happy hearing about. I am sure my Dadi would have given my parents a hard time. And she loves finding faults with my mother!" Naina made some noise of understanding. She addressed Deepika again "It sounds like there is deep love between you and Oliver. He has lost something too, and it must be rather hard on him too."

Musing on what Naina had just said, Deepika said with a ghost of a smile playing on her lips "My doctor had suggested that I attend some group therapy sessions and talk about all this with other women who were dealing with same grief. For some reason, I decided that it didn't sound like something that would work for me. But, talking to you now, it's making me question my decision."

Abruptly turning to her latest confidant, Deepika remarked sounding confused "For some reason, I didn't think that you are married." Turning paler, Naina uttered hoarsely "I am not." Her brow deeply creased, Deepika looked at her "But, how is that possible?" and then she answered her own question "Oh! Just like me. Sorry, that was a stupid assumption. I just didn't realise that these things are common here too." Naina mumbled "Not common, but they do happen."

Deepika looked at the woman next to her in a new light. She asked softly "It couldn't have been easy to tell your family, right? Were they very mad at you?" A few tears flowed from Naina's eyes "They don't know anything. It was still early days." Deepika's voice came out a mere whisper "They didn't know? Not even your mother?" Naina shook her head. Deepika looked at her uncomprehendingly "How could she not know? How did you deal with it on your own? Why didn't you tell her?" Naina took a long breath "I suppose I would have told her eventually. But once I lost the baby, what was the point? I couldn't have lived with the disappointment that would have peeked from her eyes forever."

Once again silence descended upon them.

Deepika just couldn't imagine how she would have coped with her pain without her family's shoulder to lean on. Those first few weeks, her mother would drop by her and Ollie's flat everyday with the excuse of brining some meals over. When there was absolutely no space in the fridge, Vishakha started bringing over home baked cookies and cakes. Deepika had not even noticed till much later, that Ollie had got into the habit of taking the baked goods into his office to distribute amongst his colleagues.

Her father and Rohan had taken turns popping over for a cup of tea, or to fix that creaky door which didn't really need any real fixing apart from a few drops of oil in the hinges. Her two close friends and couple of her cousins that she was attached to, would stop by and whisk her away for a walk or to the café for some coffee, claiming they just happened to be in the neighbourhood. Sameer had started calling her frequently from Indonesia where he was working at that point in time. When she continued sounding listless for weeks, he had wrapped up the work there ahead of schedule and returned to London.

And Ollie had been her rock. After shedding some tears with her to start with, he had done everything he could to just be there for her. Renting her favourite movies, picking up fashion magazines on the way home, rubbing her feet as they watched telly, he had been there by her side.

Deepika looked at the young woman who hadn't had the privilege of being treated like a glass doll. Seeing Naina's tears gaining momentum, few tears trailed down her cheeks too. Reaching out to squeeze Naina's hand she asked, "Did he stay by your side through it?" When Naina just looked at her appearing a little lost, she pressed "I mean the father. Was he supportive?"

Naina looked at Deepika's tear stained face and a sob escaped "He doesn't know." "What do you mean? Did you not tell him when you found out? How could you not tell him?!" Deepika questioned, baffled. Naina shook her head despondently "He had left when I realised that I was pregnant. I was planning on reaching out to him. But before I could, I lost the baby, and then there didn't seem any point in telling him either."

Deepika did what her family had done for her. Walking over to Naina, she hugged her and let her cry. Naina buried her face against Deepika's tummy and grieved, oddly relieved in the thought that someone was bearing witness to her pain, to her loss. They stayed in that position for some time, their tears mingling. Finally, Naina pulled away muttering "Thank you. I cannot tell you how much this means to me. I've never spoken to anyone about this. Ever."

"I am glad I could be of some help." Deepika smiled weakly as she collapsed in her chair. A moment later she turned to Naina flabbergasted "I still can't get my head around it. How did you manage it on your own? Did you not need any medical assistance?"

Naina replied "I live with my family in a town about an hour's distance from Ahmedabad." Looking at Deepika a little oddly, she continued "That day, I was in Ahmedabad to attend a prayer meet for someone who had passed away. I had been hoping to meet up with someone later that day, hence had organised to stay with an older colleague Mrs Patel for that night."

Her eyes grew moist again and her voice raspy "I woke up in the middle of the night bleeding heavily. Mrs. Patel called for her gynaecologist. By the time she got there and conducted the check-up, there wasn't much to be done. She moved me to her hospital for some procedure and kept me there till the next evening. Mrs Patel was kind enough to let me stay at her place for another night, till I could compose myself enough to return home."

"You just went back as though nothing had happened??" Deepika uttered in disbelief. "I had to." Naina stated simply, and then spoke again "It wasn't easy. In the beginning, I think I was too numb to react. Later, it kept eating away at me. But I have responsibilities, and I knew I had to keep going."

"I really am so sorry Naina. I cannot imagine what you have been though. And here I am cribbing about too much fussing over by my family and friends! I feel ashamed now, of my earlier outburst." Deepika muttered reaching out to clasp her hand again. Naina silently squeezed back her hand.

The air around them was fragrant with the rose blooms. The moonlight soft and serene. And yet nothing could soothe the agony in their hearts.

Pulling her hand away, Deepika poured some wine in the glasses left behind by Ishita. Deepika pushed a glass in Naina's direction, and held up her own with in catch in her voice "To our babies, who have wandered away. May they find their way back to us." It sounded more like a prayer.

Naina muttered "I don't drink." Deepika urged her "Just have a sip. It's-" Naina cut her off "Bad luck to not drink while making a toast, right?" Deepika nodded and Naina drew the glass to her lips and took a sip without really tasting the contents.

The silence stretched, again. "Do you worry, about what will happen the next time?" Deepika asked. Naina shook her head "I haven't really thought about it."

Deepika admitted "I worry all the time. The doctor said we can try again in six months, and there doesn't seem to be any real reason for concern. But I worry. Though it was unplanned, Ollie was so excited. He is Irish and comes from a big family. I am sure he wants at least a couple of kids."

She continued sounding slightly agitated "Once I realised, I swear, I did everything right! I immediately started the prenatal vitamins, had lots of fruits and veggies, not one drop of alcohol. And still I wonder if I should have done something differently and feel guilty." Deepika turned to Naina glumly "Do you feel that? The guilt?"

Naina answered despondently "I didn't realise to start with. I was about two months pregnant when I figured out. Being unmarried, I couldn't just go to a doctor. I was too overwhelmed. I spent two weeks trying to figure out how I could tell him. Then, it happened." Slowly turning the glass in her hand, she went on "I don't think, I could have done anything differently."

As Deepika nodded her head in understanding, Naina spoke again "But, I have my share of guilt. Shame really."

Her hands and words both trembled "That day, while on the bus heading back home, after I lost the baby. For one small fleeting moment, I was relieved. Relieved that I don't have to go home and tell my mother and Nani about the pregnancy. That there would be no inquisitions, accusations, and judgements. Relived that I don't have to make any decisions!"

She went silent for a bit, swallowing the salt gathering at the back of her throat. Her voice came out more like a whimper "Deepika, what sort of mother does that make me?" Deepika sighed "A very desperate one." and then she continued trying to assure the guilt-ridden young woman "Naina, you didn't do anything to harm the baby. And even if you had, it would have been understandable. So, stop feeling guilty of just a thought or a feeling." Naina stayed silent desperately trying to believe Deepika's words.

"If you hadn't lost the baby, do you think he would have stood by you?" Deepika asked, and when Naina didn't answer right away, she added "Did you love him?"

The first question, Naina had grappled with all these years. "I think he would have stood by me... But I don't know for sure. As it turned out, I didn't really know him that well." Despair threaded her words as she uttered "Did I love him?? Yes. I have to believe that I did. Else, all this pain would have been for nothing."

"And do you think he loved you too?" Deepika asked that question, the one Naina believed she knew the answer to. Naina shook her head, the defeat evident in her voice "No. Once he left, he never looked back."

Deepika nudged the glass closer to her lips "Go on, have a proper drink." Through the tears, Naina smiled slightly looking at the woman sitting across from her. She is so much like him! Some of the things she says... And yet so different!

"I cannot handle alcohol. I had some that night." Naina shared. Deepika looked at her surprised "The night you lost-" Naina was quick to correct her "Oh no! Not that night. I meant, the night I spent with him. I think whatever happened, it was all because of the beer I had!"

Deepika sighed "Oh dear... we have all been there. That extra glass, which we know, can only lead to trouble. And we still don't say no to it!" Naina mumbled naively "I didn't have so much... It was just a few sips, but I couldn't handle even that." Deepika was puzzled "Few sips of beer?? Just how many do you think you had?"

Her face scrunched Naina tried to recollect "I think it was four or maybe five sips." Deepika snorted "Sweetie, in that case, whatever happened, stop blaming the poor beer for it. It was all you. And of course, him! Nobody gets drunk on few sips of beer, unless, maybe they have some severe medical condition."

"Really?!" Naina kept staring at her wide eyed. Deepika shrugged her shoulders "Have five sips of the wine and you will know." Her heart thudding, Naina took another sip. Deepika smiled at her "Trust me." And then winked trying to lighten the atmosphere even if just marginally "And even if you get drunk, I promise, that I will not take advantage of you!" This comment had the desired effect on Naina, and a smile spread across her face. Looking at Deepika very emotionally, she said softly "I will be thankful to you forever, for tonight."

As the younger woman smiled slightly, Naina thought to herself that it felt right that Deepika was the one shedding tears for her baby with her. After all, it had been something to Deepika too.

"So, tell me about your and Ollie's romance." blinking some tears away, she urged Deepika, keen to move to some simpler topics.

Deepika, recognising it for what it was, narrated how Oliver had asked her to be his date for the prom at the end of year eleven of their school. They had studied together for the next two years till they completed their A levels. Later, both had pursued their degrees in different colleges. Oliver had completed his degree in Business Management, while Deepika had gone for Interior Design. Three years of studying and living apart had come with many challenges, more than a few fights and a few breakups. But they had persevered through all of it.

Having finished their graduation just this summer, Oliver had already started working. Deepika had postponed her plan to start working when she had found out about the pregnancy. But she had recently received an offer and planned to start the new job on returning to London after the wedding.

As Deepika spoke, Naina kept comparing her impression of Sameer's sister based on what he had shared back then, to the woman sitting in front of her now.

Deepika looked at Naina in wonder. She had finally found someone who had helped her gain some perspective of her own situation, and that too after traveling a few thousand miles! She felt an inexplicable kinship with this newly found friend.

"So, who was this stupid guy, who walked away from you?" she asked abruptly. Naina looked at her slight alarm, but then decided that she was just been inquisitive in general.

Carefully leaving out everything that could reveal his identity, she shared enough to quench Deepika's curiosity. She had to admit, it felt good, finally talking to someone a little about him and their time together.

Deepika watched her intently, not missing the way Naina's eyes softened and the slight blush that crept up her cheeks even now, as she spoke of him. There had been love from her end for sure.

Suddenly looking at her half-empty glass, Naina exclaimed "You were right! I must have had more than six-seven sips now. And I am absolutely fine." Deepika chuckled "I told you so! And for your information wine is stronger than beer. So, though a douche, the guy must have been very charming!" Naina immediately retorted "He isn't a douche. I mean, wasn't. I was stupid enough to read too much into his actions." Deepika silently shook her head at the poor still-hopelessly-in-love girl.

A little while later, they decided to head back. As they walked back the path, Naina abruptly tugged on Deepika's arm "Please promise me that you won't say a word of this to anyone. And I mean anyone!" Seeing Deepika's sceptical expressions, she rushed to explain "People are too quick to judge. It takes years to build one's credibility and just moments to lose it. Please, I would really appreciate you not mentioning anything to anyone." Deepika nodded in agreement.

As they approached the guests assembled on the lawn, they spotted Oliver briskly walking in their direction.

"Who is she?" questioned Kabir. Sameer who had been checking with some elderly relative if he had eaten dinner, turned to him confused "Who?" Indicating in the direction of the two young women walking back, Kabir asked baffled "Who is the girl with Deepu? Have they been drinking on their own? Like a private party or what?!" It was Sameer's turn to be baffled now. He had not been able to spot her for over an hour and had assumed that she had once again sneaked to her room. Has she been with Deepu all this time? And that too drinking? Has she changed so much?!

Naina fondly smiled at Deepika "It's going to be all good for you. I am sure. Just talk to Ollie, okay?" The younger woman smiled and then rushed to her husband who pulled her into a hug. Naina cast a glance full of longing over her shoulder at the newlyweds, then dumping the bottle and used glasses on a nearby table, started heading inside.

Sameer pondered on how to approach Naina while Kabir was by his side.

"Naina! Wait for me." She turned to spot Vibha hurrying in her direction. Coming closer her colleagues fired away "Where have you been? I looked for you everywhere! Mihir and Guptaji were also starting to get worried. Nobody could remember seeing you after the dance lessons." Peering at her face closely, Vibha asked sounding suspicious "Have you been crying? What happened? Did anyone amongst those people misbehave with you?"

Naina tried to put Vibha's doubts to a rest. "Nothing like that. I was tired and sat down to rest a bit. Deepika spotted me and we just ended up chatting for some time." Vibha muttered "Oh... that's a relief. But don't wander off on your own. It's better to stick together and stay safe."

She went on "How is Deepika? She is the groom's sister, right?" Naina smiled a little "She is lovely. Really lovely."

"That's good. That woman from the bride's side that I am dealing with is a real pain! Keeps finding fault with everything. I mean, what can I do about having to climb four hundred steps to reach the temple? I am already dreading the next few days!" Vibha grumbled all the way back to their rooms.

Fuming silently, Sameer drained his glass, as he watched her exiting the Garbha venue with her colleague. He muttered to Kabir "I need another one." His friend asked sardonically "What happened to wanting to take it slow?" Sameer huffed and headed to the makeshift bar.

* * *

"Deepu, why didn't you say any of this to me before? Babe, do you really not have the slightest of inkling of how crazy I am about you?!" Oliver was pacing at the foot of their bed. Sniffling a little she replied "Ollie, I should have spoken up before. I know that. I just wasn't ready. But talking to Naina today, I just wanted to share exactly how I feel. I know you love me. But, tell me would you have wanted to get married like this had it not been for the pregnancy?!"

Before he could reply, she spoke again, this time pulling him closer "But, more than anything, I wanted you to know, just how lucky I feel to have had you by my side through all this. Thank you so much for all your patience and understanding. For always being there for me." He pressed his lips to hers "Hey, there is no place in the world that I would rather be! We belong together, right? We always have, and always will."

Burying her face in the crook of his neck, Deepika started sobbing afresh "I love you so much..." As Oliver gently rubbed her back trying to get his wife to calm down, Deepika's heart was with the other girl, who had never had the luxury of being comforted by the pair of arms she must have longed for.

* * *

(I know, this was probably another unexpected reveal and rather painful too. Hope you still liked it.

I have personally not experienced such a loss, so I am really sorry if I have not been able to convey Naina and Deepika's emotions here sensitively.

Take care all of you. Stay home and stay safe. And waiting for your comments!

Lots of love, May)