A Demon’s Wife

Getting Through To His Heart (Part 13)

It has been days, and still I do not see you. These days, I begin to wonder if I will ever see you again. Even if you come down from the room, will you really be you?I get the idea that maybe you have really lost a part of yourself, but does Daniel really hold that big a piece of your heart? Do I really have no more space there?

I don’t blame you for grieving, not one bit. I loved Daniel so much too. You don’t know the things Daniel did for me when you weren’t around. He was the perfect brother-in-law, and I am so greatly saddened to send him off. But what disappoints me, and makes me so sad right now, darling, is actually you.

Our children walk down the steps, a look of sadness in their eyes when they see me alone in the kitchen. They somehow know immediately that you haven’t been sleeping with me in the same room. They are your children –what else do I expect?

I put the breakfast on the table in front of them, but they frown down at it. They are not picky eaters –do you know that, Damon? Do you honestly know the small details of our children that you might yet have to learn? I have so much to tell you about them, my dear, but these days, you don’t even reply me. How can I tell you about the children you haven’t seen for ten years when you don’t even look at me anymore?

“Mummy,” Damien says with a frown when I turn my back on them to wash the pan, “Daddy didn’t react again?”

I turn back around to smile at him, but they are your children. They know immediately what is wrong with me –like how you used to do. How sad is it that we are in this situation now? You used to know immediately whenever I turn up in front of you with just even a small frown. These days, you don’t even think about me, do you? Your thoughts are filled with Daniel and no matter how I try, I cannot occupy even the slightest bit of sense in your mind.

I tell our son that you will bounce back right around in no time. Is that a lie? Are you going to make me a liar, dear? Because as a demonness I used to lie, and I’m used to lying. I haven’t lied to our children so far, but if you’re going to start making me a liar… I will have to take it all in silently. You are my love, my husband, and I will support you no matter what you do.

Wynter seems to know the pain that we are all going through, because her words are spoken only through her eyes. She only smile encouragingly back at me, the aquamarine eyes she inherited from you glinting with a little moisture. She’s crying again, but Daniel’s death is so long past us. She isn’t crying for him, but you.

But you have never reacted to us, so I guess you don’t know that.

Dante arrives and takes the both of them to school, leaving Marcy and Lady with me, taking care of the house. We share small talk, but times between us are never like it used to be anymore. Just the thought of Daniel’s past here makes us sad. Every little trinket lying around at home reminds us that he used to be here, and isn’t going to be here anymore.

“That’s it.” Your sister tells me, throwing the rag down on the tabletop that she’d been cleaning. She had been holding back those words, but she has too much of your anger to hold it in for too long. “I’m going up to talk some sense in him. I’ve lost one brother; I can’t lose another just like that!”

I am at the stairs immediately, blocking her path up towards Daniel’s room, towards you. Am I doing the right thing by leaving you be? Will you stay away forever and forget us? I want to get through to you, but it’s getting harder and harder now. Marcy protests, but I tell her to let it go, to give you some more time. I reason to him that Daniel meant a big part of you, but we must be honest. Daniel was an equally big part of all of us. You cannot hope to grieve any longer. Daniel wouldn’t want that.

Sure, he would gloat that you are grieving over him, but you must know your brother well too. Daniel, somewhere up there, watching over us, might be cursing you any moment now, telling you to stop exactly what you are doing and pick yourself up. I want to say all these things to you, to remind you that you still have a family, but can I get through?

Our telephone line is broken, and all I hear is crackling noises of your crumbling heart.

Marcy finally gives up, but it is my turn to go up the steps. You must listen to me, Damon. We all hurt; you more than anyone else. But we must let go at one point of time, and it’s going to be too late when you finally do if you keep like this for any longer. I knock on your door, but like always, there is no reply. How many times have I knocked on this wooden door, wishing and praying for you to answer me in any way? Even if you cry out, even if you sob, even if you shed your tears hysterically, I am still here, Damon. Do you understand that? I am married to you for life, and I will stick with you through thick and thin. I will be the shoulder you cry on.

But our telephone line is still broken. You don’t hear the promises we made. We never had a wedding, we never had our vows made. But don’t you know you don’t have to make vows at the altar? Don’t you know that the vows we have made are all in our hearts?

I call to you, I plead for a reply through the door, but I feel like you don’t even care anymore. Is there even the slightest inch in your heart that I can still dictate, Damon? Have I truly lost all of you when I lost Daniel? When I reflect on us in this state, it kills me inside. You twins were close, but I need to understand that I didn’t lose my husband as well. Please, Damon, tell me you are alright.

But you don’t. I open the door, and there you still sit, unmoving from the seat. Does your back not hurt sitting like that for hours on end, staring out at the window? I don’t know when you took Daniel’s favorite coat out of the wardrobe, but you have never let it go. I don’t know when you found his gloves, but you have never let it go once. Do you truly desire to become like your brother, or do you just want to feel him close? You don’t have to try so hard, Damon. Daniel is with us, all around us. His heart and soul has always been with us; you don’t have to try so hard to keep him with you.

I put my hands on your shoulders, but you show no inkling of a reaction. It is like I have never touched you. How I wished that with this physical contact, our telephone line would be fixed. How I wished that I could be connected straight to your heart. Even if all your heart cried for now was Daniel, I wished I could hear it loud and clear. Right now, all transmission I am getting is static.

Your eyes tell of your inner turmoil and conflict. Your sadness and your grief, every bit of it; I can see it clearly in front of me. No one can read you better than me, my dear. And right now, all I can read in your eyes is Daniel. I don’t blame you, but can you think about the children? Can you think about the family you still have left? Can you think about me?

Every day that you stay unmoving from this coffin, every day I die a little more inside. Right now, I am at my last lap. If this lasts any longer, I will just lose the will to live another day to see you in such a state. My emotional strength will drain away, Damon, and what would become of us as parents? We would be a pair of pathetic adults, and Wynter and Damien would be akin to orphans. I don’t want that to ever happen, but if this continues, I don’t know how much longer I can take.

I try to get through to you by words, but you don’t seem to hear me at all. Do you truly want your children to lose a father? Do you truly want me to lose a husband?

Do you not want me anymore?

The heavy feelings strike me down in that one question not because I even considered the question. No, the heavy feelings crush me because I don’t know the answer to that question. A few months ago, it would have been a definite ‘no’. Now, I think it means a yes. I think your mind is filled with the word ‘yes’, your heart not even bothering about the woman standing at your side.

I cannot get through to you, Damon, if you don’t open up your end of the connection! I’ve been trying to connect and reconnect with you, but nothing is clicking. Nothing works. I don’t get anything more than static.

I break down and fall to my knees beside you, pressing my forehead against your side. Will you honestly tell me what you are feeling inside? I pour all my feelings out to you, Damon, but the saddest part of it all is that I’m not even sure if you’re listening. Have I been trying to make connection to an empty soul? Is this a shell of a Damon I used to love? Will the connection between us ever be fixed?

My tears fall, but do you even know that? You’ve made me cry again, Damon. Do you know that? I can’t stand this much more, my dear. If you don’t give me a reply soon, I will lose my mind. I will lose myself. I will not desire to see tomorrow again. I’ve been surviving on promises of a brighter future, but if the future doesn’t have you inside them, it isn’t bright anymore. Even with our children by us, it isn’t bright enough. I need you.

Can you please understand that your wife needs you so much right now?

Click. A connection we finally make.

Your hand touches my head and my hair –the first voluntary action I have from you in a long, long while. Have I really gotten through to you, Damon? Is this really you?

You don’t speak to me at all, but you stroke my head over and over again, and I feel every single emotion you feel inside. I understand everything that you feel, but try as I might, I can’t send my own feelings back. You tell me, through your physical touch, that you feel like a failure of a man. You surely aren’t, my dear Damon.

You can never fail unless you give up your love. You can never fail unless you give everything up. You haven’t failed, and you won’t. I promise you, Damon, you will never fail. Because, even if everyone sees you as a failure of a man, you are still the success of my life. You are still the man who have conquered me, and no matter how badly you fail at some things, you must know that you are the sole winner of my heart.

I know you are thinking of me. I know you are appreciating how strong I am against the situations that have been occurring. But do you also know that I am only this strong when you touch me? When you react to me, Damon, I can be strong. Apart, I am weak like a loose leaf –blown around like the wind. With you, you make me strong.

You must make connections with me more, Damon. You recharge me. You give me enough strength to hold on and smile and promise everyone that you will come around. Our broken telephone line is far from perfect, but after what you have done now, Damon, at least I know that there is still a single thread; a single fiber of connection.

I will fight for one more day, another day for this fiber of connection. I will continue to hold strong, because if you react to me, I know you are listening. I know you are trying desperately to connect to me too. One day, Damon, our hearts will connect again.

It was hard work making connection, but can you promise me at the very least?

Can you at least promise me that one day, I will get straight through into your heart?

I kiss your cheek and pray for that day.

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A Wife’s Fear (Part 18)

You take to the sky with Mundus, and you take my heart along with you. I wish with all my being that I can be beside you on your journey, but I recognize that this is something you have to take on alone. I can only hang back and wait for you to tell me that things are alright, my dear.

For now, I can only do what I used to do best –killing demons. They close in on me, but it is obvious that Mundus summoned them only to keep me occupied. They are not hard to deal with, but the sheer numbers of them make me take some time. But Mundus has planned his forces perfectly, because while he throws the demons at me, he knows he wants to keep me watching out for your fight with him in the sky.

You fight with him so fiercely, your wings so magnificent. When have you learnt to devil trigger, and when did your devil trigger become so much more beautiful than I ever thought it was? You and Mundus engage in fighting so fast that even I find it hard to track. You are blurs in the sky, and I see exactly how powerful you are at this moment, Damon. You are beautiful in the sky, but if even if you lose that beauty, know that you still are my husband.

I am still here no matter what. Our children would still have your heart no matter what.

Vergil and Dante are off the side, fighting of their father, but I cannot get to them. I fear I might be a liability to their fight, which rages on with ferocity. How is it that in this battlefield, I am having it the easiest? I’m so afraid that something bad might happen to any one of you guys.

You and Mundus begin to slow down after what seemed like almost too long, and I am almost through the waves of demons making towards me. Mundus must be tired out by you, because he forgets to summon up another wave of demons on me. You strike Lucifer down, and my heart leaps, but it doesn’t burst with extreme joy because in the next moment, lightning strikes the spot you were just once at. As I blink away the temporarily blindness, my fear is allayed as I see you swing Lucifer, coated in your demonic fire, towards Mundus’s surprised form.

He dodges your strike, but he growls, obviously unhappy. I was his servant once, Damon, and I know when he is going to summon his swords raining on you. I shoot another demon close me dead, and pray with all my being that you can dodge it all. Please be safe and come home, my dear. Don’t forget your promise with Damien. Don’t forget the happy family you want to build with Wynter. Don’t let me down again, Damon.

I trust you.

You dodge, disappearing and appearing in different pockets of the sky with speed and grace that for a moment, I wonder why I even have to worry about you at all. The next moment, a cry is wrenched from my throat when I see you flinch, a sword cutting too close. Your scar-less cheek has received a graze, but the fire burns bright in your eyes at the pain. I pray you don’t hurt too much, but you, after all, used to be a demon hunter. You used to take worse when you were weaker, didn’t you? I still remember the state that you –as Vergil –was when you first fought Leviathan and Mammon. You are so much stronger than I first met you, Damon.

But our enemy now is so much stronger too.

As your wife, I feel so helpless being down here on the surface while you battle with Mundus alone. At this moment, you don’t know how I hope I could grow wings or obtain a devil trigger so that I can fly right to your side. I might not be much of a help, but if I get the chance, I would do anything to help you –even for just a tiny bit.

You force Mundus back with a sharp upward slice with Lucifer, and I admire your speed and fluidity. When did you learn such amazing skills? Was this what you practiced while you stayed away from us, while Damien and Wynter didn’t want you around? Were you spending your time preparing for Mundus? Have I missed the sight of you fighting for so long that I have forgotten exactly how gallant you look when you dislodge a few of Mundus’s white feather?

I hear Mundus’s growl above me, Damon, and the fear builds up, coating my tongue. Don’t fight him like this, Damon. Come back to ground level, where I can help you –even with my measly demon power. You can’t hope to level with Mundus’s power without help. Damon, please…

Still, you try, as the fearful tears spring forward in my eyes. Is this going to be your death? Is this going to be the last effort you will make? Am I really so helpless that I cannot do anything to help you at all?

I cry out, not because I know you are going to lose, but because I know you are going to try with everything you’ve got. It’s too early, Damon. Don’t do this. Don’t give in everything yet. You still have me! Have you forgotten that I can help you, no matter how insignificant my help is? You shouldn’t do this alone! We’ve sacrificed Daniel once, we won’t sacrifice you, Damon. Stop putting yourself on the line.

I know you promised our children that you would end it.

But you also promised me that we would do it together long ago, do you remember? You promised that we would do it as a family, and still you want to take it on alone? Remember what happened with Vergil and our children. You must know that alone you are not strong enough! Even if we are all weaker than you, Damon, you need your family.

The demons around me stop attacking, raising their heads in anticipation of the results of the fight looming above, as was I. Even Dante and Vergil have stopped their fight with Sparda, as Dante shouts his caution to you. Even he knows we have to fight as family, Damon. Listen to us!

The fear gets more real when I feel Mundus’s power getting stronger faster. You are fast, but Mundus is faster than you are. Back out, Damon. Let the hit miss. Dodge it; anything.

Don’t forget you promised our children to return home. I don’t want to send you back in pieces.

I don’t want to watch another coffin lowered into the ground again, please.

A demon jumped into the air, flapping strong wings. Vergil screamed as my heart jumped into my mouth. The fear suddenly became extremely real, and I am dizzy with it as I watch it all happen in shutters.

The demon stabs through your heart, and Mundus laughs at your shocked expression. You don’t have a moment more before the power slams into you, and you jerk away from the sky like a ragdoll, falling down like a comet.

I scream the loudest, the worst scream I have ever made as the fear burst forth. It couldn’t be…

You couldn’t be…

You land in a crater and cloud of dust as I go on berserk mode, killing all the demons in sight I could see. They don’t stand a chance against me as the fearful tears stream down my eyes. Damon, how can you be so stupid! You wanted to do it as a family! Even if it wasn’t with us, at least with Dante and Vergil! They would watch your back!

I keep angry thoughts on you in my mind, because if not, I would start imagining the worst case scenario of what had happened to you while I neared the crater. You are not moving, but your eyes are open. My heart drops like a rollercoaster, but in the next moment, it flutters again when I don’t see the dullness in your aquamarine eyes.

I reach your side and cry your name endlessly, asking you how you are, but your eyes only look at me tiredly. The lethargy is written on your face, darling, and the fear coats my tongue as my tears drip on your bloody face. Are you giving up, Damon? I know that blow from Mundus was hard, but you have to keep fighting!

Your eyes are still bright, but you look at me like you don’t understand. Your expression looks stricken, like you don’t comprehend what is happening to you, and I am so afraid that maybe Mundus’s power did more than just blast into you. Did it take your memories away? Are you still Damon?

I pull the sword from your chest, but your lips don’t make a sound. I keep calling you, getting more fearful by each lack of reply, but you don’t reply. Are you lost in your sea again? This is a bad time to lose yourself, Damon! You’ve only recently found yourself; your children have only recently forgiven you. You can’t lose yourself again like this!

You wipe the tears from my eyes, and rub them between your fingers, your eyes focusing on them for a moment. I cannot even begin to guess what you must be thinking, but all I could imagine in the moment was how you could have lost your memories. Do you even remember me? Have you hit your head too hard on impact that you lost yourself?

Can you hear me through our telephone line, Damon?

You take my hand and you squeeze it tight, and the love comes channeling in. I don’t know what is wrong with you at the moment, but my heart leaps once again when I feel your love. You remember me. You know what’s going on.

You force yourself to sit up, then you slowly climb to your feet. I don’t know how you do it, and again I am endlessly amazed at your ability to bounce back. You are my Damon Kries, and you always surprise me. I hold you tightly, glad that our heart connection has not faltered even after you take a blow from the Demon King.

Mundus lands before us, and he laughs at us –the perfect villain. But if there is a villain, then there must be a hero. And my hero is you, Damon Kries, as you stand beside me, holding on tightly to my hand like you will never let go. You are not doing this alone ever again, Damon. I promise you that.

He clicks his fingers, and Kalina appears through the portal with our children. I stumble back, another new fear in my heart. They were all unconscious; Lady, Marcy, Wynter and Damien. We had anticipated that such things would happen, but how could they be taken so easily? You gasp along with me, and I feel something break inside you.

You scream, and all I can do is jump forwards, hoping to protect the kids from what harm that may come to them. Pray the Lords and everyone above. Pray to Daniel that he would watch over the two angels of my life.

I watch with exploded fear as Kalina swung down her sword, intent so clear in her eyes towards Damon. I squeeze my eyes shut, and the disgusting sound of flesh and blood rings in my ears. It’s over…

Mundus talks calmly, and I track his conversation with Kalina with surprise and fear. How is it that Kalina has changed? What has happened?

You stand there, as shocked as I am, as you stare at the betraying demon. I had betrayed Mundus in the same fashion before; I knew what it felt like to stand up against that son of a bitch. I knew enough the consequences, as Kalina sailed through the air, having been blasted by Mundus’s power.

Once again, Mundus rains his attacks on you, but you still hold up against him so well, my dear. I don’t know how you do it, but you continue doing it endlessly while the helpless tears comes to my eyes.

“Come, get out of their fighting area!” The voice of Marcy shocks me, and I turn to see Lady and her already awake and conscious, running out of the crater to deal with the rest of the demons. There is tugging on my shirt, and I look down to see our children grinning at me like nothing happened at all.

“Trish!” Someone called, and I cry out when I turn around.

It is him, my dear.

It is him, the one you have been crying so much for.

It is Daniel.

The tears once again filled my eyes, and suddenly the fear isn’t so real anymore.

The entire family is here. We have all been reborn in the ashes of losing of failing.

We are like the phoenix. We burn and rise from the ashes.

I take our children’s hands and run out of the crater, leaving you alone.

Please hold up for just a little while longer.

You are our hope, our light. Like how Daniel has shined a new radiance on us, you must keep strong. Just a little while longer, my love. Just hold on strong like you have always been.

You are a demon. You are strong.

Like I, your demon’s wife.