I'VE FUCKED UP, I know I have.

Despite my best intentions, despite my best efforts, things have blown up right before my eyes once again.

I'm on the brink of panic, but with each effort my worst enemy makes to rise to the surface, I've been able to shoot it back down. This could still be fixed, this situation could still be salvageable. I just need to find Sam and Jake in one piece.

I don't even notice how hard I've been gripping the steering wheel until I look down at my now red knuckles. I slam my fist against the wheel, honking my horn in a long and drawn out roar to get the stupid person in front of me to stop driving like an idiot.

"I got into her Icloud," Summer says, eyes focused on my laptop that's seated steadily on her lap.

"Let me know if you find anything." I keep my focus on the road, finally growing tired enough of the driver in front to swerve to the right lane to overtake them.

"It says her phone's current location is at her apartment," she says.

I nod, already pulling into the parking lot of her place. It makes sense to check here first.

Summer closes my laptop as soon as I park and we both jump out of my truck and hurry towards the front entrance. She grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze, helping my tempers from flaring even more.

It was an impulsive move, begging her to come with me. Like many hard times I've had this semester, I just naturally wanted her by my side.

I don't think I wanted to shut her out before because she didn't understand our situation, I think a part of me was responding purely in panic. It's one thing to hear about our struggles with sobriety in the past tense, but to hear the stories and see an addict in play, it's a hard sight and it can be very draining. I was afraid letting her in so much would burden her with more trauma. I love this about her, but Summer has a tendency to be a little too empathetic, a little too willing to put others before her well-being. I didn't even know those were my reasons before, it's just now dawned on me.

Tonight though, selfishly, I need her support. I feel guilty seeing how invested she is, seeing how worried she is for Sam and my wellbeing. Just for tonight, I tell myself. Things will be better after we get to her.

John is pacing by the entrance when we walk up in a full navy suit. His hand is covering his mouth and he pauses when he gets a look at me, venom filling his gaze.

"Where the hell is my son, huh? Are you two colluding to play some type of game with me, do you think this is a fucking game?" He hits my chest with his finger repeatedly.

His distress surprises me and I take a second to remain quiet and take it in.

"Hey, calm down. Let's not say or do anything we'll regret." Summer steps up with her small self like she's ready to lay John out if he lays another finger on me. God, she's adorable.

"I'm not playing any games. Like I told you early, I haven't been able to get in contact with her either," I say, hoping he'll understand I'm being genuine and just as disgruntled as he is by this situation.

I have faith in Sam. I have no idea what's going through her head to do what she's done, but I have faith she's clean with Jake. She wouldn't be so reckless, if there's one thing that's always kept her straight it's been her son.

"When's the last time you spoke?" John asks with accusation.

"Last night when she got home from work. We Facetimed. She looked tired but spent the entire time talking about how excited she was for her visit with Jake today. Wasn't he staying with you and your family? Tell me again, how the hell was she able to slip away with him during a supervised visit?" I ponder, putting the pressure on him since he seems to blame me for everything.

"I was at work." John begins to seethe. "My mother watches him when I'm at work. She slipped away from the living room for ten minutes to make some lunch for everyone and when she came back, Sam and Jake were gone. The judge needs to hurry up and end this for good, I should've known better than to leave my kid with that crackhead."

"Hey." I lift my arms and push him back without thinking. It's enough force to cause him to stumble but he's ultimately able to catch his balance and keep from falling. "Watch how you speak about the mother of the son you claim to care so much about. If you were so worried about her being a crackhead, why did you sleep with her unprotected? Why did you then run away when she got pregnant?"

"I was young and stupid." Is all he says.

"How about we actually check the apartment to see if they're there before we start swinging?" Summer steps in again.

"I can't get in," John says, looking at me. "Can you?"

I look through the glass doors of the front entrance and recognize the lady that works the front desk sometimes. I knock and she looks up, smiling at me and coming towards the door.

She runs her hand through her blonde hair and walks with the pep of one of our cheerleaders during halftime. She even looks young enough to be one.

"Hey, what's up?" she says, biting her thin lips.

She always has this weird look on her face when I come here during her shift. Like she's constipated or something. Of course I know what she's really attempting to do and I usually ignore it, but today, I'll use it to my advantage.

"Vanessa, yeah? They have you working the night shift again? That's crazy" I fake muse.

She lights up when I say her name. "I know it sucks but at least it's peaceful, you know, not so much traffic."

"For sure." I desperately want to cut the small talk short and I'm almost scared to look over and see Summer's expression at this exchange. "Look I need a little favor from you. You know the friend I come to see sometimes in apartment 402? Well, I was wondering if you could let us up so we can check on her. Her phone is dead and she seemed like she was falling ill the last time I saw her. Just want to make sure a friend is ok."

"Oh you are such a sweetheart." She holds her hand to her chest. "I just knew the moment I saw you. Unfortunately, it's against policy to let a group of non residents up, sorry." She backs away to close the door.

"Wait." I reach over to stop it from closing, giving her my best charming smile. "Please, we just need to see if she's home and okay. What if I went in alone? It'll only take five minutes and you can even time me. I swear I'll be in and out and no one will even notice."

She thinks it through, a smirk taking over her face at last. "Well, alright, but only you since you're such a sweet peach. The other two have to wait out here though." She absently looks over at Summer and John who are both rolling their eyes for what I assume are completely different reasons.

I look at them to make sure it's okay. John shoos me along and Summer gives me a thumbs up.

After taking the stairs for more speed, I use the spare key Sam gave me to open her door. The lights are off, which is the first bad sign.

When I find the switch, the small space lights up, revealing the typical mess her apartment is in when she's rushing and doesn't have enough time to clean up properly. Her shoes are scattered around the door, a jacket hangs on the edge of her sofa, and a dirty dish and cup are seated on the living room table.

"Sam." I call out, checking every crevice of the area and the small closest by the side. I get no response so I move to the kitchen area and call her name out again. "Sam, are you here?"

A pot full of water sits on the stove. I check to make sure it isn't on, then move to her bedroom.

Her room is clean. Bed perfectly made, clothes perfectly folded and in her drawers and closet, and Sam and Jake nowhere in sight.

"Shit." I ball my hand into a fist and take two long breaths. I knock on the bathroom door and turn the nob even though I know it's useless. Of course, they aren't there and I know my five minutes are up as well.

Time to check the other places.

Summer and John both shoot back up from their slumping when I come out of the door. They waste no time approaching me, ready for an update.

"They're not there," I look away.

"You've got to be shitting me." John hisses. "I don't have time for this, that girl is so lucky-"

"She's so lucky, what?" I dare him to say something disrespectful again. "You started all of this. She was doing just fine before you decided to pop up out of nowhere trying to get custody four years after your kid was born."

"That's a bullshit lie she's been spewing for a while," he says. "Yes, I acted like a pussy and took the plane ticket my father bought me to study abroad when she went into labor, but since I came back a year after, I've been trying to be in his life. She wouldn't let me in and if she did it was very minimal time here and there. Now I accepted what little time I got and I was even proud of how far she's come with all she went through during our relationship. Then I started to see her typical patterns, I smelled the alcohol on her breath and I knew she wasn't clean anymore so I had to take Jake out of this situation, I know I'm the bad guy but trust me, I could've been much more vindictive."

Hearing him talk about how easily he noticed she went off the wagon hits me in the chest. Everyone saw the signs but me. I choose to be blind and continue in my state of lala land and for what?

"We can waste time arguing further or we can decide on what our next moves are. I'm sure we all know the quicker we find them, the better," Summer says.

I shrug, a deep depressive pain bubbling up inside of me as I point to John. "What's it gonna be, soldier? You gonna involve the authorities now or what?"

John clenches his jaw. "Despite what you might think, I don't want it to come to that. I know it'll traumatize Jake, so let's split up and keep looking a little longer," he says. "But only a little longer. If we don't find them by the end of this night, I'm calling the cops at dawn."

He continues to surprise me even more. I'm almost starting to believe he really cares.

"That seems fair." I agree.

"We should brainstorm all the places she might be and split up to save time. Any friends, coworkers, shelters she might go to. All options should be explored," Summer says.

We spend the next few minutes gathering information and laying out all the areas to visit. Sam has a coworker named Jean she sometimes hangs out with outside of work. Kelly, the lady who works at the daycare Jake goes to, occasionally babysits him outside of work and there are three shelters within the vicinity of this area. She could be with any of these people or in any of these places.

There's one more place I'm betting on even more, but I'll keep that to myself until we split with John. Things will be much easier if Summer and I find her without him. She'd be more willing to come back home and behave rationally. Who knows how she'll act if she sees him.

I agree to get info from Jean and Kelly and John agrees to check the local shelters, the train station, and even the airport.

Before he hops in his car, I call out to him one more time. "What are you gonna do when we find her?"

He thinks for a while then says. "I've been patient and I've been lenient, but if she's put my child in harm, I'll destroy her."