*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ

I sit up against the tufted headboard, thinking.

Thinking about what I could have said or done differently. 

Had I told Jungkook a lot sooner that I wanted to give things another try, would he have still thought about leaving? 

Since Jungkook left Lake Momo, I couldn't stop my thoughts from obsessing over the possibility of ever seeing him again. 

Heartache, self-blame and most of all, that feeling of a loss so big it was almost eating up from the inside.

These emotions have overtaken me again for the first time, in a long time.

Like a crippling crux, my sadness consumes me everyday with a vengeance. 

I can't remember feeling this hollow since that day, two years ago and this second time around the pain is even worse. Because this time, I'm not just hurting for me. 

I'm hurting for the both of us.

I've been struggling not to go back to where I started, just a broken and abandoned girl.

No 

I was strong and independent. I needed to remember that!

In the two years since Jungkook left me, I'd spent every waking minute of it convincing myself that I didn't need a saviour. 

I could rely only on myself and be just fine. 

But in just a few weeks he managed to destroy all that. Having hope dangle right in front of my eyes and then get taken away again, just feels like far too much to bear.

I swing my legs carefully over the side of the bed, cradling my growing tummy. I reach for a box of tissues lying on the floor and wipe my nose off with it. Pressing both my frozen hands over blood-shot eyes, I sigh deeply. 

The conversation I overheard between Jungkook and Jimin has also left a huge gap in my reasoning.  I wanted so badly to be mad at Jungkook. But how could I if I was unable to make any sense of what they might've been talking about?

The events at Lake Momo left me feeling deeply saddened and confused. It didn't help that I couldn't seem to shake the eerie feeling of emptiness that haunted me after watching that mysterious black car speed off, from the lake. 

I begin to ponder on whether or not Jungkook was still in New York when suddenly, the phone rings.

I clear my throat, readying my best, corporate tone of voice.  I didn't bother looking at the caller ID before lifting the device to my ear and I should be at the office by now, not sleeping in.

But It's only Alyssa. 

I feel myself relax. She's called everyday, several times a day since we returned home from the trip.

"Hi Mel, how are you feeling today?" She chirps brightly over the line.

"I'm doing fine!" I croak into the receiver, trying and failing to brighten my tone a bit.

There it was. Another sinking feeling. 

This was so unfair to Alyssa, having to check up on and dote over me like a sick pet hamster when the roles here should have been reversed. 

Poor girl. She could have chosen anyone else but instead, she chose me to be her maid of honour. 

A decision which I knew was hugely, in part with me being Ji-Woo's best friend.

Which brings my thoughts to another role that I was failing to fulfil. 

Ji-Woo and I barely talked the entire trip to Lake Momo. Realising this made me feel even worse than I already did. 

Perhaps my feelings of resentment towards him ran much deeper than I thought? He did convince me to give into Jungkook's request to go to his concert. He did allow him to come on this trip and get close enough to mess with my head again. And Ji-Woo did keep the news that Jungkook was suddenly leaving the trip, a secret from me.

Why?

                                                              ***

Her hands are cold and so is the gel that she applies liberally to my stomach.

I flinch a little and the doctor offers me a polite smile.

"This is going to be a little cold and you'll feel a bit of pressure. That's completely normal." She assures me. 

"Okay," I reply bravely in a small voice.

"Is your partner here? He's welcome to come in if he's waiting outside..."

A heaviness weighs on my heart when I suddenly remember how I'd hoped that the next time I saw peanut, Jungkook would be here, by my side. 

"No. Um, its just me," I say stiffly and the doctor smiles at me weakly.

I gulp uncomfortably, turning my attention on the small screen to my right. A blurry salt-and-pepper image comes into view, completely snatching the breath from my body.

"So that's you.."

My injured heart makes a tiny leap!

It's a mixture of wonder and disbelief as I stare mesmerised at the tiny figure on the screen. The last time I was here, there was only a tiny speck of clustered cells visible. 

Her tummy like a little jelly bean and small, energetic limbs flailing about in space. A joyous giggle escapes me and I press my fingers shyly over my lips in embarrassment.

"She looks like she's about to do a somersault!" I squeak.

The doctor smiles again and for a moment, I wonder if her face must hurt? 

"The baby has a lot of room to move around for now," She says, while reaching for the chart with one hand and keeping the transducer on my belly with the other. "I see now that you're 13 weeks. You'll start to feel her little flutters and kicks soon."

"Really?" I ask, still in a daze and unable to tear my eyes away from the screen.

"You have a very energetic baby," The doctor laughs when peanut shows off to us again, giving another round-house kick to the amniotic fluid surrounding her. 

"She's strong and alert! Are you very athletic yourself, Melanie?'

"Ahh...no, not really.." I answer slowly, my memory shooting back to a vision of me, winded and doubled over with searing stomach pains which never failed to cut my morning runs short. 

Even pre-peanut, I was never that athletic. I do enough to keep myself fit. 

Yoga and sex is more my speed when it comes to physical activity. 

"Well," the Doctor chuckles, "She must get it from her father.."

"Yeah, maybe." I mutter.

                                                         ***

Finally getting home, I am on a mission.

I throw my bag onto the couch and begin rummaging through the bookcase and next, the shelf under the coffee table. I need to find the box that Jungkook brought to my office that day. 

"Now where did I put it?" I mumble. Paper magazines fly as I try to recollect its hiding place.

"Aha!" I find it and fling the lid off, taking the first photo from the top.

Where did you go?

I wonder, as an innocent-looking 17 year-old Jungkook stares back at me from the slightly worn image.

Flipping to the next one, I laugh reminded of the fact that I pushed him in the water right after taking this picture.

Tears swamp my face in no time. Regardless of how many times I let them flow, I never feel satisfied or lighter.

It's no use holding onto the past. Maybe this might help?

Tearing them all to pieces, more tears stream down my face. I chant in my head, that I can do it. 

I can do this on my own! 

"I don't need you!" I scream, feeling completely out of control and hopeless.

But the truth is, I don't want to do this on my own. I want him here. I want him to choose me. I want him, to want me!

Emotion wells up from the pit of my stomach as I erupt into loud sobs. My foolish heart betrays me yet again.

I hate that I still love you. 

                                                     *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ

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                                                     ✨BJF✨

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