“TREASURE THOSE WHO HEAR US EVEN IN THE MOST SILENT WAYS AND SEE US EVEN IN OUR DARKEST DAYS.”

#write me a letter

Seokjin let out a sigh. He couldn’t remember how long it had been since he took a seat at his desk and grabbed a pen and a paper. Glancing at the clock, it mocked him with its reading of 2 a.m.

Now he was bad at writing letters. Every time the members had to post long messages for their fans, he was the one struggling with words. Some members excelled effortlessly, weaving emotions together with eloquent language. They could fill pages without hesitation, but he struggled to even begin.

“It doesn’t have to be long or greatly written. Take your time and just write anything you want to tell me. Maybe there's something you can't directly tell me, or maybe you have feelings locked in your chest that need to come out. Write those all down.”

Yoon Min's words before she gave him the list echoed inside his mind. This was the last task on the list. It was hard to believe that he had already completed the other task. He knew that if he didn’t finish this one, he wouldn’t be able to see her soon. Instead of dwelling on it, he decided to simply jot down whatever came to his mind.

“Dear Yoon Min,

I'm currently writing this at 2:09 a.m. in my living room. I’ve never been good at writing letters so you will have to forgive my shortcomings. I never told you the truth about the incident, did I? So, I guess this is a pretty good topic to touch on.

I don't have many friends. I still have a few friends from high school and the military, but to be honest, I've been actually friendless since I became a trainee. I have less than 10 celebrities in my contact list. I think it's because people feel kind of pressured to be with someone not as ordinary as them.

There was a time when I was an ordinary boy. Back when I was in middle school, I was quite popular. I used to do my homework, attend classes and help out my friends. I guess I wasn’t the most dedicated student, but I made an effort. I even had my own friend circle. We used to study at a math academy, hang out sometimes and dream of becoming adults.

Back then, there was a circle that used to bully the weak ones, caused trouble wherever they went, smoked and acted like gangsters. They were called 'The Notorious' behind their backs. They had a strong influence over the students, even the teachers stayed out of their way. We didn’t get along hence we just avoided them. However, I remember one time, a fight broke out between a friend of mine and their leader, resulting in my friend's suspension while the leader faced no consequences. Our circle became their primary enemy at that point.

I had no idea I would end up having an encounter with one of them years later.

A few months before that incident, I was in Jongno-gu to film my solo album's promotional videos. There I met that leader from that circle coincidentally. I didn’t recognize him at first, but when he introduced himself, the memories came rushing back. He looked different, had tattoos all over his body, muscled arms, pierced eyebrows and was taller. He told me he left his past behind and was no longer a bad guy. He even apologized for his behaviour.

He then invited me to a party, said that it was a reunion from school and all our friends were coming. I got excited foolishly and agreed to come. I thought he actually changed, but damn my life, how wrong I was!

I went to the party that night. When I arrived, everyone threw me such looks as if I didn’t belong there. I also couldn’t find any familiar faces. I wasn’t even sure if it was a reunion event because the party looked nothing like it. I started to search for him and found him with a group of men who looked like drug addicts and a bunch of women who unmistakably appeared to be prostitutes. When he saw me, he welcomed me like I was his closest buddy and introduced me to his men who clearly didn't welcome my presence.

They gathered around and started doing illegal activities. Everyone in the party was either smoking or drinking alcohol in a concerning amount. The leader made me sit beside him, and they engaged in gambling, playing cards and vaping. The intoxicated men laughed, smoked, drank, and swore lewdly. It was a horrible moment for me. I regretted coming to the party, I knew I shouldn’t have come here.

At one point, someone brought out a box containing an array of drugs, and they openly indulged in them. I was appalled by what I witnessed. Seeing my discomfort, the leader offered me a cigarette, which I declined. He taunted me, something about being a man, which caused me to reconsider. I mean, Jungkook and Namjoon smoked and nothing happened to them, so I thought I should give it a try too.

I took the cigar to my mouth and as soon as I inhaled, I felt different. Not in a good way. I felt euphoric, mind-blowing, a little dizzy and suffocating. There was something very wrong with the cigarette because even though it was my first time trying it, I knew this wasn't how it was supposed to taste. I coughed and threw it away.

The leader was displeased with my actions, but I couldn’t care less. I attempted to leave then. He tried to stop me but I didn’t look back. Suddenly, he spun me around and punched me in the face. I was filled with anger and struck him back. His men noticed our fight and they were coming at me in order. I escaped before they could approach me and left the party like that.

The next day, I saw a video of me all over the internet. It was the fight from last night. They only posted the part where I hit back. By then, it was already viral, netizens making quick assumptions about me. The video provided a clear picture of the party, which led to assumptions that it was an illegal gathering. They claimed I was involved with gambling, drugs and nasty activities. The police interfered only after they spread rumours of my drug addiction. They took me to the station, tested and the result found evidence of drugs in my body.

How could I possibly explain what happened? I still did, every single word out of my mouth was true. I told the officers I never did drugs nor even thought of doing so. I told them how that guy was trying to frame me, that I had only taken a poof from the cigarette, without realizing it contained marijuana.

Apart from that, I couldn’t find a way to defend myself. No one listened to me, no one cared, no one thought I wasn’t capable of those charges. I can't remember how many times I was taken to the police station and interrogated like a criminal. Nevertheless, I actively cooperated with all investigation procedures and scientific examinations.

The Seoul Metropolitan Police Agency conducted an extensive investigation over the following months but was unable to find any evidence to support the allegations. As a result, I was given a suspended sentence since the quantity of substance found in me was minimal. I was fined heavily and sentenced to prison. However, that's where Hybe Labels stepped in. They petitioned to have my penalties revoked and instead arranged for me to serve in the military with the promise that I would no longer be associated with BTS. They reached an agreement and thus I was presumed guilty of several charges.”

Seokjin put the pen down and released a sigh. Three years disappeared into the wind after that incident. Since that incident, he had been living, accepting the slow death of his glowing youth. He could never go back to the way he was.

Staring at the paper, he thought for a while and started writing again.

“Since then, I haven't felt myself in years. When I wake up every morning, it breaks my heart. The fact that I was on top of the world and now I have nothing is just very upsetting. I'm afraid all the good things in my life have gone away, I'm afraid that nobody will ever understand or even care about me again. I used to be so confident and certain about everything, but now I don't even know who I am or what I want. I don't know my place in this world anymore.

The truth is, I've been in hiding. Hiding from the world and myself. Somehow, that incident and the following events made me feel like the blame was on me, that I deserved it, that I was at fault maybe. I figured blaming myself was easier than loathing people who I once loved. That's what I've been doing all this time. Running from my past, running from those memories, just running.

I don't know if I can ever stop running.”

✦✧✧ - ✧✧✦

Yoon Min read the letter in her living room and honestly, her silent expression wasn’t assuring him very well.

Seokjin started to analyze her quiet reaction. What if she didn’t like it? He pretty much poured his soul into the letter, something he never did in a long while. Personally, he thought he had done a good job.

After some time, he poked her arm lightly. “I didn’t know you're a slow reader.”

She took that joke personally as she swung her head at him. “I'm not slow! I was just reading it for the third time.”

Nodding, he asked, “So, what do you think?”

“It's way better than I expected. To be honest, I assumed you would probably write a line or two.” Finally, she folded the paper and put it in her pocket. “I loved it actually. I didn’t think you would ever tell me about the incident. Now that I know the full story, I feel sadder than I ever did for you. You got involved by accident and no one ever believed you. I can't imagine what you went through all alone. ”

He himself didn’t want to imagine how he had been spending every day, trying to survive mental war with a deep scar in his past. So many times he lost his mind, so many times he tried to be normal, so many times he wondered if he wasn’t good enough. These thoughts created goosebumps inside him.

Suddenly, he felt one of her hands on his back. She rubbed her hand up and down slowly. Whatever she was doing with whatever intention, he felt intense comfort and relief.

“W-what are you doing?”

As much as he liked it, a part of his conscience reminded him of her place in his life.

“I'm consoling you,” she replied. “Studies proved human touch can reduce cortisol; the hormone responsible for stress, and release endorphins that soothe pain. Sometimes we don't really know what we should say to someone grieving, we can't find the right words because there aren't any. That's when physical affection comes to the rescue. They're perfect to let them know you're here for them.”

Did that mean she didn’t have any words for him right now? Was that why she was consoling him like this? This was a new side of her. Till today, she always used perfect words to heal him easily. She refrained from any type of physical touch because she was very careful not to take one step out of her boundaries.

Maybe she was truly heartbroken about what happened to him.

Touch is a powerful thing. Seokjin ignored the butterflies in his stomach every time he was with her, ignoring the yearning to keep her with him all the time. He fought not to fall for her words or her smile or the way she showed kindness and respect to him. But her hand on his back was making all his efforts go in vain.

She probably didn’t mean anything special. The hand on the back is a classic sign of support. It’s friendly, warm and a platonic gesture. There's no way she felt the same emotions he felt for her. No way she saw him more than a friend, even though he was her bias.

To divert his mind from those thoughts, he asked her, “Hey, where is my gift?”

She stopped rubbing his back and stared at him. She forgot it, didn’t she?

“You said if I complete all the tasks, you'll give me a gift.”

“Right! Of course! How did I forget that?” Yoon Min laughed to cover her forgetfulness. He smiled mentally at her cute acting.

She jumped to her feet, straightened her back and positioned her arms straight down, like a mannequin doll. With a cute smile, she closed her eyes and recited like a robot.

“Your gift is me! A personalised human lamp! Tug my arm to turn the light on and off.”

He chuckled being foolishly scammed, though he wasn’t actually expecting anything from her.

Following her instruction, he gently held her arm and softly tugged on it. Like a robot, she opened her eyes widely and stayed still, lips trembling to hide a smile. He chuckled and tugged it again, this time she closed her eyes shut.

He loved it. “The lamp surprisingly works well.”

Yoon Min opened her eyes and exclaimed, “And this lamp will always be there to light your way in the darkness!”

He knew she meant that. And so he believed her.

☆THE FAULT IN OUR STARS☆

THANK YOU FOR READING
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A/N: Happy 11th Anniversary to my ARMY fellas!
And welcome home, Kim Seok Jin 🌙👨‍🚀