🚨Not edited!!!!!🚨

I've been in our apartment since he left its been 12 weeks the hardest and longest weeks of my life I miss him so much.

Isn't 12 weeks 3 months why isn't he walking through our door?

I can't get hold of him at all and the worst part is asking myself if he's thinking of me? does he still love me?

12 Weeks without my best friend was hell I had no idea how long he's supposed to be gone but will I survive it?

☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️

I heard a knock while in bed...I knew it wasn't him he never knocked always said he wanted to catch me cheating...he was an idiot....my idiot

"Go away"

After some time I was happy I'm alone again...the keys rattled and someone walked in.

"Oak I've been worried sick...... omg it stinks in here"

I rolled my eyes and covered my face...

It's not over.....not with Jess...

The windows and curtains were opened glasses and plates were washed...

Ice cold water woke me up, my friend is ruthless who does this?

"What the hell Jess"

"Good you are up, go take a shower"

I got up and showered and put on decent clothes while she fixed my hair.

I looked human but felt empty.

She drove Jaxon's car.

"This is so romantic he gave you his car"

"He borrowed me his car" I remembered the  sex  we had in this car ...fuck!

I nodded...if we were both not lost we would be happy like Jess and Jax.

She parked in a building I wasn't familiar with I looked for any signages and finally saw it was the therapist great!!!!

"Call me when you're done," Jess said sitting in one of the waiting rooms.

The walk to her office was painful I wasn't ready to unpack anything.

I knocked and she opened the door for me she looked perfect.

Her office was beautiful full of succulent plants I only know because my mom and nana loved them.

I immediately tensed up thinking of my mom...

"Sit anywhere I have sweets and I'm going to be taking notes that will help okay," she said that like I had a choice...

"Tell me about your childhood or anything you feel comfortable talking about"

I was sitting on her couch it was comfortable but I was mad I didn't want this I wanted Jamie.

"My mom is a Bitch that sold me out to her new husband who's an even bigger ass and they have mini-assholes running around.

"Your dad"

"Nolan isn't my real father I've always had my suspicions from the way he spoke to me while he doesn't do that to Samantha my older sister,

(I paused crying I Didn't want to choke on my words it's the first time I'm talking about this)

One night I was 4 and I just had a great day birthday party after lying down from playing my dad thought I was sleeping he put a pillow over my face...

I felt like I couldn't breathe but couldn't fight back how was I supposed to fight him?

My mom walked in and found him after he explained he wanted to help, I knew my mom knew he wanted to kill me but didn't help me or talk to him"

"Doc can I ask?"

"Sure"

"Feeling lost falls under which stage of grief because after granny died a part of me died with her but then I thought I could go forward and I met Jamie, it was amazing but he's an addict so I know what you will say

"You steal his stash"

I looked out the window wanting to be anywhere but here talking about emotions and feelings that have completely taken over my body.

"Oak"

"Yes I steal them, my anxiety pills finished and I couldn't get any without a prescription so I'm here please help with the prescription"

"I can't do that Oak and you know why"

"Then why the fuck I'm I here a doctor? to look at your beautiful eyes or your office with a million flowers don't you feel suffocated in here it's.... hot it's getting uncomfortable "

"Thank you for the compliment but I love it here it's my happy place those plants are succulent plants I'll tell you why I chose them in our next session"

"Will I get a prescription?"

"Will you tell me what goes on, in your head first"

"I lost my granny and I was in the dark my mom sold me out to keep a man, the man hated me cause she cheated and had me, oh and my stepdad killed my dad how fucked up is that right? Anyway, my nana took me in, and now she's dead and grief is a mother fucker one moment I'm fine I can do this the next I'm a mess wishing I could be told it's a nightmare and I asked you DOES FEELING LOST FALL IN ANY OF THE STEPS OF GRIEF? If yes which because it's

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

"It's the first Oak what did you feel when you heard your nana was gone?"

"Numb like it wasn't true till I saw her lifeless body in her 2 million-dollar casket "

"Million dollars?" she asked confused.

"My mom went on and on about how expensive it was like it proved how much she loved her mother " I wiped my tears...

She got up to get tissues and gave me...

I used them and for the first time, I felt lighter and wondered why I stopped going to these sessions...

"You won't heal if you keep ignoring these feelings"

"Healing is messy and confusing Oak but it's needed no drugs or addiction of sex will fix that"

I kept quiet it's not that I didn't know that I wasn't ready to listen I still wanted more maybe I did want to destroy myself why not when my stepdad wanted me gone.

Jamie is gone I have no idea for how long and everything even the bit of hope I had left, left with him...

"Please come to the next session we will be doing exercises"

"Cool"

I stood up and left found Jess waiting for me we drove to her house I didn't want to talk I was angry and sad but didn't want to take it all on her she doesn't deserve it.

The truth is I love her and envy her at the same time everything works well for her she's proof that things can be good I just don't know why they aren't for me?

I told her I need my stuff at our apartment and she agreed so I left when I got into that empty apartment I started searching for drugs anything to numb the pain.

When I didn't find anything I called Vance and he came we had sex boring sex not worth writing about!

Still,

I felt empty his failed attempts of playing with my nipple failed, I used this moment to pretend to be turned on and we were back to the fake orgasm.

He went to the loo right after me and I went through his phone ...who saves someone as a supplier?

I copied the numbers and pretended to be lying in bed.

I felt bad for sleeping with him but I wanted to hurt Jamie like he hurt me how dare he?

After a while, he left and I was relieved I washed the sheets and showered I want nothing of his here, especially his smell.

I checked my purse and I had money so I put on Jamie's hoodie and leggings with my sneakers, my hair in a high ponytail, and went to meet the  "supplier".

He gave me coke and pills and I left I was so happy when I got to my place I  did a few lines...

"Ahhhhh peace I swear it feels like the orgasms Jamie gives me"

I relied on them to keep going I didn't need rehab...screw everyone even Duran.

I went to school only because I made a promise to nana.

I looked at the calendar and realized 11 months 3 weeks 2 days and a couple of hours passed since Jamie left 11 months of pain and terrible sex from Vance who has no idea what to do with a woman's body.

Fuck I need a new dick...

I avoided Jess so much and it worked today wasn't my lucky day cause she found me in the school restroom.

"Oak"

"Jess"

"Jess save yourself and stay away from the addict?" before he could respond I left.

... It's not what  I think but I heard her sister tell her that one time when I felt bad and needed to talk to her, I realized she was right if I destroyed myself I would never want to take her down with me.

I've been staying away from the therapist doing more drugs than I should.

I get missed calls I think it's from the center but I blocked their number cause Fuck Duran...

And his fucken perfect lips and body...

And tongue too....that I miss inside me...

Every day I went to school and kept it together because I fucken made a promise...

I couldn't wait to be done with high school.

Lexie looked like a lost puppy the dicks finally drained her, or was it the different STDs she got it wasn't my business just know karma is a bitch you never wanna mess with.

Graduation day yay!!!!!

Finally, I'm done with this I never thought I would.....but here I am.

Jess made her speech she was so happy her whole family was here and not one person was there not even that prick called Vance I've always known he doesn't love me I just needed to live a lie a bit.

After the ceremony and tossing our caps in the air I left...

Who would I stay behind and take pictures with? Or for?

I'm sorry Jess I'm the worst friend...

I sent her a message and told her to enjoy herself I will always love her no matter what.

I went home and drank wine mixing it with every drug I could find...

Why couldn't Jamie come for my graduation? I was hurt and angry at him.

The adrenalin I got from all this made me want to get in trouble...

So I took an Uber to my parent's estate...SHIT IS ABOUT TOGO DOWN...

He pulled in front of our gates and I begged for the nice security to open flashing my boobs helped.

I walked to our house high and felt like pieces of myself were fading away was I dying?

My mom opened it and looked at me I think she looked sad but she's heartless I'm sure it's the drugs...

"Mommy dearest yeah I know I look like shit by the way I graduated today  "

"What are you doing here"

"Came to say farewell or wanted closure I'm not sure "

"Honey who's at the....." Nolan came and stopped when he saw me...

"I wish you hadn't walked in on him that day mommy?" I said pushing her off the way and getting in the house.

"Which day," my mom asked

"The day your amazing husband tried to kill me I was 4 but I remember everything from the Cologne he had on, to that stupid pink golf t-shirt he was wearing with those ridiculous pants."

They looked shocked...

"I know you saw him mom and did nothing wait don't tell me he found out that day I wasn't his? "

"Can you please get out of our house"

"Or what mommy? you will put a pillow over my face and suffocate me like our husband?"

They kept quiet, finally, I didn't feel anything.

I took out my injection and rolled my top up tying my small arm with the rubber band, ready for the hit...

No, I wasn't killing myself I was sharing a part of my life with them...

The heroin ran on my veins...no wait something feels wrong it doesn't do this some liquid came from my nose it was blood?

I dropped on the floor and felt every part of my body shut down.....

What the fuck...I wanted to be high and scare them not scare myself too in the process...

Fuck!!!!

I can't see a thing it's all black, not the kind I felt when Nana died but this was scarier Jamie please save me...