I woke up, my mind swirling and buzzing around, making me want to throw up. I don’t know why my head is like this, and I am not sure if I want to either. I open my eyes and stares up into the ceiling. The ceiling is white, and it’s comforting. It’s like my own room, just brighter. What? Why is it brighter? I turn my head a bit, only to see more white. It’s white everywhere. The walls, furniture and white coats.

That’s when I realize where I am. I am in a hospital, but I do not know why I am here.  I am totally fine. A doctor is coming over to me, standing beside my bed. He has a worried expression on his face, and I don’t like it. Whatever I’m here for, it can’t be so serious, since I’m feeling fine.

“Daniella, how do you feel?” His voice is laced with concern, and I still don’t get it.

“I’m fi…” I tried to sit up while telling him that I was fine, but my breath got knocked out of my as a searing pain went through my body and I fell back on my white pillow. I let out a groan, still noting the pain. It was like my skin was set afire. It was burning everywhere, making me squirm and whimper in pain.

“No Daniella, you are not fine from what I can see. Now, do you know why you are here?” I want to shout ‘No!’ at him, and tell him to quit looking on me like I just died, but I know it won’t help me. Instead I shake my head silently.

It looks like the doctor would like to say something to me, but it all drowns in a giant scream, and I crunch myself together, holding my hands over my ears. The noise is screeching, and it feels like a nail that’s been hammered into my brain. I looked up, and into my room it had stepped three girls, one more beautiful than the other. I could easily recognise them as my friends. Pictures started to flash through my mind, fast, but sharp. I remembered.

“Daniella, it’s so good to see that you are fine.” The prettiest girl beams at me like she cares for me. Hell no, she don’t. She never did, and she never will. None of them cares. I am nobody to them. They left me when I needed them the most, and now I’m here.

“Silvy, get out of here, now! And take your understudy’s with you!” My voice was strained, but they got the message, and marched out angrily.

----------------

It was a sunny day, and it was way too hot. We were all wearing shorts and tank tops with ballerinas. Not that we would ever dress differently. It was the dress code in our clique. If you dared to dress different, you would be kicked out immediately. Silvy was standing beside me, a smoke in her hand, blowing clouds into the air. It was small feminine puffs. I only wish she would quit smoking. I hated that idea of someone violating their own body with crap like that.

Well, mostly I kind of hated the whole girl. Yes, I wanted to fit in, be popular. Who doesn’t? And when the opportunity had presented itself in this girl I now loathed, I had grabbed it with both of my tiny hands. I had gone from the invisible girl to a popular one in a matter of weeks. She had made me popular. She had directed me around, making me do stuff I normally wouldn’t. She made me loose myself, and I still can’t see who I am. The only thing I know, is that I am not comfortable with who I am now.

I looked over at her again. She had her minions beside her, and she kept letting out small puffs of smoke straight into their faces. I wanted to tell her to quit, I could see that it was bothering Mily and Lily. But as always, I didn’t have to courage. I kept quiet like I always do.

We were behind a store, hiding, since none of us were old enough to smoke, and we didn’t want to get in trouble. Or, Silvy didn’t want to get in trouble. She was the only one that smoked of us.

“Shit, the cops are coming” I could her Lily’s screechy voice scream up.

What happened after that is a bit of a blur. What I noticed was Silvy’s shocked face, before she tossed her cigarette behind her, not caring where it landed. I could see them turning on their heels, running away. 

I stay in my place. I know I have done nothing wrong. I can just stay here and go home when I want to. I don’t have to rush. It was a warm and nice day, and I was planning on using it for relaxing, not running.

That was until I heard some flickering sound behind me. I turned around to see what it possibly could be. That’s when I noticed. I noticed what Silvy hadn’t cared about at all. There was a dumpster in front of me, and it was filled to the rand with paper. Though, now it wasn’t paper anymore. It was flames. High flames. Flames that where flickering and licking up against the wall behind the dumpster, leaving black marks. Warmth was radiating from it, making me warm.

I don’t know why I didn’t flee in that moment. I don’t know why I didn’t move at all. I just stood there, paralyzed, watching as the flames spread from the dumpster to the wall and from the wall to the rest of the area. I was pinned to my spot, unable to move. It was both fascinating and scary to watch things burn around you. The sounds. Flickering and crackling. It sounded cosy somehow. And I wanted to stay in it. I just wanted that comfort that the warmth and crackling made me feel. I wanted it so badly. So I stayed.

I watched with awe and fascination as things burns around me. I see as the tales of flames reach up towards the sky, destroying everything in its way. I saw as the building surrounding me was in full fire. I saw the windows crack, shattered glass flowing everywhere. I could feel small shards hit me, bore into my skin. I could feel every shard that grazed my skin. I saw the flames getting closer to me, and I could feel the warmth getting uncomfortable.  

I could feel flames flickering around me, closing up to me. From time to time, I could feel its hot tongues reach out and flick over my skin. Each time, I sucked in my breath sharply, but I still didn’t move. I was consumed by peace by standing here. Even though I could barely breath anymore, and the pain of the flames licking around me, I felt at peace. I could faintly hear the sound of fire trucks as I closed my eyes and let go.

--------------

I don’t know how I survived that fire. I was told that the firemen had found me just in time, and I was brought straight to the hospital. They said that I was in a coma for two weeks. That’s all I know. They don’t want me to know more than that. It’s okay with me. I don’t really want to know how I survived anyway.

I have never seen Silvy after that day in the hospital. I don’t think she could stand that I stood up to her. I think she’s scared of me. Scared if I will ever tell that she abandoned me without a second thought.

I got what I wanted, and I found myself again.