In this chapter, we will review: Hacienda Silverio #1: The Castle In Your Eyes by nyariina.

The first three parts of this story that we are going to review are Prologue, Kabanata 1, and Kabanata 2.
 

PROLOGUE

• Metaphoric ang atake ng introduction o umpisa ng Prologue. Maganda rin ang pagkakasulat sa introduction na bumungad sa akin sa Prologue na ito.

Okay lang namang ganitong approach (metaphoric approach) ang gamiting pambungad sa isang nobela. Kaya lang, kailangan puliduhin ang execution pagdating dito sa nobela na ito. After kasi nung metaphoric na intro, biglang kabig sa eksena na hindi mo agad makikitaan ng koneksyon sa metaphors na sinasaad sa unang bahagi ng Prologue. In other words, the first parts of Prologue already lacked coherence with the middle part of the chapter.

• What is Coherence?

Tinatawag na may coherence ang isang akda kapag konektado o iisa ang idea ng bawat paragraph. Mahalaga ito para maunawaan ng readers ang mensaheng nais iparating ng author. An effective coherence give a story its smooth flow. Like our thoughts, dapat smooth din ang daloy ng mga kataga habang binabasa ng reader.

Kung aanalisahin ang metaphoric intro sa Prologue na ito, here’s the ideas per section in their order of appearance:

1st: Life is a hard. It’s our choice how to overcome it.

2nd: The author/character sites some recommendations on how to ease the pain we experience. Because if life is beautiful, life can be also painful. And pain makes life hard.

3rd: This part sites that other people cannot choose between overcoming struggles or bearing the pain life brings. So instead, they choose to just end their struggle.

4th: “Dreaming is my escape but it is hampered by my cowardice.”

Explains that the character/speaker’s way of overcoming life’s struggles used to be through her dreams (her career). But that capability to cope using that method (a.k.a. escape) was lost through her cowardice (fears/traumas).

5th: “I stood in front of the reporters surrounding the place.”

In this part, we began losing the coherence. From talking about life is a struggle, biglang nagbago ang visualization sa isip ng reader. It feels like watching a romance movie and someone suddenly decided to change the channel to a sports coverage. We began seeing how glamorized life is for Criseana— being sought after and admired by people, she gets a lot of attention from lots of reporters, she has stylish clothes, a lavish car, a private plane and people who accommodates her at her beck and call which doesn’t exactly match with the “life is a struggle” introduction

6th: Balik sa “Life is a struggle” concept where Criseana complains about reporters and her privacy. Then segway to a new metaphor about dreams versus freedom.

To make it short, this is the cycle of things in this chapter:

1)      Metaphoric intro

2)      Details that support the intro

3)      Insert present events that doesn’t show its connection yet to the intro

4)      Details that support the intro

5)      Balik sa present events

6)      Details that support the intro

7)      Balik sa present events

8)      Insert new metaphors

9)      Present events

10)   Details that support the intro

11)   New metaphors

And so on.

This cycle doesn’t make the chapter/prologue flow smoothly. This makes me imagine of a car in a traffic. Aandar, tapos biglang hihinto. Aandar. Hihinto. Sisingit para mauna. Tapos hihinto. Aandar. Hihinto.

Yes, it was hinted in the Prologue that it is the struggle that made the female lead (Criseana) retire from her celebrity status. It was not specified, but she describes how she hates reporters and view them as greedy and invasive of privacy. This is the only struggle of the character we saw so far, na pwede i-relate sa rant niyang life is a struggle. Criseana even mentioned that her retirement is more energy-consuming than her actual job— which just makes us feel that she’s not really struggling with it at all. Na-mention ko na rin kanina yung mga detalye na contradicting sa “life is a struggle” introduction na dahilan ng kawalan ng koneksyon o coherence sa mga paragraphs ng chapter na ito.

Now, don’t lose hope. Like everything in life, yes, may solution sa ganitong mga kaso. As for me, maybe this chapter could have been worded out/plotted better.

If the aim of the Prologue is to show/tell the readers that life is a struggle and it’s becoming hard for Criseana that’s why she retired, that’s how this chapter should be worded out. Doon dapat nag-focus ang chapter na ito. She should have given more emphasis on how much she hates the reporters and for her privacy being invaded; most especially, sa pinaka-dahilan ng kanyang pagretiro.

Example, pwedeng atakehin ng anxiety niya si Criseana sa Prologue pa lang. Pagkakaguluhan siya ng mga reporters. Hindi sila mahahandle ng guards niya kaya mahahablot siya ng mga ito, maaalala niya ang traumatic experience na may humablot din noon sa kanya. Magpapanic siya. Hihimatayin. Or, they will ask her a very private question that will trigger her anxiety— etc. Sa ganitong paraan, mas lalo niya mabibigyan ng justification kung bakit inis siya sa mga reporters. Madya-justify din niya kung bakit gusto niya magretiro. Masho-show pa (hindi lang tell) kung ano talaga ang pinakarason para magpasya siyang magretiro. (Spoiler: She retired because of her PTSD)

• “Dreaming is my escape but it is hampered by my cowardice.” Could have been followed by, “That’s why I retired.” For impact, shock factor and to keep the cohesion of the idea in tact. (Take note that the idea the Prologue is tackling about is that life is a struggle and people deal with it through overcoming it, just bearing with it, or ending it.) With this arrangement, maikokonekta agad ng readers ‘yong metaphors na bumungad sa kanila doon sa premise ng kwento o sa lead character mismo.

It could have been outlined like this:

1)      Metaphor intro that summarizes the prologue.

(Nagawa ito ng author so, check.)

2)      Bakit nasabi ng character na “life is a struggle”?

(Nakita rin ito sa Prologue sa pamamagitan ng mga katagang “Dreaming is my escape but it is hampered by my cowardice.” So, check.)

3)      Ano ang pinili ng karakter na solusyon sa pinoproblema niya? O ano na ang status ng problema niya?

(This is only answered a few paragraphs later, but I recommend na dapat nabasa agad ng reader).

4)      After this, pwede nang ituloy-tuloy ang transition sa present na kaganapan (Criseana getting inside her car after announcing her retirement).

Kasi, hindi na kakailanganin ng author magpabalik-balik sa pag-justify kung bakit life is a struggle at ano ang ginawa ng karakter ukol dito in between every paragraph or two, dahil nasagot na nung una pa lang.

I understand that the author wanted to keep the readers in suspense, kaya pinatagal ang reveal about Criseana’s PTSD. But she could have been direct to the point and save the metaphors for when they are only necessary. After all, readers are not only after the answers. They are more interested to know why the answer is the answer.

• I also don’t find this part of the dialogue necessary:

Dona, kakagaling niyo lang sa press conference. Kaka-announce lang ni Criseana na retiring na siya. What with this question, Dona? 🤣✌️

I mean, as a manager, Dona should make sure na sigurado ang mga career move na ginagawa nila ng kanyang talent. Bago pa nangyari ang presscon, Dona should have already questioned Criseana with her choices and rehearsed everything that they will do or say in front of the reporters.

This question is more appropriate kung nasa decision-making process pa lang si Criseana kung mag-reretire ba o hindi.
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CHAPTER 1

• Sa chapter na ito nabanggit kung ano ang struggle ng lead character. Kung inyong matatandaan, sa Prologue pa lang, hinahanap na natin ito for the sake of coherence.

• Tulad ng Prologue, biglang sumegway ang mga kaganapan. We lost coherence.

From “I was diagnosed with PTSD” it turned to Leonora (the maid) bantering and joking around with Francisco (the guard).

As alternative, binigyan sana muna ng kaunting pahapyaw kung ano itong new life na tinutukoy ni Criseana. She can narrate what makes it so different from her life before, sabay singit kina Leonora at Francisco.  The aim is to make the story flow smoothly, para maintindihan agad ng readers at komportable siya basahin.

The revision could be as simple as:

It was the beginning of a new life for me, with suffering and anxiety.

Kung noon, naiirita na ako sa sobrang ingay ni Dona tuwing umaga to remind my schedules, sa dami ng calls na kailangang sagutin, mga interviews at guestings; ngayon, nagdudusa pa rin ako sa sobrang ingay ng umaga. But not because of phone calls, Dona, the rush and the schedules. This time, dahil sa ingay ng madaldal na si Leonora.

“Francisco, may joke ako. Sabihin mo ‘Ano?’ daliiiii!”

• Again, overuse of metaphors. I don’t find this necessary in the scene:

Or maybe it could have been reworded a bit. This is another issue of loss of coherence. To remedy this part, write a line or two that will connect this part sa naunang mga nakasulat. Maybe a little something like, I could have told Grandpa to take me home already. But looks like he’s enjoying our pamamasyal. Ayoko gamitin ang kondisyon ko just to spoil that for him. I am unlike others who use their sickness to get privileges. Tapos sundan ng metaphor na nasa picture.

Or, if the author wants to make the paragraph less wordy but express the same message, it can be put simply as:

Besides, I'd like to see how significant the improvements in Hacienda Silverio are. Idagdag pa na ayokong samantalahin at gamitin ang kondisyon ko para lang makakuha ng special treatment at masunod lahat ng gusto ko. That would be so selfish.

• I understand that Criseana loves her Grandpa so much. That’s why she’s willing to compromise even if it makes her susceptible to the triggers of her anxiety (tulad nung pamamasyal). I just don’t get the reason or point of her moving to Everette Valley if this is the case.

Kung pagkokonektahin natin ang Prologue at itong Chapter 1, it is implied that Criseana gave up her career to recover from her PTSD. How can she even recover if she lies about it? If she compromises her condition for the sake of others? In a different plot line, this is justifiable, pero dito sa story na aware ang Grandpa niya sa kanyang kondisyon (the reason why sinabihan pa nito ang mga nakakita sa anxiety attack niya na huwag ipagsabi ang nangyari), it just doesn’t fit with her goal to live with freedom. Hindi lang ito ang contradiction na makikita sa chapter na ito.

• More contradicting ideas in this chapter:

1)      I was independent but dependent at the same time:

+ The supporting lines doesn’t sound independent to me. Up until this chapter, she remains dependent with Grandpa, Francisco, Leonora, and Ysmael at her beck-and-call. She is even still in-contact with Dona. Inasikaso ni Dona ang mga leasing documents niya at delivery ng furnitures sa Everette Valley.

2)      Is Grandpa really concerned?

+ Well, if he is concerned, he won’t expose Crisana to the triggers of her anxiety— like men, especially Ysmael. (Chapter 1 also implies that Criseana got anxiety with tan-skinned men. I assume it’s because she was kidnapped and harased). Very contradicting din ang karakter ni Grandpa sa parte na nilayo niya si Criseana sa nagbigay anxiety sa kanya na grupo ng mga kalalakihan, BUT kept her always guarded/surrounded by Francisco and Ysmael. Like, he can hire female bodyguards, right?

3)      All by myself?

Who is Criseana’s psychiatrist? Is this how she was advised on how to deal with her PTSD? What about medications? Yes, she can definitely deal with this without her Grandpa’s help or relatives’ help if she knows how. The doctor who diagnosed her, supposedly knows how. Does she still schedule appointments with her doctor? I love that the author wanted to provide a story that people with this issue can relate to and make them feel that they are not alone in their battles, but I highly suggest that we encourage to expose the readers with facts about this condition (PTSD).

Pwede naman na choice ng character to deal with her issue on her own, but the narration should clarify the repercussions of thr path she wanted to take, to provide a realistic insight to the readers. Readers might think the doctor advised this approach to Criseana (to be on her own, fight her battles alone). This bit has to be clarified.

Also, if the goal is to make Criseana resolve her PTSD issues on her own, why come back to Everett Valley? Why ask for Grandpa’s accommodations? She has money. Why not just go to Greece or somewhere not a single soul knows her, live there alone until she learns to manage her condition? The character’s actions contradicts the goals and plots. Which, might be also the reason why the coherence/flow is challenging here.
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CHAPTER 2

• Another contradicting scene:

-          Criseana can use a vacuum here if she has allergies to dust. She should have already known how to clean her room without getting exposed to dust if she lived with the allergies for years. Why is she even doing all the sweeping? Where is Leonora?

-          If this is about her doing things on my own thing, then this scene is okay without Leonora. (At naalala kong inis nga pala siya kay Leonora, so most probably, she made sure that maid won’t be around her too much). But then… just use the vacuum to avoid dusts flying around (which happens when you only use walis).

• Majority of this chapter is composed of Criseana musing around her new environment from the mansion up to the barnhouse and the farm— describing the aesthetics and all, and the feelings they bring to her. Which, I think is lovely and is the forte of the author. She knows her adjectives and metaphors very well.

Sa chapter na ito, well-placed ang mga metaphors compared sa unang dalawang chapters na may nakalagay na unnecessary metaphors and train of thoughts ni Criseana. Although maganda mag-description at metaphors ang author, laging maging maingat. Kapag napasobra kasing mga ito, iyon ang isa sa mga nagiging dahilan kaya nagiging dragging ang isang chapter o nawawala ang coherence sa isang chapter.

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SUMMARY:

Overall, Hacienda Silverio 1: The Castle In Your Eyes is a diamond in the rough— beautiful, vivid descriptions (visual and emotional), a good-intentioned story with well-written metaphors but has to be polished on these areas:

- Coherence must be practiced some more to keep the scenes in each chapter in tact, connected, and flow smoothly when read. Without coherence, the reader might be confused and have a hard time connecting the dots.

- Characterization and plots/scenes need to be reviewed/fixed/revised to fix the 'contradicting parts'.

- Metaphors has to be regulated and executed with proper timing. They can be used to tell the story, but balance it with showing the story to the readers too.

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CONCLUSION:

I hope we all learned the following from this review:

- The importance of Coherence in a novel.

- Characters’ characterization should not contradict their reactions, actions, and decisions. If they are to go through character development (change of characterization), it must be justified.

- Plot, characters, and dialogues that contradict each other can make the story lose credibility to a reader. This is not just about research but blending all the elements of your story in harmony with each other.

- As a writer, all of us have our unique advantages like, with the way we write metaphors or descriptions. But we cannot use our strengths or favorite part of the process all the time when writing a story. We have to also pay attention to other important elements of writing like characterization, proofreading, etc. We can always use our strengths in delivering an exceptional novel, but them accordingly, moderately and with discretion.

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LEARN FROM THE AUTHOR:

- Display your writing strengths in your work. It can be one of the most remarkable things that remind your readers of you and your novels!

 
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Had some realizations about writing that is not mentioned in my list? Have more questions?

Comment here!

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