I've never really noticed the presence of blood beneath the skin. Not until there was a lot of it. Or a little of it.

With Madie, it was usually the former. I loved seeing her blush. I loved that I could do something as little as tuck a curl behind her ear, and a rosy hue would appear on her cheeks. Her body and mine—we were a never-ending chain-reaction. A wildfire that kept spreading. Overpowering everything else that you thought mattered.

But the problem with a wildfire?

When it dies, there's nothing left.

As Madie sat before me, I watched as all the color drained from her face. She was pale, her blood vessels so in tune with her mind, so in tune with the shock she was feeling, that they forgot to work as well.

Finally, she set the letter beside her and looked at me. It was a stormy ocean in her eyes today.

"Bren..." she began before apparently realizing she was at a loss for words.

It was okay.

I had a lot of words—most of them were jumbled inside my head. Threats, and swear words, and shit I didn't really want to escape. But some of them were words that were worthy of being spoken. Some of them were words that she really needed to hear, words that I really needed to say.

"Madie, I've been getting letters from my dad for a long time."

"I know," she said quietly, which took me aback. I blinked at her, confused. "I saw you that one night..." She trailed off. "It doesn't matter. Keep going."

That one night. The one when I'd asked Caroline to show me the letters that I'd known had piled up. The one when I'd sat, drowning in words on the living room floor. She'd seen that.

I shook my head. It didn't matter. Not right now.

"This one came a few days ago. And fuck, baby. I didn't realize he was—"

Breaking off, I rolled my eyes to gaze at the stained dorm ceiling. Goddamnit, I couldn't even bring myself to say it. The thought of my dad watching me—watching us—sent harsh shivers down my spine. None of his other letters indicated that he knew anything of what my life was like now.

But this was always what I'd been afraid of. Him, coming back for me.

And now her.

I was going to fucking kill him.

"Bren, your dad. Isn't he..."

I looked back at her face. It was pale and bright, like the moon.

"In jail?" I clenched my jaw. "No. And I know what you're going to think about me, Madie, but I let him escape that night. And then I walked away—from him, from everything. The cops have never been able to find him. Not that they really tried that hard. But I never even thought about trying to help. I wanted out."

"Bren, I don't think anything about you," Madie replied flatly. Her words stuck to her lips, which were dry. A slight tremble was visible. "You were sixteen."

I took a brief second to soak in those words, and holy shit, I hadn't known how badly I'd needed them. But then I pushed on. "I've always known he would come back for me eventually, Madie. And I've always thought that would probably end with me dead. Like my mom."

I might've left him behind completely, but he never once let go of me. From the letters he sent to the weird tug in my chest, I've always known that something like this would happen. And I assumed he would kill me because...well, shit. I was the only witness to a murder he'd committed in cold blood. And even if that weren't the case, I wasn't about to let him walk all over me if he came around.

And Luke Hadaway didn't take kindly to people standing up to him.

It took me a moment to realize that Madie was fighting with her words. And it took me an even longer moment to realize why. Her fingers clawed at her daisy bedspread, her eyes wide in horror. "Bren, stop—don't. Don't—" She coughed a little. "Don't say shit like that."

Images were flashing through her brain; I was sure of it. I could see them as clearly as she probably could. Me, bleeding out on a dirty floor.

"Fuck," I choked, "No, baby." I rushed over, kneeling in front of her. "Not anymore. That's what I'm trying to tell you. It's different now."

"It is?" she asked in a small voice.

I curled my fingers around hers, prying them away from her bed so I could hold her hand. I gave it a squeeze and flashed her a smile. "Because of you. Madie, I want to live for you."

Her eyes were watery, fighting off the brewing storm behind them. But they didn't leave mine as she whispered, "I want that, too, Bren."

Bringing her hand up, I kissed her palm. Her eyelids fluttered closed at the light caress. And when she glanced at me again, I said, "But if I want to live for you, I have to deal with my dad." I picked up the note. "This? This is a fucking threat. It's a calling card." I took a deep breath and added, "Apparently he's ready to deal with me, too."

The tears were falling now, rolling over her cheeks. But it didn't stop me from what I needed to say. "I have to go back, Madie. I have to face him. And it's not going to be quick or simple. It's probably going to be messy. And it'll probably take time."

Madie swallowed and hastily wiped at her tears. "I'm going with you."

I'd known she was going to say that, but it still hurt like hell. Denying her was so fucking hard.

I shook my head. "No. No, you're not. You're not dropping out because of me. And I need you here. I need you safe."

She scooted forward to the edge of the bed, eager. "I'll be safe with you, Bren." Her words were stronger than the expression on her face. She knew what I was going to say, just like I knew what she was going to say. We both knew what was going to happen here.

But it played out anyway.

"You're safe here," I insisted. "Even if he knows where you are, it won't matter as long as I give him what he wants. He wants me, Madie. So that's what he's going to get, without delay. I want you to stay the fuck out of this."

Madie started to shake her head violently, strawberry-blonde hair going everywhere. "Bren, no." I still had her hand in mine, and she held it tight. "Let me be there for you like you were for me."

It was my turn to shake my head. "It isn't the same, baby," I said softly. "The reason we started this whole thing—the reason we left Oakland in the first place—was to keep you safe. And that's what I'm still trying to do."

"That's the reason we left, but it isn't the reason we stayed together." She jerked her hand out of mine.

"No, it isn't," I agreed before grabbing her hand back again. I only had a few more minutes when I could touch her, after all.

Thankfully, she let me. Her fingers reluctantly tangled back with mine, intertwining. Madie stared down at our hands, watching my thumb rub over her knuckles in soothing circles. "I love you," she mumbled.

I leaned in, tilting my forehead against hers and breathing, "Fuck, you've got to know I love you, too. I wouldn't be walking away if I didn't love you as much as I do."

Madie let out a ragged sigh. She sniffed. And then she said tightly, "That makes no sense, Bren."

And then she killed me, ripping out of my hold and pushing past my shoulder. She walked to the window. Madie's arms crossed over her chest as she stood there, looking out over the barren campus, with its rows of brick buildings and labyrinth of sidewalks.

Goddamn, life was such a maze—a maze with far too many dead ends. It was a puzzle. And one piece was always fucking missing.

Madie continued to stare silently, and I sighed. I was itching to go, terrified that my dad could be anywhere, watching and waiting. I needed to get away from her.

But hell, I was dying to stay. 

"What's your plan, Bren? For facing him?" Madie asked flatly, her breath fogging the glass as she spoke into the windowpane.

I cleared my throat. "I'm still working on it. It's...complicated."

There was a slight pull on the corner of her mouth, a frown. "I'm scared for you."

"I'll be okay, baby."

I was determined to be okay. For her.

She turned back toward me. "When will you come back to school?"

I stood from where I'd been kneeling, mumbling, "I don't know."

"So the whole working at The Grounds...that was a lie, then?"

Shoving my hands into my pockets, I confessed, "Yeah. Nessa. Nessa starts work tomorrow. She'll be here tonight."

Madie's mouth popped open, her brows furrowing. "So you...you talked to Nessa about this? About leaving me?"

"I didn't want you to be alone when I went back."

She took a heavy step toward me, and the crease between her eyes deepened. "But you didn't tell me?"

"Would you have come?" I asked softly.

Madie's indignant expression fell. She didn't answer the question. Instead, she asked, "Will you visit me?"

I shook my head, even though it physically hurt to do.

"No."

"Can I come visit you?" Madie choked out, her face screwing up.

"Absolutely not," I said through gritted teeth.

She sucked in a breath. "So you're... you're saying goodbye, just like that?"

"Madie," I groaned, desperately wanting to walk over there and take her in my arms. But she'd already pushed me away twice. "I'm only saying goodbye until I can come back to you."

At that, Madie stomped her foot. "No, Bren!" She took a step closer and then stopped, biting her lip as she stared at me. Her voice was quieter when she said, "I can't—I can't...without you."

She was trying so hard, so incredibly hard not to scream at me. And honestly, I didn't want that. I thought I'd told her to quit dampening her fire. "Madie, stop holding yourself back. Fucking yell at me if you want to yell at me."

I mean, I deserved it. It wasn't going to do anything, change anything, but I deserved to feel her heat.

Anger rippled over her face, peeking out of the mask that she'd apparently had on. It crept over her skin, turning it red. That blood must have been pumping faster as she took three quick steps toward me. "It's just—you promised not to leave me again," she ground out between clenched teeth. "You fucking promised, Bren."

"I know," I said, my throat catching. "I know. But I also promised to keep you safe. And right now, I can't keep both."

Madie shook her head, dismissing my words. "No. You can't just do this," she fought, saying the words in a low voice.

My lips flattened into a thin line. "I can. I can, and I will. I am doing this, Madie. You'll stay here. You'll stay the fuck away from me. And you'll stay safe."

Madie jerked back. Betrayal coated her features, and I nearly apologized for being so stern. But then she bit out, "What the hell, Bren? You sound like fucking Quinton right now with how you're ordering me around."

She could have stolen my goddamn gun and shot me, and I still don't think I'd be this fucking shocked. Hurt. "You've gotta be shitting me with that," I said after a moment of stunned disbelief.

"I—" Madie opened her mouth. Snapped it shut again. Her brows were still furrowed, her lips pressed together tightly. She was glaring at me. And yet, she was visibly fighting with herself.

"I know you're mad," I said, my words cutting and somehow perfectly even, "but don't. Don't compare me to him. I'm not Quinton."

Closing her eyes, Madie gave the briefest nod before repeating in a ghostly voice, "You're not Quinton."

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. But honestly, the damage of her words had been done. It wasn't easy to let shit like that go.

And yet, I did. For a minute. Because when Madie opened her eyes again, I saw the root of it all, of all of this. Fear.

Closing the distance between us, I reached out to her, brushing away tears from the red blotches on her face. "Madie, I know," I breathed, cradling her cheek. "I know that this, right now, fucking sucks. But for once in my life, I'm thinking about more than what's happening right now. I'm thinking about the future, and holy hell, I want it."

Madie blinked, peeking up at me beneath wet lashes. I momentarily admired how stunning she was before adding, "And it's only because I want it with you. Because—" I shook my head, smiling despite myself and this shitty situation. "I love you, Madeline Lenertz."

To my surprise, she smiled back at me. It wobbled, but it was there.

And it encouraged me to keep going. "I am—" A humorless laugh escaped my lips. "I am painfully aware that I'm not your first love, but you're mine. God, you're mine. And hell, it's scary. It's downright scary." Her eyes flitted downward, telling me that she was just as scared as I was, and I gently caught her chin between my fingers to lift her gaze back up.

A force was driving me now, and I couldn't stop. I was steady, suddenly feeling some conviction that I didn't know I even had. And it let me tell her everything that was inside my fucked up heart.

"Madie, I'm scared because I've never been consumed this way before." I grabbed her face between my palms before going on. "I've never been this attuned to another person. I've never known this feeling, this sensation where...where my entire body is on fire. But it's only ever when you're near me. And shit, it's good. It's so fucking good."

A smile broke free again—I just couldn't fucking help it. A sob racked up from Madie's chest, tears streaming over a sad smile that matched mine. "I've never felt this whole," I said, bringing our heads together so I could feel her pulse, her breath, her everything. "But shit, I'm terrified of what it would do to me if I ever lost you." I brushed my lips over hers lightly before I took a deep breath in. And a deep breath out. And everything was her. "Because without you, Madie, I'm not even me anymore."

I closed my eyes, leaning in. Madie's lips found mine. It was as soft of a caress as I'd given her, but I felt it as deeply as our first kiss. And even though I heard the door open behind me, I didn't turn. It was Nessa, her voice unusually soft as she said, "Sorry, I can come back."

Shaking my head, my hair tangled with Madie's. I couldn't bring myself to look away from her, but I muttered, "No, stay. I was just leaving."

Madie sucked in a breath. She was still crying, still angry, still processing. And hell, so was I. But every second we were here was dangerous for her.

I whispered that I loved her. That I'd call her. That I would see her again.

Madie said nothing. All she seemed to be able to do was close her eyes and breath in my words.

So I forced myself to let go. My legs were wooden and stiff as I backed away from her. Nessa was standing by the door, her face uncertain. There was a touch of sadness, a touch of worry.

"Hey, Nes," I muttered, reaching for her arm and giving it a squeeze. "Take care of her for me, will you?"

She nodded numbly. And just when I was about to slip through the door, she stopped me.

I met her dark eyes. "I'll see you later, Bren."

I could have laughed. In a way, it was a threat. In another way, it was Nessa saying she cared. I didn't laugh, though. I nodded back at her instead. "I'll see you later."

And then I left. I wasn't running away; this was different. But I was still leaving, and every footstep I took down the hallway hurt. It honestly felt like my heart was going to explode by how loudly it pounded. It seemed like I could hear every single rapid beat—until I realized.

It wasn't my heart. It was footsteps.

And they were running.

I turned in time for a whirlwind of strawberry blonde hair to cover my face, and I just barely got my arms out to catch Madie as she launched herself at me. Her legs wrapped around my waist, and her fingers tangled into my hair, tugging it to hold on. I rocked back onto my heels at the suddenness of it all, but somehow I managed to stay upright. And then she was kissing me.

Madie crushed her lips to mine, and god, I was so ready for this kiss. I was so fucking desperate for this kiss. It was open-mouthed, two people gasping for air that only the other seemed to be able to give. I could taste her tears, mixing between the brushing of our lips. Shit, I could taste everything else, too. And I wondered if maybe one day the two of us would get to love without fear.

"I'm still pissed at you," she breathed between wet kisses. "I'm so piss—"

I cut her off, diving my tongue into her mouth and shivering at the way she moaned in response. I knew she was pissed. But I just wanted to fucking kiss her.

"I know," I mumbled into her mouth. "I know, baby."

Turning us, I took Madie and pressed her into the wall so I could leverage my hips against hers and free my hands to run up her arms.

"Bren," she cried softly when I began to trail my lips down her neck. But it wasn't long before I returned to her mouth, capturing it again. And again. Until Madie gasped, "Bren, listen."

Reluctantly, I pulled back, peering down at sparkling, wet eyes.

"You are," she said between heaving breaths.

"What?"

Madie trailed her fingers down from where they'd been buried in my hair, letting them trace over the edges of my face.

"You," she whispered, "you are my first love, Bren Hadaway."

God, those words. I took those words. I took those words, and I tucked them so deep inside my heart.

And then I walked away.

My dad wanted freedom; the last thing he'd said to me assured me of that. And for the longest time, I'd accepted staying trapped in that promise he made. But now I wanted freedom, too.

I guess it was time to see who could get it first.

🤍
Well, then.

xoxo