*January 15th, 1991*

"Ladies and gentlemen, as we start our decent, please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. Thank you." The female flight attendant speaks from the front of the plane with her high pitch voice.

I prepare myself for landing, now it is like second nature. I've been on a few flights over the past year. I am landing in Italy this time. It was only a month ago with the incident in the Netherlands. They declared the killing of Sara and Jayden an accident. I had to wait until they finished with the investigation before I could leave again. I couldn't look their parents in the eye since Mrs. Jansen slapped me. That and I feel guilty. My mind, at night, started to give me detailed pictures of the killing. Showing exactly how I did it, but I have no recollection of doing it. I hate not knowing. Its slowly killing me inside.

I sling my backpack over my shoulder and get in line like everyone else to exit the plane. I can feel the heat from the air here as I walk through the tunnel to the other end of the terminal. The AC hits me as soon as I get through the tunnel, making me glad I wore my oversized knitted sweater, keeping me nice and warm. I have a tank top on underneath, so I can take the sweater off. I walk slowly through the airport. A flash stops me in my tracks. I look wide-eyed in the direction of the flash.

"Gorgeous." I hear from a small man standing not too far away from me, holding a polaroid in his hand and a camera in the other. I stare at him for a moment. When he realizes I'm looking at him, he looks at me with a smile, then walks over to me.

"You keep." He has a thick accent, from where, I'm not sure, but he hands me the photo.

"Thank you." I whisper, looking at the photo in my hand. He nods in response and walks away.

I stand there for a moment, but it seems like forever. I stare down at the photo. I look so different. I don't think I realized how different I am until now. I lightly brush my fingers over it, then bring it them up to my face, brushing my cheek with my fingertips. I haven't seen a picture of myself since I left home. Those pictures were me faking happiness. They never really looked real. This one, this one is real. My eyes filled with curiosity and wonder. The smile on my face...it's true. I've grown so much since I left. If only it made me a better person.

I shake my head a bit and put the photo in my pocket. I look for the exit and head to it. Time to find something new and fun to explore. The heat of Italy hits me like a bullet.

"I need to take this sweater off." I mumble to myself.

I set my backpack on a nearby bench and struggle to get the large sweater off my already sweating body. I feel someone bump into me as I just get the sweater over my head. Once I get it off, I look to see who did it, but I don't see anyone near me. It is strangely empty out here. I try not to think nothing of it. I call a cab, and have it take me to the second-best hotel in Palermo, Italy. I feel as if this trip is going to be just a nice vacation. I'll stay away from as many people as possible, have as much fun as possible and just relax. I think I need it.

I get a deluxe suite at a nearby hotel. The view is absolutely gorgeous. A perfect view of the city below and the ocean. How did I live my life without this view?

"Very easily."

"What now you're the voice of reason too?" I complain to the voice, but it doesn't answer back.

I am quite alright with that. I tear myself from the window and fall back on the bed. It's so soft, as I sink into the mattress. Every hotel bed I've been in has been really nice and comfortable, but I'm not going to lie, I do miss my own bed. I mean it had a divot from the same position I slept in. Nothing can compare to that bed. Going back to that bed isn't worth it though, I don't want to be anywhere near my parents ever again.

3 weeks later

My time in Italy has been amazing so far. I have been trying to go to all the good sights, but alas it's going to take me forever to do that. I've lost some weight too while I've been here. I do so much walking, that the food I eat doesn't stay very long and my calves are hard as a rock. Anyway, today I decide to move my vacation up to Rome. I'll be taking a bus up north for a ten to twelve-hour ride. I'm not too excited about it. I could fly, but I want to see more sights along the way. The bus makes different stops along the way, I won't be getting off, but at least I'll get some time to take a mental picture. I got my bag pack and I had to buy another small bag, for some clothes I decided to buy. I grab both and begin my descend down the elevator to the lobby.

I get to the bus stop fifteen minutes before the bus is set to leave. I take a seat on an outside bench waiting to hear for my bus loading. It doesn't take long and I'm on the bus and we are pulling out of the station. The bus is packed with people. I am lucky enough to get a window seat, though it comes with a cost. The man next to me, is practically sitting on top of me and the women standing next to him, has her ass in his face. Though, I think he is somewhat enjoying it. Every now and then he gets a weird look on his face. I keep my mind set on the scenery as we drive. I want to get to Rome as fast as possible now.

I wait patiently after a twelve-hour bus ride, to get off the bus. People are in such a hurry to get off, that they are pushing people out of the way. What happened to manners and ladies go first? If my mother ever saw me act like these people, I would be back handed so fast. Anyway, I can walk to my hotel from the bus stop. I hope I have another great room with a great view. Italy is absolutely stunning.

As I walk, people brush by me like I'm not even there. Like they can't see me. It makes me feel like I'm back home again. How I could sit in a room full of family members and no one would notice I'm there. They would talk about my future as if I couldn't think for my own. I felt so alone in a room full of people. I hate this feeling. This feeling of dread and discomfort to be around people. The pure horror that I'm going to disappoint someone. That sad part is, it could be anyone and I'd be ashamed. I'll never be what anyone wants me to be. I want to accept that, but, because I am so used to my parents' strict rules, it's hard to change that. I will always be a disappointment to them. But you know what, I may not be able to change what my parents think of me, but I can change for me. I'm going to go out tonight and I'm going to have fun.

"Oh yes we will."

I ignore its comment and run the rest of the way to the hotel. I know I said I wanted to avoid people, but that is what I always do. I need to try something different.

I jump in the shower, letting the water wash away my problems. At least for a moment. The heat of the water loosens my muscles and lets me relax. It won't last long, but I enjoy it while it last. I decide to wear a cute dress I picked up in Palermo. It's a black dress, with a low v line cut, showing a bit of cleavage, elbow length sleeves and the straight length hem comes to a stop right above my knees. There is also a cute bow wrapped around my waist. It's a mix of fun and flirty. Not to dress up, but not to causal. I feel like it's a perfect fit for starting out new...again.

"Aw you're so adorable." I hear it say sarcastically in my mind.

"Ugh, what do you want?" I sneer out loud, knowing that no one will hear me.

"What I can't complement you?"

How can a voice act offended? I can just picture someone with their hand on their heart, playing hurt.

"You know I'm here for you." It continues.

"When were you ever there for me? When you killed those people. Those children." My voice low and angry.

"I did that all for you. They were going to send you back." It says sympathetically.

"Oh, don't act like you care." I snap. Now I'm just getting frustrated.

"Oh, but I do. I'd do anything for you"

Now I stand in front of the mirror trying to decide how I should do my hair. It reaches about shoulder length now, blonde roots showing now. There isn't much I can do with it. So, I go with a simple half up do. Letting a few of strands fall on the side of my face. A little makeup and I'm ready to go. I slip into a set of black flats and head out the door with my purse in hand. I feel bubbles growing in my stomach as I walk down the street. I looked for some good places to go before I showered. There were quite a few places near my hotel. What the voice said earlier still sits in the back of my mind. I keep trying to push it back and further back, but it doesn't look like its working well. My mind soon focuses on something else. It's the loud music coming from a building close to me. You can't miss the lights and people waiting in line. Must be a huge night club and I'm going to go in.

The wait in line wasn't as long as I thought. I didn't even have to pay to get it. I don't know what the bouncer said, but I think it's lady's night. The loudness of the music hits me as I walk in through the door. I immediately have to maneuver around people dancing or chatting. All I smell is cigarettes, alcohol and bodily fluids, aka sweat. I make my way to the bar, standing in between two men. One in a conversation to my left, the other sipping on his drink, he must be alone here too. I'm sure they don't even notice me. That is until the one on my right turns and looks at me. I can see out of my peripheral vision as I order a drink. I thank the bartender and take a sip of my drink, but almost spit it out when the man speaks.

"So, you going to run away from me again?" I can hear the smirk on his face.

My eyes grow wide before I turn my head. I try and adjust myself before I look at him. I'm captured once again by his emerald eyes. They sparkle as the lights from above hit them. His bangs hiding some of their blinding glow.

"How...What the...How..." I stumble over my words, not able to find the right ones.

"Surprised to see me?" His husky voice sends shivers down my back as he speaks.

"Um...That's an understatement...w-what are you doing here?" I spit the words out, like I was spitting out a drink.

"I'm here visiting some friends. What are you doing here? I didn't think you were the type to go to a club." For some reason I feel offended by his statement. He knows nothing about me to know what type I am.

"Why the fuck do we keep running into each other?" This time I have a straight face and I'm focused.

"I don't know. Are you following me? I mean I know the ladies love me, but to follow me from country to country. That's a little silly." He mused, then takes a sip of his drink, eyes still staring into mine.

"Believe me, I'm not following you. I don't even know who you are. Let alone enough to stalk you." I pull my eyes away from his and stare down at my drink, swirling it around the glass.

"I'm not sure if I should be offended or not." He snickers. He then pulls out a pager and stares at it for a few seconds.

"Well I sure hope I get to see you again. It's been lovely, but I have to go." He says standing and sliding his pager back into the pocket of his faded blue jeans. He puts his mouth near my ear, I can feel his breath, tickling the hairs on my neck.

"Don't go anywhere alone with him." Before I can think about what he just said, he's gone.

"Ma'am are you okay?" I turn and see the bartender. I point to myself in question.

"Me?" She gives me a nod.

"Yeah I'm fine why?" I can't help but ask.

"You've been talking to air for the past five minutes. How much have you had to drink?" She looks at me wearily.

"I was talking to a man just now, he had to leave." I can't help but sound confused. How did she not see the emerald eyed man that was sitting next to me? You can't miss those eyes.

"Ma'am no one was there. Did your drink get spiked?" Now she is just being ridiculous.

"I am fine, you probably just missed him." I say and walk away, drink in hand. I lift the glass up and look at it. Honestly, her question had me curious, but I saw the bartender pour it and no one else had hands on my drink and I feel just fine.

I let myself get carried away with the music. Dancing around with others. It's intoxicating, mixing with the alcohol. I'm swept away by a tall Italian man. His features are a little bit fuzzy, but his voice captivates me. As the song changes, the closer we get and soon I found his hands around my waist, my hands clasp behind his neck, trying to hold myself up. I don't know how many drinks I have had at this point, but I'm feeling great. I don't think I've ever had this much fun.

"Enjoy it while it last."

I can't be bothered with that voice tonight. Always ruining things, killing people, making me move. It's such a Debbie downer.

I keep swaying even though the music has stopped. I can't help the wide smile that I have on my face. I see the man I'm holding on too, smile down at me. I want to kiss those lips of his. They are so plump and welcoming. I can't help but let my finger lightly trace the outline of his lips. I realize what I'm doing and immediately pull away.

"I'm so sorry." I apologize. He looks confused for a moment then his shiny whites are showing again.

"Don't be. If it helps, I want to kiss you too." I can't help the giggle that leaves my lips.

He grabs my hand, "Let's go somewhere else." He says with his alluring voice, as he pulls me away.

"Don't do it."

It rings loud and clear, drowning out the music in the background. I grab my head for a second from the pain it causes but am soon distracted by the hot Italian pulling me away.

Next thing I know, I'm being slammed up against a wall. My body feeling feverish as the man attacks my lips with his. I can't help but let out a wanting moan. His hands run down the side of my body, stopping at my hips, pulling me closer. Our heated kisses turn into heavy making out. I've never felt this feeling. My lower region began throb with need, my eyes burning with desire. I don't know what it is, but one second, I'm letting myself go, then I snap out of my lust and push the man away.

"Hey what gives?" He yells at me. It's almost if I can't control my limbs, I throw a punch at the man. He howls in pain as I break his nose.

"Oh, so that's how you want it. You like it rough don't you, American girl." An evil grin comes to the man's face.

My heart begins to race. I'm not sure if its adrenaline or fear. Before I could figure it out, he had me flat up against the wall again. His hands hold tight onto my wrists, digging them into the brick wall behind me. He begins to bite into my neck, like trying to claim his territory. I struggle against his weight as he pushes against me. I don't think he can get any closer. My mind is racing now, I have an idea of what he might try and do. It's as if the alcohol has fled from my body, I now realize how much I don't want this. I try to let out a scream, but his mouth finds mine before it leaves my throat.

"Stop struggling. We both know you want this." He taunts with his mouth still pressed against mine.

It takes all my will power not to throw up in his mouth. He takes a hand away, leaving only one of his large hand to hold my wrists together. He takes the other hand and slide it down my body. Squeezing my breast for a moment and continued down to my hip.

I freeze, staring straight into his eyes as he slightly pulls away. His eyes stare down at me in drunkenness, shifting back and forth, unable to focus on me. He licks his lips as if trying to seduce me. If I hadn't let the alcohol get to me, I wouldn't be in this position. I just wanted to have some fun. I feel his hand trail down my thigh, to the edge of my dress.

"NO!" I scream as I found the courage to speak.

My knee rises at a fast pace and knees him where the sun doesn't shine. He immediately let's go and falls to the ground. I stumble back as my head becomes dizzy. Without warning, my body begins to move on its own. I can't stop myself as I climb up on top of the whimpering man. I must have hit him hard. My hands grab his head and make him face me. My knee on top of his groin area, keeping him from moving.

"How dare you think you can take advantage of me!" A voice comes out of my mouth that isn't mine. It's deep and low and stings as it comes out.

I feel as though I'm watching a tv show, through the characters eyes. I'm not making any choices on my own, someone else is using me like a puppet.

"Your even cuter when you're scared?" I can't believe those words just spilled out of me.

My hand caresses the man's face, his eyes now wide with fear. A laughter I don't recognize fills the air around us. His eyes shift between mine and where my hand rests on his cheek.

"When a woman says no, she means no."

Before I understand what, I'm doing, my hands are around his throat. Squeezing as hard as I can. I don't know where I got the strength from, but I'm quickly squeezing the life out.

His eyes begin to roll to the back of his head. His nose begins to bleed. His hands that were trying to pull me off, stopped seconds ago. The choking sounds his throat makes begin to fade. I continue to squeeze until his whole body falls limp underneath me. Even then I don't let go just yet. I feel a smile on my face that I'm not making. My cheeks are beginning to hurt from the sadistic smile. When I finally let go, I look at my hands, able to move on my own again. I watch as blood slowly fills back into the veins of my hand. I look down at my victim. It only caused my heart rate to speed back up. I'm not sure what to do at this point.

"Go back to the hotel."

I feel the need to listen this time. I'm slow to get up. I wait, looking at the dead man, feet on either side of him.

"He's gone. He's not going to get back up."

I jump from its tone. Harsh and cold. I come to my senses by turning and running.

I realize the man had taken me to the alley behind the club. It gets darker the further I run from the scene of the crime. As I got closer to the edge of the alley, I see street light. I see cars driving past. I don't turn back, as much as I want to, I keep running. I slow to a walk when I hit the sidewalk and head in the direction of the hotel. I hope no one thinks I look suspicious. I'm sure my hair is a mess and my dress has stains from kneeling on the ground. I'm just glad to be out of the dark and that creepy alleyway. Away from the man I murdered with my own two hands. But I didn't kill him. It wasn't me who forced my hands. I felt like a robot being controlled by a remote. It was as if I wasn't even there.

I don't know how long I sat on the hotel bed, looking at my hands. My mind keeps rewinding and playing the scene from earlier. The look in the man's eye when I began to choke him. The way his eyes rolled back into his head. How I held on after his body went limp. I'm a small person. How am I strong enough to kill a large adult male. He was strong too. He could have easily taken me down. So how come he didn't. It's as if he let me kill him. This is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

I don't get any sleep thatnight. Images keep popping into my mind. The music playing loud, reverberatingaround my head. I toss and turn, the blanket wrapping around my body, tanglingup in my legs. His deep brown eyes are still staring at me as he takes his lastbreath. The life slowly leaving them. I could see his pupils dilate and hislust filled brown eyes slowly turn gray. It all happened so fast and now it iscatching up to me. All the tiny details. I've never watched any of my victimsdie, just saw the horrid aftermath. I'm not sure which one is worse.