When I wake up, I immediately wince. Post battle stiffness is setting in hard this morning.
I'm still sitting in a chair next to Derrin, who is dead to the world. I stand up slowly and stretch. My stomach growls and I walk out of the tent.

This girl needs some food.

Sharp wind pulls at my clothes. Snow is blowing around like a madmen. People are huddled around fires in clumps.
It's seriously cold outside.

Why couldn't King Artol have waited until spring time to wage war on us? At this rate, we'll all freeze to death before we can get around to killing each other.

I take a seat around a fire and accept a hard piece of bread that somebody offers me.

"Ma'm" A young man runs up to me and salutes. I nod at him.

"How can I help you?" I ask.

"We lost a lot of men last night. We are in no shape to fend off a attack." He reports.

My heart sinks.

That is not the news I wanted to hear.
I swallow hard and face the soldier.

"Are we in shape to move?" I ask bitterly.

The man hesitates and shakes his head.

"Not today."

I nod again.

"Thank you." I dismiss him.

I look down at my bread. Suddenly I'm not that hungry.

I get up and walk back to the tent.
Derrin is awake and sitting up, looking much better then he did last night. His face, although pale, has regained colour. He is laughing at a joke somebody told as I walk in. When he sees my face, his laughter dies away.

"Any news?" He asks. I sigh and sit back down in the chair.

"It's not good."

I go on to explain our predicament. I try to put a rosy spin on everything, but judging by Derrin's strained features, he doesn't buy it.
We both know we're in serious trouble.

"So what do we do now?" I ask. He just shakes his head.

"We need to get out of here." Derrin sighs.

I turn around and walk a little ways away from Derrin. I can't hide the emotion on my face.
It's a hopeless cause.
We're all going to die.
I hate the fact that I can't do anything. I can't save anyone.
This time, everything is out of my control. I don't have any secret allies. I don't have any tricks up my sleeve.
Every single person looks up to me to save them.
They believe I'll come through and their lives will be saved.
I'm not their salvation.
They are going to die because I was wrong.

"Eadu?" Derrin calls my name cautiously. I turn back around.

"I'm sorry!" I shout. I sink to my knees and bury my face in my hands.

This is all my fault.

I feel a hand on my back.

"What are you sorry for?"

I look up.

"I can't get us out of this one. I don't have a master plan. People are going to die, and there is nothing I can do to save them." I say bitterly.

Derrin looks down at me.

"That isn't your fault. It's nobody's fault. It's just the way it is.
People live. People die. It's how it works. Everybody will die at one point. Maybe that's today, maybe that's in 80 years. You can't change it. These people are ok with that. I'm ok with that. If we die, then we die knowing we fought for something that is honourable and right. Even if we lose this battle, the war is never over. People will rise up and fight until we're free again."

Derrin says confidently. I look up at him. In that moment, butterfly's fly in my stomach and a warm feeling rises in my chest. I can't explain it, but I feel like laughing and crying all at the same time.

He smiles back down at me.

For a second, everything is perfect. It's just the two of us.

Then cold hard reality hits. The door blows open, and a icy wind blows through the tent. I jump up and close the door. I look back at Derrin, who is slowly rising to his feet.

He winces as he straightens up.

I feel guilty as I realize that he is still severely injured and shouldn't be out of bed. But at the same time, I feel touched as I realize he got up to comfort me.

I help him back down onto the couch.

"It's ok. We'll get out of this." Derrin tells me as I pull blankets over him.
My face feels like stone.
We can't get out of this mess. Unless I do what I think I have to do.
I've made several bad decisions in my time. I usually can pass them off as smart.
But this one is just plain stupid.

Derrin looks at my face.

"What's wrong?" He asks. I shrug, but don't respond.

"I'm going to go talk to Jaosh ok? I'll see you soon." I smile down at him.

Derrin still looks worried. He grabs my hand tightly.

"Don't do anything stupid." He says seriously.

I laugh.

"It's not stupid if it works." I laugh lightly. I wrench my arm out of his grip and leave the tent.

Derrin can read me like a book. I know that if I stay another second he will figure out what I'm going to do and stop me.
That can't happen.

I walk out of the tent. I look around. The sun is still covered by layers of dark grey clouds, but the snow has stopped and it's not as windy.
I walk around the camp, my eyes peeled. True to my word, I am looking for Jaosh. I need to talk to him.

I find him sitting with Kaone around a fire. This might have bothered me earlier, but today I could care less.
I sit on the log next to him. Jaosh looks at me, a sparkle in his eye.

"Hey!" He smiles cheerfully. I attempt to return his smile.

"Hi Jaosh. Hey Kaone, could you give us a second?" I ask directly. I'm not in the mood for idle chit-chat today. She quickly walks away.

I look up at Jaosh and raise my eyebrows.
I don't have to say anything.
He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair.

"I know that we are engaged and all-" He starts but I cut him off.

"I know." I say. He looks at me in shock.

"You do?" He asks suspiciously.

I laugh ruefully.

"I see the way you look at each other. It's ok. I'm not mad." I explain.

Jaosh smiles dreamily.

"She's incredible. She gets me-you know? I think I love her." He sighs happily.

Usually this is not the words you want to hear from your fiancé. But our case is special. I know what he and Kaone have is true, unlike our forced romance.
I don't have the heart to ruin that.

"That's why I wanted to talk to you." I say. Jaosh's dreamy expression slides off of his face.

"Right." He says guardedly.

I sigh.

"It's not fair to either of us if we continue with this. Neither one would be happy if we married each other. Kaone has status. If you married her, we still would be allied with Iovania. I can't keep you from true love. I won't." I say quickly.
Jaosh blinks.

"Can you do that?"

I laugh bitterly.

"I'm the Queen. I can do anything I want."

Jaosh gives me a tight hug.

"Thank you." He whispers. I smile. Seeing him so happy makes everything almost worth it.

I pull away from our embrace.

"But if you hurt her I swear-" I start to threaten but Jaosh laughs.

"It's ok. I won't. I swear." He grins. I nod.

"I know."

I stand up and brush off my legs.

"I'll see you later Jaosh." I wave and walk away.

I check off 'talking to Jaosh' on my mental checklist. Next up on the list is slightly tougher. Writing letters to my friends.

I don't know if I will survive this next ordeal. Actually I know I won't. I can't say goodbye to my friends in person, so I guess I have to do it like this.
It will give them something to hold onto in any case.
I write letters to Branwen and Briss. Kaone, Jaosh, and Mufar. It's difficult to write, telling my only family in the world that I'm going to die. But I get through it.
When it comes to Derrin though, my paper stays blank. I can't just say 'I'm sorry for dying' to him like I did to the others. Derrin and I have a bond that runs so much deeper then anybody else's. He was my first friend-the one I couldn't live without. How can I say goodbye to that?

Derrin-
I've never been great at expressing my emotions. You know that. But I guess I've got to try, because this might be my last chance.
This letter is a note of sorts. That's what people do right? I can't say goodbye. But I can't just leave without saying goodbye to you.
You know what I've done. You're too smart for you're own good. But by the time you read this, it will be too late. You told me earlier that people are ok with dying if it's for a good cause.
I want you to know something.
I didn't want to die, contrary to all beliefs. This is not a suicide attempt. If there was any other way I would have taken it. I'm not too excited about what awaits me. But I'm ok with it. I can do something. I can save people. And that is well worth the price.
Please don't mourn me. I'm happy. I'm at peace. I'll always be with you. Whenever you need me, I'll be there.
Thank you for saving me. In more ways then one.
Goodbye Derrin.

I fold the letter and place it next to the others. I look down at the pile of sad looking letters and sigh.
I quickly stand up and walk towards the tent. I peek my head in the doorway. The even breathing of Derrin confirms my suspicions. He's asleep.
I creep into the tent. I carefully place the stack of letters on the chair next to him. He'll see them when he wakes up.
I should probably leave.

I need to go, but it's hard. I want to tear up those letters and go find my friends. I wish I could be any other person. I don't want to leave.
I have to.

I blink the tears down, and turn around to leave.

"Eadu?" Derrin's sleep filled voice echoes around the tent. I turn back to him.

"Its ok. Go back to sleep." I sit down next to him. I can see his eyes slowly fluttering shut.

But before he is completely asleep, he speaks again.

"Don't leave. We'll figure everything out." He mutters. I bite my lip.

"Ok." I whisper. I hate that I have to lie.

Within seconds, Derrin is completely out of it. I stand up again. But this time, I don't look back.

Ok-I'm sorry if that was too cheesy to handle. I promise the next couple chapters will NOT be like that. Also I'm sorry that I haven't updated in a billion years. I'm dealing with a lot of crap in my life right now and I'm having trouble finding inspiration.
Thank you to everybody that took my advice and entered the Keeper Exams! If you didn't, then you should definitely check out the book anyway! It's pretty neat.
Anyway, thanks for reading this chapter. It was kinda a filler. :p
Until next time.