~H~

In his arms, it feels as if nothing is unachievable. His bright light must be enough to evade this unholy place of any darkness, but my selfish salvation wants him just for myself. The darkness within me might shock a soul but to him it seems miniscule, as if he could rid me of it with a single touch, and I don't doubt for a moment that he could.

He is pure and selfless, while I am tainted and selfish. He is a beauty while I am a disgrace next to him. He is kind while I want to burn anyone who dares to harm him. He is a free bird while I am a prisoner to my own body.

-

The boy went stiff in his arms as soon he said those words. Maybe now Louis would understand and stay away from him. It would hurt to let go of that ball of light, but the boy mattered more than his own happiness.

Harry looked away, anywhere but at Louis' face. He believed he would end up tasting those thin lips if he stared at them a moment longer, and he didn't want to break his resolve. One should only admire such beauty, not taint it by touching it.

The boy belonged in a museum, maybe in a castle, somewhere no one could reach him, somewhere safe from all the malice in this world.

"Harry," Louis finally whispered, his voice strained but the man refused to look up. "Look at me. Please."

It was hard to resist that melodic voice when it was coaxing him to do something. It must be against nature's law to deny the boy anything as he felt pain upon not doing as the boy asked him to.

"Haz," Louis breathed in his ear, letting his lips hover above the shell, "Kiss me."

All breath was knocked out of him by just those two words. How could two simple words have this effect on him? Shocked, he looked up at the boy whose eyes were closed, lips parted slightly and awaiting, hands still holding his face delicately, as if he was a porcelain doll.

His own hands finally settled at the boy's waist, pressing lightly in assurance as he gave into his urges. He leaned in and closed the distance between their mouths.

What he felt was nothing words could ever bring justice to. He felt free, he felt reborn, he felt content, he felt excitement, he felt happy.

Louis' hands slipped into his hair and the boy whimpered into his mouth when he brushed their tongues together; cautious and excited of this something new.

He couldn't rush it, didn't want to, kept gliding their lips together, occasionally letting his tongue slide over Louis' lips and tasting his pink muscle.

They might have kissed for seconds, or maybe minutes, might even be hours. Who could tell? Lost in each other's presence, they wouldn't have noticed if the earth would have burned to ashes, reducing them to dust while being in an embrace.

The moment was tender and innocent, just like the boy on his lap - no malice tainting it.

The room was dark, lit only by the moonlight washing it.

For awhile, Harry had forgotten everything, forgot about his insecurities, about his past, about anything that didn't concern to the purity in his arms.

The feeling of being free had been something forlorn to him before this; he couldn't recall a moment where he felt so light. Maybe in his childhood there were some moments, but he had buried them in a deep grave years ago; the lid weighed down by guilt and sadness of his time after that.

But now... now he knew what it meant to feel whole again. He had found his missing piece.

He didn't open his eyes as their lips finally pulled apart, scared that this might be a dream and would fade away.

"Harry," Louis whispered, running a finger along his bottom lip, "You are never going to lose me. Even when the worst happens, I will be right beside you."

"You don't understand," Harry shook his head, finally looking at the boy.

"Then make me," His look was determined, rendering the man speechless with the intensity in his eyes, "I want to know what is troubling you, what is making you keep your distance."

Harry was quiet for a while, his throat dry as he contemplated whether to let the words out or not. He shook his head and broke their stare, looking down at his lap.

"We should go to sleep," he mumbled, hoping that Louis will drop the subject.

"Why won't you let me in?" Louis whispered, his voice broken, tugging at Harry's chest.

"You will detest me."

"That's for me to decide, not you. Stop pushing me away," the boy pleaded.

"I can't tell you," Harry spoke with finality.

A beat passed before Louis stood up from his lap to put some distance between them. "Then, I believe, there is no point in me being here."

Harry's head snapped up, legs stumbling as he stood up, "No! No, don't leave." He reached out and was relieved when Louis stepped into his arms, "I don't want you to leave. I just-- I will tell you-- but, I-"

"Breathe," Louis spoke softly, hand cupping his cheek and lips brushing for a second. When he had calmed down, Louis took his hand and walked to his bedroom.

Harry settled himself on the mattress, resting his back to the headboard as he watched Louis glide through the room, opening drapes and windows, cool air floating in along with the white gleam of moon.

Louis sat with a little space between them, holding his hand and squeezing it reassuringly. They didn't speak, and Harry believed Louis was giving him some time to gather his thoughts.

"I had a rough childhood," he began, trying not to let his voice strain, didn't want to seem vulnerable, "In school, I was the weird lanky kid. I was picked on more often than not. The only people who didn't mock me were my family, I tolerated everything because I knew that at the end of the day, I would go back home to the people I love. Things never changed at school, I had been hopeful but I was wrong."

He stopped as memories started to clog up. The mattress dipped as Louis shifted closer, reaching a hand up to caress his frown. Harry followed as Louis guided him to lay down, his head resting on the boy's chest. He focused on the steady beat of Louis' heart, calming his anxiety.

"I got into a brawl with some burly kid, should have had a better judgement. He knocked me unconscious. The principal was disappointed, gave both of us suspension letters and told us to bring our parents. My parents didn't scold me but did warn me to never repeat any such thing. The n-next day, while returning, we had an accident, a-and I-- they were in the front," his voice broke as he recalled the incident, "I watched it all, horrified, as they bled to their death in front of my eyes."

There were tears in his eyes, for years he hadn't let those memories resurface. Louis' arms tightened around him, lips lightly pressing to his forehead.

"My grandfather became my legal guardian and I moved to America with him. It was difficult for me to deal with my parents' death, so I shut him out. He tried all he could to make me open up to him, but I just couldn't stand another person. I used stay locked up in my room, refusing to come out and he had to force me to eat. He was always kind to me while I channelled all my sadness into anger, but he never once scolded me."

"It went on for about two months, until I realised he was the only family I had left. I started making amends by joining him for meals instead of staying in my room. He appreciated that. A lot," Harry recalled with a sad smile on his lips, "It was over summer break when we had new neighbours. A couple and their son. The husband and wife were mostly at work, coming back late and leaving early. I bonded with their son, Ethan , he was two years older than me. Everything about him was captivating and drew me in. Before I knew it, I was spending my every waking moment with him. My grandfather didn't complain, was happy to see me not brooding."

"Ethan was different than all the boys, he didn't make fun of me, he liked my hair as they were, didn't mock me of my speech, didn't shout at me when I sat too close. When his parents would be out of town, I would sleep over at his place. Sometimes we would talk for hours, other nights we used to lie down next to each other in silence. It was when he had an argument with his father that he came over to my place, pacing in my room and venting his frustration, I hated to see him distressed and placed my lips against his. I thought he would beat me up when I realised what I had done, but he just kept kissing me. He was the first source of happiness in my life after a long time. What we had was tender. He understood me, was always there for me. He made me forget my insecurities. Kissed me like it was all he ever wanted to do."

"But I was a fool to believe that I could be so happy," he scoffed at himself, life always turned worse for him, "Fate was cruel with me, had always been. Ethan started to get ill, falling sicker with each day. He told me to stay away, didn't want me to watch him die. Doctors couldn't save him, had given up any hope. I remember him asking his parents to let us talk alone for awhile when his health was really poor. He told me many things, went on about being grateful to meet me, but what I remember clearly was him saying how much he loved him. I didn't even get a chance to say those words back before he died right there in my arms with a smile at his lips."

"It broke me beyond repair, losing him was something that still haunts me. He gave me an year of happiness and then left me deprived of it," he was shaking by this point, couldn't even bring himself to look into Louis' eyes while he bared himself to the boy. "I--I couldn't stand losing him, desperately wanted to suppress that feeling. I started going to underground clubs, illegally drinking until I was out of my wits, until I couldn't tell the difference between the next person. Everything blurred after that. It was two years of meaningless sex with anyone; man, woman, younger, older. I didn't care as long as they were consenting. Sex and alcohol became my escape from the world. It was miserable but it was all I could do to not remember him, not remember how he left me and didn't even let me tell him how much I loved him."

Harry paused to collect himself, taking a deep breath. He could feel a pounding headache rising at his temples. It was pure torture to speak about his past.

"Somehow, my grandfather got me into an elite university. He never reprimanded me, but the look in his eyes made me feel ashamed of myself. There were people who went through worse, I at least had social privileges. I vowed to do better. I was able to stop sleeping around but alcohol was something I couldn't quit. Eliott became my mentor in the university, he guided me on the right path, shaped me into a better person and not just academically. He knew about my drinking habits, made it his mission to give me enough assignments so that I couldn't pull my head out of the books. He made me realise my potential and I will always be grateful of him. After my grandfather died, I made a natural decision to move here. God knows what I would have done if I had been there alone."

Silence blanketed them, making them drown into their own thoughts.

His heart was racing. He thought about his parents often, but Ethan. Ethan. He hadn't let himself think about his first love, not once in all those years. His dark skin, warm eyes, bright smile, everything that used to make Harry blush a deep red.

What he realised was that, over the years he had got over Ethan. Sure, he still felt an ache for him, but his feelings for Louis were far greater. Ethan left him broken, but Louis...

He glanced up at the boy to see him lost in his own thoughts. Leaning on his elbow, he cupped Louis' cheek and kissed under his eye where a tell-tale sign of tear was forming. Louis looked at him with sad eyes, and Harry hated that, loathed himself for ever making the boy feel sorrow. His own vision blurred as finally tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Losing everyone I loved left me hurt and broken, but Lou... if anything ever happens to you, God help me, I will kill myself."

~

I don't know what to say, people. Writing this chapter was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. Poor Harry. Now you guys know why Harry is always insecure. Poor baby was bullied and then went through hell when he lost his parents, and then Ethan, and later his grandfather.

I guess the next chapter will also be a little blue and gloomy.

But I promise that things will soon look better.

Tell me what you think about the chapter. Did you like Ethan from the short description? What do you think is going through Louis' head? About what Harry said at the end?

Please vote and comment if you liked this chapter. :)