“MY ARMS ACHE, OUTSTRETCHED FOR TOO LONG,
WRAPPED AROUND A LOVER WHO ISN’T THERE.”

Seokjin could feel the electrical storms in his brain.

He had seizures frequently in the past three years. With the help of strict medicines, he had been successfully avoiding them by artificially sleeping every night. He only slept if he had sleeping pills in high doses. Without the pills, he would stay awake all night and feel sick, that's when the seizures kicked in. If he had proper sleep, he could escape those seizures.

It was almost time to meet with Yoon Min. They planned to meet at night so that she could go to work during the day. Since morning, he prepared himself not to give into the attacks. So he didn’t boldly take the medicines, in hope he would be able to fight them off.

But when the clock's hand stuck at 8, he started to experience abnormal sensations like vertigo, nausea and anxiety. The sick feeling rose from the stomach to the throat, and he recognized a seizure was about to begin.

He didn’t know why he told Yoon Min he wanted to meet at night. Knowing he'd never be able to make it, he still suggested something as close as taking a very big risk. At that moment, he only knew he wanted to help her at any cost. She risked her job in this foreign country just for him.

But that was a bad idea.

A sudden headache shot up to his head, causing him to feel dizzy. Upon thinking roughly, he remembered since he hadn’t taken his medicines, he was wide awake at a time he was supposed to be asleep. The symptoms started showing quicker than he expected.

In a second, all his muscles stiffened, numbness tingled in his body. He lost his balance and fell to the floor, panicking. Tremors started in one area, then spread to other areas of his body. Soon his arms and legs began to jerk rapidly and rhythmically. Repeatedly blinking his eyes, they moved to one side and looked upwards like a spirit.

The jerking movements became intense and rapid. He found difficulty in breathing and he was sweating from every hole of his body. He was so ready to go out tonight. He thought he would be able to stop using the meds and live a normal life. But the memories were too vivid. Every hateful comment, every disappointing gaze, every useless step to help him...

Sanity never worked for his damn life. He tried his best to get back to his previous life, but how could he when he was trying to restore a life he lost forever?

After a while, the jerking movements slowed down and the numbness grew more. Losing all of his strength, he closed his eyes and lost consciousness, leaving his distressed state for some time.

There were loud bangings on his door after a few minutes. He fluttered his eyelids open slowly. He was too tired, too confused, too weak to open it. He blacked out for a short period and most of the time he didn’t even realize where he was. With whatever he had left in his poor strength, he managed to open it and shut his eyes immediately after.

“My Goodness! Look at you, Seokjin!”

Yu Beom rushed inside his apartment and was shocked to see him lying on the doorstep. The idol looked a bit blue as if he had trouble breathing or the pain was still there.

He dropped to his knees. “Hey, you okay? I just got a call from Yoon Min. She said something must've happened and begged me to visit you.”

Seokjin could only hear faintly whatever he was blabbering. All he heard was Yoon Min's name.

Manager Yu Beom took steps to carry him. “Come on, you should sleep. Why didn’t you take your medicine? You are supposed to sleep now!”

After struggling with his weight, the kindhearted manager finally succeeded in putting him on the bed without changing his clothes. He turned on the air-conditioner and pulled the blanket over his body. After he was fed the pills, the idol felt slightly better. But as soon as he thought he failed to meet with her today, he sighed heavily and shut his eyes in disappointment.

Yu Beom stood beside the bed and crossed his arms. “Can you tell me what were you thinking earlier?”

“I was going to meet with Yoon Min.”

Shocked, the manager yelled with broad eyes. “Are you crazy? You aren't allowed to be awake at night. This isn't my word, this is the doctor's word. How can you forget this? And Yoon Min— I expected more from her! She knows you cannot go out at night but she still planned this? God, this is unacceptable! I—”

“Relax, Manager-nim. It was my idea. She was against it,” he murmured before closing his eyes and leaning against a pillow.

“I don't care whose idea it was but I'm extremely disappointed by your stupidity,” he grabbed a chair and placed it beside the bed. Sitting on it, he continued. “Seokjin, you cannot risk your health like this. You are on suicide watch, you know that.”

Seokjin had nothing to say about that.

“You're lucky I was informed by Yoon Min this time. God knows what would've happened to you if I hadn't arrived here on time! Do you want to hurt—”

The next few minutes were continued with his nonstop scoldings. He knew Yu Beom was one of those people who were worried for him. Although he grew tired of his useless bits of advice, he never stopped him from doing so. At least, someone cared to talk to him.

Since Yu Beom didn’t seem to stop talking, he had to open his eyes and glance at him. “I want to sleep. Can you text Yoon Min on behalf of me, please?”

The manager blinked surprisedly. Then he rolled his eyes as he figured out his presence wasn’t needed anymore. He released a discouraging groan before nodding his head and taking out his phone from his pocket.

Seokjin thought deeply about what he could possibly explain about what happened and realized she'd learn it by tomorrow anyway. So keeping it short, he only told the manager to text her sorry. Then he laid his head on the pillow, shutting his eyes tightly.

Yu Beom sent her the text and got up from the chair. Turning the lights off and making sure he was ready to sleep, he let out gently, “Sleep well,”

He closed the door, turning the whole room dark. And the idol drifted off to a dreamless sleep, with nightmares and tears again.

✦✧✧ - ✧✧✦

“I'm sorry,” Seokjin glanced down at his feet.

“Nah, don't worry about it. I'm glad you're okay,” Yoon Min replied.

He wondered if she really was the person she acted in front of him.

Clearing his throat, he glanced around their surrounding. The cafe was neat for sure. The marble-designed floor impressed him mostly. Also, the air was fresh. She always chose the best places.

He decided to discuss that matter. “So what do we do?”

She broke her gaze away from the window and looked at him. She placed the beverage down on the table and crossed her arms to look smart. Though she didn’t.

“Yu Beom-ssi told me not to meet you at night. Should I listen to him?”

He was surprised. “When did he tell you?”

“Last night,” she paused. “I get him, you know? We took a big risk all of a sudden. It affected your health.”

He bit his lower lip and looked outside. Why was he so weak? Both physically and mentally. She might not show it but he knew he disappointed her. He acted so enthusiastically the day before yesterday when they decided to meet at night. He was so ready to help her in her job. But like always, he failed.

“Jin-ssi...” he heard Yoon Min calling him gently. “Are you feeling guilty?”

Hearing her words, he glanced at her with sad eyes.

She shook her head. “Look, if you're thinking of helping me by meeting at night, then I don't want to do it. You have to think about your life. You need to be determined to get back to your old life. It's always you. Between us, always think of yourself. It's all about you. Remember I am supposed to help you somehow. Don't think of overcoming your fear to help me in my job. Okay?”

Of course, she would say that. When was it about her? She told him stories of her past whenever he wanted to help him realize how life holds more than you imagine. She was always putting him first before her.

Although he wasn’t that guilty about it, but he knew it wasn’t fair to give him priority always.

“Do you know what Elenore Roosevelt said once?”

He shook his head. How would he know what she said when he didn’t even know her?

“Do one thing that scares you every day.”

She started to explain, “I'm not gonna listen to Yu Beom-ssi. You need to get off those meds. If you continue taking these pills over time, the substances will build up in your body and produce unwanted side effects. The result will be worse than you think. I'm surprised you don't know this.”

The doctors did tell him to take sleeping pills as less as possible. They had suggested to take them four nights a week. It was his decision to take those pills every night. He just craved for them.

“How many days do you need them?”

“Four nights a week,” he lied.

She glared at him for a painful amount of time which made him surrender. “Seven days a week.” He sounded very ashamed.

“From now on, one night a week, you'll not take any sleeping pills. On the rest days, you will lower your dose and try to sleep naturally. And that one night, I will personally help you to sleep.”

Too much information froze his brain. He understood her point but there was possibly no way he could survive a night without pills. Last night was enough to show what a weak guy he was. He asked uneasily, “B-but how?”

He saw Yoon Min forming a rick smirk. “I have a plan.”

The way she was smirking didn’t make him feel any better. She was smart and reliable of course, but sometimes he doubted her weird plans and ways of doing things.

By the mixed expression on his face, the girl across him began to tell him. “That one night, I'll be by your side. We will sit under the sky and dive deep into the abysm of our thoughts. We will forget about your insomnia and seizures and discuss the stars!”

Just like he feared, she wanted to be delusional and do whatever her heart told her.

Shaking his head, he denied it. “No, no, that's not a--”

“Trust me, Jin-ssi. There is no chance for you to go nuts when you're in the presence of the stars. I told you I will be with you. Don't be scared.”

She started to drink her beverage again with that playful smirk.

“And I'm not trying to play any doctor. Let's just say I know a thing or two.”

Seokjin had his gut telling already it was going to be a big mistake.

☆THE FAULT IN OUR STARS☆

THANK YOU FOR READING
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