Trigger warning, self harm.

As Alec walked through the portal carrying unconscious Izzy in his arm, his mind racing with how his mother gonna be so infuriated at their mission tonight.

Just as he expected, the moment he did step into the institute, her mother is already there talking to Jace and Clary. Simon had gone back to his home after the incident cause Maryse won't allowed him to enter this late.

She didn't say any word yet which frightened Alec's the most and she only pointed towards the infirmary which Alec obliged. As soon as he placed Isabelle on the bed, the staffs gathered to help her by putting on monitors on her and examined her.

Alec stepped out from the room accompanied by Jace and Clary which he forgot that Jace was injured tonight too.

"You should go back in there and have them check on you." Alec turned Jace around and pushed him towards the infirmary door but he pushed back and went around his brother.

"No, not until we deal with Maryse. Alec, it's not your fault." Jace said to Alec which he denies him. He felt the whole mess is his fault and if it wasn't for him, Izzy won't get injured by the demon tonight and if it wasn't for Magnus, neither of them would be alive by now.

"I can deal with her alone, you go ahead, Clary stay with him. I'll see you in the morning brother." He commanded which they knew exactly how exhausted Alec is right now.

"Just don't take anything she said by hard okay. You know how she is." Jace tried to reassure Alec in the situation which he fails miserably.

He knew well how bad Alec is going to get the scolding and he couldn't help Alec in this which means he will have to keep an eye on him later.

As Alec trudge towards the head of institute's office, he couldn't help but to run his mind with thousands of explanation to his mother. Neither of them would save him from the situation or gave his mother the slightest mercy upon him.

So he eventually gave up and as he stood by the door, he can feel his heart racing and his palm are all sweaty. He took few deep breaths trying to calm himself down. "Breathe Alec, just breathe." Isabelle's word plays through his mind and he obeyed as he raised his fist to knock on the door.

Knock, knock.

"Enter." Maryse's voice replied from behind the door and Alec took another breath before he entered.

"Close the door." Maryse instructed him and he did. He walked towards the table finding his mother tapping something into her phone while sitting behind the table with her legs crossed.

She always had her hair tied into a ponytail and her dressed always below knee high, suits for woman her kind.

"Wanna explained what happened tonight?" Maryse asked softly which Alec have a hard time to comprehend this.

"Uhm- we, ah" Alec stutters and Maryse smack her phone on the table which made Alec startled in fright. "How exactly are you gonna convinced me Alexander that one day you will be sitting behind this desk and be a leader of this institute?"

Alec couldn't face his mother in the eyes as she stood and walked around the table. She stand before him crossing her arm around her chest exhaling an exasperation sigh.

"I- uhm." Alec tries his best to at least say what he wanted to say, he had been practicing it inside his mind all night if this mission fucks up. But neither one of the word makes sense and he can see his mother had lost patience with him.

"You had not just fucks up the mission but you managed to get Izzy hurt, not too mentioned the vampire escaped and you let the mundane escaped, risking our life from being exposed by her!"

She goes on blabbing about what happened which none of it Alec hadn't know cause it wasn't what he planned tonight. He planned tonight he would have the easiest capture ever and if it goes well he would have couple of drinks with Magnus but it had to be this way and he still shaken up by his mother's aggression making him clutched on his palm even tighter.

"Speak up Alec! Why are you being like this?! After months of therapy and you still hasn't changed!" Maryse raised his voice which Alec jerked when he heard and stood a few feet behind to ease the tension in between them.

Maryse saw how Alec had shaken up about her raised voice earlier and she remembered how Robert hated when she does to Alec that way but sometime she couldn't help but to exploded and Alec always making her do so.

"Doesn't matter, Magnus already sent me the footage of the back camera. I don't have to waste my time asking you this nonsense anyway." She said as she walked back to the chair and sat herself down tapping her phone again.

"GO." She told Alec which Alec obeyed and he hurried to the door to escape but before he did, he took a last look towards his mother behind him. "I'm sorry." He mutters hoping she didn't exactly hears him but actually she did.

As he walked out from the room, he literally sprinted towards his room and locked himself in there.

Maryse heard Alec's soft voice before he ran out of her office and she couldn't help but picturing an eight year old Alec saying those words to her. She remembers well how Alec used to play around in this office and somehow knocks on the table and breaks things.

Maryse had a rough marriage with Robert and Alec being the eldest always gets the bashed by her. She couldn't help herself for feeling guilty at the way she's treating Alec.

She thought that character building is a must to shape a leader and Alec had to learn this the hard way otherwise he won't be a strong leader like she is.

"I'm sorry too." She whispered knowing no one is actually there to hear her and slowly she sighed and leaned her head into her palm trying not to break.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Alec entered his room, he immediately took of his jacket and ran towards his bathroom. He closed the door and locked them just in case Jace decides to barge into his room like he usually did.

He stood by the sink with a mirror right in front of him and he couldn't help feeling his chest growing tighter and his breaths were more rapid than earlier. Probably because he had run from his mother's office or probably his messed up mind had playing tricks with him all night.

"Breathe Alec, breathe." He tried to calm himself by doing so but he couldn't. His body shudders even more and he hunched in front of the sink feeling the gag coming.

He coughed out trying to ease the pain burning through his chest but it didn't help. So he leaned forward to the toilet bowl and tried his best to gag himself there.

Tears were pouring out as he did so and truthfully his stomach isn't really that fulfilling anyway. He barely eats nowadays and if he did, he would feel like he didn't deserves it. Not by the way his mother looking at him anyway.

He gulped his throat few times trying to swallow the pain he's feeling and at the moment, he felt an excruciating pain all over his body. He felt it on his head, his joints, his back and his stomach like he wished he could just split his body in half and be done with it.

Nothing comes out, nothing ease the pain so he thought of the only thing in his mind that could help him right now.

He took his small dagger from his thigh holster and stares at the weapon in his hand. Even though the knife is powerless and it didn't give him enough power to destroy him but he gave him clarity and serene whenever he hurt himself.

He looked up to the ceiling above him, tears flowing on his temple as he did so as he started to pray. "By the angels forgive me. Forgive my soul for an eternal damnation. If I die tonight, don't abandon me for my sin."

He looked back at the sword and raised his long sleeves up above his elbow. He ran the knife through his porcelain skin and feeling the depth cursing through his body.

The pain somehow lifted when he saw blood dripped from his wound and he do another.

Then another.

And another.

And another.

Until he felt numb and he couldn't hold the knife anymore, it fell by his side and his pain somehow lifted and slowly faded. His eyes are slowly drooping and his exhaustion finally takes over his body and his mind. The world suddenly felt quiet without the noises that scares him and it all turned to an awful silent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Magnus had just left the party in his club and he was hoping to see how Alec is right now. He knew how he had be shaken up by the event tonight and he knew that Maryse is not an easy woman to please.

He tried to call him before he decides to see him but somehow all he got was his voicemail and it has been hours since they left. Alec surely would let him know that he is safe and sound in his bed or at least sometimes he would just called and stay quiet on the other line which Magnus knew it was his cue to soothe him down from breaking.

Alec is not typical shadowhunter he had met over the course of his years of living. He always hidden behind the shadow of his adoptive brother and somehow behind those shadows Magnus sees him.

He is the most beautiful angel he had ever laid eyes on. His face, his eyes and his well built body is what Magnus had dreamt off since they met. When Alec confessed that he likes Magnus, he couldn't help but to kiss the boy and he blushed for like a week.

But being with Alec has it's challenges and he is not an easy person to communicate with. He remembers Jace told Magnus that if Alec is being quiet, is actually a dangerous thing to stay away from. Alec had multiple attempt of hurting himself and having panic attacks on regular basis.

It didn't help either when you have a parent that pushes you to the edge. Not having a parent to support you when you are at your lowest is hard, especially when you are just coming out to the world.

So when he couldn't reached Alec he didn't think twice but to portal himself to Alec's room. He did that on multiple occasion and especially when Alec couldn't come to him so he came to Alec.

When he entered the room, he couldn't help but feeling like the room has been emptied the whole night. He snapped his finger and the light appears making the room brighter.

"Alexander?" He called but no answer and he noticed Alec's black leather jacket was on the floor but he didn't knew exactly which jacket he had on tonight cause basically with Alec Lightwood, is all black.

He took the jacket from the ground and sniffed into it. The smells of burning ashes and Edom's fire confirms that it was the one Alec worn tonight cause of the demon he fought.

He tossed the jacket on the floor and saw the light were coming from the attached bathroom. He knocks on the door tapping it lightly not wanting to frightened Alec with his gesture.

"Alexander? Are you in there?" He called but stunt silence were his answer so he tried to twist the doorknob but it was locked.

He was surprised but not too surprised cause he knew Alec would do this. With a flicked of a wrist he unlocked the door with magic and it clicks. "Alexander if you're not decent better cover yourself, I'm coming in." He joked cause he knew how Alec would still shy around him even they had being more than intimate with each other before.

As he pushed the door open, his mind and his heart torn to see Alec lay on the floor on his side with a dagger by the side and blood filling up the floor next to him.

"ALEC!!!!" He screamed and went to his side cradling his head trying to feel for his pulse. He placed his two fingers just besides Alec's Adam's apple trying his best to listen and he sighed after he felt a very faint pulse under his skin.

He immediately magicked Alec's arm to closed the wound and slowly he could see the split skin form into a union line and left only a faints scar on top of it. Alec's pale skin were not porcelain white like he had turned into a ghost which indicate he had lost a lot of blood.

Magnus cradled Alec in his arm and carried him from the bathroom to his bed. He snapped his finger again and the blood was all gone, perks of being a warlock, he can cleaned up a crime scene with just a snapped of his finger.

He didn't want any of Alec's siblings barged in and found what he just did. He knew that he actually promised them to never do it again but sometimes, it gets him. Only Magnus knew that he still doing this cause usually he's the one who founds him like this.

"ALEC!" He heard a banged on his door and flicked his wrist letting Jace enter which he did hastily clutching his abdomen. His parabatai rune must be burning right now since Alec is almost dying.

"What happened?" He asked not surprised finding Magnus on Alec's side healing him. "Shh, you gonna wake up other with that loud stupid voice of yours" Magnus hushed him which he didn't find it amuse for his remark.

"It's not stupid, it woke me!" He replied trying his best to lower his voice. "Congratulations you are world class idiot." Magnus snide with another remark which made Jace even furious.

He didn't reply to him but went to Alec's side instead pushing passed Magnus. "Blondie if you want to get on my nerve better after I healed Alec." He said but Jace won't budge and continue to stroke Alec's forehead.

"He did it again didn't he?" He asked and Magnus didn't reply, only a sighed escaped from his lips.

"It's getting worst. I feared for him." He said which nothing that Magnus didn't knew and continue to ignore him instead. He's only focus on Alec's recovery and that is what they are trying to do right now. For Alec's sake, he would received a generous amount of scolding as soon as he wakes up.