A/n: FINALLY!!

The author kicks open the basement door and makes his way to a leather couch, Salem is still sitting while watching him stumble over. He makes it to the couch and falls face first into it.

A/n: "siiiggghhh" Rich Corinthian leather......

Salem: What are you doing?

He turns his head over to stare at Salem.

A/n: It's done. It's ALL done! Everything has been scrubbed clean. All the shit has been thrown out and replaced. The kitchen..... is reborn!

He pulls out a picture and hands it to Salem.

Salem: Oh! That's actually not that bad.

A/n: Too tired to back sass... Whatcha doin?

The author looks over at the 70 inch screen tv and sees multiple screens on it.

Salem: A few years ago, my father planted cameras almost everywhere in Remnant. Says it's the closest he can get to being 'omnipresent' or something.

A/n: Do you get the nudie channel on this thing?

[Location: The dark side of Remnant's moon]

Hiding within the moon's shadow floats an absolute beast of a dreadnought. In the main deck sits a man in T-45 armor with red highlights. Floating in front of him is a hologram of schematics from Remnant's technology.

Warlider: Hmm. Interesting... In some cases, their tech is more advanced than what I know of. In other cases, they are absolutely ass backwards! Ha! I mean, come on. How the hell have they not launched a successful satellite!? We got that shit down on the first few tries!

He waves his hand over the holo screen to a new display, showing a dissected banana. No matter how many times his scientists cut open these things, alive or dead, he can not figure out how these bananas became sentient with arms and legs. Swiping again, a picture of a large man in golden armor appears that he took back in the meeting at the grimm castle.

Warlider:..... p0zi0ner huh.

After much thought, Warlider stands up and makes his way to one of the ship's main cannons. On the way, he spots his right hand man.

Warlider: Hans!

The little man jumps a bit and faces his general.

Hans: Y-yes, sir?

Warlider: Prepare the main cannons and await my signal. While I'm gone, you are in charge.

Hans: Of course. What is our target?.... What do you mean while your gone?

Warlider: I will be heading planet side on my own. Don't wait up.

Hans: I shall prepare a shuttle for you, sir.

Warlider: That'll take too long. That's why I need you to prepare the cannons.

Hans: Why would you...... Oh.

Warlider: Let's face it, this is not the most crazy thing I have done. Now, about those cannons...

After some preparations, Warlider climbs into the cannon with his chainsword and heavy flamethrower.

Warlider: On my mark, Hans. 3... 2... 1... MARK!

Mark: Yes, sir?

Warlider: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT PVT. MARK! YOU DO THIS EVERY FUCKING TI-

*BOOM*

And just like that, he is launched from the dreadnought, hurdling towards the planet at thousands of miles.

Warlider: YEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

[Location: Banana dimension]

On top of a hill surrounded by banana trees stands a yellow castle.

Deep within the castle lays a golden throne with it's ruler clad in golden armor sitting in the seat deep in thought, two banana servants fanning him on either side.

p0zi0ner:................................ Wow, this is boring.

He taps his fingers on the armrests of his chair, trying to find a new way to past the time.

p0zi0ner: "sigh" As inconvenient as it was, Salem crashing into my banana orphanage did set in motion a fun afternoon the next day... I wonder how the others are doing.

He waves one of his gold plated hands in the air and a rip in reality forms infront of him, showing him the events of the banana war from the grimm castle.

p0zi0ner: Aaahhh, fun times........... You know what? Fuck it, I'm going for a walk!

He stands to his full 8 foot height, dissipating the image while reaching behind his throne and pulls out a golden mace and a banana sword.

p0zi0ner:............... Eh. I'm feeling macey today.

He tosses the banana sword over his shoulder, embedding it into a picture of himself. Opening a portal infront of him, he makes his way forward.

p0zi0ner: Oh! Before I forget... BARRY!

The sound of skittering can be heard getting closer to p0zi0ner. A banana being runs to it's master's presence.

Barry: Shrepoog?

p0zi0ner: I shall leave you in charge of the castle while I am away. Please do not declare war on any of the other fruit gods again, or me forbid "shutters" the vegetable gods.

Barry: Pookla.

p0zi0ner: Excellent!

As p0zi0ner walks through the portal, Barry runs to the throne and sits in it. He pulls out a crown from nowhere and wears it.

[Location: unknown location]

Deep within a dark damp cave, a person with dark brown hair lays unconscious on a slab of rock.

5hoursofRegret:............................. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHGGGGG!!!!

He accidentally rolls off the slab and falls to the ground. Opening his brown eyes, he scans his environment.

5hoursofRegret: Where am I?! The last thing I remember was being shoved into a burning coffin then thrown into the sea then eaten by the kraken then-Hey what's that?

Reaching over, he grabs a strange shotgun with a note attached to it.

Note: Dear Regret,

Here's a shotgun that turns into a hammer. Go bash some poor bastard's head in.

P.s. Try to remember which end the bullets come out.

5hoursofRegret: Well that's just passive aggressive.

He stands up with the shotgun and inspects it. With one click of a button, it transforms into a hammer.

5hoursofRegret: Neat. Alright, time to get out of here.

He makes his way out of the cave and spots a nearby city. Over head he sees a burning ball falling out of the sky.

5hoursofRegret: Oohh, falling star!

[Location: grimm castle]

The author and Salem stay seated as they watch two people having sex on the tv.

Girl: Oh! Oh yeah! Right theeeere!

Salem: She's faking it.

Salem grabs the remote and flips through other 'channels'. As she does, the author notices something familiar for a split second.

A/n: Wait, go back!

Salem: No.

The author tackles Salem and wrestles for the remote. As she was about to back hand him off, he punches her in the cooch.

Salem: AAURGH, MY DEAD BOX!

Momentarily stunned, the author rips the remote from her grasp and flips back to a few channels. He stops to one and sees a giant man in gold armor walking around the city of Vale.

A/n: Is that...

A moment later the camera shakes violently before a man in power armor steps out of an alley. They talk for a brief moment and then shake hands before continuing their walk.

A/n: WHY IS HE-

The two armored men turn around to see someone running towards them, waving his war hammer in the air. They all high hive each other and keep walking.

A/n: "high pitched scream" WHY ARE THEY BACK?!?!

Salem: "groan"

A/n: I gotta go!

He runs out of the basement, leaving Salem on the couch holding her crotch. He runs through the halls to the front gate.

A/n: Nononononononononononono! Huh?

The author stops in his tracks as he looks at a mirror and sees what he is wearing.

A/n: Ew.

He runs into a random room and closes the door. The sound of rummaging, shouting, furniture breaking, gunfire, and a small explosion can be heard. A minute later, the author steps out with a new set of clothing; a white bullet proof mask, red hoodie, brown cargo pants, and black shoes.

A/n: I can work with this. Now where was I? Oh yes.

He runs through the halls and straight out of the castle. The author spots a sleeping nevermore and runs towards it, he pulls out Gleipnir and whips it around it's neck. The nevermore awakes with a startle as it felt something jump on it's back. It thrashes about for a few seconds before taking flight, the author holding on tightly.

A/n: To Vale, you spawn of Edgar Allan Poe!

----

To be continued...