As I watch Zhan leave, I wonder why his heart was beating like the heavenly drums.

Even his heartbeat is beautiful. How is that possible!? 

Soon, Zhan returns with a small cup and bandages. He wipes the blood off the small but deep wound on my ankle and applies medicine on it.

After dressing the wound, he sighs, "Do you... are you... " He shakes his head, "Did you really think I was going to hit you?"

I feel my cheeks heat up, "No, of course not. Why would you- You are kind. I know you would never- " I sputter. "I just got startled and slipped." I leave it at that, not wanting to embarrass myself further.

"Oh. Is that so." He clears his throat, "Be careful next time." He advises dryly and stands.

No, I can't let him leave like this!

"Zhan ge, can you stay, please?" I request wanting to talk and clear the air. After all, Weredra had warned me not to return without explaining things to Zhan.

"Of course, " He nods and clears his throat again, "I was inconsiderate just now." He adds, helping me to the bath again, "You must still be feeling under the weather. I will help you bathe."

What!? Hell No! What if- I get excited!? 

"Zhan ge... "

"Don't worry. I will be gentle."

 Damn it, Zhan, stop saying things like this. If you continue saying things like these, I will lose the last ounce of decency I am clinging to right now. After three whole weeks of mostly pure, innocent thoughts, my body betrays me again.

Damn it! 

No, there was no way this was a good idea!

"Zhan ge, it's alright, I can do it myself. You must be tired."

Zhan's face falls before a determined look replaces it; he meets my eyes, "YiJun, do you remember what happened last night?"

I had not expected Zhan to get straight to that, so I was not at all prepared to answer him. I look up at him and find him looking at me with something akin to apprehension on his face. If I am honest with myself, I have some too. For one, though I was a woman not too long ago, I was a man now. And I was not sure if I would continue to be a man in the days to come or revert to being a woman. Second, I was leading a double life. During the day, I was YiJun: someone Zhan spent his days with; a friend and confidant. During the night, I was a masked vigilante. Zhan was unaware of it. 

Lastly, over the past weeks, I had seen Zhan work alongside me. And I had become acquainted with another side of him: he was compassionate, helpful, and gentle with everyone around him. In short, he was perfection. If anything, I had fallen even more deeply in love with him than I thought possible. 

Cursing myself once more for being so reckless, I take his hand in mine. His brows knit when I pat his hand, "Zhan ge, I don't know what I did last night. But Weredra told me that I was- shameless. She told me that I offended you." I squeeze his hand, "I am truly sorry. Whatever I did, it was- I was not myself."

What he does next surprises me. "I accept your apology." He says emotionlessly, and without looking at me, he stands up again.

Fearing that I had hurt him with my words, I grab hold of his wrist, "Won't you help me bathe?"

Fuck! That is not want I wanted to say! 

"Oh." Zhan ge stops dead in his tracks and turns, "I am sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me." He tries to smile. It looks forced.

"You are wet." I observe, but he shakes his head, "It doesn't matter." He picks up a bar of soap and hands it over, "I will do your back. Let me know when you want me." He averts his gaze and moves away. He brings over an empty cart and helps me sit. "Don't let your ankle get wet." He advises and starts removing his wet, soiled clothes.

Dumbstruck, I keep staring at Zhan's back as he start bathing. His back glistens as rivulets of water slide down it. He starts lathering himself up, and the last rays of sun scatter, creating tiny rainbows on his broad shoulders. Suddenly, Zhan stops. He turns and looks at me questioningly. It is then that I remember what I was supposed to be doing.

"I am done." I lie, making him quirk his brow. He walks towards me all clean, his body looking warm and inviting. He looks at the wet bandaged and sighs; I look at him apologetically, "Sorry, I tried my best but... I will ask Weredra to dress it again."

Zhan nods. In silence, he scrubs my back while I think of my uncle, aunt, and the pedophile I had encountered recently. His hands travel over my shoulder blades and lower, scrubbing and caressing. I thank Buddha for all the unfortunate things in my life that were anchoring me to sanity at this very moment.

After what feels like an eternity, he pats my back and announces. "All done." and leaves me to get dressed. We don our night robes and start walking towards our room with Zhan helping me. But just as we are about to reach, I stop him. I was sick of him being so silent and formal. I wanted my Zhan back. "Zhan ge, are you tired?" I ask; he shakes his head, "No. Why?"

"I need to talk to you about somethings."

Zhan nods, and we move towards the courtyard. Just before we arrive, however, we see Bai Luo leave Lung Chi's room red-lipped.

As if reading my mind, Zhan follows the young man supporting me with one hand and calls to him.

"Ah! Zhan ge, YiJun ge!" The servant boy smiles and bows. "Did you need something?"

"Did master hit you?" Zhan ge asks, his tone worried, his eyes concerned. 

 Luo's eyes widen for a second. Hastily, he whips his lips and shakes his head, "It's not what you are thinking. Master is merciful and kind. I just slipped."

My temper flares at the lie, "We saw you coming out of his room. Why do you put up with him!?"

"Shuuuu!" He whispers and gestures us to follow him. He leads us to a tiny room next to the kitchen. It was our first time in this part of the mansion. 

 After closing the door, he looks at me and asks, "What happened to you?"

"An accident in the bath," I reply, making it sound like I did not want to talk about it.

Taking the hint, the young man continues, "You should be careful while walking these halls. Master- he... "

"He is disgusting! I have seen how he looks at you! That pig!"

A ghost of a smile flickers past his face. He shakes his head, "I told you before, you are lucky." He looks between us, "Both of you are. Your curse protects you; I don't have such luxury. I have no family. He has made sure that I won't have any friends either. Every servant and staff here knows what I am." Tears well up in his eyes, and the ever-present smile drops from his face, "There is no part of me he hasn't violated!" He bites out, tears stream down his cheeks. "But I endure. I have no choice but to hope for a better future."

"Can't you buy your freedom?" Zhan asks; Bai Luo shakes his head and lifts his sleeves to reveal a cross mark with Lung engraved on his forearm. "I was sold to him. If he abandons me or I try to leave, I will be caught and whipped to death. Those are the laws of the land."

"Since when!?"

"Since the current king took over about fifteen years ago. At least, that is what I know."

My heart laments at the suffering my parents' passing had brought upon my kingdom.

"Why did he hurt you?" Zhan asks, his eyes glued to the now swollen lips.

"He was in a bad mood. He went to the palace today. It seems like a high official's son was assaulted and robbed by a masked bandit."

As he goes on about how the king was distraught over the said theft, I can't help but wonder if the drug I had stolen was more valuable than I had realized.

"The king has issued an order to check all the houses in the inner city for it." Bai Luo informs and adds, "It's a secret. Don't mention it outside."

We nod.

"How is he planning to do that? Will the nobles agree?" I enquire; Bai Luo shrugs, "Master said that none of the nobles or other higher officials objected."

"Why is Lung Chi angry then? After all, even nobles on positions higher than him have agreed."

"He thinks that everyone is trying to suck up to the king. Moreover, now he will have to quickly get rid of all the things he has hidden for the queen."

What does my aunt have to do with Lung Chi!?

I am about to voice my thoughts when Bai Luo adds, "He visits the queen once a month to deliver it to her personally. But he hasn't done that this month."

"Why?" Zhan asks.

"I don't know."

Something comes to my mind. "Isn't the king aware of this arrangement between our master and the queen?" I enquire. Won't it be impossible to hide the trade without my uncle knowing about it? Also, what was this 'thing' that Bai Luo had referred to just now?

Bai Luo's brows knit, "Why are you so interested?"

Damn it! 

I shrug, "Can you blame me? After all, we spend the whole day at the tunnel in silence and come back here. Life is boring." I lie, sounding like a jerk.

Thankfully, Zhan remains quiet.

"I guess you are right. But I can't tell you that. I am sorry."

"That's fine. We understand." Zhan reassures, "Thank you for worrying about us." He gives the young man's shoulder a gentle squeeze, "Never stop hoping. I believe that help is on the way." He says encouragingly before helping me up.

"Will you be able to go to work tomorrow?" Bai Luo asks, looking at my ankle, and I shrug, "I don't know."

 Bai Luo nods and shows us outside.

 We arrive at the courtyard and take a seat under a lush Haitang tree. 

I expect Zhan to bring up what Bai Luo had said, and I wonder if he had figured out that I was the masked thief the king was looking for, but he doesn't mention any of it. Instead, he immediately gets to the point. "You wanted to talk; I am all ears," Zhan says, smiling, but it doesn't reach his eyes. It looks polite and formal. I hate it.

"Zhan ge, I want you to know that you are important to me," I start hesitantly; he blinks and tilts his head slightly to the left. I clear my throat, "Both of you are important to me. I haven't had a family in a long time- You both are my home." I blurt out without looking at him.

"YiJun, " He calls, but I shake my head and continue, "There are things I want to tell you. I do, but I am bound by a promise not to disclose it. I know that I am demanding a lot by asking you to trust me. And I know that you will probably refuse-" As the words fall from my lips, my heart feels heavier and heavier. The thought of one day parting ways with this man who had come to mean the world to me pains me like the time when I was informed about my parents passing.

"YiJun," Zhan calls me again, softer this time, but I don't let him interrupt me, for I know that if I don't get it out now, I won't be able to do it ever again. "Zhan ge, please, hear me out," I beg, clutching my chest, and he goes silent.

"I have been leading a double life. At night I go out and help people who need my help. This kingdom and its people are in a miserable state because of the king and queen. All those who stand with them are guilty too. I want to put an end to their suffering. I have to do it. It's my only chance. " I pause and catch my breath. It feels like I have been running for ages. 'I love you, Zhan ge. You distancing yourself like this is hurting me.' 

"Zhan ge, I can't abandon these people, this kingdom. Will you trust me just this once and not ask me anything about it?"

I feel his hands go still and hear him gasp.

"Zhan ge, can you please treat me like you did before?" I request, and gathering my courage, look up.

Zhan's eyes are as wide as saucers. There is surprise in them, but I can trace a hint of joy too.

Did my words perhaps win him over? 

"Zhan ge, say something, please," I ask, pulling his hands closer.

Zhan smiles, "What did you just say?"

"Mn?"

"YiJun, what did you say to me right now?" He elaborates, looking at me encouragingly.

"Can you please treat me... "

"No, before that." He shakes his head.

 I try to recall my words and oblige, "Will you trust me... " I start, but he shakes his head impatiently, "Before that."

{Word count: 2287}