It's silent for a moment. Then we all speak at once.

"How's-"

Silence.

"What are you-"

Silence.

"Should we-"

Finally, we're forced out of the way by a grandma who pushes through us so hard, I nearly topple over. Damn, I wonder what her gym routine is.

"Why don't we step aside so we don't block the entrance?" Jaden says.

We form an awkward blob inside of the store as I try to make sense of everything that's happening.

"It's good to see you guys," Jaden says, pleasant as ever. "How have you been?"

"We've been good," Zack replies and I resist the urge to snort. "What are you doing in Michigan?"

"Jaden's parents live here now," Lola says. Her glossy lips press together as she pauses. When she adds, "We've been staying with them since I found out I was pregnant," it's made clear to me that she's noticed my staring at her stomach.

I force my eyes away. "Congratulations," I say. "I'm so glad you guys are still going strong."

"Oh, we're not... together," Jaden says. "It was, uh, a... kinda..."

"A one-time thing," Lola says.

Oh... cool.

"Oh," Zack says. "Cool."

Lola flashes a pearly white smile. "Yeah, funny the way life goes, huh?" she says. "I'm glad to see you guys are together, though."

"Oh, we're not either," I start. "We're just..."

My words pause as my mind suddenly goes blank.

"Friends?" Zack supplies amusedly.

"Friends," I confirm.

Her and Jaden share a knowing look that transports me back to high school when those two were always in their own world.

I guess some things never change.

"Well, we just finished up here but it was great seeing you guys," Lola says. "Are you in town tomorrow? We should grab dinner and catch up!"

My voice gets caught in my throat. It's like another version of me stepping out of my body that says, "Yeah, we would love that."

I can practically feel the burning glare Zack is giving but it's too late. Lola is already putting her number in my phone and gushing about this amazing Peruvian restaurant we just have to try.

After some more small talk and goodbyes, they leave. Zack and I stand in line for a few more minutes but end up skipping the ice cream. I head straight for the bed, not even bothering to change into my pajamas.

"Seriously?" Zack says, tossing off his jacket. "After all you've gotten us into, you think you deserve this bed?" He starts to mutter. "I can't believe we're having dinner with them tomorrow. Lola's always been too nosy."

I duck under the covers. "She's friendly."

"Fuck friendly," he scoffs. "I much prefer someone despicable and irritating like you."

"Ha ha," I say, tossing the first pillow I can grab. "Just deal with it," I say, rolling myself up in the blankets like a sushi roll. "She's pregnant. I'm not going to say no to a pregnant girl."

He hugs the pillow to his chest like a prize then raises his eyebrow at me. "It's not your fault they didn't use protection."

I give him a pointed look. "I'm happy for them. And you should be too."

He eyes me suspiciously. "Are you jealous?" he asks. I turn over to look at him and he adds, "You told me before that it was your dream to be a good mom."

"It is," I say. My voice lowers slightly. "It was... Not right now, though. Now I have this internship and some inkling of the career I want. I think one day when I've figured all this shit out and am stable, then that dream will reassert itself."

It hits me then. A vision of myself in 20 years, married to some faceless guy, walking through some park. I look to the side and he's there. Married to his beautiful wife with his beautiful kids.

If in 20 years, I see you married or with someone else, I don't know if I'll ever be okay with that.

A searing pain cuts through my chest. I turn onto my side, curling up as Zack walks to the other side and looks down at me.

"You okay?"

I nod, throat tightening as he resumes unbuttoning his shirt.

"What are you doing?" I say.

He raises an eyebrow. "This is handmade Italian silk, Amelia. You think I'm gonna sleep in it?"

Handmade Italian silk, my ass-

"You didn't bring pajamas or something?" I say.

He pauses, studies my face, then smirks. "It never bothered you before."

I roll my eyes, grabbing the other pillow to hug it to my stomach. Is pregnancy contagious because it feels like there's something in my stomach?

He walks to the side of the bed and looks down at me. After letting out a sigh, he grabs his hoodie, rolls it up into a makeshift pillow, and lies down on the floor.

Great, now I'm an asshole.

"Zack?"

"Hm?"

"Come to bed, would you?"

"But the floor is so nice and moldy."

I let out a large sigh. "Zack, would you please come lie down?"

I can practically hear the smile in his voice as he says, "I knew you couldn't resist."

Biting my lip to stop from retaliating, I turn on my back so my back is facing him. It feels like there's seven miles between us instead of seven inches.

The last time we slept together was Mia's birthday party in a tent and by the morning, he was gone. That's the thing about sleeping with other people. You never know whether they're going to stay or leave by the morning.

"What are you thinking about?" Zack asks. I thought he was asleep but his voice is perfectly clear.

I blink slowly. "How weird we are."

"In what way?"

I search for a lie. It sits on my tongue, ready to come out, but I stop it.

When has lying to him ever done any good?

I take a breath, collecting myself. "A year ago, lying next to you was the place I felt the safest," I say, biting my lip. "Now, I don't even know how to act."

I hear the sheets move as he turns. When he speaks, his voice is quiet. "Would you look me in the eyes and say it?"

I stare at the wall, focusing on a sailboat in a painting. My chest rises as I take a breath. Pressing my lips together, I turn onto my other side.

It physically hurts to look at him like this. His hair is messy and hangs in those eyes that stare at me like they're reading me. And yet, I still can't look away.

The words slip out like water. "What happened to us?" I whisper.

The answer crashes down on me before he can even answer. I fucked us up is what happened to us.

"I brought shitty people into your life and now we're both paying for it," he says, looking down.

My brows crease. That was not the answer I was expecting.

"None of that was your fault," I say.

"If I had been more careful about the people around me," he starts. "Or if I had been good enough that you could've come to me without worrying-"

"Stop," I say, shaking my head. "I don't blame you for any of it. So don't blame yourself."

He stares at me and I can still sense the guilt seeping in him. I want to brush it away.

"Have you been okay?" he says.

Honesty, Amelia.

"I have been," I say. "It's a little scary sometimes just because I know things could have gone worse if I wasn't..."

Lucky? Is that the right word to use? It doesn't feel like it.

"I'm so sorry, Amelia," he says.

"He's gone now," I say. "He's gone and I'm still here."

I'm still here and even if everything's a mess, I'm going on. I have an internship, friends, no family drama. I'm still here.

He stares at me. "If life was a person, I would beat the shit out of it for what it's done to you."

His tone is serious. Meticulous even. As if he's planning out every way he could possibly kick life in the ass.

"I wouldn't," I reply. "I used to want to. I used to think about all of the crappy things I've gone through and wonder why me? But then I realized there's so much more to be grateful for. Everything that's happened..." I swallow. "It all led me here."

Mustering up my courage, I let my eyes drift to his. They're somber and focused. Listening.

"You know, being with you," I start softly. "That was the first time I ever really wanted something. Even if it meant going against my parents." I breathe in. "When you told me you were moving to Louisiana in high school... I was so confused because I thought I wanted UPenn and my parents' approval more than anything. I knew logically that I was supposed to put myself first and go on without you but when you left-" My voice cuts off and when I speak again, it's frail. "It felt like my other half was leaving. And I knew I just couldn't be away from you. That I had to make it work even if that meant being selfish and letting you give up LSU if it meant being together."

His brows crease and I can see him starting to protest but I continue because I've never been able to tell him this before. When he was the most stable person I knew, I couldn't muster the courage, but now, in the dark where I can't even be certain he's still listening, it's all coming out.

"Even though we aren't together anymore," I say slowly, "I would make that same decision a million times."

"Are you glad that we broke up?" he asks. I can tell he's trying to keep his tone nonchalant.

"No," I say, trying to make my voice clear. "But I think it was necessary." I look down. "I was so afraid to need you. I break all the time and I didn't know if I could pick myself back up without you there. I had to know that I could." I shake my head. "But it hurt more than anything else I've ever done."

He tilts his head slightly. "So what do you wanna do about it?" he asks softly. Urging me.

I pause. "I know what I don't wanna do," I say. He raises an eyebrow and I match our gazes. "I know what I don't want to do, though." My gaze sets. Confident in spite of the fear churning in my stomach. "I don't want to do this thing where I pretend I want to move on from you."

There's a long pause and all I can think about is how I must have messed things up. I went too far. I'm contemplating moving to the floor when he whispers, "I should have never left you."

I feel my head bow and my breath catch. Which time he's referring to, I don't know. It feels like I'm going to start crying so I tuck my face into the sheets and focus on my breathing. Anger starts to creep in as my breathing slows. I lied here, baring my soul to him and that's all he's going to say?

I turn around ready to lash out or cry or I don't know but I can tell by his breathing that he's fallen asleep. All the tiredness hits me at once so I curl into a ball and let my eyelids droop.

I'm barely conscious as I let out, "Me neither."

A/N: hey y'all it's finals week & it's rough out here. good luck to all of u taking exams and good job to those of u who finished :) remember that ur grades don't define u and that rest & mental health is always more important (obviously this is much easier said than done but I truly mean it). love y'all so much and ty for reading <3