Who am I? What am I doing? What is the purpose of all this?

These days, I ask myself this quite often, but at the age of twelve, these rather deep questions didn't cross my mind, even if they are somehow the pinnacle of one's existence.

I knew who I used to be, namely the daughter of the greatest sorcerer that had lived on the continent in the last decades. His identity had weighed on me my whole life, except for the years at the priory. There, for the better or the worse, I was nobody of notice. Or so I thought...

What I was doing at that time was just living along. I didn't have a plan or a greater purpose. After all, I was only a child. Sometimes I missed the comfort of life at the palace, but slowly, with the passing of the moons, the longing faded and this new life began to feel like my own. I didn't plan on escaping like Mairi or Chioma. Where to? I had no place or people to go to and I was well aware that I wasn't fit to survive on my own.

"The soldiers are departing today."

Fera's voice was emotionless. Deep inside, she was probably relieved they were leaving.

I thought, that after the incident with Jorn, she would trust me more. She had been genuinely grateful, but not more trusting. When I asked her about the mountain clans and why she thought they attacked the priory, she just dismissed me without answering.

"I see. Is Salma still angry with you?"

"Probably."

"Don't you mind? She is our friend. Just apologize."

"She will forget about it," answered Fera.

Then I realized that Fera did have pride after all. Was it that or that she never invested energy in something that wouldn't turn profitable in the long run?

Three moons had passed since that adventurous night. We didn't know if Jorn survived or not after the caravan left but at least he didn't die on our watch.

Besides that, another important event was captivating the attention of everyone around. Matching, it was called Red Day.

The men present on Gray Day had entered their offers, and The White Grace had chosen the ones the girls would belong to. It was called Red Day because the bridal garment in The Realm is red, the color of blood and fire.

There were several problems linked to that day. Fera said that depending on the person, sometimes the men would come themselves to pick up the girls, and other times someone in their service would. After having met Jorn, I noticed something I didn't before. Those were men, not boys, but we were certainly only girls, and a bit of me couldn't help feeling it was wrong.

I was also afraid Sahib Aldam would come again. He didn't seem pleased so I hoped he didn't acquire any girl. Neither of the older girls was my friend and Yara was actually one I disliked, but I didn't wish even upon her a fate like the one a life with him I imagined would look like.

Those days it was much about Chioma. She had two moods: frightened and sad, maybe also angry but the anger was silent and muffled because she knew how powerless we all were.

Supposedly, for Red Day there was a ceremony when we all were helping the new brides and concubines to bathe and get dressed and then we accompanied them to the gates where the carriage of the family, with or without the male, was waiting for them.

"I am fuming," enounced Mairi and plunged down on the grass to my left.

"Aren't you daily?"

"Oh, common'. Since when are you so snarky, Weedy?"

"I am not."

"Yes, you are. Something changed. I think you finally settled in. Huh, Alsayida?"

"Don't call me that!"

"Yeah, it's probably a good idea. It's not good to stand out. But... How was it? Did you have someone to tie your shoelaces?"

"No. But the Emperor did, and so did father and Prince Dair. They had maidservants that would dress them. I didn't. We did have servants in the palace, but I personally had only Hara and she didn't dress me when I grew older."

"Well, that's strange. Getting dressed by other people as if you lack an arm," scoffed Mairi. "But you saw the Emperor face to face? And the crown prince? How are they?"

"I didn't see them often, only once or twice and they didn't really pay me any attention."

"Didn't answer my question..."

"Well... The Emperor is a bit intimidating but doesn't seem to be a bad person. And the prince..." I wasn't sure what to say. I had seen him exactly twice and he didn't talk to me at all, nor to anybody else.

"Is he handsome?"

That was a good question. There was a brief moment when I perceived Jorn as handsome. If I had to compare them, they were just different. Jorn was strong and bold, while Prince Dair seemed a bit feeble and melancholic. His hair was dark like mine and his eyes the color of cedarwood, not as striking as Jorn's but they had a dreamy inflection in them that gave him the blazé air of nobility.

"Hmm, I am not sure."

"Is he tall and strong?"

"Not really, and he seemed sad most of the time but his lashes are long and dark and that makes his eyes look pretty, and when he smiles his cheeks make dimples. But judging by your standards, he would be utterly useless in a fight."

I laughed then, letting my head fall on the grass.

"But how about his magic? I bet the Emperor's son can obliterate you by only looking at you and continue smiling with dimples."

"I have never heard of what power he possesses."

"I would be curious."

"Why are you angry now? You got distracted and didn't tell me."

"I caught Chioma with Nadaria again."

"Oh gods, Mairi. I hope you didn't start a fistfight. Please tell me you didn't."

"No. I came here. I was my bigger self. I only screamed a bit."

"How much is a bit? I hope the sisters didn't hear you. Please tell me they didn't."

"No. I might be a bit... hotheaded, but I am not dumb. But... How could she? After everything."

"I am not sure. I suppose she just likes Nadaria and that kissing thing they do. We all need something that makes life worth living, don't you think? Something to believe in. It doesn't matter what, even if it's only the illusion of something."

"This is deep; I didn't think of that," said Mairi looking at me somehow understanding. "And what is your something?"

"You. And Fera, Chioma and Salma. Maybe you don't care so much about me but I like you and you make me feel happy and not alone."

Mairi extended a hand and petted my head.

"It's so strange how you are. So trusting and not bitter. I don't want to care about it but it fascinates me."

"Nadaria will have to go away now, as you know, and Chioma will miss her and be afraid for herself too. You should be a bit kinder to her. Not everyone has the strength you have and people live their emotions out in different ways."

"You lived like a recluse and still you seem to know a bit about how people are. How come?"

"I was a lot of time left alone with my thoughts. In three red moons' time is my birthday. I will turn thirteen."

"Do manab celebrate that?"

"Yes. There would be cake at the palace backed by Hara and Imelda would gift me a new garment piece or jewel. I always liked birthdays. When is yours?"

"The day of moon alignment. I only remember because it's something so obvious. We were too poor to care about that."

That made me feel spoiled and sad.

The morning of Red Day was windy and somber like everyone's mood. The girls of eleven and above gathered in the bathing quarter and we had to sing praise to Ma, the Goddess of water, and bringer of fertility so that the girls that would be sent away would deliver worthy children to their new families. Worthy...

I never saw Chioma interact with Nadaria before that morning, but when Chioma's fingers grazed the skin on Nadaria's back, right under the shoulder blades, where her silver eus feathers began, I had my first encounter with an embodiment of sensuality. Without totally understanding it, it ignited something in me. Nadaria was beautiful. Not the graceful and for some, maybe a bit bland type of beauty of the ghazal, but a savage one, where her limbs were long and graceful but her chest and lips were also full. Her eyes, big gray and teary were moving through the room without seeing anything.

I stayed close to her and Chioma, mostly to prevent the problem Mairi could become. I saw Salma around Amal. Amal was ghazal and highborn. Likely she made the most coins for The White Grace.

Since that incident with Jorn, she didn't talk to me much. It was different from her behavior towards Fera. She didn't seem angry with me, just different. Different was never good, I learned later on.

The new family was providing the garments for the girls. Atalaria'a dress was simple red cotton, while Nadaria's even if not embroidered with gold like that of the noble girls, was fine velvet. It looked like someone of higher status bought her, someone who could afford to dress his concubines in velvet. And someone that was not southern, I acknowledged abruptly. The south was too hot for velvet clothing, so she would be going outside of Quomared.

Mala, Amal, and Yara stepped out of the bath chambers first, then followed by the two low-born girls. Amala's clothes were heavy, gold-trimmed lace over silk. The other two were eying her somehow envious.

We continued chanting and walking them toward the main corridor where the sisters were waiting and joined our song. The voice of The White Grace was sharp and crystal clear, dominating all the other ones.

Silence fell over us and she announced that Yara, Nadaria, and Amal would part from the Red Gate, while Atalaria and Mala from The White Gate. We were also divided. Out of the same reasons as before I went wherever Nadaria went. Fera should have joined the other party but somehow she swindled her way into this one.

The first carriage entered the Red Gate. It was as opulent as Amal's dress. She smiled a bit when she saw it but then when the door opened and she walked closer, the smile faded when her eyes met with the ones of her future husband. Amal was graceful and slim and he was anything but. Stout, bald, and extremely fat, they didn't seem at all an equal match in the looks department. Amal looked back almost tearing up. Then it looked like some kind of shock pierced her body and her expression changed abruptly.

The While Grace walked to the man and handed him a white box. He opened it and took a while stone out of it. It seemed tiny in his huge, fleshy palm. The White Grace started whispering and her eyes became milky while. At the same time, the stone sunk and disappeared into the palm of the man. Right after, Amal disappeared into the carriage without looking back.

When Yara's turn came, she grabbed Chioma's hand while walking by her. Chioma just looked at her hatefully and tore her palm away. But when the door of the second carriage opened, mine, Chioma and Yara's faces became pale. Sahib Aldam was waiting for her. Unlike his costume, he had indeed acquired a wife this time, not a concubine. Until the stone was sunken into his palm Yara could barely contain her body from shaking and Chioma wiped a tear from her cheek. In the end she pitied Yara more than she hated her.

The second tear rolled when the door opened for a third time. This time there wasn't a carriage waiting but only a solitary man on a quor. He dismounted and walked inside. Astonishingly he was rather young and somehow handsome. He kneeled in front of The White Grace and she gave him the white box with the stone. This time she enchanted it differently and it didn't sink into his palm but stayed in the box.

Then Nadaria climbed with him on the quor and they rode away. she looked back several times and every time a tear fell over Chioma's cheeks.

Unexpectedly Mairi didn't do anything; she just looked, blinked, and sighed. And in the end, when we all were dismissed she wrapped her arms around Chioma, who at first tried to shove her away but gave in in the end.

It was dark already and I walked away to not disturb their moment. I walked throw the garden for a long time. Strangely that evening the sisters were so preoccupied with Red Day that they didn't notice I was missing when turning the lights off. It was well past midnight.

When I returned I noticed that the supply caravan was there. I had forgotten it was that day too. Everything was deadly silent so a strange sound caught my attention. It came from inside the caravan. I was afraid but, it didn't make sense to be a new invasion. It was too early, the wrong place...

Slowly I removed a bit of the cloth covering the carriage.

At first, I wasn't sure what I was witnessing but then my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I could see Salma's snow-white body, spread naked over the floor of the carriage, and a man who took me a bit to recognize as Yamal, the imperial solder who was bringing the supply caravan to us, hovering over her.

She didn't seem forced or distressed but smiling and letting him touch her, whimpering slowly.

They started kissing and I knew well enough that kissing was not allowed so neither could anything else be.

As silently as possible I let the cloth back down and walked inside.

"Mairi..." I whispered. "Mairi..." I almost cried.