The first thing I realise is that I am freezing cold. My lungs are clenching tighter and tighter. I cannot breathe, cannot think. In that moment, I forget myself. But I do know that I am underwater and everything is a blur and water is surging into my mouth, choking my throat and my chest and I am still unable to breathe. My head, my lungs, my whole body, burns, fire raging inside me, eating its way through my body. I need oxygen, I need to breathe, but no, there is no oxygen to take in and I. Cannot. Freaking. Breathe.

Only one thought forms in my mind.

I am dying.

Finally dying.

I am very still, but my lungs-God, my fucking lungs-are screaming and screaming and I am so giddy and there is a deep, haunting crescendo playing in my ears and then I wonder if I am already dead.

I must be, because suddenly the blazing pain is gone and my vision tilts straight and I see blue waters around me. I am still in blue waters, but it isn't an ice bath anymore, but warm and soothing. I don't think I am breathing, but my chest doesn't hurt anymore and the harrowing throb in my head ceases.

Is this what death feels like? Or, well, being dead. Everything feels surreal and I'm not sure if I like it.

Then, there is a slight stir, a slight movement in front of me that causes a small ripple in the still water. Someone-or something-begins to take form, very faintly and slowly. I might have screamed, because a stream of bubbles rushes out of my mouth. The figure is sharper now, and I am almost sure it is a man and I am thinking,'fuck, fuck' and he rises a meter in front of me and is pushing wet tangles of hair from his face and he smiles and I know for sure I am dead because it is him.

Augustus Waters opens his mouth, as if to speak, but nothing but bubbles spills from his lips. Then, I hear his voice in my head.

"Hello there, Hazel Grace."

I don't speak. He is before me right now, and I cannot resist doing the only thing that I want to do. And I do it.

I kick my numb legs so that I am right in front of him. Swiftly bringing my hands up to cup Augustus's face, I lean in to press my lips against his. I can feel his crooked smile against my mouth as he gladly obliges and returns the kiss. His hands slide up my back and he pulls me closer towards him, our bodies moulded perfectly against each other, like how two jigsaws fix themselves with each other. The water stings my eyes, but I don't want to close them because I want to drink in every minute detail of Augustus Waters.

I tilt my head, parting my lips slightly which allows Augustus to deepen the kiss. My bare legs curl around his body and I finger my way up the nape of his neck and finally slide my hand into his messy and wet hair, tugging lightly at his damp locks.

I've missed him.

His tongue is flicking about in my mouth teasingly, his finger traces circles on my back, causing me to shiver despite the warmth rushing through my body. Augustus's eyes are closed, though, droplets of water catching on his long eyelashes. He moves down, leaving a trail of kisses on my neck before he finally reaches my collarbone, brushing his lips against it. I think he murmurs something into my skin because I feel a pressure on my collarbone, and then I hear his voice in my head. "God, I love you, I love you."

Bubbles flood out of my mouth as I continue to untangle knots in his hair absentmindedly, but I know Augustus can hear my voice as clearly as I can hear his.

"I love you, too."

"I can never get enough of you, Hazel Grace," he laughs, his body vibrating against mine. So close. We are so close.

My legs are still loosely wrapped around Augustus as he nips slightly at my collarbone, and I let him. I allow my fingers to slip from his hair and hook my arm around his neck so that we are even closer and I realize I cannot get enough of Augustus Waters either.

I caress his cheek with my free hand and then tickle his chin gently, emitting a giggle from him. My brain is still numb, but it zeros in on one question which I want to make sure of.

"Augustus," I whisper. "Am I... dead?"

He doesn't answer.

"Am I?" I urge.

Augustus had been kissing my neck, but he is not now. His body is still pressed against mine, and then his grip on my back loosens and I am internally screaming but not exactly sure of the reason.

No, no, no.

My voice is quiet but tense. "Augustus?"

Augustus finally looks up slowly and his face is pale, the lively color once in his eyes now gone.

"No, Hazel Grace," he mumbles weakly. "You're not dead. I am."

I am frozen again. Augustus inclines his head and leaves a soft and lingering kiss on my lips.

"Goodbye."

Then he is gone.

I am falling through the water at an incredible speed and everything is a blur and I am still plummeting down, down. The water pressure knocks the shit out of me and I cannot even scream.

I finally land on something soft and find myself trying to catch my breath. My heart is beating fast, too fast. There's a white spread of ceiling towering above me and I scrunch up a fistful of bedsheet as I take in the familiar surroundings.

No.

I am in my bedroom.

I am not dead.

I try to sit up, but a sharp pain blazes at my side and I cringe, taking a few deep breaths before being able to sit upright. It is still dark outside with only a faint shaft of moonlight irradiating the covers slightly. The dreams with Augustus have been happening on alternate nights, sometimes sad, sometimes happy. Or sometimes it goes from sad to happy and back to sad, stuff like that.

Now, I've been pregnant for four and a half months and it's getting tougher each day. Like, I would feel short of breath more often and it's also exhausting to move around, which is expected, obviously. And, well, you don't see a pregnant teenager who has cancer everyday so a lot of attention is drawn towards me which isn't something I love garnering.

The baby kind of kicks at any random hour which is supposed to be a good thing, I am told; it means the baby is active and healthy. But it hurts, a lot. It's miraculous though, how I managed to survive with a baby in my stomach for four and a half months. And my cancer didn't act up and go crazy and kill everything in my body once.

There's a doctor appointment tomorrow, where the doctors will determine the gender of the baby and I don't even think I want to know. It'll just make it seem more real than it already is, make me feel like I am already a mother.

A mother. God.