Romanticization
by merrychristmooose

I recently had the pleasure of reading an advance reader's copy of Always Forever Maybe by Anica Mrose Rissi as part of a "Blind Date With a Book" event at my local bookshop. There was a shelf of different YA novels all wrapped in paper and stuck with a sticky note describing different themes of the book. You choose mostly at random, because most of the books are pretty similar. I'm very glad that out of all the books I could have chosen, I happened to pick this book, because it made me think about a subject that is close to my heart: romance in fiction, and how it should be properly portrayed.

This is an aspect of literature that I think about a lot; it's a very complicated topic. No doubt, everyone who's reading this has had an experience with a story that includes a romanticized abusive relationship, forced romance, or a picture- perfect, cliché romance that bores you within the first two pages. And, while this drives me crazy, it's an unavoidable fact that every writer (especially beginners) go through a phase where they have problems avoiding unhealthy portrayals of relationships in romance stories. Thus brings us to today's topic: how to write a realistic, healthy romance.

Perhaps one of the most important things you will learn in regards to your writing in all genres is this: if you are publishing your story for the world to see, it is not just your story anymore. The minute you publish your story, whether through a publishing corporation or just on Wattpad, you have an audience. It's alright to have your own, private stories that involve romanticized relationships, because those private stories are private. No one except you will see them, so if you can handle some of the disturbing truths that come with romanticized relationships (while recognizing that normally these relationships are not okay), then it is perfectly fine for you to have romanticized elements in your story.
However, once you have an audience it is not okay to include romanticized abuse in your story. This includes romanticized mental illnesses, romanticized drug, sexual, physical, and mental abuse, and relationships where love is the answer to every problem, no matter how serious it is (this will be touched on more later).

Unless you are demonstrating why these relationships are unhealthy, like Rissi does in Always Forever Maybe, it is not okay to portray unhealthy relationships as healthy. The moment you hit publish, your story is not only your own journey, but your readers' journey. It becomes important not only for the sake of a realistic story but because it is part of publishing an ongoing story (as many writers on Wattpad do) to think about the readers that actually have mental illnesses or have suffered from abuse. From personal experience, seeing a romanticized, normalized, played-down version of an issue that has affected your own life in an extremely negative way is disturbing; it turns an issue that has deeply affected you into a tool for romance and not as the serious thing that it is. And, if there are readers who have not experienced any type of abuse or mental illness, reading a romanticized version of those issues teaches those that don't know any different that love is a fix for every problem, and that those issues are not as serious as they actually are.

The unfortunate truth is that love is not the answer to every problem. Love alone cannot get rid of an eating disorder or erase the bruises a husband inflicts on his wife. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much you love someone; love does not erase abusive behaviour. It is a hard decision for a person to make, but the right thing for a person (and a character) to do in an abusive relationship is not to stay and let love fix everything, but for them to leave. Similarly, it is okay to lean on a partner for support during hard times, but it is not okay to depend on love to heal you. It is trust, understanding, empathy, faith, and moral support along with love that helps people heal from mental illness.

Of course, it's perfectly okay (and good in cases where appropriate) to bring up abuse and mental illnesses in a story. It can build trust between characters, bring these topics to light to make a point, or help build your characters and their relationships. However, there is a difference between talking about mental illnesses and abuse between characters and romanticizing it.

Here are examples of talking about abuse and romanticizing it:

    BAD: I would never forget the look on Logan's face when he saw me and the razor in my hand. It was almost like I had cut him, too, not just myself.
    Pain was etched onto Logan's face as he rushed over to me and crouched down to my eye level. He took my hands gently, handling my bloodstained fingers like they were porcelain.
    "What happened?" He asked, his voice broken. I could only shrug, my eyes darting guiltily to the razor I had dropped to the floor the moment he walked in. Some part of me acknowledged the blood that covered the razor, that covered me, had been spilled by my own hands, but I didn't care. Logan followed my gaze and immediately pulled me close, squeezing me so hard I was sure I would pass out. The sadness that had been weighing down on my shoulders with my secret, this plague in my head seemed to lift with his embrace. I sighed in relief, tears escaping form the corners of my eyes.
    "I'll never let anything like this happen to you again," Logan vowed. I believed him. I had him, and that was enough.

Obviously this is very exaggerated, but this trope of a boyfriend/crush comforting a girl who's cut herself is way too common and normalized. The appropriate response to finding out someone is cutting is to call a doctor and get them proper medical help. Situations like this are commonplace in fanfiction and falsely present love as an answer. Love is just a piece of the big picture- again, it is the support that comes from love, not the love itself, that helps a person struggling find their way back to health and happiness.

    GOOD: "Why not? Logan would be great for you! He's such a nice guy and he's obviously interested in you. Just give him a chance!" Jo nudged me, trying to convince me to say yes to Logan's proposal of dinner and a movie. I wanted to, but every time I thought about going out with another guy, I was reminded of what happened at the park with Tony.
    "Jo...' I sighed, looking my hands. "Look, I wasn't being totally honest with you about Tony. I didn't tell you the full story."
    Jo's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?" I took another breath.
    "Tony was abusive. Not just mentally."
    "Oh," Jo exhaled, her hand tensing on my shoulder.
    "I didn't realize it at first. He just... sort of lulled me in. He stole me away from everything, from you, until he was all I knew and I was too scared to leave. So when... he started..." I couldn't finish.
    Jo put her hand on my shoulder. "It's alright," she said. "I understand. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. And I know that it's been a while since Tony, but if you ever need to talk to me, or my mom or anyone else at the hospital where she works... well, we're all here for you."
    I smiled gratefully. "Thank you. I've had time to get over it since it happened, but I just don't think I'm ready yet."
    Jo nodded. "I understand. And Logan will, too."

    Basically, just don't romanticize it!!! And if you have the urge or want to include romanticization in your story, please keep it private on behalf of your readers who have had bad experiences with abuse and mental illnesses. Hopefully, this helped explain how to write a healthy portrayal of mental illnesses and abuse.

M o r e R e s o u r c e s:

Love is Respect
    loveisrespect.org
    Text loveis to 22522
    Call 1-866-331-9474

National Domestic Violence Hotline
    thehotline.org
    Call 1-800-799-7233

National Alliance on Mental Illness
    nami.org and [email protected]
    Call 1-800-950-NAMI
    Text NAMI to 741741

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
    1-800-273-8255

What are some examples of romanticization in modern media/literature, in your opinion?

P r o f i l e   S p o t l i g h t:

dangerouslove
The official Dangerous Love subcategory profile. Flirty liaisons with a shot of danger: brooding bad boys, sexy billionaires, exhilarating love triangles, menacing mafia bosses ... All charmed and dangerous.