Fifty-two.

Fifty-two mornings of feeling safe.

Fifty-two days of freeing myself.

Fifty-two nights of falling in love.

For fifty-two days, I didn't leave Bren Hadaway's side.

And now he was gone.

Shock. That was really the only way of describing it. I never realized how much Bren had become my security blanket until my lap was empty. I wasn't ready to say goodbye indefinitely. But then again, I wouldn't ever be ready.

I wanted fifty-three mornings. I wanted one hundred days. I wanted a million nights.

I wanted forever with my brown-eyed boy.

"Madie, you can't stay in bed forever."

Wrong.

This...this need to sleep away the heartbroken, wretched feeling of being alone—it was only forever I had at the moment.

"Says who," I mumbled into my pillow, keeping my eyes firmly shut.

It was awful. It was awful being awake without him. It was awful opening my eyes and not finding him beside me. It was awful not feeling his hands on my waist, not feeling his lips on my neck. It was awful, and I hated it.

I'd rather be asleep.

"Me."

I groaned. "Leave me alone, Wednesday."

She sighed heavily from across the room.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Bren said not to let you...wallow."

Scowling, I muttered, "Fuck what Bren said."

I was still pissed at him. I craved him like hell and would jump at the chance of seeing him again. But I was still pissed.

He'd kept so much from me about his dad. Bren still refused to allow me to help carry his burdens, even when he always insisted on shouldering mine. He should have talked to me. He should have told me what was going on. He should have given me a choice.

I didn't belong here if he wasn't with me.

"Madie... he'll be back before you know it."

"No, Nessa." Flopping over on my bed, I finally looked at her. She was poised on the edge of her mattress, her hair in those Wednesday Addams braids, her lips drawn tight. "That's the problem. I have no idea when he'll be back. I have no idea if he's coming back at all."

Oh god, that hurt. Thinking about that hurt so freaking much.

Nessa shook her head. "He would never leave you, Madie."

I looked at her like she was crazy. "He did leave me. He said he wouldn't ever leave me, and then that's exactly what he did."

Pursing her lips for a moment, Nessa toyed with the end of her braid. Then she said, "Madie, listen. His dad's practically blackmailing him, and the guy is a literal murderer. I mean, come on. Bren doesn't want you involved. It's shitty and frustrating, but he's trying to do what he thinks is right."

I opened my mouth to speak, but she cut me off.

"And I know you're hurt because you're thinking about the time he walked away, and now he did it again. And I get it. But do you know what all of my memories of Bren are?"

"No." The word came out hushed.

Her head tilted to the side as she gave me an empathetic, soft glance. "They're all of him running to you, Madie."

I screwed up my face.

Pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, Nessa smiled. "I think of that day when Quinton was an absolute douche about those scones, and the minute you went to the bathroom, Bren was running back there to check on you."

I lowered my gaze, embarrassed by that moment when Bren had tried so hard. And I had been so blind.

Nessa continued. "I think about the night when he ran out into the rain after you at that frat party. I think about the day when he jumped over the counter at The Grounds after I told him you were going to break up with Quinton."

"He...he did that?"

She'd never told me. I always thought that Bren had shown up in that hallway by a miracle. I thought it was a coincidence that he'd arrived in time to take me to the hospital. I should have known that wasn't the case. Bren and I were never just a coincidence.

Nodding, Nessa said, "I've literally never seen a person move so fast in my life." She sighed. "I also think about the beach in Malibu. There was that day when a wave knocked you the fuck over." Nessa laughed, apparently thinking about it. "And he was in the water, picking you up within seconds."

God, I really didn't want to cry again. But I was absolutely going to because it gutted me how much I missed him. And it was killing me to be reminded of how much he cared. I knew he was doing all of this because he cared.

As if she could read my thoughts, Nessa glanced down and muttered, "I would do anything for someone to care that much about me." But I wasn't sure if she'd meant for me to hear that because then she brightened and raised her voice to say, "Madie, I know this sucks. But if Bren could be here, he'd be—"

"I'm back, bitches!"

The words burst through the doorway at the same moment he did, hands waving in the air. But then he took in the scene—my silent tears and Nessa's concerned face—and his smile faltered awkwardly.

"Oh, shit," Beau muttered. "Bad timing." He looked at me one more time before rounding on Nessa. "What'd you say to make her cry, Nes?"

Nessa rolled her eyes.

But Beau wasn't done. "You're just sitting over there, letting her cry into her pillow all alone?" He gestured dramatically to me. And then, not waiting for a reply, Beau swooped over, sitting on the edge of my bed and pulling me into a suffocating bear hug.

"Bren?" he asked quietly.

I nodded into his chest, sniffling, trying not to think about how Bren had obviously called and told Beau everything too. And he'd probably done it before telling me, just like with Nessa. I pushed that thought away, though, and let Beau hug me. He was overbearing and ridiculous, but this felt kind of perfect, and I relaxed in his arms.

"Let's do something fun today, huh?" he said, giving me a reassuring smile. "It's just the three of us until class starts, and it's gonna be great. You're not even going to think about that moody asshole."

"Beau!" Nessa exclaimed before rolling her eyes again. "Oh my god, I just spent the last ten minutes trying to convince her that Bren isn't an asshole."

I couldn't help but laugh at how her defense of Bren was so quickly pushed aside by his roommate.

Ex-roommate.

"Uhhh—right. My bad. I was just trying to, ya know, survey the vibes." He made a sweeping motion with his hand before grimacing. "Guess I was...off." Beau sighed, giving me one more squeeze and peering down. "Nessa's right. Bren's not an ass." And then, almost as an afterthought, he muttered. "Dude is moody, though."

I laughed. Once again, I couldn't help it.

The three of us did spend the next days together—watching movies, playing cards, taste-testing Beau's new stock of booze. Nessa had her shifts at The Grounds, and Beau and I would hang out there while she worked. I read a few books I'd wanted to check out. He...well, I didn't really know what Beau was doing on that MacBook of his, but he'd sit with me.

It was hard walking into the coffee shop for the first time in months. How annoying was it that memories were attached to so many things? The songs that Nessa always played on repeat on her shifts. The table I would sit at and drink lattes. The register Bren used to stand behind. The scones sitting in the display case.

I hadn't eaten another scone since that day with Quinton. Probably never would.

I didn't talk to Bren much. Honestly, it hurt. It hurt to text and call him like things weren't fucked up. At first, it hurt so badly that I ignored him completely. Because every call or text was a reminder that he was gone, and I didn't know when he'd be back.

I was grateful for his texts, though, even if I didn't always reply. They told me he was safe, and my worried brain could settle. It wasn't until one night around eleven that I realized I was acting selfishly by not giving him the same courtesy. Because he sent me a text that said:

I just need to know you're okay before I go to bed at night. And I just need to know you're okay when I wake up in the morning. Please. I know you're upset with me, but that's all I'm asking for. Two texts, Madie.

And so I replied:

I'm not okay, but I'm safe.

And then I took a deep breath and added:

Goodnight, Bren. I love you.

The last thing running through my mind that night was Bren's quick reply.

I love you, Madeline. I hate that I'm not there to make things okay. But thank you.

I was better about texting him after that. And when I finally called him the night before classes started, I could hear the relief in his voice. It made me cry all over again, but it also made me want to call him every night. So I did.

The new semester brought new feelings. There was a small bit of hope reserved for days like this. Hope for a fresh start, hope for normalcy. Maybe some semblance of a routine would fill the hole that Bren had left. I was happy to have something else dictate my life—what I was doing, where I was going. Routine was good like that.

But then Nessa and I stepped into our first class of the semester, and my heart stopped.

The room was tiered, rows and rows of seats filling the hall. Beyond that, it was mostly empty except for a projected screen and a small podium at the front. Behind that podium was a guy with dark brown hair and a black button-up shirt, and for a painful minute, I could have sworn it was Bren.

But then he looked up, and I saw the differences. He had glasses. His hair was combed neatly to one side. He was a little taller, a little leaner. He wasn't Bren.

But he was my professor.

"Welcome to Western Civ," he said, clapping his hands together. "I'm Professor Evans."

And then the man laughed, shaking his head a bit as he shoved his hands nervously into his pockets. He strode toward the front row of the lecture hall and added, "But honestly, just call me Hale. The whole professor thing still feels weird."

"Helloooo, Hale," Nessa muttered under her breath, a coy smile appearing on her face as she twirled a pen between her fingers.

"Be good, Wednesday," I whispered without taking my eyes off Professor Evans. Hale.

Nessa laughed, light and breathy.

And then I heard her quiet voice say, "You can sit here."

I turned in time to see Nessa waving over a girl with a short, brown bob who'd walked into class late. The girl had a classically pretty face without a touch of make-up, and I internally groaned with jealousy. But she smiled gratefully before dropping into the seat next to us. I waited for her to get her laptop—or at least a notebook—out, but she just sat there. She tilted her head to the side, placing it in her hand as she hung on every word Professor Evans was saying.

And then I realized that was pretty much what Nessa was doing, too.

I shook my head and tried to give my attention to history, jotting down notes. It was almost the end of class when Nessa seemed to snap out of whatever trance she was in. "Oh my god," she moaned. "I'm going to fail this class."

"It seems pretty reasonable," I said, shrugging, "only two big papers and—"

"I didn't listen to a word that man said," Nessa cut me off, continuing to groan. "The hot nerd thing is just really doing it for me. You know that's my type, Madie."

I rolled my eyes. "Jesus, Nessa. He's our teacher."

"What? He's not even that old. Shit, I bet he isn't even thirty."

The girl who'd sat down next to us started visibly shaking, and it took me a minute to realize she was trying to withhold her laughter.

Nessa laughed and jabbed a thumb in her direction. "This girl knows what I'm talking about. She didn't take a single note either." With a smile, she introduced herself. "Hey, I'm Nessa, by the way."

The other girl had to take a deep breath to swallow her giggling before she was able to return Nessa's grin and say, "Lana. And I didn't take notes because I'm not actually in this class."

"What?" Nessa and I both said it at the same time.

"I'm just—"

"Are you here for him?" Nessa jerked her head toward Professor Evans. "Because I don't blame you. I kinda want to sit through the rest of his classes today, not gonna lie."

Lana's smile grew. "Yeah, actually. That's why I'm here."

In the background, I faintly heard everyone else packing up. Lana stood and slung her bag over her shoulder. "It was nice meeting you. Maybe I'll see you around."

And then she turned, bounced down the steps of the auditorium, and walked straight up to our professor. His face instantly brightened at seeing her. He didn't even hesitate before wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her into him.

I peaked over at Nessa, who was staring at the scene with an open mouth.

I tapped the bottom of her chin, and she snapped her lips closed before parting them again to say, "Life is just not fair. Why are all the tall, dark, and handsome ones always taken?"

"I'm not taken."

Nessa peeked over her shoulder and scowled. "Shut up, Greyson. You don't count."

I glanced back and froze at seeing a row of Oakland State football players sitting directly behind us. I didn't recognize the one staring at Nessa with open interest, but I recognized the others.

And they recognized me.

"Hey, Madie," one of them called from the end of the row. Was his name Chad? His name was probably Chad. "How's it feel to ruin someone's life just because you didn't want to date him anymore?" He leaned back in his chair before manspreading like an idiot. "I swear chicks can get away with anything these days. They just have to cry rape—what the fuck?"

Nessa had thrown her notebook at him. "You have no idea what you're talking about, asshole."

"Come on, Nessa. Let's go," I urged her. I didn't want to have this conversation. I didn't want to see those guys wearing blue and gold sweatshirts. Sweatshirts I used to wear. Sweatshirts he used to wear.

It was hot. There was an uncomfortable burning—a thick, sour taste in my throat.

Nessa was still going off angrily at the football players, but I tugged on her elbow, and after one look at me, she was ushering us out the door.

Which was good because as soon as my feet hit the pavement outside McLaren Hall, I was throwing up in the bushes.

Ten.

Ten mornings of feeling alone.

Ten days of free falling.

Ten nights falling asleep to his words and not his touch.

I'd been without Bren Hadaway for ten days.

And I desperately wanted him back.

🤍

If you know, you know!

We're to the part of the story where we are bringing in some new characters and bringing back some old ones (in more ways than one)!

Thanks for reading, as always!
xoxo