Long ass a/n about my mental and emotional state the past year (as long as I'm writing this book for) skip if not interested.

So... I don't know where to start from...

Firstly I owe you all a huge apology and I completely understand it if you stop reading this book.

But I also want to explain myself further without just saying a simple sorry.

There is a reason behind everything and I think I'm ready to tell all of you the truth.

And I'm just tired of keeping all of this to myself for so long.

If you follow me or have read my author notes on T8M you would know that I've been struggling with my body and weight for most my life.
After getting into kpop becoming worse and worse.

In the school year of 2016-2017 I starved myself to the point where I barely ate a meal a day.
But I eventually stopped realising it's not the right thing to do.

I have tried a lot of diets but being the quiter I am I always failed.
The one that stuck with me was; always counting calories.
I started(April 2018) in an attempt to be healthier in a healthier way, but I became obsessive.
Having to count every single calorie of every single meal.
I have been feeling as if I'm trapped in my own head.
As if I'm locked inside a cell and the keys are just outside the door.
Close enough to see and know that I can reach them but too far away to believe in myself to do so.

At first I wanted control... But then all I wanted was freedom.
Freedom of eating without having to look at the calories.
Of eating without calculating how much I can eat before I surpass the "limit" of calories I can have in a day.
Of eating without having the fear of gaining weight or being judged.

My life was falling apart right in front of my eyes and I couldn't stop it.
It was terrifying.

I stopped for a little while. I was focusing more on eating healthy and not so much on counting calories.
I knew if I continued being this way that I would probably end up having an eating disorder.
So I searched up people's fights with eating disorders for motivation.
To see the positive side of being imperfect.
And to take notes on what to avoid when trying to lose weight.

But soon I started envying the people with the skinny legs and arms.
Their flat stomachs and prominent collarbones.
I started wanting to have a thigh gap too.
And thinking "Why don't I look this way?"
It felt horrible knowing I envy people with mental problems and eating disorders.
I was envying someone who was suffering.
And as I look back at it I really hate myself for thinking this way.

And soon I was taking notes on what to do. And looked up at them. Saw them as inspiration to become thinner.

I was losing around half or one kilogram every week and if I "worked hard enough" and didn't cheat I would lose even more.
I was weighing myself everyday and always trying to ignore my hungry stomach.

Seeing all these beautiful gymnasts in my team and in higher teams made me even more insecure of myself and I came to a point when I thought "I would rather have an eating disorder than be this way."

So, when I realised that I was going downhill and that I was probably going to end up having an eating disorder for real this time, I stopped.

I stopped ignoring my stomach, I stopped starving and I tried avoiding this type of videos.

I was doing well until August. Something clicked inside of me and told me that I needed to lose weight before gymnastics start at the end of September.

I started walking daily from 4 to 10 kilometres.
And I even threw up my food when I felt like I ate too much.
I would feel guilty if anything other than "the allowed foods" entered my mouth and I would walk more.
I was being even more obsessive.
It was my worst month but I thought it wa the best.
I was mixing starving myself with working out too much and also counting calories and weighing myself everyday.

Then in September I and my family went on our summer vacation.
I was very worried about gaining weight and eating too much.
But everyone told me to just let go and enjoy myself and that I could start being careful of what I eat once I was back home.

And that's what I did. I let go of most of my negative thoughts resulting to me eating way too much in an attempt to enjoy my food for as long as I can.
And I gained almost 4 kilograms in a week.

I felt more than horrible.
I felt disgusting.
I felt utterly disgusted and disappointed in myself.
But I tried losing weight in a healthier way.
Still counting calories but not weighing or starving myself.

But for a few days now I've been falling back into old habits.
Doing jumping rope around 500 times daily and only eating apples and yogurts as snack with a few exceptions.
Avoiding lunch and dinner as much as possible.
Avoiding sweets and my favourite juices and turning to no Sugar ice tea instead.

But what is the thing that makes me feel worse is the fact that when I feel like I've eaten too much, I find myself inside the bathroom gripping on my hair and pacing around thinking if I should throw up or not.
And the worst is that my only reason not to is because my family is around and not because it isn't right.

I also found out recently that people from a higher team in gymnastics were making fun of me when they saw me attempting some new things and working on stuff I couldn't do.
It made me want to quit my favourite after school activity and sport.

Looking in the mirror the only thing I can see is a fat girl staring back at me.
I girl I could never even imagine would ever be in a relationship.

A girl that is ugly.
So ugly that it makes me wanna throw up.
A girl I hate with all my heart.

Staring at clothes online or in shops I love them.
I love cute clothes.
I love looking pretty.
But I know that if I wear them they won't be cute nor pretty.
And it kills me only seeing Medium, Large and even Extra Large sizes in my closet.

And I had a huge breakdown about my appearance yesterday when everyone was sleeping and I was alone inside my room I took out my phone while laying in bed and took pictures of my stomach with and without sucking it in.
I took pictures of my hip bones and collarbones and compared them to the ones I see on models and idols.

I cried just thinking about it.

All I want is to lose weight and let go.
Let go of being so obsessive with everything that goes inside my mouth and my appearance.

I want to wear clothes Without having to cover my thighs with my long shirts.
Without feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin.
And without thinking that everyone that looks at me judges me.

And even though I'm saying that I'm trying to love myself, deep down I know that I'm not trying hard enough.
I'm trying harder to lose a large amount of weight than loving myself.

Sigh... that was a lot. 1330 words just for my weight and appearance. Without even saying all of it with much detail.

So I think you can just imagine how fucked up everything is right now and why I am not focusing so much on wattpad.

And I don't know if I'm doing right or wrong by sharing all of these very personal things that nobody knew about me until today.
But I felt like I needed to because it was getting too much.
And I didn't want anyone thinking that I was lying when I was saying a lot has been going on.

I'm not encouraging these actions and I'm begging you, please seek professional help if you're dealing with mental health issues and eating disorders.
I care about you and love you.❤

-Georgette-A
25/10/2018