The Fight For My Life...
Cough... cough...
'It hurts so much... I'm so weak...'
My whole body ached... my skin was sore all over no matter where I was positioned...
I walked through the endless void towards the door home, wanting to be safe and sound. But I could barely walk... my legs felt like giving out any second and I knew if I fell, I couldn't get back up... I was shaking so hard that I looked like I was freezing...
Even when wearing my baggy clothes and jacket, I still felt cold... and yet warm...
COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!!
God, my throat hurts to all Hell... I can hardly breath... ooh... my chest hurts...
'Stay focused... stare forward... concentrate on the door...'
I thought to myself in a form of motivation in hopes to keep my body moving. Problem was that everything's so blurry that I can hardly see...
COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!! COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH~!!!
I was coughing so hard my face was getting red!
BANG!!
'Ah crap...'
I felt my body lurching forward in pain, my knee being bent and hitting the ground in a loud bang. This was not looking good... if I don't get back up...
'Nnng!'
I grit my teeth in pain as I tried to get back up on both my feet, but I was already so weak before... I actually lost all feeling in my leg!!
BAM!!
This will not end well... my left palm just hit the ground, briefly feeling the sting on it. What made it worse, that was the last feeling I had from it, I couldn't feel it anymore, or move it!
'This... can't end like... this!'
COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH, COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!!!
My chest heaved to be able to breath and my mouth was in great pain. Looking up, my eyes barely able to open, I could faintly see the door home. The only way back and for me to stop all this pain and out this all behind me and forget it...
'But... I can't...'
Even when reaching for that door with my only good hand, it just seemed a millions miles further than it was before. My eyes hurt, feeling wetness draining out of them and down my face and to the floor.
BAM!!!
My forehead slammed against the ground.
I didn't even feel it... like how I can't feel the rest of my body...
'Guess this is it... and I was so close... but looks like... I wasn't meant to...'
I felt the last of my strength leave the rest of my body, already knowing it's turning pale. Even with my vision blurred, I still gave it all I had to keep them open, praying to whoever was listening that they wouldn't stay closed. Though that wasn't enough, because they were so heavy...
'Good bye....'
I could the light from above, ready to take me...
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!?"
'Huh....'
Weakly opening my eyes with this unknown sudden strength, I looked forward. Despite it still being blurry, I could make out a figure standing not too far in front of me. His shoes were an inch from my face, looking very familiar to me for some reason.
"Dammit man, get the Hell up!!"
Whoever it was, he was impatient and angry that I was responding. It should be clear with how much pain I'm in.
'I can't even move...'
"Fine, I'll help!"
Don't know what happened, but I was suddenly picked by my shoulders and lifted above the ground. My head rolled around my neck, shaking in the arms of this random dude who's just roughly holding me. A small grunt came from my mouth as he tried to focus again on what's in front of me.
"Open your damn eyes!"
'I'm trying you a-!?!?!?'
When I finally focused, I saw a young looking man with brown, curly hair, a beard, and a mildly chubby face. He was very plain looking with his eyes blazing in anger with a deep frown on his face.
'Wha... me!?!?'
"Hell yeah it is!! Now, what the (beep) are you doing!?!?"
BANG!!
With a shove, he threw me back to the ground, landing on my butt with a slight bounce. I swear, if I weren't in so much pain, I'd throw down and whoop this copycat's ass!
"I'd like to see you try! Look at you!! Tears in your eyes, snot shooting from your nose, are you even trying!?!?"
'What do you want from me... I'm sick...'
"NO EXCUSE!!"
I flinched at his yelling, more so when he did it in my face, my back against the ground. I could hardly feel anything, but that's because my mind couldn't handle this much pain. Shakily lifting my head towards his other self, he could see he was irritated and tapping his feet impatiently.
"You're pathetic man! You make me ashamed to be me!"
'Who the Hell is he to judge!?'
"Seriously, you were just going to quit!? Right then and there!? Where's the fight for your life!!??"
'Left my system weeks ago... I don't even know how I'm still even breathing...'
The other me huffed as he grabbed my jacket and lifted me up with just one hand. Now I know this guy isn't me, because I am not this strong, even with my own body weight! What does this guy want from me, or better question, who in the Hell is he!?
"I'll tell you what I am! I'm you! Just the part of you that refuses to give up!"
Refuse to give up? Has he ever met me!? I give up all the time! Me accepting my fate is just in my nature! Regardless of my personal feelings, I knew it was my time.
"THE HELL YOU WILL!!!"
The other me shook me like a rag-doll, my head hurting more than ever, my teeth gritting in pain.
'Can't you lighten up man!?'
"Not until you stop giving in to this bullshit of accepting your fate when you know damn well it's not your time yet!"
'And how am I supposed to do that? My head hurts to all Hell and I legit can't feel a part of my body!!'
"Oh like that's stopped you before! Remember what happened last year!? You went to a whole new state in a hot van while sick with the flu! This crap should be a cakewalk!"
'Easy for you to say... still able to move and talk without your throat hurting and legs giving out!'
"Yes that didn't stop you from helping your family when sick to your stomach and want nothing more than to just sleep! Where is this drive that got you through that!?"
'Gone with all my strength... I just want to close my eyes-'
SMACK!!!
"Stop that dammit!!"
'You're so lucky that I can't more or else I'd kick you ass!'
No matter if this guy is saying he's me, that doesn't mean he can just slap me when I'm in clear pain!
"Then go ahead then, do it!"
'I can't!'
"Why not!?"
'Because I can't!'
"Liar! I know you can!"
'And I'm saying I can't!!'
"WHY!?!?"
'BECAUSE I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH!!!!'
...
I looked forward to seeing that his face was straight, devoid of any emotion to what I just said. He said nothing as he slowly put me against the ground again and turned around. I was confused as to what he was doing or what he's planning, I just hope whatever it is he makes it quick.
"You say you're not strong enough right?"
Unlike before, his voice was calmer, less pissed off and ready to punch me out cold. I don't know what his goal is exactly, but it seemed to matter to him for reasons he's yet to share.
'Yeah... I'm not...'
"Then what made you go through all that pain and suffering before?"
His question confused me.
'What do you mean?'
He turned around to give me a hard look, staring me straight in the eyes as he did.
"What I want to know is how can you go through the day doing anything to help your family? Where you go through sleepless nights trying to think of ways to help others you barely know or to just help your brothers? How can you ask if they need help even when they didn't ask you beforehand?
Tell me Zach, what helps you go through life despite you barely getting a payoff from those you help!?"
While his sudden shouting was unexpected, it made me think very deeply, harder than I had before.
Often when I was younger I thought over my life, comparing it to others, never really caring for my own. Life was boring no matter how I saw it, being different from how others saw it and were amazed. But even before all the pain started, I never looked into my life and how it impacted lives.
Like say people who matter to me...
"You have a wonderful heart Zach, you should be proud of caring so much for someone. And I'm proud of you having that as well."
Ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump...
Slowly, my heartbeat began rising, pumping blood into my system's once again. I felt an odd warmth go through my body, like a warm hug. It reminded me of when I hugged my mom when I was younger to feel better when I was sad. The hug I could get when I was really happy, when I had a bad day at school, or when I was disappointed.
"Zach, don't let the world get you down. No matter what, me and everyone else still love you and will support you no matter what."
Soft, tingling feelings etched in the edges of my hands and feet, making them twitch. This feeling made me think of the many high-fives my dad and I would share each day. Or the many times we went out for a walk to hand out and bond as father and son. Even if we didn't have a destination, it was those walks I always loved the most.
"I know we argue, but you're my brother, and nothing will ever change that."
My ears burned as the slight ringing died down as I could finally hear clearly. Those old conversations I had with Josh always made me feel better and I'd like to think it helped him as well during those tough times. We weren't close when we were younger, but but I think we have a better relationship now.
"You're helping a lot of people Zach. You should know that we made a lot of effort thanks to your help."
The burning in my throat is just gone, making me able to breathe again as my nose happily enjoyed the air in my lungs. The breathing makes me think of Mr. Jacobs, my Special Education instructor and how he helped me accept who I am. And then later help others accept that as well in the many speeches he signed me up for.
"You're awesome Zach! Never forget that and how much we support anything you do!"
My chest heaved in and out with my breathing steadying and my head feeling less warm. My brother Chelton was always the one to cheer me and the rest up when we were younger. I think me helping out was thanks to him just being himself throughout the good and bad times.
"You saved my life man. You stopped me from doing something horrible and I'll always remember it! You're my friend, my brother, and the few people who understand me in this world!"
Feeling returned to my legs as if they were just asleep with my toes curling and knees bending. It reminds me of Conor, the newest addition to my life and am thankful to have in it. Despite having 4 siblings, there were few things we could truly bond over no matter how hard we tried. With Conor, it felt like he was the 5th brother I never had, me wanting to help him in any way I could.
"Good luck bro, hope you stay safe!" "Be safe dude, don't get lost or hurt."
My arms regain feeling, my palms pushing against the ground to push my whole body up. Christian and Gabe weren't the most emotionally outputting as the rest of us, but I knew they cared. Even if they don't show it as often, I know they love our family like the rest of us and we them.
'NNG!!'
With a heavy grunt, I was able to finally stand on my feet again, thought stumbled a bit. Even if the rest of my body seemed working better than they were earlier, my eyes still burned. I rubbed them to get rid of the pain, but it wouldn't go away, making me sigh.
"Hey..."
Looking up, my vision still shaky, I saw something different.
Instead of seeing an exact mirror copy of myself, I saw myself in a much younger body. Given his pudgy appearance and clothes, I'd have to guess that was me when I was around 10.
The worst year of my life...
"Did you give up? Because I thought we promised we wouldn't do that again..."
I knew what the younger me was talking about...
When I was 10, I was a lazy, bored, and unmotivated kid, very different from how people would describe me now.
And for good reason.
Similar to the life changes of this damned virus, it was 10 years ago around this time I made the biggest change of my life. I promised myself I'd be more active, help more, and generally try harder to better my life and my families. I didn't want to see them down with my doing nothing to help them when I could've. While times like those are gone, I made sure to keep that promise to both my family and myself.
I would try and never give up...
"Never give up... that is what we said and we won't break it."
His small smile was infectious as I stood tall, somehow stronger than I was before. Every part of me felt better and I knew in my heart that life will be different because of this change. Fighting off this virus is more than survival... it's a life changer that I had been lacking...
For so long I never bothered to go into my own life, seeing it as pointless to begin with. But this... it made me realize how I matter to those I call my friends and family.
I need them as much as they need me!
"You going now?"
The younger me asked as I nodded, my head held high and my feet making loud claps against the ground. The door was now much closer than it was earlier, meaning I didn't need to take that many steps to get there.
"Things won't be easy when you go back you know."
I gripped the door handle tightly, loving the feeling of cool metal against my open palm.
"Was it ever?"
I had to joke, hearing a small laugh from him, making me smile.
"Guess those pearly gates will have to wait."
Turning around, I saw my mirror self again with a satisfied grin on his face, directed towards me.
"A long, LONG time hopefully."
SHINE~
I opened the door back home, giving one last look at the void that I had been walking through. My other self was gone, but I wasn't sad, because he wasn't gone, he was just back where he belonged, in my head.
"And now, back to where I belong..."
After opening the door fully, I went inside to go back to where I was meant to be and have my life back.
And maybe, just maybe, have a better one than I had before...
/////
A/N:... Wow that was a rollercoaster of emotions, but worth it, knowing that I got it out of my system. Being one of the carriers of the same disease so many people made me think over my life. Is is essentially what I did to keep my life alive during that time.
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